My Good Kid Turns into a Stinker When Out in Public! Help!

Would it be possible for you to get a babysitter and go without him? That way when he cries at the door, you can say, "well, I would take you, but you don't behave in public so I can't trust you to behave" etc. That's sort of a love and logic approach whereby he learns that you'll go without him unless he behaves. I know, though, it's hard to get a babysitter every time you go out - I'm also a SAHM and need to run errands or just need to get out sometimes and getting a babysitter every time would be impossible, but perhaps he'd get the message after the first few times...

I have always just kept my kids buckled until another one came along and they got demoted :) You don't mention if you have other children in the stroller/basket. My recommendation is that you bring something that you can buckle (cart or stroller) and you let him know that he can get out (at certain times, like in the dressing room) but if he (set the rules) for instance:

1. Don't yell.
2. Don't hide.
3. Don't run away.

You tell him that if he breaks the rule he has to be buckled (he's 2 1/2 he can understand this sequence of consequence). So if he does one of these things, you give him one calm warning (or skip the warning since you just went over the rules - your choice) and if he breaks it again, he gets buckled. Usually freedom is enough of a motivator for it to work (I have 3 boys myself :) And yes, he will scream and cry when you buckle him. At first. You basically ignore it. If it goes on too long and you feel like you need to leave to not disturb people, take him out to the car and buckle him in his car seat and tell him that we can try again when he is calm. When he calms down, you can tell him that he's going to be buckled. If he is quiet and happy, he can get out again in a few minutes and try the rules again. Etc etc.

I don't know your child's temperament (how bad tantrums are, etc), but this type of action -->consequence seems to work for me and my boys.

One thing I would avoid is - "Johnny, if you'll be quiet I'll give you this candy bar." That encourages bad behavior. However, saying at the beginning of the shopping trip - if you follow all the rules, we'll be able to have time to go to the park after we shop - that is a reward/motivation and not a bribe (the difference matters). :)

Good luck!

I know it is more terrifying than funny at the moment, but I have to laugh because i've been there although my son ran under the bathroom door and I heard the outside door slam before I had things in a position that I could go out and find him. I learned to go the bathroom while keeping a firm grasp on him.

This didn't work for me, but I thought it was a good suggestion. Get a friend that your son is not that familiar with to tag team you at a store. When he runs away from your or doesn't come when you call - you tell him you are leaving he needs to come to you now and if he doesn't, you go on with your business and let your friend follow him and keep him out of trouble. Because you are right, you have to follow and then run after him and it does become a very fun game for one of you. The idea is that it will be intimidating and scary for him to have you gone and a stranger telling him 'no'. Like I said, it didn't work for my son he didn't care that I was gone, 20 minutes later we regrouped and I looked for more solutions.

If it wasn't for your son doing OK at the grocery store I would recommend having him checked for sensory issues. Sometimes the flourescent lights and noise level of stores is very upsetting to them. For my son, those situations made him act as if he hadn't had enough sleep and was a wild child that he wasn't at home or at daycare.

I agree... it's the age. he'll outgrow this before you know it. What I try to do is avoid shopping trips with my kids whenever possible... or get a babysitter when you go. It's no fun for him, it's no fun for you.

You can also strap him into a stroller or a cart when you are trying on clothes. bring snacks for him to eat to keep him occupied.

He is good at home because he knows everything that is there... at the store, everything is new and exciting, and just inviting him to touch it! I thought my living room was babyproofed pretty well, because my young girls were pretty good with everything within their reach, but when we have friend's kids over, they get into stuff I never have to think about with my girls, because it's new to those kids.

Both of my girls made a big leap in listening and paying attention after they turned 3, and I put them in a class (swimming and gymnastics) by themselves, where they had to listen to a teacher in a group setting.

It is the age. I have 5 kids and believe me you are not the first and won't be the last. Let him know that you want to take him with you but you can't if he act's up. If you have someone that can watch him every once in a while if he does act up and you tell him you can't take him on the next shipping trip? WHat ever you do make sure you follow through with what ever you say the punishment is going to be. But also remember he is 2.

Hi T.,

You've received some solid advice, so I'll just add one thing.

I recently saw a parenting speaker who talked about "teachable moments." Her advice for poor public behavior focused on setting up opportunities to teach children how to behave in certain situations.

She suggested picking a day when you don't actually have scheduled errands to run to teach. Go to the store when you don't need to buy anything. Let him practice being obedient under the threat of leaving the store immediately if he doesn't. When he pushes your buttons, pick him up and leave. He'll know you aren't joking, and you won't be leaving a cart full of groceries behind.

I haven't used this technique in public yet (I still confine my 2 year old to a cart or stroller for most trips), but I have done something similar at home. Following through on a big threat (for us...no stories at bedtime for running away from bedtime routine) once or twice was enough to get her attention.

