My Kids Seeing Grandma's Face Lift

Um. Your mother chose to change her appearance to make herself feel better. They love their grandmother. If she had been banged up in a car wreck you'd explain that she she had bruises and scratches from that. Explain now that Grandma had the doctor fix some things she didn't like, and move on. They won't care. Take them over in the evening to watch a movie with Grandma. The lights could be lower so that the bruises won't be quite so stunning maybe, but be honest and let her answer their questions.

This might be a good time to talk to your kids about appearances and how we're still the same person on the inside... in a possitive manner. If, then later, something bad happened to someone they loved, like an illness or bad burns, they would have something to relate it to... My girls went through my mother's cancer...loss of hair, change in color, etc... just fine.

Hi F.,
I am reading this from the plastic surgeon's office where I work and there is a facelift being performed just down the hall.
How long ago was your mom's surgery? Have you seen her in the last day or two? Typically, most patients are looking more or less normal within 7-10 days after a meloplasty. Sutures are usually removed at 7 days post-op, and at that point, aside from possible (minimal in most cases) swelling/brusing patients look ok.
You say that there is no reason for them to see her looking like this, but is there really any reason they couldn't? The world is full of people who look different, whether they were born that way or have altered their appearance in some way. Perhaps this could be an opportunity for you to talk to your kids about how to handle situations in which someone doesn't look the way they might expect. If your mom had undergone some other surgery would you allow your children to see her during her post-operative/recovery period, or is your reaction simply due to the fact that she had elective cosmetic surgery? I see facelift patients on a regular basis, so I know how awful they sometimes look, but within a few days I would have no problem with my son (he's 2) seeing a family member who had had surgery.
I realize from reading the other responses I am part of the minority here, but I just think that sometime we try to shield our kids from things that we shouldn't-I would rather prepare my child for the world than try to protect him from it. Just another point of view to think about.

I don't think you are wrong. She needs to understand that kids can be frightened by this sort of thing and it is best for them to wait until she is mostly recovered. Is it possible for them to speak to her on the phone? Maybe that will make them all feel better. I'm sure the kids are wondering what's up as well. Just make sure your mom will 'play nice' on the phone and not say anything like 'your mama won't let me see you', or anything else that places blame on you. Just a nice converstation saying that she is fine and misses them and can't wait until her surgery recovery is over and she can see them again.

You don't say how long the expected recovery is. I would assume a couple of weeks until she will look somewhat normal. I think it takes longer for complete recovery, but it will probably be ok for the kids to see here once the cuts are generally healed and the bulk of the swelling has gone down. At that point they will be reasonably sure she's going to be fine.

Make sure she knows that this is about what is best for the kids, and stick to your guns. Frankenstein Grandma is not a good image for them to carry in their heads! Phone calls every couple of days until she's better is a good way to keep them all connected and really show her that this is not about punishing her. It will also be good for the kids since they are used to seeing her often. Normal conversations will assure them that grandma is fine, but needs to rest and recover for a few weeks before she can have company. If your mom can't understand that, it is her problem not yours. Hold firm, you are in the right here!

I'm so sorry.
When I was a teen, I had a close relative do a lot of major cosmetic surgery, and then show up for a family vacation---with all the stitches and bruises fresh, without warning any of us! She was also anorexic at the time!
We had no idea she had surgery or an eating disorder. She looked like walking death, and it scared the hell out of all of us.
I totally understand the trauma from seeing a loved one look like a science experiment gone wrong...

You are not wrong. She can talk to them on the phone, right?
But maybe try going to see her, and checking how much she has improved. If she doesn't look too scary, you can just prepare them by explaining what happened with your mother's face, and that she will look a little different from now on.

That's a hard one!
Young kids can be turned off by small physical changes (hair color, shaved beard or mustache...) or get scared... But your children are 10 and 7.
Before they see her next time, anyway, you will have to "prepare" them, because even if she is 100% healed, she will look quite different.
I would go and see her again, check how she does look. If she is just a little puffy, then I would allow the kids to see her. Otherwise, phone calls are a good option.
If they are used to see her often, they may get alarmed and wonder what is going on, thy may think she is sick or that you are in bad terms...
I would let them see her (whenever she is OK enough), but with a warning for them and one for her.
They should know her face has changed
She should know they may need time to adapt to it.
Before, they go, I would call her and remind her not to be pushy, to let them come to her (and her new face) at their own pace. They may need time to get used to it and keep their distance for some time before warming up to her again. Don't force them to kiss/hug/talk to her.

