My Husband Is Mad at Me and I Feel Horrible, Advice Please!

I might be upset over the invasion of privacy... as for his being upset at something you wrote PRIOR to being married, let alone broken up.. That sounds childlike to me....something teens might fight over...

You know you wouldn't like to know all the things that go on inside his head. You should remind him of that. These are your private thoughts that were not meant to be shared. It's the thoughts you acted on that made you a couple today. Passing feelings and thoughts are just that, passing.

It is what it is......all you can do is say" I'm sorry you read something that meant something to me years ago and think that is how I feel now. I love you here, today and we survived whatever we were going through and that is all that matters." Give that a try because really, that is all you can really do, he has to get over it, it was years ago during a bad time in your relationship.

He read something he had no business reading, AND lied to your face about it. I don't feel sorry for him. If you feel it necessary to apologize (I wouldn't. I don't apologize for the past, and I certainly don't apologize from someones...your husband's... bad judgement.) just tell him that it was a different time. You were lashing out in your journal so as not to hurt him. You don't feel that way now, and it was a different time and place. Honestly though, this is ALL HIS fault. You don't owe him an apology for your PAST feelings, and PRIVATE feelings. He owes YOU and apology for snooping and breaching your privacy.

You play with fire and you get burned. He did, and you are not responsible for it.

"You know, we were going through a rough time. I wrote those things in anger, and really--my journals are meant to process my thoughts. They were never meant for you to see and I'm so sorry you read them."

C., I have journals going back to high school. Not because I go through them, but because they were a part of my life. My husband is mature enough to know--be careful what you snoop into.

Is it snooping if you are married? Not necessarily-- but when something hasn't been placed in your hands with a 'read this, please'-- people pretty much *know* that what they might find is a grab bag-- and they may not like what they get. l recently found an old box of my husband's --found some wedding pictures from when he and his ex were married.

Was I pissed? No. I didn't expect him to burn them. They were a part of his life. Were he to go through my journals and find accounts of my old lovers, ex-husband, etc. I'd likely tell him "well, honey, you were looking-- what did you expect to find?"

Here's the thing-- we weren't all born yesterday. You can tell him what I suggested- you were not dating at the time, you were frustrated/mad at him-- whatever happened, happened. That said, there's some responsibility which lies with the person who decides to read what they have not been invited to read. Some people will say that everything is up for grabs when you are married, but journals are NOT. this isn't the same as an open email or Facebook account. Snooping is snooping. The fact that your husband lied about reading them suggests that he *knew* there was something in there he shouldn't see....but he looked anyway.

Couples who trust each other don't read each others journals. They trust the other enough to know that there needs to be some sacred, private place they can put their thoughts down. If there's no room in the relationship for private thought--that's extremely unhealthy.

So, chalk it up to my first paragraph-- it was what it was during a bad time in the relationship. Things are (hopefully?obviously?) better because you did marry him and you wouldn't marry a jerk. Let him know that he can ask you questions if he needs to, but that you consider the past in the past and you love him just for being who he is, here and now.

He read your journals and thinks he has the right to be mad at you? Talk about an invasion of privacy. You shouldn't feel guilty. You should feel angry. He owes you an apology. He feels angry about what he read? This is why we do not read other people's journals of their private thoughts. Some things are not meant to be shared. Shame on him. I couldn't be married to a man who would do that.

I think that you could act mad back because he read YOUR journals from a time you weren't married, but quite frankly, I am of the belief that husbands and wives don't have guarantee of privacy between each other.

Stop feeling sad that you said what you did in your journals. If you had not felt the way you did when you two were broken up, you wouldn't have written it. You married him anyway. He should be glad.

And don't apologize for writing it either. He doesn't get this kind of HOLD over you. If he didn't want to know what you thought, he should have had some self-control and not read them. He didn't HAVE to read them, you know. He knew these were private writings and read them anyway.

Dawn

I guess the bigger question is, why would he even look at your purse, let alone open it up and go through it? Why would a man even NOTICE a new purse? I can't imagine my husband having ANY interest in my purse, it would be like him coming in and saying oh, are those new shoes? let me try them on.
Sounds like there are deeper issues here...

First off, swallow your pride and talk to him, explain to him what you just told us. Then, after all that is settled, have a talk with him about respecting your right to privacy.

I keep a journal now. I have left it lying open on my desk before. I never hide it. My husband would never, ever violate my privacy that way, so I don't see any need to hide it.

It seems to me like your husband has a lot more to apologize for than you do.

