Hi Moms - I'll try to be brief. My father passed away and my mom has been a widow for 6 years. She is young, 55. Well, recently the man she was dating before she met my father (at least 30 yrs ago) has reached out to her (via Facebook, of course), and they have been "reconnecting" since the week before Christmas - so about 1 month.
Well, the more she told me about him the less excited I became for her. Granted, I am the first of her 3 children who told her I would support her if she started dating, and I would, truly. This particular man is an alcoholic (has been clean for 1 year). He is absolutely broke. He lost it all when he fell, while drinking, and spent 3 mo in the ICU, at which point his wife (yes, still wife, but divorcing) took everything out their house and the house was lost to the bank. He has debt with is wife, was living in shabbles with his young daughter and taking care of his 18 mo old granddaughter.
For 2 weeks now, he has been "staying" with my mom, yes, living in her home. And this will continue for at least another week, and she pretty much said he will be moving in with her. My fear is that she will end up supporting this man financially and emotionally to her great detriment. I also strongly suspect his primary motivation is having her bail him out of his circumstances. I'm sick that I feel like my mom is being taken advantage of by this man, and eventhough I've met him a couple times, do not like him anymore in person. How can I reconsile my feelings towards this man, and still keep a close relationship with my mom that I love? Have any of you been in a similar situation?
What would you want her to tell you? And would you listen if she told you?
My mom was married to someone less than stellar and I just said, "Mom I love you. These things concern me." It took HER a long time to see it for herself. You have legit concerns. My mom's xDH ruined her financially.
I think the only thing you can really do, is quietly and kindly present your worries to her. Anything other then that, will probably harm your relationship.
You're probably right. She's going to support him, he's looking for escape, she's making a really stupid decision!
Unfortunately there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. She's a grown woman, she wants him, enough said. If you want to keep a close relationship with your mom, then smile when you see him and be kind. You can express your opinion about him once (if you haven't already) but then leave it alone and be happy you don't have to live with him.
I have. I met a man who was broke, younger than me, and no one in my family felt he was marriage material. I was getting divorced and had two small children. He was 'staying with me' and I knew I better marry him as I didn't want my children to see me living with someone. I supported him financially, emotionally and made him a citizen. And, my children have grown to love him and I am now married to him almost SIXTEEN YEARS!!!! Never say never. Life has so many surprises. I am not sure what you have to reconcile with him about. Did you have a fight with him? Let your mother decide what will make her happy. Just keep L. your mother. And if he ever gets added to that the better. I really don't like my stepfather by the way, and that is another story, but I accept that she wants to be with him. No matter what his past is and that is an incredibly bad story.
Those type of men can be dangerous my father is an acholoic and he and mom mother are both dateing but i keep a close eye on my father do the same never let your gaurd down it is possible to change but its also possible to slip and end up worse off. Do your best to talk to her about it without telling her no be her freind let her no you are conserned and look around for better for her help her maybe with blind dates that you do not have to worry so much about.Its great and hard she is dateing again but its a good thing to see her happy but help her find who makes her happy. Be her freind she will respect your honosty.
Best of luck!!!
C.
People don't get taken advantage of, unless they let themselves get taken advantage of. Your mother is probably well aware of the risks, but doesn't care. "Love" makes you do odd things!!
I, fortunately, have not had to face this. But I understand it is not an uncommon thing. Having been married almost 24 years---dating is a totally foreign concept to me. But, in this crazy world, even if I knew someone 30 years ago--I would either get a VERY THOROUGH background check on this guy--and/or I would hire a private detective before I let ANYBODY into my home or dated them. I might be paranoid---but that is what I would do. Maybe you could hire the PI or get the background check. If they check out--perfect. If not---give the report(s) to your mom and let her make the decision.
Wow... this is a TRAIN wreck... about to happen.
All the wrong reasons.... to be with this man.
The man is preying on your Mom.... in other words... USING her.
Is your Mom even rational???
I would not try and 'like' this Man... who is harming your Mom. In many ways.
And what if he has an STD sexually transmitted disease, or worse???
Per his having NO integrity at all, and fooling around on his Wife... I am sure he has fooled around before... and very well may have STD's.
In this age group and older.... STD's are a very real problem. Nowadays.
So... keep that in mind.
This man... is a total loser and... a scavenger.... and user.
all the best,
Susan
moms make mistakes too just like kids and I think you are right and she is on the rebound and has to start somewhere she also has to learn from her mistakes and I bet he is out on his hiney within 6 months. pray alot
