My mother is 66 years old and healthy, but lately it seems she's forgetting things. Nothing serious, just stuff like that my aunt mentioned back in September that she wanted to host Thanksgiving (my mom forgot to tell me so I assumed we were going somewhere else. Now she's certain my aunt didn't talk to her, but there are other people who witnessed the conversation), or that I sent a video of my daughter's loose tooth (she texted back right after I sent it and now 36 hours later didn't remember that I sent the video). She seems to be able to lead her life fine, but I'm a bit worried. And my question is at what point do you get involved and tell your parent that you're worried for them? I don't want to over react and offend her, but I also don't want her to be having problems and not getting help.
In case it helps, my father died years ago so my Mom lives alone, but near to family (not near to me). She drinks more than she should, and I suspect she's depressed but will never admit it. Her drinking isn't "an issue" as in she doesn't drink and drive or get drunk in front of people, but I know she drinks several glasses of wine most nights by herself and other family have noticed she sometimes has one glass too many at family events. She has friends, is involved in the community, but since she retired several years ago, her world has shrunk.
How can I tell if she has a memory or other problem? Any advice from people who've helped their parents in situations like this before?
Could she be having blackouts from the alcohol at night? A lot of people suffer from the blackouts. They can be completely functional and then forget what they did, said, etc while drinking.
Just a thought.
A goo workup at the Dr. might be in order as well.
She's a Widow.
She is in her 60's.
She lives alone.
She drinks, and sounds lonely.
Does she really.... have friends and is active in the community?
I mean, if she does have friends and is active in the community... is that like once a month? Or weekly?
Big difference.
Older people and widows, need routines. Like anyone else. But once they are a Widow and are of a certain age... they do less. They even may cook less and eat less healthy, because they don't have a Spouse to cook for, only cooking for themselves, is not fun.
So they do less care-taking of themselves and even, eating or cooking.
Life changes and one is a widow and they live alone and when they are of a certain age, and are retired... and when they begin to see their own friends or peers... getting old too and/or dying etc.
It can be, really lonely.
And she drinks.
And it is affecting her recall and memory. Or it can be a combination of other medical age related things.
Have her, go to the Doctor for a check up.
And sure, tell her you are worried about her.
I've told my Mom that. She appreciated it... because it showed her that I care about her... and didn't forget her even if my Dad died etc.
In a Widows mind, all kinds of things can be felt.
My Mom is a Widow. She is old. BUT... before my Dad died, he told me/ my Husband that he wants my Mom to live with us. And she does. If she did not, she would probably be like your Mom.
Being a Widow is lonely. And if my Mom were living alone... I know, she would not be doing care-taking of herself or of her home... as well as she used to when my Dad were still alive.
My Mom is active and has friends and is active in the community too.
But it is not only just a once a month thing. It is daily. She is busy! And it keeps her alert and agile and happy.
And she does not wait, for others to come to her or to create activities for her. She, initiates things too. Which is good. But it takes, practice.
Your Mom's drinking, seems to be a problem.
Know that.
Drinkers do not have to be "drunk" for it to be a problem.
Memory lapses, also occurs due to drinking.
It is possible that she just doesn't care enough to remember. Like Thanksgiving plans change up until a date and until then she doesn't care. Do you send her tons of videos so that one in particular doesn't stand out?
Sometimes we do things that we don't realize people are tuning out, that doesn't mean their memory is failing.
When it is big stuff, then worry.
Drinking can cause a condition called 'wet brain' similar to other types of dementia. She may be drinking a lot more than anyone realizes.
I would say that drinking and being depressed can scramble the memory a bit. She probably needs to get out and make friends or do something for herself. Maybe join a club? Get out of the house? 66 is too young to be sitting at home depressed!
E.,
I'm truly sorry you are experiencing this.
If you are close enough to your mom to go to a well-check with her next doctor appointment. Make a list of your concerns BEFORE YOU go so that the doctor KNOWS the concerns.
Drinking can cause memory loss. She might be drinking more than you think. If I were you? I would have a talk with my mom. Explain my concerns and see what she says.
Do you have the room to move her into your home?
Do you have the funds or does she have the funds to have a paid companion? I know that's what friends are for - however - they might be busy.
She might be experiencing early stages dementia. You need to go with her doctor - if you can!!
Good luck!
Is she on any cholesterol medication (statins)?
They can mess with your memory something awful.
I had a bad reaction to taking statins when I was 38 (made me feel like I was 70 years old) - I thought I was going senile (and my joints hurt me badly).
