My Husband Hates My Family. What Can I Do?

Sorry, but there has GOT to be a whole lot more to this by way of background than just "my husband hates my family"... as if he has no reasons for his feelings whatsoever, he just randomly decided to hate them...

No way I could possibly know how to get him to go with you. Nor would I try, without knowing the lay of the land better than what you provided here.

Maybe he has valid reasons for refusing to go? We can't tell without more information.

If he doesn't want to go, then go without him. I think you'll have a much better time if you don't have to run interference the whole time. And he'll be happier at home. Stop trying to force it.

I find it hard to believe that you didn't know of his feelings before you married? Or is this a new thing? Has your family wronged him in some way?
I gave up trying to get my husband to do things because i want him to. He doesn't. So I go without him. I have a lovely time and then when I come home my husband and I cuddle and head off to bed. ;)
Everyone is happy. I just had to let go of my feelings of what he "should" be doing.

You can't make him go. One of my son in laws doesn't always come to our family stuff. My daughter and grandchildren come. We consider him part of our family but he doesn't always consider us his family.

So always make sure your family invites him and let him know that they missed seeing him. But by all means attend family events even if he doesn't go.

I went to one of my family events last night without my DH. He does not like the people that are there...it is very extended family that we got through a new marriage. They have only been in our lives less than a decade and he just cannot stand their entitled attitudes.

Do I wish he had gone with me...yes. But it just wasn't worth it to me to stress him out to "make" him go.

Today we are going to see a different part of my family and he can't wait to go he loves them and likes spending time with them.

I used to push him until he would go to stuff and the fall out was never worth the trouble.

The WHY matters in this case. Two examples:

If your husband doesn't like your family because he wants all the focus on himself or his family, then you're handling things as well as you can at the moment. Long term, this is a marital problem that needs to be fixed.

If your family is obnoxious and rude to him, or if they have values that he finds abhorrent, then you might need to consider that he has the right idea and that you should be standing up to them as a team.

since you married a man who isn't family-oriented and isn't interested in becoming one, you stop trying to change him and go enjoy thanksgiving without him.
i guess you could nag him into going, hating it, and being an asshat to your family. wouldn't be my choice, but having chosen him, you're now limited in useful coping strategies.
khairete
S.

My husband has had enough of my Mom.
Interactions have NOT gone well over the years.
I understand and don't get upset if they don't see each other.
They pretty much are exactly alike and I love them both but they just are never going to see each other ever again - and it doesn't bother me.
It's really for the best and I visit my Mom with our son when we can (she lives 12 hrs away by car).
Some people are like oil and water and it's a mistake to try to push them together.
Just let this go and accept that you can love them both but they are never going to get together - and that's alright.

That's sad for sure, but clearly you knew how he felt about your family when you were dating, and then when you married? Did you think he would suddenly love them over time or what?

You both should take a minute to hear each other's feelings. Why does he feel that way about your family? Is there anything that you could do that would make him want to be there? (For example, if he disagrees with your parents' politics, you could maybe talk to your parents before Saturday about not discussing politics at dinner.)

After you hear all of his thoughts and reasons, you can decide if there is a way that you want to try to "fix" the situation. But, as posts below say, ultimately you should focus on your own time with your family and try to not get too wrapped up in stress over wanting him to be there.

I guess it would depend. If they did something really awful to him and his feelings were 'justified' then I wouldn't mind him staying home. However, if it's just because they are annoying and not his 'type' of people, then I would say he needs to suck it up and deal with it. You wouldn't have to hang out all day and night but it would be the right thing to do. All of us have people in our lives that we aren't thrilled with but we still have to be around them and make the best of it. JMO. Good luck.

You don't state why your husband hates your family. So going on the fact that he just doesn't want to go, you have to respect that.

My husband loves my family. He doesn't care for his own family as much. It's hard for me to care for his family when even he doesn't. We went to counseling early in our marriage, and the therapist told us that my husband looks after his family, me my own. So it's ok for me to skip the odd visit - which I do. I don't go every time. He's ok with that.

The thing is, you should come to an agreement together as a couple. Maybe do your own Thanksgiving dinner instead? That's what we do. We see family another day during holidays. Works for us. Or you go, just don't make a big deal of it.

I'm thinking there is more about this. Sometimes husbands don't want to go to see family because they want to watch the game and have a beer and the family are teetotalers and they like to read poetry. Another family might drudge up every negative event from the past, the 'one' relative with the foul mouth is always there, or it is stressful because no matter what is said it isn't quite as good as your boyfriend in tenth grade was. Families have memories which don't always include husband or wife ...the outsider. I am always grateful to my husband when he comes to my family events but he is quiet and looks pained. I go to his family events and his family speak two languages. English and Spanish. I am versatile enough to understand but I don't get the jokes sometimes still. As much as I love them and I really do, I am grateful at home. I recommend you find out why your husband doesn't like going to your family, sometimes the way children or pets are disciplined annoy people. Some children are permitted to fly through the house and throw balls in side and others must sit properly. Whiney dogs might be brought along. While others bark outside. Who knows? Finding out the new reason might be worth it and if it is too painful for him go without out him and plan another time for just you. Or tell him to bring along a book or something. And if you are always with your family for instance perhaps you might make room to go for his relatives. Or use that as a negotiator if it is the other way around.

Why do you want him to go with you if he hates your family? Sounds like if he did, it would be awkward at best, and could be a lot worse. Just go by yourself and enjoy your own family. Stop trying to to make him go. You don't have to do everything together just because you are married.

I am sure you will have a much better time if you leave him at home and make an excuse for him. If you make him come with you I am sure he will just be miserable and make everyone feel uncomfortable. Not knowing why your husband hates your family I am unable to offer any suggestions on how to change that situation.

M.,

Welcome to mamapedia!! There are many things we do NOT know about you and your situation - so it's VERY hard to answer such a VAGUE question. I would like to know:

WHY does he hate your family?
WHY does he NOT want to go?
HOW long have you been married?
HOW does YOUR family treat him?

We don't go to my husband's sister's house in Boston. Why? Because she's rude to me and my husband, nor I will stand for it. Unfortunately, it stems from something very petty. Their mom gave me her "secret ingredient" for her Waldorf salad. yeah..over that. it's pretty lame.

Can't give you much advice if I don't know the WHY's behind it.

Good luck!

More info please.

Did he hate your family prior to you getting married? Why did you get married if you knew this is the way he felt? Every holiday is going to be a struggle.

My answer depends on why he hates them. Are his reasons valid?

Under the circumstances I would go without him but if your husband doesn't have a good reason to "hate" them then this would bother me and I think your husband should put on a happy face and go out of love and respect for you.

I love my inlaws. I miss my mother in law nearly every day in some way. I hate when people can't get along with their in laws. They raised their children to be the adult we love. Seems sad we can't look past the "role" they play in our lives. If they were your neighbor, would you enjoy chatting with them over the fence? Would you be friendly with them? Why does it matter if they have the label of "in law", how does it make a difference?

Anyway, you have to decide what outcome you want.

Do you want to sit through a situation where your husband could absolutely go ballistic and rude and hateful at any moment or act like a hiney because you forced him to go?

Do you want to go to your family get together and take your kids and enjoy your day?

I would hate to force someone to go and then risk them letting out all their anger towards my family at any given provocation whether it as on purpose or some imagined slight. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day at all.

If you can barter with him and work out a compromise that might make it a better day.

If the tables were turned, how would you feel being forced to have dinner with his family? Why does he hate them?