My Independent Toddler - Help!

Think of it this way: A very valuable part of his maturity and exploration INCLUDES things that are NOT allowed and learning that you ARE in charge. You are in charge, arent' you? Why keep it a secret? Many people take the "let them explore and learn" thing to the extreme that makes it sound like you can't direct your child when you need to.

He can play dress up all day long if he wants, but when you need to throw some clothes on him or help him, he needs to learn not to throw a fit or resist. It's also a great age to teach "no" to mom and dad is not OK before he starts to dictate the household (believe it, it happens).

He can carry and balance and hold things all day long, but when he has something you don't want to be spilled, he needs to let you take it away and not throw a fit (or whatever he's doing that's leading you to believe you can't take the stuff away).

He can have fun choices all day long, but when it's time for bed, it's time for bed and/or other things you decide are "just life and he needs to learn it".

Don't teach him at this tender young age that he has choices about EVERYTHING, because no one has choices about everything. The sooner he learns that, the easier it will be.

We used early, clear and firm discipline for the precise PURPOSE of allowing our kids early freedom. Now, at 5, 3 and 2, we never have to hover, and hardly ever have to battle. They listen when they need to, and we give them tons of freedom in exchange knowing they behave well and are confident and secure. Do not fall into the trap of believing, "If I ever step in and take charge I am squashing him" Au Contraire! You're giving him boundaries, knowledge and strength! If you DON'T step in and be in charge, he'll need you to ride him much harder later. This is the perfect age to stave off terrible twos if you're firm, and let him EARN his increased freedom as he learns thereafter rather than having to get firmer as his behavior gets worse.

awww, what a great personality! Try to give him choices as much as possible so he feels more in charge of more things(put out two outfits and let him choose, blue cup or red? red toothbrush or yelllow? sit next to Daddy or Mommy? overload him with choices so he loses the feeling of being powerless. carry a sippy cup in the car and pour some drink in his own cup, I liked the take and toss cups. buy some Snack Traps (non spillable) to put his snacks in. How great he's not going to be a helpless one!

I would set limits. Say let him try and put his clothes on for five or ten minutes and then say "great try, good helping" all while maneuvering his writhing body into the clothes :-).

It might be help to pick and choose your battles regarding messy things. A few crackers on the floor every now and then is not really a big deal. Liquids, however, I'd stand my ground, save for water. Maybe explain why he can't hold the things. He might understand more than you think :-). I call it selective listening. Some never outgrow it :-)

By taking control when it's necessary you are not squashing his independence. You're teaching boundaries.

It isn't an easy age, but it does get better around 23 months. Whatever you do, don't give in to the tantrums. Just walk way and ignore it. When they realize there is no audience, they quickly change their mind ;-)

Try the happiest baby on the block book/video. It has concrete tips on this.

Kids are fun, huh? :) As far as the clothes thing, what worked for us was coming to a "compromise." when we're not in a rush, she can take time putting on her own clothes. When we're pressed for time, we usually take the "ok, you put this on (something easy) while mommy/daddy will put this on you. Basically, distract him with something he CAN do while you do the stuff that takes a long time.

The other thing that worked with us was telling her she couldn't do/have XYZ until the said article of clothing was on. Usually that was enough enticement for her to "let" us help her with it.

As for as him wanting to hold things himself, can you just give him "toddler friendly" items? My daughter always had "her" cup/bowl/etc to hold. Sippy cups and snack bowls with lids generally contain most of the mess.