My Mother Not Wanting to Deal with Her Own Grandaughter

Hi K., before I had a child I was always letting my niece or nephew spend the night. It is very exhausting taking care of a toddler/baby if you're not used to having one around. I suspect she realizes or is now remembering how much work it is and so is hesitant to take on that responsibility.

I am a mother of ten, and grandmother of nine, and eight of those grandchildren have been at my house since Saturday, spending the week with me. My house is loud, messy, and we have gone through a TON of groceries!
That said, there has been a time or two when my daughters have gotten a bit upset with me for not dropping everything and watching their children.
I know that's not what you are saying, but your daughter is not very old, and your mothers concerns are fairly valid. I don't like to watch the babies of my children who will cry, get mad because they 'don't have an apple' or don't sleep all night. I've done my time, in fact, we have an adopted not quite two year old, so I'm still doing my time in that area. I'm older, and at night, I want my sleep.

I suggest you remember that you're the mom, and grandma is not, and she does not have to babysit or keep your child overnight. I'm going to guess that if you give your baby a year or so, once she sleeps all night and runs beaming when she sees her grandma, that grandma is going to LOVE keeping her overnight and all the time. Give the baby a chance to grow up a bit. As we grandmas get older, we get creaky and sore and it's harder to keep a little one.
Let grandma learn to enjoy her in your presence, be nice about it all and understand she has the right to say no, and I expect this will all change very, very soon.

I don't have a lot of advice, but maybe an idea. Could you go stay at your mom's house too the first time your daughter does to see how she does in the new environment? Maybe your mom would feel more comfortable after she sees how your daughter handles it. Worth a try but I realize that may not fix the problem.

You could also try talking to your mom about how you are trying to raise a child who is resilient and flexible and try to enlist her help to show your daughter that not everyone does everything the exact same way, but that these differences are okay and that you all love her. Maybe she will respond to that?

I wish I had some better ideas!

In reading your history, it sounds like your daughter is going through a difficult time. In the past 2 months, you've listed several requests dealing with her screaming, hitting, biting, starting daycare, having an ear infection, and a possible allergic reaction to the antibiotic they gave her.

Based on your mom's history of setting up a whole room, offering to watch your daughter, and picking her up from daycare, it sounds like she wants to be involved (more than some other grandmothers out there). She may realize that your daughter is already having some difficulties, and needs to have you and your husband close. Kids all go through stages... sometimes, when things are going well, you can help them spread their wings with overnight stays, and days when you've forgotten the apple. But if she's already having all of the rest of these problems in the last 60 days, your mom probably realizes that this is not that time.

I love the first reply you got, and would try those ideas. Then I would just be patient, and wait for a better time in your daughter's disposition.

Good luck!

Please do not keep your mother from your daughter! This is punishment for both of them, especially your little girl. The grandparent/grandchild connection and relationship is a very special one and normally gets stronger and stronger as time goes by IF they interact enough for this to happen. It sounds like you and your husband have some expectations about when and how much your mother "should" be seeing your daughter based on some earlier conversations. Either there was/is a communication gap or for some reason your mother is reluctant to do more than she already is--right now. A sensitive non-confrontational conversation with your mom is in order to let her know how you feel and for you to find out about the situation from her perspective. Is there some reason you need your mom to keep your daughter overnight or pick her up from daycare other than you and your husband just wanting her to? Were there agreements that she would do these things? Maybe she doesn't feel that she can adequately care for your daughter on her own for some reason. One thing to strongly consider is that she may simply not have the energy to keep up with such a little one. I am a grandmother and dearly love each and every one of my grandchildren; however, health issues and lack of energy have played a huge part in how much/when time I can devote to them. As they get older it gets easier for all concerned but again, close and strong relationships are built over time so PLEASE do not keep your mother and daughter apart!

I don't know the best way to say this. Maybe you expect too much out of your mom. It's your job to pick your child up from daycare, keep her on the weekends, etc. I know it would be nice for your mom to offer to do some of these things, but it isn't necessarily her responsibility. Grandparents should be just that. They should be able to get the kids hyped up on sugar and send them home with their parents for the night... not have to give them a bath and get them ready for school in the morning. Know what I'm saying? They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Give her some time and some space, and I bet before long she's begging for your little girl to spend the day with her.

Perhaps your mother has had an incident of falling or forgetfulness that scares her and causes her to worry about her ability to care for her grandaughter safely. Fear and embarrassment may have kept her from confiding in you. I wouldn't push it. Continue to spend time with her and your daughter jointly--even a sleepover--and maybe you will find out her reasoning. She may even be afraid that she hasn't taken care of a baby in so long she has forgotten how.