Well, that's his own damn fault for reading them.
You can't apologize for things that you said when you guys were not together. He doesn't like what he read? He shouldn't have read them!
I did some pretty wild things before my husband and I got together. There was videotape evidence that I thought I did not have, but did. Husband found it, watched it, and called off the wedding.
I wasn't with him! I think it took him a while to come around to the fact that I wasn't his girlfriend or wife at the time...in fact he didn't know me when I made the video! He got over it and we have been married for 10 years.
Point is....you guys weren't together. If he wants to hang onto it and be a big cry baby then he can. But the past is the past. There is nothing you can do to change it, and you were MAD and had every right to express that.
If he can't get over that it's on him...not you.
L.

As everyone said, you did nothing wrong here. Tell him you love him and are glad you two got through such a hard time. You know if he wants to talk about it, fine, why not? In the end maybe you will both learn more about each other. He should apologize though, he did invade the privacy
Of your own thoughts, that wasn't too cool. Think you may just have to give him some time, he was wrong and now his pride is hurt, he will have to get past it, you are not in the wrong here. Once my hubby let it slip that when he saw me in my wedding dress he didn't think it was all that flattering. He just let it slip. Oh my, I was hurt! But you know what, I can't control the man's private thoughts. We got married, we are happy, I just had to get past it, I pouted for a bit, but life is too short! Hopefully your hubby will realize how stupid it is to penalize you for your private thoughts! Just love him through it :)

If he's mad that he snooped and didn't like something from when you were not even together it's his own darn fault.
You have no appeasing to do and nothing to be sorry for.
I'm sure during that same 6 months he was doing his own thing with no regard for you at that point either.
You were apart, you both grew as individuals, and then afterward you both could see that you were meant for each other and got together again and the romance matured and blossomed.
Geez - you've got your whole lives in front of you and when you get to your 20th anniversary this won't even be remembered as even the slightest bump in the road.
He shouldn't be mad (HE should apologize for being upset over his own actions) and you shouldn't be sad or apologetic.

I would go to him, tell him you love him and that you feel he may have read your journals.

Tell him that this was a time that you were apart & you were just trying to get your feelings under control.

Tell him you are beyond happy at the way your life has turned out. That
you consider yourself lucky and loved.

Then give him some space to process this information. Leave him be a bit.

Think positively that this will all work out & blow over.

Maybe stick a note in his lunch tomorrow w/o him knowing that just says you love him.

C.,
Your husband has some responsibility in this. When seeing this was a journal he certainly should have closed it and asked your permission. Do you know the old saying Curiosity killed the cat?

I understand why you feel bad, but you did nothing wrong. Your husband was not truthful when you asked him if he had read the journals. That was wrong. You are being forgiving of him and that is good, but you are certainly entitled to your feelings and thoughts and should not be put in a position to feel guilty about them when you never even shared them in the first place.

All that said, your husbands feelings are still hurt and that has to be dealt with. You cannot make him communicate, but you can express your feelings. Let him know you intellectually know you did nothing wrong, etc... but that you feel terrible because you love him and love ----------- about him, and do not feel the way you did at the time you wrote those things and in fact were trashing them and you although you know you can't stop him from feeling bad you are sorry about what happened. Then let him be responsible for his own feelings.

In my house the men tend to let things go way before the women (me). So my best bet is that this too shall pass.

I hope so. And if you can't say these things..... write him a letter. A journal of sorts, he can keep!

I can relate as this happened with my husband and myself. About 15 years ago we were moving and he found them in a box and read them. I was horrified. We had been married about 3 years at this point, and had a hard time early on. I said some mean things about him in there, just venting, and really went off on his family and everything- it was bad. It of course made me feel badly for writing these things in the first place. But then I realized a couple of things- first, I was venting, and just like venting out loud, you tend to 'blow up' to get out the feelings, and then come back down. Probably hard for him to understand if the words were harsh. but second. I realized he should be the one apologizing, it was my diary and he had no business reading it. I felt completely violated.

We had some major talks about everything, me trying to explain that the harsh words were venting and just my process of working things through. And that maybe there were a few things that we needed to still work on that I hadn't been ready to talk about but now that the cat was out of the bag, we could do so. The reality was that I WAS angry at him, but we worked it out. So I was sorry if he felt I wasn't sharing my feelings, but we can talk them through now.

And to your point about him always remembering these things- well, I would say my hubby would bring things up from time to time for maybe a year, but just like so many other things, it fades. This many years later it doesn't even cross our minds, he probably doesn't even remember what he read. I had forgotten about it to until I saw your post.