I accidentally ran out of the medication (it was mail order and bad weather delayed a shipment on a refill) and my memory and joints were so much better.
When my refill came in I began taking it again and once again my memory and joints were shot.
I told my doctor - I'm quitting this drug, cholesterol be darned - and I've felt great ever since.
I would be more worried about the drinking. It could be a factor.
She could be drinking more than either of you realize. She could be realizing she has a memory problem, also and is depressed about it.
The drinking could be self medicating her depression. If other people are worried about her drinking, then there are questions to be asked to see if the drinking is a problem. It can be a problem even if she doesnt drive and her relatives have noticed. It's nagging you or you would not have mentioned it.
Otherwise, I'd not be concerned untill she forgets who your daughter is or why we celebrate Thanksgiving.
It's a frustrating time of life but it sounds like a pretty normal kind of forgetting. it's the drinking that's bothersome.
My parents started forgetting things about 5 years ago. Initially, it really scared me since both were always really "sharp". However, I can now distinguish between what seems to be senior moments and the really bad memory issues that another elderly relative has. There are very subtle question-based tests that a doctor does --and you can google them, if you are hoping to get an idea of whether this is a major issue or normal aging.
Loneliness can manifest many illnesses. Can you move closer to her? Can you visit monthly?
It's going to be extremely hard for your mom to hear, and she may initially get very angry with you for bringing it up, but I think you should recommend that she sees a doctor. She definitely sounds depressed and it's hard to say whether the alcohol is causing the memory problems or if she is experiencing something like early onset Alzheimers. If multiple family members have noticed that she sometimes has one glass too many, her drinking IS an issue. Just because she isn't driving (thank goodness she has the good sense for that), doesn't mean she isn't causing damage. She's destroying her liver and possibly impairing her judgment.
She needs help. Have her see both a psychiatrist, who can prescribe meds, and a therapist who can help her work through some of it. She should find a therapist who focuses on people in similar situations (widows, growing older, starting to have memory loss, etc)
It could be any number of things.
Would she go see a doctor "for a regular physical exam" if you suggested
it to her.
Then you can tell her to get a blood panel done.
It could be early onset Alzheimers, or just dementia.
It may not be linked to her drinking. Although that might be a slight
possibility.
I would suggest to her to go get the check up.
Then recommend she get involved with volunteer work, a hobby, seeing
her friends more, local community things etc.
She could just be experiencing memory loss. That's why seeing a doctor
would help greatly. To rule out some things.
Maybe just ask her if she's ever bored.
Then suggest some outings in her area, that she get together with friends
etc.
In retrospect, mine has been having senior moments since about your mom's age. She has long been one to multitask, and think of 12 things at once. She finds herself thinking- perhaps an extra cup of rice with Sunday's dinner; I wonder if the radiators need bleeding; I should really call the stock broker; when is uncle XX due back from vacation so I can offer to run some new milk, eggs, butter etc to their home so they don't have to do a grocery run when they get in at god knows what hour; who is this mayoral candidate; all at once. She can't remember who she told what to, and if there is a deviation from her normal routine, expectations which she didn't think up or agree with in principle, she will have a hard time embracing it.
we have done the following-
to the extent that there are things which are to be calendared, I make sure that they are actually written on her calendar.
we've put in place certain belt and suspenders measures. Spare keys here and there. an extra land line, a spare key to the house, and a $20 in the butter dish in the fridge in the garage (which opens on a combination).
we top up the gas in her car whenever we see her.
we have the phone, gas, electric, etc alert us if bills are overdue.
we hand hold when it comes to technology, or difficult elections i.e. prescription drug coverage selections.
We started off by saying since she has our little one over sometimes, belt and suspenders measures are necessary as he has been known to say, drop keys in a snow drift. This was a comfortable way for her to accept the help (it wasn't about her failing abilities, it was about safeguarding her from our then toddler's antics) she has been good at recognizing that she needs the help. she is appreciative for the assistance.
Best to you and yours,
F. B.
I would start by talking to her friends. If it is an issue, they've most likely noticed too. If they have also noticed, then talk to her about it and take her to the doctor. There are many things that can affect memory, from bad drug interaction to alzheimer's, drinking will affect the mind, but so will too many antacids. If she would take that kind of news badly but sees her doctor regularly, you can talk to the doctor without her. He can't tell you anything, but he can listen to your concerns and set up appropriate tests.
She has her own life and probably doesn't have everyone else's priorities as hers. Yes, it sounds like she is dirnking too much as well. But I wouldn't worry just yet. Like others have said, when it's the big things she is forgetting, then worry.