Remember K., your life is now all about your daughter, but your mother is a person also.

BTW---Why is your daughter in Daycare if you don't have a job?
Also it sounds to me like you gave up ten years for new LR furniture. I'm not the first to try to tell you this, but I will be more blunt. You and your husband need to grow up.

God bless you.
D.

I think you really are expecting too much from your mother. I had to learn this with my first. I had really high expectations from both of my parents that they could never fill. Because in the end I am the mother and of course my children will be my first priority. Your mother has her own life; so she may not feel like staying up all night to care for her grandchild. She is older than you and you get so tired. I always felt like I was burdening my mom if I asked her to take my baby for the weekend and always looked at is a favor not an expectation. If it makes you feel better, you could confront her about it because maybe she scared that she may do something wrong. Who knows!

It seems like you're having trust issues with your mom.

Hi K.,

Sorry that you and your little one seems to be going through a bit of some frustration right now. About your mom, I can understand the pressure that hubby might be putting on you especially since you guys were going to buy a house closer to HIS parents but he opted to consider YOUR mom's request instead.

I think she wants to be the kind of gramma you have in mind but perhaps she didn't realize how much goes into caring for a little one these days and she is maybe intimidated by doing something wrong or messing up with the baby? The other mom's gave some great advice. Especially about asking her what might be bothering her. Of course, please don't confront her, just simply state your observation and start a polite conversation with her to find out what might be going on subconciously with her. I think that she's just afraid of messing up or doing something wrong with the baby and is more comfortable with you around to help if something goes wrong. Remember, she is a first time gramma and doesn't have any other experiences to gauge this by.

Simply talk with her (if you have that relationship with her). Also, i agree with another mom who said you guys should do what is best for your little family without expectation about anything from anyone else (including parents/grandparents). I've always done everything to try and please my folks and in the end I ended up holding the bag. So do what is best for you, baby and hubby! If anyone else wants to help or be a part of YOUR child's life, THEY can make the effort. I've learned that making things convenient for other people only spoils them and makes them have HIGHER expectations of YOU.

In any case, what ever you choose to do, try and do it in a simple manner as to not do or say something you might regret later on. Good luck to you!

She's your mother not your babysitter. Some people find this difficult to swallow.

I couldn't imagine leaving my 16mo old overnight at anyone's house even at Grandma's. Watching a baby is quite a bit of responsibility if you're not used to it. The idea is for her to enjoy her grand daughter, for her to enjoy your company and you hers, not for her to babysit or run your errands.

I think you should rethink things and have a nice loving talk with her. Please ask her if she is overwhelmed or if she really doesn't want to do those things. She might not but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you all.

Hang in there. You are so lucky to have your mom and then to have her close...:)

Im sorry things arent working out the way you imagined.I would just focus on you and your little family and not worry about it.Maybe it was more stressful on her than she thought it would be.Toddlers can create a lot of stress especially since she hasnt had one in a long time.Maybe she just wants to enjoy her without the stress of having to deal with the diper changes or crying.She is grandma afterall and not mama maybe she just wants all the good and no bad.She is under no obligation to keep your daughter overnight or without you there.maybe it makes her nervous.I think that you should just sit down and talk to her and ask her what is going on and explain that it is upsetting you.I know mothers can be frustrating trust me when we had our son my mom was going to move here but I acually ask her not to because I thought she would try to control everything we did and that we would never get along.She still puts me on a guilt trip about it everytime we visit.hang in there!!

Boy this is a tough one, and I guarantee you are going to get two sides of the story. Your mom is not your daughter's mother and the other is Poor you you should be angry.
Well, I understand that your mom did say move by me I'll help. Remember that your mom did the mom thing and she hasn't done it in how old are you? She is just probably not sure how it will work out. Will she be strong enough to handle a 16 month old. The diaper changes the midnight crying...
Talk with her explain your concerns don't throw it in her face that she wanted you close to her. Just let that go. Ask her what her concerns are, her fears, maybe something else is happening. Be understanding and not walking into that conversation with a predisposition of how it should go. Whatever the case may be, treat her with dignity.
And yes, I agree that you shouldn't run to her when she is ready. When you want to visit and have the time call if she is not there then the next time maybe she will be.