I agree with you 100%. I feel that it is very selfish of your mother to insist that your children see her while she heals. She should understand that there are just somethings that kids don't need to be exposed to. This is a choice that she has made and rightfully so but it is your choice to not have your children see her until she's "back to normal."

I think you are right to wait until your mother is healed to let her see the kids. They are young, and no one knows how this may affect them. I was 16 when my grandma was in the hospital for heart surgery. She suffered a minor stroke during surgery, and never recovered. Even at the age of 16, it took me 3 weeks to be comfortable enough to go see her in the hospital, and then another week to even step inside the room. (I stood outside her door in the hallway). I was very close to my grandma, and I was devastated to see her hurting. It's been 13 years, and the memory of seeing her attached to all those machines still brings on a wave of sadness.

Another thing that comes to mind was when I was talking to my 9 year old about what would happen when I went into labor with his little sister. He asked a lot of questions and said "well, doesn't it hurt?" and I answered him honestly. He started to cry when he realized that I'd gone through the exact same thing with his labor, and he felt guilty that he had caused me pain. He didn't even SEE me in labor, he just thought of it, and it affected him that deeply. Just imagine how your kids would feel if they saw your mother's scars?

Once she is healed, let her spend all the time she wants with the kids, but until then, she needs to understand the trauma she could cause by pushing things. Your kids love her, and even though it was her choice to do this, they still don't want to know that grandma was hurt. I hope your mom comes to realize that you're not doing this out of spite, but out of love. Best of luck to you. :)

Wow, I’m sure it’s been tough for everyone and I definitely understand your stance around this! I definitely encourage you to stay strong until you feel it’s best to see her again. In the mean time, do you think maybe the children and your mother would like to chat on the phone or have they already? Maybe prepare the kiddos for the convo by having them tell a fun story about school that day so they have something to talk to Grandma about. Or 'goodnight' calls before bed until the visit start happening again. I wonder if that would put her to some ease and eliminate the thoughts that this is some sort of revenge.

Good luck with everything, hopefully your Mom can heal up fast so she can see her grandbabies soon! :)

You know your kids best and if you feel it would not be good for them, stick to your guns! Let your mom know that as soon as she is well enough that you will bring the kids for a visit. Have the kids write her a letter or make a short video of the kids saying hi and telling grandma all about their day and some fun stuff they have been up to since she has been recovering. Gook luck.

I think honesty is always best, especially when your children are a little older - yours are old enough to understand, just prepare them for the fact the grandmas face is a little beat up, they will probably be fascinated and want to ask all sorts of questions - you never know it may spark a plastic surgery career!

I think your mom is being a big baby and selfish.

However, like another post said, they may find the bruising and swelling intriguing! They are old enough, that I would tell them the truth - grandma had some things done to her face, and her face is still a bit puffy - but she'd really like to see you. If the kids agree to go over, it should be with everyone agreeing that if they decide that they change their minds after getting there, its okay to leave.

M.

At 7 and 10 your kids are old enough to understand about the surgery and it's affects including bruises and swelling. It is not good to "protect" your children from life. It is much better to help them learn how to deal with both the unpleasant and pleasant facets of events. The need to know the cause and effect of actions.

They saw Grandma before surgery. If they don't see her until after she's healed, they will not have experienced the painful process Grandma went thru to get this new face. Kids need to be aware of and experience all of life and not just the pleasant. They need to learn about all of the consequences of our choices.

And even more importantly they need to feel comfortable with people, especially those they love, in whatever state they are in. We don't only love those who are beautiful. We also love those who are in pain, disfigured, or dying. When we stay away from the painful we are abandoning the loved one.

Is it possible that you do have some negative feelings about your mother's choice to have plastic surgery especially in light of the damage to her face at this time? It does sound like anger when you stay away from her and keep your children away from her. Life is what it is. She is your mother, you love her and she needs your support now even tho she chose to do this to her self.