My Mother Is Giving Me a Hard Time!

I agree with Sue. I will think about it and then change the subject.
You are not being lazy, you are not doing anything wrong.
You are making the best choice for you..

I don't think it would be a bad thing if you WERE planning formula! I think what counts is the love you show the child. I breastfed, but I wouldn't condemn anyone who formula fed, or had a VBAC, or whatever. Live and let live.

Funny thing about the ladies who are giving you a hard time about no VBAC and breastfeeding...is that they have never experienced the other.

I on the other hand had one child vaginally, and was unable to breastfeed, just didn't work for us.

Second child I had by c-section and was able to breastfeed until he was 13 months old. So for those who bash c-sections...it is the most horrible recovery to have to go through...it's not the lazy or easy option.

So I can literally say I know what both circumstances feel like. Not many people can. UGH, drives me nuts.

It's your choice and just tell your mom and everyone else to shutup! Yes I said shutup!

I would say "Lucky for me that these aren't your decisions to make, mom! And honestly, I am insulted that you think I'm lazy because I'm making a different choice than you."

Good luck! Sounds like your mom needs a good dose of STFU!

i can tell you that i would feel the exact same way - i had a c-section with my first and have no interest in doing a vbac. and breastfeeding was a terrible experience for me, so i agree with you there too. i'm sorry your mom is giving you a hard time. many people don't really get that many things they say just don't need to be said. don't listen to her, stay strong and be the great mom you are, YOUR way.

My mom and I get along pretty well on most things, but she has got on me for a few things she doesn't agree with (like me letting my sons get mohawks). She kept harping on me about that and I finally turned and said, "Mom, these are my boys, my choice. You don't have to agree." She got it.
Just tell your mom..." I am going to do what *I* want. You are allowed to have your opinions and I am allowed to think you are wrong." (okay, don't say the think you are wrong part...unless you want to)
L.

This is your life and your choices. I totally disagree with your mother trying to push her ideas on you (even if I do agree with her ideas when it comes to my choices...well, mostly). I think each woman should do what is right for themselves. Not what is right for someone else.

With the VBAC/c-section. I had three natural births - two out of hospital. They were amazing experiences, but they were also horrible. Strange mix, I suppose. But they weren't anything like what I'd heard other natural birthers talk about. I took forever to heal from them and the pain of the healing was quite intense. Then I had to have a c-section with my 4th for a complete placenta previa. I was really worried about having a c-section because I heard how bad they were to heal from. It was a piece of cake compared to the other ones! It was an awesome birth. I healed so quickly compared to my vaginal births. I was shocked. Now when I hear people bash c-sections, I just don't agree (that being said, I do see that some women were forced into them, and had a rough time, and I get that that is much different than what I went through!). But, point being, it's your choice how to have a baby. A c-section can be a beautiful birth. It's not lazy. How is it lazy?! Sure, you're choosing to not go through labor, but in a way, women who choose epidurals are choosing the same thing. Who cares. It's whatever you want/need emotionally/physically that you should go by.

So...remember all that and ignore what your mom says. Tell her that it would be silly of you to choose anything other than what you feel is right for you. And what a disrespectful doctor if he tried to make you have a VBAC if you didn't want to! A good doctor is one that respects the needs of the patient.

As for breastfeeding, that's awesome you pumped so long! After a while, pumping really hurts my boobs, so I'm not sure I could have pumped so long. Each baby is different. Nursing my first was a crazy task. My other three didn't have issues (other than one was tongue tied!). I think it's awesome you choose to pump. Pumping like that is anything but lazy. I found it to be such a hassle and take way more work than nurisng (once my baby started nursing). So the fact you are choosing that way due to your personal views/feelings...so NOT lazy. I find it quite caring that you'd do that!

This is YOUR life YOUR baby YOUR choices. While I agree a lot with your mom's views on things, I agree MUCH more with a mother doing what is right for HER.

How would she feel if she was forced to have a c-section? Or if she was forced to feed a baby formula? Wouldn't she hate that? Why is she trying to do the same thing, only opposite, with you? Freedom of choice...that's a treasure and she seems to have lost her focus a bit!

You're not one little bit lazy! I hope she backs off.