I think bottom line is that it's unsettling for our guys to realize that we have thoughts and feelings that they don't know about. This makes us unpredictable and makes them feel out of control if/when they thing everything is fine. Talk to him about it when you feel like it, ask if he has any questions or anything he needs to talk about (and vice versa). You may owe him an apology if your words hurt him, but NOT for writing it. But I believe he owes you an apology for reading these, not cool.

Good luck- this too shall pass.

I'm really sorry that your husband is acting like an adolescent right now.

Sit him down and let him know that you are aware that he read your old journals and give him ONE chance to express his thoughts regarding what he read. If he elects to tell you how he's feeling, then address each thing as he goes. Don't apologize for writing down your thoughts... they were your feelings "at the time" and were never meant for his ears or eyes. You can, however, apologize for the fact that he is hurt by the fact that he has now come across words that were not actually meant for him.

If he elects not to open up, then let him know very clearly that he is NOT to bring anything up again that he read because you chose wrote something to YOURSELF in anger rather than choosing to say something TO HIM that you could not take back at that moment. If he brings it up again, just walk away from him for a while.

Perhaps sitting down while watching TV or something put the TV on mute and turn to him. Tell him that you love him and are so grateful to be married to him. That he means the world to you and blah blah blah......make sure he understands that when you committed to him during your wedding you knew that you had worked through a lot of issues that had happened during a break you guys had and that now you could not be happier that he's your husband.

Build up his ego a bit and in a round about way just let him know that you love him deeply.

Welcome to mamapedia, C.!

I would be more upset that he lied to me.

he's mad because it was the truth spoken in anger, hurt or whatever it was you were feeling at the time. Things you did NOT say to him. You were NOT married, and even if you were? It's an invasion of privacy...yeah...I know married couples aren't supposed to have secrets....get that...but my husband, even after almost 16 years won't read my "stuff" - just like I won't read his stuff.

Tell him to get over it. You did. You married him.

a conversation is essential at this point. you DO have to address this, but you certainly don't owe him an apology. a) if someone snoops they generally find out things they don't want to know and b) your private journals are a place where you recorded thoughts that were accurate and valid at that point in time. you're not there any more, but that doesn't mean your feelings were somehow 'wrong' then.
journals are MEANT to be there for us to process our feelings through writing. if you have to censor your journal because someone might snoop in the future, there's no point in writing them.
(which reminds me, it's probably time to ceremonially burn my teenage ones lest my kids find 'em when i'm gone!)
you guys need to get this out into the open.
khairete
S.

Okay, I understand feeling sorry that your husband is hurting. When we love someone we don't like to see them hurt. However, don't feel sorry because two years ago when you were broken up you wrote some unflattering things about him in your private journal that, at the time, you probably meant.

If it were me, I would go to my husband and say that I was pretty sure he had read my journal, I wan't angry with him, but I would like him to talk to me about his feelings about what he read. Then leave it there.

If he tells you how he is feeling, then be patient. You thought these things 2 years ago. He found out about it 2 hours ago. Talk it through and if he stays mad, allow him his feelings.

This, too, shall pass.

Tell him those are old and you don't feel that way now and you feel horrible. Be sincere and very very very sorry. Let him be upset for a bit. Yes he shouldn't have read them, but he did and he's hurt so just let him know you care if you want this to blow over. If it goes on too long though remind him nicely he should not have read them and you can only apologize so many times. I'm thinking that unless he read some steamy sex adventures with another man he won't be upset for long. And if he did, well....you weren't married yet and he shouldn't have read them. So. Be patient but hold your ground and don't let him beat you up for too long. But don't come right out of the gate blaming him for wrongdoing-show sympathy-it shows you care for his feelings and will get him back on your side faster if he knows you feel bad.

I would sit down with him and hand him the journals and looking him straight in the eye tell him "I wrote these over 2 years ago when we were just dating and going through a period of a 6 month break up. We were broken up, not married yet for 6 months and I know I wrote some not so nice things in there. "
Then you either tell him you WANT him to read them, because you are married now and you shouldn't keep secrets from or lie to your life partner, maybe these diaries would help him to understand you better, to understand what you went through - but that there are some mean and nasty things written down. OR you tell him you would prefer to keep them private, because they were written at a time when you were trying to work things out and there would be things in them that would be hurtful to read in them.
His lying to you was probably a knee jerk reaction, but your taking the bull gently and lovingly by the horns and handing over the journals and telling him what is in them (your reactions to a bad time in your relationship) should hopefully show him that you trust him, and you don't want to keep secrets or lie about stuff. Do all of this with all the love and tenderness you can muster, don't accuse, share.
Good luck!