I also have a friend who uses "sidewalk timeouts" with her son. He has to stand outside the store, restaurant, etc, facing the wall. He knows that everyone passing by can see him being punished, and it's enough to make him listen to his mom most days. Again, practice it on a day when you're not on a schedule.

The last piece of advice I've received that I'll pass on is to make sure your son touches you and makes eye contact with you when you give him instructions. Then have him repeat what you told him. "Yes, Mommy. I will stay next to you." It helps somewhat.

Best wishes!

Hi,

I would like to suggest playing games like spotting certain things you know will be on show in the store you are visiting ( depending what shops you intend to visit make the list appropriate) and giving the child a check list with pictures to check off as you see them, it requires energy but so does running after them! It works on the bus for me both my kids like to play up in a confined space so we spot cars of different colours. I had my 3 year olds ears checked because she never listened to me in public but she was just choosing to ignore me.I think engagement is the key whether its "not stepping on the cracks as you walk" , making a game out of everything you can to avoid them making their own mischievous fun! I must say I did keep my child in the stroller until she was nearly three because she ran off or couldn't be bothered to walk after a short period so maybe that helped me, she would often read books in the stroller and do drawing with one of those mini etcher sketcher pads, stickers from a dollar shop, or colouring with crayola non staining pens ( no supervision required!). I have also packed one of those aqua drawing mats and pens filled with water and got that out on the floor whilst I tried clothes on in a changing room, it did work!Changing the items you take and making it different is the key. Hope you find something that works for you.

S.

Hey T.,

I was a Nanny for many years, working mostly with toddlers, today I'm a parent coach, focusing on the toddler years.

I found the toddlers in my care went wild when they did not know how to behave. I learned (quickly!), to explain what I expect before entering the stores. We would do it in the car on the way & right before entering. It sounds like he understands the expectations at the store, but Target/ Baby Gap look, feel and sound a lot different, so he doesn't know what to do.

FYI- By using this technique, I was able to take the 2.5 year old in my care into antique shops, and be asked back!!

I told her before we went in to "Look with your eyes and not with your hand"
I showed her to keep here hands clasped in front of her
I asked her to talk to me if she wanted to look at something, then when she did ask, I responded and showed her what she wanted to see, (reenforcing the good behaviro)

It really works.

Additionally, at the Zoo, toddler's attention spans are short, so bring a stroller and try games like I Spy. Again, state your expectations clearly and enforce them each time.

Good Luck!

R. Magby

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I feel your pain. My kids went through this as well. No real suggestions, but it does get easier! I also noticed that I skipped the mall and shopping and saved a ton. If I did need to shop I shopped with a friend or Grandma, so I could actually look around without worrying about the hiding, running, climbing, bored children near me. In your case it sounds like he needs to be removed from the situation and the "fun". Hang in there. I'm a couple of years down the road and was just realizing how much easier it is when I was at Whole Foods today with my 4 year old. He was the one concerned with where Mom was and he helped me shop. Perhaps your little one needs something to be in charge of during your outing, or maybe he needs lots of snacks. haha.

I too agree that it's probably his age. However and please don't get offended by this, do you discipline him at home? And does he listen at home? If he does then he could just be excited to be out of the house and want to express his freedom. I only ask because I used to work in an environment with children and parents and you could always tell who was disciplined at home and who was not. The ones who listened to their parents, asked questions as to why they couldn't do something and usually the parents explained things and that would satisfy the kids. But those who didn't discipline their kids were the ones who were crazy out of control, I am not at all saying this is you. For some reason people tend to think that their kids who can do anything at home, and that's fine for them because it's at home, will magically be angels when out and about. I know he's young but it might help to explain to him why he can't run around, how it makes you feel and that if it continues you will have to leave immediately. Kids do understand more than we think and be firm if you say you have to leave then leave. He'll learn that if he wants to go somewhere then he has to behave.

In some ways, it's just the nature of his age which is good and bad both. It stinks now, but he'll outgrow it in time.

One simple suggestion is to not use the fitting room. It's a pain to have to buy and then return, but that's what I've found to be most effective. My 2.5 year old can handle the time it takes me to pick things out but also has trouble if I want to try anything on. I just try to shop places that are at least somewhat on my normal routes-ish anyway so that if I have to do returns, I'm likely to drive by there again within one month.

I have a 2 year old also so I totally get this! I have found that It is really important to treat them the same way in public as you would at home. They pick up on what they can get away with in circumstances really fast. If you do time outs at home - do time outs in public. Eventhough it means that you will get some looks. Consistency is really the key and following through. Good luck! Hopefully it is just a phase that will pass quickly!

I would most deff use somthing to keep him by you like a leash thing. And use it all the time, i know i cant keep my 2 year old in a stroller any more, but i use a teddy bear leash or cart from store.... and dont feel bad that you have to use something, its better then whats hes doing. you never know who is out there.