ADDED: I'm kind of a breastfeeding freak, and I read a couple other comments, and wanted to add - I do NOT think the way you feed your baby makes you love your baby more or less. Those who formula feed with bottles love their babies just as much as those who breastfeed. I think it's ridiculous for anyone to suggest otherwise. it's basically saying, "You're not doing things the way I think you should and so you're not as good of a mom as me." So silly. I've seen parents who werent' able to even bottle feed their babies (have to use a feeding tube), some can't even hold their babies, and they love their babies just as much. It's a silly thing for anyone to ever suggest... I get so tired of all the judgement out there with the choices people make. Any birth - no matter the kind - is just as awesome as another. A new little person is being born into the world - how amazing is that? I've had different types of births and can tell you that my c-section was just as awesome as my natural births...it's what brought my precious baby into the world and was BEAUTIFUL.

Sorry if you get judgement from people for your choices. I have only read two comments so far. But I think it's ridiculous how "right/wrong" birth has become...and feeding.

.

I think that it is YOU that should decide how you want to have your baby and then how you want to feed that baby. Personally I think a C-section is the harder way to go when having a child (recovery time AND pain-wise) and as far as the breastfeeding goes, it's all the same. I can't stand the bulls*** of those breastfeeding moms who say it is all about "bonding and closeness." No one has EVER been more bonded or close to their children than I was AND CONTINUE TO BE and I bottle-fed two of mine, breast/bottle the other two.

Do what is right for you and your baby. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you are doing it wrong. Trust me sweetheart, it is not YOU that needs therapy! And as far as natural, for those of you who think natural is the way to go, did you have an epidural or pain meds during or after birth? Just curious, as I don't think "natural" includes that.

You need to tell her and anyone else who insists on asking that you will bring your children into the world as you and your doctor sees best and you will be sure they are nourished properly once they are born but how either is achieved is quite frankly none of their concern as they don't get a vote.

I did not breastfeed, I am unaware of anyone in my family who did/does. I have no idea why it's just the way it is and there's never a "discussion" with others over it. I was 19 when I had my son and did as I knew was done. With my daughter, I did consider it (really wanted to do it) but knew I would not be comfortable at all and knew if I did that no one else could help feed so I chose not to. I know that breastmilk is supposed to be best and they say that it helps their brain development etc. Let me just tell you that I can't imagine what I would do if my daughter's brain was any more developed...she's very bright, does everything early, seem half psycic most of the time and is very healthy.

You do what you feel is best!

I might just say "I'll think about it..." and see if that works to keep her quiet...

It's your body and you can choose to birth and feed your baby the way you feel comfortable. There are risks associated with VBAC that is why alot of docs won't do them. She needs to respect your wishes. I had 3 c-sections and a healthy baby is more important than how they get here. I also didn't breast feed.

I pumped for my oldest son for a year (failure to latch) and breastfed my second son for a year. I found pumping exclusively WAY harder than breastfeeding. So, you are NOT being lazy! I had to pump with the second for 2 weeks (he had a tongue tie) and it was super hard balancing the toddler, pumping, and new baby for those two weeks. Not to mention washing all the pump equipment and bottles constantly and waking up to pump and feed baby at night. I think that it is wonderful that you gave your son breastmilk despite not enjoying the breastfeeding process. It is too bad your mom can't see this.

And I had an emergency C section with the first and a planned section with the second. I chose to NOT do a VBAC because my doctor didn't do them and I trusted his opinion. I don't care to be the 1% that has an abruption. I never delivered vaginally, but from what I have heard there are positives and negatives to both. It is really a personal decision.

I think your mom is being a little insensitive. She must know you've thought this through. Maybe she just doesn't know when to stop giving advice and just be supportive. Maybe she is worried that you aren't looking at all the options and finds it her motherly duty to present them to you. My MIL does this all the time. I am a super thoughtful person. I research and think about decisions A LOT. My mother in law still tells me "Don't forget to put rash cream on his butt when you change the diaper" and "buckle up when you drive" and "feed him vegetables" and "are you sure he is drinking enough milk?" Seriously, I am a mother of 2 and over 30 years old. Do you really think I don't do these things? I just think it is motherly concern and I roll my eyes and blow it off. Or just ignore. Good luck- Love your mom for loving you.

