My Marriage

I believe every married couple has significant problems at one point in their marriage. Him leaving on being on his own is running away from the problem, not facing it.

Have you two spoke about marriage counseling? Getting a third, unbiased, professional opinion/help makes a big difference in a marriage.

Also, his lack of sleep is probably why he is not thinking clearly.

Another thing is do you have family that can help with the boys so that he can get some sleep. Maybe a few days a week.

My hope is that you two can work this out jointly.

Many blessings.

Nope, won't work...so he moves out for 3-6 months...what happens when he comes back, it's the same situation again. Many people struggle through kids and work...could a family member take the kids a couple of dys a week so he can get his "good" sleep??
Something else is up with him-----a talk is needed.

I have not had this situation, but as an outsider, I do not see where him moving out would lessen stress. I think it would only create more, primarily for you and the kids. If he wants to concentrate on his health, he needs to learn how to do it with you and the kids around, not without you. You are not being selfish. You need to learn how to work at this as a team, and by him moving out, that is not the solution.

It sounds like he wants a trial separation. He sounds unsure of what he wants and maybe is wondering what it would be like to be away from the family so he's trying to explore other options--the grass is greener on the other side? Unless the doctor suggested this arrangement, I agree with you, it sounds ludacris. I think that maybe the health/weight issues are an excuse to cover up something else--like something psychological? I would be careful with this situation. It reminds me a little of my sister-in-law who would leave her kids and husband at least once a year for about a month, because she needed a "mental break" from it all. She'd move in with her mom and take it easy, leaving my BIL to do everything while she had her "me time" as she called it. After they visited a psychologist, she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Finally, after a few years after her diagnosis, she divorced my brother-in-law and her kids as well--doesn't even visit with the kids who are now teenagers. I'm not comparing the two situations, but I would definitely sit down and talk with him before allowing him to leave. I hope things work out for you.

-M.

Hi D.,

I do agree with a lot of what everyone else is saying. And please don't take this wrong but there was nothing in your story about it, If your husband works till 5:30am 3 days a week, on those 3 days when does he get to sleep, if you work all day and leave let say 8am. He is home at 6a that leave approx 2 hours before the kids get up. Maybe honestly he is just exhausted. And yes I understand that you work also but you get to sleep when the kids are sleeping. I don't think moving out is the answer at all. Daycare or a family friend would seem like it could solve this issue. I wish you the best of luck.

I would think it would be better for your marriage to, rather than pay for another place to live, get the kids into daycare a few days a week so he can rest and go on a regular shift. 3rd shift is hard on ANYONE, let alone someone with health problems. Daycare a few days a week can be GOOD for kids too. If he was on the same shift as you, the whole family could be together at the same times. I would think that would be a WAY better solution than him moving out. That would just confuse the kids and I would think it would be worse on your marriage too!

Hi there i am sorry but i agree with you totally him moving out is not the answer. Maybe he can try and change his work schedule, i am sure he is thinking about his family but doing it that way would be all wrong. Has he talked to his dr about his problems? I am sure together they could come up with a solution that would work for him and you and your children but again i agree with you. Good luck to you all!!! B. w

D.--I read your "what happened" and it is great that you two are communicating. Just wanted to add that hypertension meds make you EXHAUSTED and when you are tired, everything is harder (I have taken them when i was pregnant and my husband took them for a time after an actual heart attack in his 30s!?!)It is tricky, because if his hypertension is threatening his health...he is afraid to go off of them or decrease them, etc. It is just a thought---and maybe a foreign one if you have never dabbled in it before---but there are a lot of holistic ways/alternative ways to combat hypertension as well. The side effects from any meds can not only have physical effects but also legitamate mental and/or emotional effects that someone may not even notice. i have researched health, nutrition and heart issues like crazy and have found some great information (natural health mags, books, and google). Those meds may be contributing to the way he feels physically, mentally and emotionally.
Just some two cents from personal experience in that area. Good luck with everything.

If he is not getting enough sleep that is an issue. I would try to let the kids know daddy needs rest and maybe the nights he works you come home from work and have him go to bed after dinner. Or maybe you two need some conselling so his meds get decrease not increased. Maybe a consulor could help you get a different schedule. If he is needing some thing differetn that means you need to do the same. Maybe he could do afternoons and you can stay on days. That way rest works both ways. The 7 year mark is also scarry for everyone in a marriage. Not to scare you they say it is the year to save or brake you. I believe you two are in love but he feels sufficated especially if hes not getting enough rest. Maybe if you even take the kids outside or out somewhere so he can sleep. To be honest I tell my kids the way it is if my we need rest I'm honest daddy needs to sleep please be quiet grant you a two year old or lower some even 3 and lower depending if they are slow learners have difficaulty so make things to do to keep them quiet. Do crafts change your tone from normal talk to wisper play the quiet game or the wisper game. They get a reward if they are good. Sometimes I would take them to visit an old friend we haven't seen in a while or something. Good luck oh if you want to see the conselor look into your insurance company for health they usually have ones that are covered and you shouldn't pay for the sessions or maybe just a part if the insurance doesn't cover someof it.