Maybe your mother is a little intimidated about being one on one with an active toddler. She may not even realize how she feels consciously. I don't think she is avoiding your daughter, but it is a new thing for her and she may need to build confidence. Talk openly to her, not asking why, just saying what you've observed and see what she says. Maybe you can have her watch your daughter at your house while you run a quick errand, and gradually build her confidence for longer stretches. You might even try a sleepover with you there too, if your hubby doesn't mind. Remember, it is your daughter, and her help is voluntary so don't set expectations for a certain amount or kind of help, just accept what your mother is ready to give and be glad you've got it. My mother is 1000 miles away, so it could be worse. Good luck!

You have gotten some really good advice. Maybe it's just been a long time since your mom has taken care of a little baby. She's rusty & is probably nervous! How about you try just breaking her in a little at a time. Like for an hour? You & your husband could go out for dinner & ask grandma to watch her. I'm sure if you do this in small increments, eventually her confidence will become better, yours too! Also, maybe she just meant that she wants to take care of her when she is a little older. Your daughter will be more independent when she is 3, maybe she can 'hang out' with grandma then & they will be more comfortable with each other. Between now & then just keep grandma involved so that they can work on their bond. You could also keep an apple in the diaper bag so if grandma picks her up from daycare she won't have to worry about not having one. Good luck!

It kinda sounds like to me, that your mom is a little bit afraid of being alone with your daughter. Maybe she feels out of practice and not sure how to "deal" with her. If you want your mom to watch her overnight then maybe you could stay overnight with them a few times to get your mom used to her routine and help her to know what kinds of things you do to take care of her.
I have a lot of friends whose parents are very involved with their grandkids but my parents aren't so involved. It may just be your mom's personality. My mom is like that. She wants to be around my son but having her babysit him is just too much for her. She wants him to know her but doesn't want to be responsible for his care by herself. My mom attends her grand kids recitals, buys lots of gifts, is very present in all of their lives but just isn't the type of grand parent to take the grand kids for the weekend or be so "hands on". I accept that about her and just don't expect that kind of thing from her. Maybe your mom is similar to that. You just need to know what her limits are and accept them. Some moms are super into taking care of their grand kids and some are not. Don't try to force her to be something she isn't. That will just cause resentment and then your child won't end up knowing her grandma and won't be able to love her for who she is. You need to love her for who she is first, then your daughter will grow up to love her, too. I hope this all makes sense. I just know that if you spend all your time wishing your mom was something she isn't, that is a lot of wasted time. Hope that helps.

Hi K.~
I read your post twice And I can understand your feelings, but also your Mom's. My granddaughter is two and I know that when she was younger it was not so easy for her to stay all night with me. (but she did) (they live 2 miles from me) I remember my daughter wondering why I didn't want to keep her overnight more. When we get older (I am 54) we need our sleep. One of my questions is: how much time is your baby spending with your mom on a weekly basis? Do the 3 of you spend time together? Maybe your mom doesn't think your daughter will be comfortable alone with her.
There is a solution to this. COMMUNICATION. Your mom will probly feel so much better (and you will too) if you both talk about it.
My parents lived over 3000 miles away when I had my kids and I hated it! We had no family & therefore absolutely NO ONE to watch our kids overnight until they were about 5 yrs old. So be glad you are close to family and that your baby can enjoy her grandma.
Best of luck to you all.

It seems your mom has disappointed you. It's not your fault because she told you she would help and your expectations were high. The same thing happened when my son was born with my mother-in-law. She told me should would come to help me, blah, blah, blah. I was exhausted from a hard labor and my first child. Then when she arrived (she lived far away) she was obviously afraid of the baby. Not only was she no help, but she caused me more work. I felt similar to the way you and your husband are feeling now. BUT, that was a long time ago and I had years to work through it, so let me share what I learned.

My mother-in-law loved my children. She got great pleasure in them, and she wanted to be a help, but that was not the reality for what she could actually do. In those years I was near insulted as you sound to be now, but I must advise you to back off. Take what you can get and don't judge your Mom or have high expectations. No doubt she loves you and your daughter. Allow her to be the Grandmother she can be, and love her for it. Time passes quickly and my mother-in-law is gone. It took me many years to understand her, but I came to, and to love her deeply. I miss her and I miss that my children don't know her as adults.

All that said, if moving is best for your family you will have to do it......but do not do it to get back at your mom. Your in-laws may bring a whole new set of problems. You and your husband need to do what is best for your little family while considering and loving ALL the extended family. Try not to depend on others to solve your problems.

One more thing.....I'll have to disagree with the Mom's that think 16 months is too young to leave with a grandmother, aunt, or trusted babysitter. It's isn't your mom's comfort zone is all.
Hope this helps K..