Tell her you don't have to live by anyone else's agenda.

I had a mother-in-law who got on my case when she saw me using the breast pump. I did it because I wanted to make sure baby got enough of it. She was more concerned that my breasts were going to get pulled and tugged by the machine than she was for my son. Unfortunately I had to live with her for a year, because hubby and I were in transition with countries. Eventually I got the courage and spoke up. Told her to mind her business and if I needed her help I'd ask for it. We've developed a better relationship since then. She's now on my sister's-in-law case about almost everything. Although she doesn't mutter a word to her because somehow silence works better than anything.
It all depends on how you feel really. If you need to speak up then do so. She's mom after all. I'm sure after arguing you can still be friends. Go with what you feel.

I think you should ignore your mother and just do what works for you, and your family. If you know she is going to disapprove then keep your conversations about these issues to a minimum. Talk about other things with her. I like you, never had an interest to breastfeed, and to be honest I have a problem with people who make mommies feel bad who do not. I have seen many women go in to depression because breastfeeding did not work for them. It does NOT make you a better mother!!! I never judged anyone on how they choose to parent. Breastfeeding is not for everyone. I formula fed both of my children and they are healthy, productive adults today. My son and daughter were both in the gifted program's in school, rarely sick, so all in all I think they were just fine. I think you are going to have to set some boundaries with mom, but do it when you are calm, not in the heat of the moment. Maybe over lunch, and in a public place. Just tell her it really hurts you when she judges your parenting styles. Tell her you are not her, and although it worked for her it doesn't work for you. If she doesn't get it then you have two choices ignore her, or limit your time spent with her. I wouldn't want to see this come between you and her so I would lean more towards trying to ignore her. Good luck on your beautiful family!!

I think you need to do what's best for you!! Since you'll have an older child in the mix now. I think your ideas are fine. Whether the breast milk is pumped or not is irrelevant. Breat milk is breast milk and I do like your idea of not have to guess how much she's getting. As for the VBAC...why mess with the plumbing if you don't have to? Whatever you decide IT'S YOUR DECESION!!! :)

You don't need to discuss or justify your parenting decisions with anyone, especially your mom. I'd tell her that unless she has something supportive or encouraging to say, you'd rather not talk about how you're going to raise your child. Tell her that she had her chance to do things her way, and you will do things your way.

It's so awesome how some mothers still can't understand that what's right for them, IS NOT right for everyone else. Must be nice living in that little bubble of close minded oblivion. OP, you DO NOT NEED THERAPY!!!

If you were my daughter, I'd probably want to give you a hard time too. =) She cares for you and your children and want the best for you.... or she's controlling and manipulative... ;) Just hang in there!! You can only do what is right for you and your family regardless of what everyone else thinks. Mostly, moms just care and want the best for you. Hang in there and try to be up front with her so she doesn't keep harassing you. I wanted to do the VBAC so much but because of my high risk issues, my doctor pretty much talked me out of it. Then when I had my fifth child (4th C-section), I found out that I could've had regular deliveries with all my kids regardless of my problem of my babies having low platelets because of my antibodies. UGH! I really didn't want to have so many C-Sections but we paint with the colors we have at the time. We can only do what we can. About breastfeeding. I know this is unsolicited advice but I'm all for giving breastfeeding a try. =) It gets easier and it's healthy and convenient. The pros outweigh the cons. Pumping is the next best thing too. Sorry, I had to throw that out there. Hang in there with your mom. I hate it when my husband's family gives me a hard time about things. My family doesn't do that to me but my in-laws made sure I didn't live without criticisms and their opinions. =) You're not lazy. Try not to take that personally. Good luck!

Hi--
I'm sorry your mother is giving you a hard time--there's nothing worse than a lack of boundaries. I made choices for my children that my mother disagreed with and I finally had to tell her that I only wanted her opinion if I asked for it.