I'm sorry your going through this! I second what most everyone else has said. Daycare would be alot cheaper than paying for two of everything! Especially if it's only three days a week. As for the health part of it...could you guys join a gym together maybe like the Y where you could get a family membership? Then everyone could be involved! Also can't hypertension be helped by diet? Seems like that is what my brother in law has and he is not on meds, he just had to change his eating habits. That's hard I know, but if he's seriously worried about his health then putting the kids in daycare, go to the gym together as a fam and changing your diet should be top priorities ...seems like even with the added cost of those things it would still be cheaper than having to pay for twice the amount on housing/utility costs etc. Have another talk and if he won't agree to those things then again I second what someone else said...ask the difficult questions! Good luck to you!

Hi D.,

You are at what some people call the "7 year itch". It's a time that a mairrage goes through some tough times with the "what if's". Him moving out may be "good" for him psychologically but it will tear your mairrage apart and be an added stress as far as finances. If he is willing to spend that kind of money on living somewhere else he should be willing to spend that kind of money to stay right where he is an hire a sitter so he can sleep. His weight issues are most likely due to his style of eating and lack of exercise. If he gets into a better exercise routine it will actually help him mentally and physically where the sleep is concerned. A person that is more in shape doesn't necessarily need more sleep all the time. I would definitely enlist the help of neighbors or friends that might be able to watch the kids even once a week. Get a few and have them alternate days or something. If you have family around that's even better. If you aren't a regular church goer I would suggest you try to visit one every now and again. You'd be suprised at the support they can give just by smiling at you every week. He needs to consider that if he can make it through the summer your 5 year old will be starting school and that is a big break in and of itself. Any which way, take it one day at a time and keep the communication lines open. If he still wants to move out then there is most likely more to it than just his health and routine. Seek out some counseling if needed. If he won't go then go just for yourself. I wish you the best - I'm praying for you.

S.

You're right. This is ludicrous! Sounds like something else is going on. My guess is he's cheating on you or at least thinking of leaving. Please try to get him to go to counselling with you. If he won't, please go yourself. I think he's playing the health card but it isn't the real issue. Hypertension does not cause this type of behavior. He's playing you - that's what I think.

He's being stupid.

Moving out is a REALLY dumb Idea.

1.) he's not considering the added drive time to come to your house to take care of the kids.

2.) He's not considering the emotional impact his absence will have on your relationship/Marriage or on the children.

3.) working 3 nights a week is NOT NOT NOT that much. It's barely full time...36hours. What is he doing the other 132 hours of the week?

Bottom line, he's not taking responsibility for his own health. He is a grown up he is capable to making healthy choices. You need to sit down as a family and decide what changes you are going to make.

Perhaps when he is home with the kids during the day they can go for a walk everyday so he gets excercise. Perhaps you can revamp your diets so that he is getting a lot of fresh veggies and fruits, cut out processed foods. Have a set bedtime. If he's not getting enough sleep it's probably because he's staying up too late and getting up too early...not because he has too many responsibilities.

You're a FAMILY act like one, work together.

I agree with most of the other mama's this is not the answer! He is using his health to guilt you and to somehow try to escape. I know many men who work much more than he does and finds time for diet and exercise which is what he needs! There is something else going on with him to actually want to move out! Make a family plan on how to change health habits and to fit in exercise. But to me this goes much deeper! Do a gut check and figure out why he really wants to move out. AND if it is just health, there are many options out there to help hypertension that does not include moving out! I wish you all the best and hope that you can come to a compromise.

I have been married for 34 years. We have been through alot during those years and I cannot imagine how separating would help ANY marriage get better. Plus, how can living apart be econimical. It would cost way more than daycare. He is being selfish, not you. Sure, it would be easier for him to go do his thing and not be accountable to you and your children. He needs to man up, take responsibility for his own health and be accountable to you and your children.

