My Kid Gets Along with Everyone Except...

Hockey:

it doesn't sound like your son is at fault. It sounds like this other child is on the road to future problems....testing what he can and cannot get away with - what might be ruled as an accident...

Yes, you need to teach your son to deal with situations and people. However, there are some times he has to learn to walk away. He may have to learn to walk away from this kid. he can tell him the truth.

Questionable kid: Hey John - let's ride bikes!
Your son: Look Jack - thanks - but no thanks.
Questionable kid: Why not? You are outside. Let's play.
Your son: "your idea of play and my idea of play aren't the same. I don't want to play with you."

It's the truth. He does NOT have to be friends with EVERYONE. So let him make that decision - remind him of what happens when he plays with the questionable kid! and what he said.....why put himself through it time and time again? It's like the old saying - "trying something again and again expecting different results..." there are times when people won't change.

Show your son it's OKAY to stand up for himself!!

YOU GO MAMA!!!

I like what Wild Woman suggested. I would even encourage your son to give the other boy concrete feedback: "Every time we ride bikes, I get hurt because you bump into me." or "I don't like riding with you-- you aren't safe when you ride and I end up falling off." If he learns to state the problem specifically, this will be very helpful for both of them. The other kid can choose to modify his behavior or not, but there's good information there.

And yes, they don't have to play together just because they are neighbors. And if the parents comment and just aren't 'getting it', be clear with them: "Clancy doesn't want to play with Bobby because Bobby isn't always safe and Clancy is tired of getting hurt by him. Hard times, huh?" and let it go.

You might have to talk to your son about friends. Do real friends do x and y? No. So he's not your real friend. He hurts you. He cannot be trusted to be nice to you. No, I do not want him here and do not want you playing with him.

We have rarely put the kabosh on a friendship, but we have also put down strict limits if the kid was bad. Like the kid who stole from SS who was no longer allowed in our home, ever. Period. Or the girl who showed 11 yr old SD and her friends an inappropriate chat room. She was no longer allowed to come play and if SD did hang out with her, it was backyard only. Both of those friendships faded, even though the kids were neighbors/in their school.

Is the neighbor kid just accident prone or is he actually aggressive? That might make a difference to how you handle this, but honestly I agree with Wild Woman, your son doesn't have to be friends with everyone, and he needs to learn how to politely decline this boy. If polite doesn't work, then he needs to be assertive. If that doesn't work you may need to get involved.

We have a similar problem with a neighbor kid...nothing physical but probably the "girl equivalent"...just mean, catty, etc. She lives across the street and my dd shed too many tears and lost too many nights sleep over her.

I finally told my dd she couldn't play with her anymore. If they happen to be at the neighborhood park at the same time, so be it, but no more inviting her over. If they see each other outside, they can say hi, but she can't invite her over.

I don't want to bring it up with the mother...too much neighborhood drama for that. Eventually, she'll get the picture...she's already mentioned that they don't see my dd very much anymore and I just said..."oh we've been really busy".

I know the other mother witnessed some of her daughter's behavior, so now it's up to her to teach her daughter how to behave. She doesn't have very many friends and she just lost another one.

work with your son on a few phrases to use, and have him use them until the issue goes away (and it will.)
'sorry, i don't feel like riding bikes with you today.'
'i'm actually busy with something else right now.'
'sounds like fun, but no thanks.'
after enough polite declines, the other kid will find somewhere else to be.
this is a great opportunity for your kid to learn both assertiveness and courtesy, all in one fell swoop.
the main thing is for your kid not to open the door to more opportunities for the other boy to muscle back in.
if there's a group playing, he just needs to keep his distance from that particular kid.
don't stress too much, mama. i know it's hard when you're in the middle of this, but this is the sort of challenge our kids SHOULD encounter and learn about as kids. it's part of growing up. be watchful but keep a very light hand on it, and let him figure it out.
khairete
S.

Yes I have lots of thoughts. We used to live next door to a family just like that, only there were 3 boys. Only they were worse than you are explaining. My advice to you is to stay away from them. Tell your son he can play with them when you are outside, and just try to be as nice as you can to them without getting in their face. I don't see how old your son is, but I'm sure he will get the picture when he is a little older. In the meantime you will just have to monitor them a lot.

It sounds like your son feels physically unsafe when the kid is around. If this is the case, your son is actually trying hard to tell you this, though the way he is saying it doesn't come out right.

I would not make your son play with this boy. The kid doesn't know his personal boundaries and probably has trouble with impulse control.

If the parents ask why you aren't allowing the boy to come over, just tell them you are sorry but your son keeps getting hurt when they play together and it is too stressful for him. He's had 2 ER visits already and he doesn't want anymore. Neither do you.

Perhaps the parents will realize that there is an issue and address it with their ped. The boy probably needs an OT, or at least glasses...

We had an issue come up with a neighbor...it was different in some ways...but the point was that my son no longer wanted to play with our next door neighbor, and we supported him. We talked about what he liked and did not like about the boy. We asked whether he thought that was how a friend should act. He was in kindergarten, and was old enough to understand that friends don't ALWAYS act nice (the girl on the other side was/is bossy and a little manipulative, but she's an oldest with younger sibs, and really not a bad sort) but that he doesn't, either--BUT that kids that make you feel bad more often than you have fun with them are NOT your friends. I encouraged him to speak up and tell the kid he did not wish to play, but that if he needed backup, I was there to help him and he could just come find me. Perhaps your neighborhood is like ours was; kids ride bikes in the street together after school. In that case, I became Helicopter Mom. Turns out the kid really lacked direction at home, and when I was out there "catching" him at his bad behavior, he shaped up pretty quickly. When he didn't, he was sent home, or encouraged to go away from where my kid and the other neighbors were playing. Now that a few years have passed, and the troublesome kid has been in school a few years, he's really a pretty decent kid. I think he just needed some direction. We always felt bad, because we knew our family (and our other neighbor's family) were probably good for him, but I just was not ok with him bullying my kid--and my kid wasn't ok with it either. Learning to be a discriminating friend who could also be NICE to a kid he didn't like was a skill my son had to learn early, and wow, does it make a difference for him; he gets that he gets to choose his friends, and that they need to accept him for who he is.

wow..really? you need to ask? this kid has inflicted pain on your child? you have to put away bats etc when he comes over? maybe im less tolerant but i wouldve put an end to it long ago-neighbor or not...sounds like bullying to me..have a chat with the kid-tell him if theres anymore "accidents-or problems" hes no longer welcome....your the mom..protect your child..

We had a very similar situation with a neighbor child several years ago. My son was "rescued" on a few occassions from injury by observant neighbors and was injured by this boy on the bus. We ultimately had to take a break from playing with him and establish some rules/guidelines. His parents were very defensive about his behavior and although I tried to talk to them about it nicely they became very upset and we were estranged for a while. We have since repaired the neighborly relationship, but our boys don't really hang out together any longer.

In our case the boy also had serious problems at school and the parents were in denial. It took the school an entire year and several suspensions to convince the parents to have him evaluated. He was ultimately diagnosed with something, I don't know what, and transferred to a school that had a special program to address his needs. He is now mainstreamed at my son's school and doing much better, but they no longer desire to spend time together. Perhaps your neighbor boy also needs help, but the parents are in denial.

Sounds like you are on the right track and the kids need a break and you need some rules regarding this child. Oh, if they attend the same school or ride the bus together and there are incidents at the bus stop, on the bus, etc. you can express your concerns to school district if necessary. I did that because of the injury on the bus. It was fairly significant and could have been serious. We were lucky it wasn't worse. Good luck!