I think it is hard for your mother because science does say that it is healthier for your baby and you to have a natural childbirth. The recovery is far easier for you and the baby is far more alert and prepared to be in the world after a journey through the birth canal. It is also healthier for the child to drink directly from the breast vs from a bottle for two reasons: 1. Certain enzymes and immune properties break down quickly once the milk is expressed, thereby rendering the milk not as healthy as when it is taken from the breast. 2. A baby at the breast can self-regulate how much they eat. Babies who take sustenance from a bottle gain more weight and have more trouble regulating their food intake when they are older. Parents won't believe a baby is "done" if the baby hasn't had as much food as they think they "should" so they continue to offer the bottle even though baby is done. That is why many doctors have a different growth chart for breast fed babies vs. bottle fed babies. Typically breast fed babies weigh less until between the ages of 3 and 4 when the children who were bottle fed begin to fully self-regulate. I tell you this not to argue with you, but to explain to you why it does in fact matter if the baby gets breast milk from the bottle vs. the breast.
However, if you are not comfortable with baby at the breast and you would rather spend twice the amount of time pumping the milk and cleaning the pump and bottles that is your choice. It does not help baby for Mommy to be uncomfortable while baby is eating. Your stress with baby being at the breast would certainly not be good for baby. I think your comfort level is more important then how the baby gets the breast milk. Also, if you are scared about having a VBAC that stress level would make the VBAC incredibly hard---which would not be good for you and baby. You seem to know what you can handle and what you cannot and that is a sign of a good mother.
So while I am clearly a proponent of natural childbirth and breast feeding (I did fully natural childbirth both times and did extended breast feeding with both children) that is what worked for me. Doing it the way that you are choosing would have made me absolutely crazy---I think that is why this is such a hot button topic. However, NO ONE including your own mother should ever assume to dictate to you what you should do with your own body and your own child. You are undoubtedly doing your best. You know your own limitations, your own feelings, and that is fantastic. I think you need to tell your mother that you have to do what feels right FOR YOU not for her---because in the long run, if the Mommy is happy then the baby is happy. It might also help to remind yourself that your mother is only trying to help you do what she sees as best for your health. It's gotta be hard to be the mother of an adult--what if your child wants to do with your grandchildren something that you would protest with all your heart? So while offering her the compassion she deserves as your mother, you can still place the boundary with her that you have to do what feels right for you.
I hope that helps.
J.

Oh man...I would have never been so brave as to ask this!!! People get pretty nutso about c-sections, and especially breastfeeding.

I would my mom, "My body, don't want to talk about it anymore." That would be the end of it. I don't know if you and your mother have a relationship, where you can be that blunt.

Okay, I'm coming into this discussion pretty late but I just had to add another supportive note in your corner! It's hard to combat those who feel that VBACs and breastfeeding are the only correct ways. Good for you for knowing your body and knowing what you can and can't do. I exclusively breastfeed too, but only for about 4-5 months with my first and that was all I could do. You are a rockstar for doing all year. If you did choose to go that route and try again (on both accounts) I would support you as well. I think since becoming a mother I've really tried to realize that everyone needs to do what works for them and sometimes it might not be popular but you do it anyway. In your case, I totally feel you! I had 2 c-sections as well. My first was breech so I had no choice, for my second I didn't want to try a VBAC, it was that simple. I hardly think major surgery is lazy! Good luck!

has she always been like this? i don't know how to stop her, but it would drive me batty and i would tell her with my hormones, i have to limit my time in stressful situations like this. hopefully, she will knock it off.

Breast feeding is about bonding and closeness. You need some therapy to get over your fears.
VBACs are ever so much better than a C-section for no other reason than convenience.
I'm with you mother.
Nature is natural.

My gosh some moms drive me CRAZY whether it be your own mom or some of the moms on this site! Having a baby is the least lazy thing in the world. The way you choose to have this baby is not lazy any way you slice it whether it be C-section, VBAC, or what some of these moms on her call "natural" birth. It is all hard and worth it at the same time. Having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world. Breastfeeding is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life next to pumping. So I applaud you on pumping for a year because I did not make it for 3 months after I went back to work. This site should be about support not bashing other moms for their decisions. I figure as long as your baby is well cared for, their belly is full, and their diaper is clean it makes no different how they come into this world or what kind of food formula or breast milk goes into their little bellies. Just love that little bunny when they arrive and don't worry about your mother or any other mother making you feel bad about your decisions. Good luck!