Where would he be living? He seems to think you, & the children are the cause of his health issues. The doc. thinks it's his job schedule. True the hours are bruttal, could the kids go into daycare the 3 days a week he works, so he could create a new routine within the marrital home. I would be concerned he would like it where he is and not return, face it we all wake up thinking I wish I still lived at home with my mom, & everything she would do for me, but then we realise how blessed we are to have healthy children, how they fill our lives with joy and laughter all day, and were lucky to be parents, 18yr is shorter than we think, you don't have much time to figure this out. Has he thought of how the children would react, when their father is no longer in the home. If you both as parents don't sit the kids down and tell them, they will just tell their friends what they think is going on. (5yr old)Daddy has hypertension and will be healthier living somewhere else. the (2yr old) would most likely become angree and not want to sleep, your husband know what that is like. These are little people, and he has to concider their feelings, as well as yours, costs would be higher living apart, I would concider it abandenment. He is being selfish. Their are other way's to handle the issue's at hand, leaving NO, you can't run away from your responsiblities, too your wife, and family. Get conciling, from Church, or other free orginizations. Best of luck to you & your family

That is the most absurd thing that I ever heard. You are not overreacting...trust me. Is there a way that he could go back on days without the cost of daycare?

Are you happy with your position at work? There are many home based businesses that you could earn money working from home. I have 4 kids and have been home now for 16 yrs.

I certainly would be happy to share my experiences and share with you a couple of things to think about.

Having two parents "together" is ideal.

From your description, it sounds like you are not being sympathetic or flexible and it has created a feeling of scarcity in your family where you husband feels like he is not a priority so he has to take back in this way. Won't moving out be more expensive than childcare?

What about this:
* realize that this time where the kids need you so much will not be forever and come together as a team to get through it (and save your marriage and family!)
* change your attitude, let him know you care about him and his needs. sleep is not optional.
* Let him take a job with hours that work with normal human rhythms, give him time to exercise (my husband takes one of our kids jogging with him), and try to be generally nicer
* Until the two year old is in school, for 3 more years, do whatever you have to do to make it financially - if you can't cover child care while you both work 9-5, maybe one of you should stay home. Sell your second car, any extra stuff around your house, eat cheap homecooked food. Or would you qualify for state assistance with the child care?

I hope you guys can find happiness, good luck!

I would ask his doctor if that would improve his health. Seems ludicrous to me. I mean if he can't maintain some degree of self discipline at home with you and the kids, he's not going to have it in a new place either. Something seems off here. It would be a financial strain which could bring on even more stress and affect his health. If he doesn't know how to eat properly then he needs some guidance big time. Because it won't happen if he's on his own.
And how, when the time between 6 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. is he going to get any sleep anywhere else if he's with the kids during that time? Does it mean that on the 4 days he doesn't work that he'll be at home full time?
What does your gut instinct tell you?

That is crazy.. move out for months so he can get healthy??

you have a 5 year old who will be in kindergarden in the fall.. so life will be easier..

maybe you can pya for childcare for 1 child so your husband can work days..

there is no way that moving out for any period of time is the right thing to do..

it will be tremendously upsetting for the kids too.

the other 4 days when he is not working he can certainly exercise or whatever...I am sure that he can exercise when he is hoem with the kids too.. 2 and 5 year olds do not need supervision every minute..

No. This is not a good idea for any reasons. First and foremost is that he needs to be able to handle the pressures of family life while working on getting and staying healthy. The habits he'll create while he's in his bubble will completely disappear as soon as comes back home.

Some of the things that other have said, that his work schedule is not that intensive and hypertension doesn't cause this kind of behavior is not completely apt. There are numerous studies of how working the third shift really screws a body up leading to an increase in all kinds of medical issues. And this kind of idea reeks to me of someone who is so sleep deprived that it may sound like a good idea to them even though it makes no sense to the rest of the world.

Personally, I would have him make a list of everything he thinks is adding to his condition, add anything you can think of, then go and talk to his doctor together.

Especially with summer coming up, I would look into hiring a high school student or another mom who can keep an eye on the kids for a couple of hours while your husband can get some rest. (Financially, this would be much cheaper than him moving out.)

You are not being selfish by just focusing on the financial aspects. There are a lot of areas this issue will affect as others have mentioned. I have gone through this exact situation (as far as hubby w/hypertension working 3rd shift) and have helped friends work through similiar situations. I know what kind of a mess I would be if I was in his shoes. I hope you two can come to a compromise that works for the both of you. Drop me a line if you'd like. Good luck.

Not a good idea! I agree with Denise J, she makes alot of good points in her response.

D.,

To me, this sounds insane. I don't understand how he is going to create a new routine by moving out? He will still keep his work schedule, he will still watch the kids during the day .... but he is just going to sleep somewhere else? That doesn't make sense!

Yes, he does need to get a handle on his health but that can be done while still maintaining your marriage. You work on it together. You're a team. That's the point of marriage! Not to mention the financial stress it will put on your family finances. Rent, utilities and food fpr another location? He works from 5:30 to 6am... so what's the point of moving out? He's not at home in the evening anyway! You're probably gone by what... 8am... so he sees you for all of 2 hours before you go to work. I'm confused. Seriously confused on why he wants to move out.

Seriously, this does not make sense. Honestly, it seems like there is something else going on here. There is more to the story. If it were me in this situation I would ask the question if he wants to stay in the marriage at all, or if this is just a way to transition out ... and 'let you down easily'.

Ask the difficult questions hon. There is more to this story.

From what you are saying, sounds like there is not only a problem with your hubbys health but there may be a problem in your marriage. You should have a long talk to your hubby.

Good Morning D.,

I have been married for 25 yrs with 3 kids. I am a born again christian and I know that there is no situation that that God cannot solve. Most problems can be solved by having some real candid, deep and heart to heart discussions. Pray together first, Ask God to lead and guide you both. Have that great discussion laying all the cards on the table. Discuss the pros and cons. The love that God has for you, the love that exists between the two of you and the love that has held your family together for 9 years will yield the answer for your situation. This has worked for me 25 years. Be Healthy and Happy!

I think his reason to move out is a poor excuse. Plus it will affect the children. Even if he spends the same amount of time with them it will affect them because he is not living in the home. It would only get worse for you guys.

A marriage means you are 'one' and therefore you need to work on this together. Sounds like there are other issues and you probably need to spend more time together on your marriage, which is hard when you work different shifts. I understand that you're trying to save money, but its not worth your marriage (if you can afford it in the least bit).

Maybe suggest seeing a marriage counselor first and tell him if that does not work then you'll try his idea. I feel confident it would work because your therapist will not agree with your husband's idea and they can really give some "eye openers" to help you two through this.

If you know he won't be open to counseling you could tell him you really want to go, but you need his support and ask him to go with you (that's how I got my husband to go a few years ago - and it turned out to really help).

My heart goes out to you! Good luck with it all.

Oh my gosh, that seems crazy to me!! I understand that he wants to get his health back on track, but it sounds like to me that he also wants an excuse to not be home at night. This would be terrible for your marriage. If you have to try to do daycare and help save your marriage then do it. It sounds like he is not happy...and that it is not all his health. I think you guys need to work it out and figure out what is best for your marriage and health.
Are you sure he has not met someone else? Sounds like that could be a reason he wants an excuse to move out??? I think you should ask yourself that and make sure he is not cheating on you.

Hope things get better!
S.

By his "moving out for his health" the day to day connection that you two have WILL be severed.

It is not insane to think of the financial implications... but how will it be helped by his having two rent payments, two sets of utility bills, two houses to keep food in and pay for cleaning supplys for, etc... Plus furnishings.

I would perhaps look into using that money that would be spent on those and perhaps find a friend that will watch the kids and pay them for it.

You guys are going thru what most call the "7 yr itch". Its a time period that you look around you and think about the what ifs... what if I HADN"T got married when I did... what if I lived where I had wanted to when I was 18... finished school, got THAT job.... etc.

You can change your routine at home. But his moving out will not change his routine. He will still be working insane hours. And since you said he'd still have the kids how will he be getting more rest? It will be harder on you because you will not have the support he gives you at home when you are both there.

His moving out is the easy way... Marriage takes work.

Perhaps even having someone else watch the kids for just a few hours will enable him to sleep and go to a gym...

Moving out will hurt the marriage more. He needs to work in the days. If you can get family to help with daycare, go that way, or give up something else. We don't know your finances but his health comes first, even if he keeps this shift you need a sitter so that he can sleep. You are not selfish to not want him to move. That sounds odd. There must be some other issue that needs dealt with. Keep you eyes and ears open so thatyou can get to the bitten of the real reason. Good luck.

D.,

I would tend to agree that it is time to ask the tough questions. My ex-husband would blame me for things I had nothing to do with. Turned out he was covering up his drug use and an affair. I would go even a step further and ask where and with whom he plans to spend this time away from his family. It is not fair to pull the wool over your eyes while pulling the rug from under your feet. He should call a separation what it is.

Is your family involved with a church or other place of worship? Many places offer counseling to their members at a low or not cost. There is marriage-saving program called Retrovaille that help couples who are faced with separation, divorce or have been divorced and are looking for a way back together. They have a website now - www.retrovaille.org - that they didn't have back when I went with my ex. Obviously, it didn't help us. But, they have saved countless other marriages. We didn't have the money for the program, but no couples are ever turned away due to financial reasons.

Remember to stay calm, be ready for whatever the answers may be, and take your time to think what is best for you and your family. Don't forget to breathe. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

D.

Wouldn't it be less expensive to hire someone to come in & care for your children (or find part time day care) so your husband could have a few hours of sleep (or even down time)? This seems the lesser of the two evils...or is there something else going on?

My first thought is Huh?? That doesn't make any sense. I agree a heart to heart is in order, pronto. If you are having troubles communicating, talk to a counselor. Spend the money if insurance doesn't cover it. Your marriage is worth it.

Good luck.