I use a stand by phrase from Love and Logic. I love you too much to argue with you. Keep saying it until she drops it. A "discussion" cannot take place if one person refuses to "discuss".

Your decisions, your baby, your health, your life. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, not even your mother! :)

Blessings!

L.

Consider VBAC because all children born via c-section have retained reflexes. This can lead to many developmental problems and learning difficuties. The birthing process itself squeezes the baby's body and sets up the central nervous system and sensory systems. When a baby is born the other way it is trauma. The baby's vestibular system and proprioceptive systems cannot function normally without being born vaginally. All the kids I work with were born c-section or had traumatic births and they all have issues. Read any books by Sally Goddard Blythe who is the leading authority on this. I know you are probably thinking your first child is fine but these problems sometimes show up when the child gets into higher order tasks in school. Usually around 3-5th grade. Most have problems as babies/toddlers.
As far as breastfeeding, there is no nipple in this world that will hit the "sweet spot" of your child's palate and give comfort and easy feeding on the suck, swallow, breathe. A child's mouth is the most organizing place on the body, setting up all other systems to be organized and feel safe. The breast goes to the farthest point in the back of their throat. Bottle nipples go to the front/mid part of the mouth. Try putting your own thumb in your mouth and see which feels better and doesn't make you panic and suck normally.
Your mom knows these things. Listen to her. But you need counseling from a professional so your emotions and feelings do not interfere with the bonding of you and your baby. Ambivalence is going to cause issues. Practice calm breathing and get many endorhins moving through your body so your baby can get lots of happy juice. Even dark chocolate will give those endorphins. Open your mind and heart and listen to different opinions so your child will have the best start possible. The birthing process sets the whole central nervous system up for life. Good luck and let us know how things work out for you. Tell your mom you are going to think about things so you guys don;t argue anymore....too much stress!

Your mom is not likely to come around to your way of thinking. These issues are so important to us. I am a big natural birth and breastfeeding proponent, I was a Bradley teacher for 13 years. I wish everyone would have a natural, unmedicated birth and breastfeed. However, each person's choices are theirs to make and not mine. It would be best to avoid having these discussions with mom.
While you could certainly seek a doctor or midwife who does VBACS if you wanted one, and if a woman wanted one, saying "My doctor doesn't do them" is not an excuse to have a different type of birth than you want, telling your mom, "My doctor does not do VBACs" should suffice.
As for breastfeeding, if you are exclusively pumping and giving your baby only breastmilk, you ARE breastfeeding. However, I do caution you, having EP'ed for the first 2 months til my last kid figured out how to nurse at the breast, it is NOT easy. The pump will not usually allow the same milk production as a baby at the breast, it is twice the work (you have to pump AND feed AND clean pump parts). You can try it if you hate nursing at the breast. Seeing how much your baby eats should not influence your decision and is not a reason to EP. You don't need to see what your baby eats. That is the beauty of nursing. We think that babies are dumb and helpless and need us to make all of their decisions for them, but the one thing your baby knows is when she is and is not hungry. Babies nurse at the breast for as long as they're hungry and take what they need. It isn't a benefit and does not make your baby healthier to know how much breastmilk they are taking, you aren't controlling how much they eat, and you shouldn't. EP'ing is a good way for a baby who otherwise would not get any breastmilk to get some and I hope that if you go ahead with this plan, that you are able to provide as much milk as you'd like but most moms are not able to provide enough to exclusively provide pumped milk for the entire first year. Good luck

CONGRATS on your new addition!!!

In regards to breast feeding? Seriously - creeped out by it? It's a natural process. You won't know until you try. Pumping and bottle feeding is fine....just don't get the being creeped out by breastfeeding. And yes, you are right - it doesn't matter the way it gets to their bellies...I just don't get the being creeped out by it...that's my "thing"!

If you tried it with your son - did you have a lactation consultant help you get the proper latch? When your child isn't latched on properly - it can be a horrible experience...

As to the VBAC - if your OB doesn't recommend it or doesn't do them and you like and trust your OB - then stick with that OB....

Don't know what you are letting your mom bother you like this. Tell her she did her job in raising you and while you value her opinion, you've heard it and don't need any more of them in regards to breast feeding and VBAC...

GOOD LUCK!!

She's wrong, but I have no idea how to make her go away. I would be nervous about a VBAC, so really, she's not a doctor and needs to shut up about that. I've always wanted to breastfeed, so I can't speak to that, but giving breastmilk as long as you can is great. If you decide to try to breastfeed and get past the "creep-out", find a lactation consultant that understands your feelings before you have the baby. BFing is natural, but not easy. And it's your body, so she needs to back off. Good luck!

Hey M.,
Congrats on your baby!
I am a bit confused by some of the answers below. I mean people become so angry at them! I mean you asked a question, so I assume you want opinions, not just people to agree with you? you're obviously an intelligent woman to want to see the other side and do what's best for your children....

That being said, I will give my opinion...
I don't think your mother should have called you lazy. Misinformed, perhaps. What people forget is that a c section is major surgery and should NOT be performed as an elective for any reason whatsoever. It is for an emergency situations. Also, now that there are so many medications given in hospitals, it causes complications, slowing down the natural course of labor thus creating more need for these so called emergency c sections. Not to mention that it is MUCH more costly than a natural birth so the drs are scooping up plenty more from insurance.
Recovery for both you and your child is longer from surgery too. As with ANY surgery, there can be complications.

Now, with breastfeeding, I think perhaps it kinda creeps you out because society has promoted breasts to be seen as sex objects rather than what they are meant for: producing milk for offspring. Just like cows produce milk for their calves NOT for humans. It still blows my mind that people think it's normal and healthy to consume the lactational secretions of another mammal.
Remember you are a strong, powerful woman who can do things. Figure out why you are so turned off from something so natural and beautiful. I tell you when I first had my daughter breastfeeding was painful till we both got used to things. Your breasts will need to toughen up but if you pumped, they should be tougher. Remember that nature always provides what is needed. There really is no reason to measure. Your breast produce what they need at the time. Your child latches on and then your breast knows to make more. Not to mention that if your child is sick, the saliva goes to your breast and then your body actually changes things around to make the right combination to help heal your child. It's a fascinating and beautiful thing.
You are not being lazy by pumping, storing, having bottles to wash and giving yourself extra work, but what you are doing is not allowing for yet another great experience.

tell her she already raised hers its your kids your choice end of conversation

How could pumping and then feeding be lazy. When I did that, I found it super time consuming. I think you need to refuse to talk to your mom about this if she is going to try and make you feel bad. How frustrating

Really you need to limit the amount of information or details you give your mom. Say things like, "I don't know yet" and leave it at that. She really doesn't need info if she isn't going to be supportive. And when she asks you something you can ask her "why do you ask mom" and see what she says. You can tell her that you are already a mom and a good one at that and you will take care of your children how you believe you should and you don't appreciate nor do you need her giving you a hard time about it. Just call her out on it and tell her to stop it. Good luck!

I pumped with both my kids. Neither of them, nor I, got the hang of breastfeeding. I can honostly say there is nothing lazy about pumping. It's more time consuming than breastfeeding, especially in the beginning when you have to pump and feed every 3-4 hours.

As for the VBAC, that's a decision between you and your doctor and no one else. I know there are women who prefer a VBAC and fight for it. My friend has a dr who performed an unnessary c-section and told her not matter what she couldn't have a VBAC. She switched to a mid-wife and had a successful VBAC. Me, on the otherhand, had an emergency c-section the first time and becuase of the circumstances of the labor/delivery and the way my 2nd pregnancy mirrored my first my dr, who is fully supportive of VBACs, felt having one would be too dangerous for both me and my baby. I was fine with a 2nd c/s. If you're okay with it too, then don't worry what other people say. Just tell them that it's medically necessary to have a 2nd c/s cuz a VBAC would endanger the life of your baby. That should shut them up. It did when I told people why I was having a second c/s.

A.

Tell your Mom that the next time SHE has a baby, she can choose whatever she'd like - c-section, vbac, breastfeeding - whatever she wants. Geesh!

It's your pregnancy, your baby. You choose. Mom needs to recognize you're an adult and accept any decisions you take. Tell her sweetly, but firmly. You love her and you love the baby on its way, but you already made your decision and you don't want it mentioned again.