Holly Beth inspired me to write this.
I do not have a special needs child, but my son is gay. I realize that there is a huge difference between having a special needs child and having a gay child and I am not trying to diminish the kinds of stress you probably encounter on a daily basis. But your question did get me thinking.
I found out about a year ago. In order to write this here, I changed my profile. He is not completely out, so I wanted to be anonymous for his sake. I am proud of my son, but I know that there are people who will judge him, hate him and perhaps will see him always as less-than, as a sinner. That is the thing about having a child that does not seem to conform to what "normal" is by some agreed upon societal standard....we have to, as mothers, confront the fact that society looks are our children differently, sometimes, oftentimes, negatively. And there is very little we can do about that in most situations. And it can break our hearts.
I have grown up around gay people my whole life. I have many dear friends who are gay. I thought that if I discovered that I had a gay child that I would be completely fine from day one. I wasn't. I was actually terrified because I was so worried about what my child's future would be. Would he be safe? Would he be discriminated against? Would our friends walk away? Will be have a family? I think that parents of special needs kids face those same concerns. All parents worry about their kids' futures, but when your child has real challenges, that worry can be paralyzing.
I do not wish that my son was straight, but I do wish that I could make the world less horrifying for gays and that is how I have made some peace with this. I wish I could eliminate the word “retarded” and “faggot” from the world, but I can’t.
So, Holly Beth, I have learned that I have less anxiety about my son when I consider that my concern isn't about my child being different, or not what I expected. The problem has to do with society viewing those who are different as somehow not having as much worth or value. AS you know, our children have immense value. I do not know if your therapist would agree with this idea, but it has helped me immensely. BTW, you sound like a great mom.
So, for the question: What can be done about the way our world diminishes the worth of certain kinds of people?
Thank you all for your kind words. It means more than you can know. The world is changing, thank God.
Amen sister.
The world is changing as we write, thankfully. And I don't give a da*n about the ignorant opinions of a few idiots.
Luckily, the world is already becoming more accepting.
When I was in grade school, being gay was just wrong. To support it was wrong.
By the time I was in high school, being gay was weird, but more acceptable. Support was more apathetic... An "I don't care" attitude.
Now, being gay is gaining acceptance. I think it will take another generation or two before it is completely normalized, but there are so many straight supporters now. In fact, to NOT support LGBT rights has become the taboo, except for ultra-conservatives or people who think their interpretation of their religion should be forced into others...
There will always be pockets if hate in a society as large and multifaceted as ours... Encourage your son to seek people who will support him, and to let the comments of others just roll off his back. They don't know him for who he is, they just care about labeling him in such a way that they can hate anonymously. Those who actively hate gays just for being gay are simply cowards who can't face the reality that our world does not revolve around THEIR ideals, and that good people exist in different ways. Their hate doesn't deserve harbor in your son's heart. The same goes for most forms of discrimination.
First~
This was a beautiful and straightforwardly honest post. I think many parents can empathize with your journey and your situation. You don't want to change your son, you do want to change the attitudes which cause prejudice and misunderstanding.
As for what can be done? The only clear, strong way to move forward (in my personal opinion) is through loving acceptance of all people. It is not enough to say "you shouldn't judge"-- we must model the patience and tolerance of ALL others we would like to extended to our own children, period. That means not mocking people for being 'less than' in the myriad ways our culture has told us that it is okay to judge. I think we can all agree-- most of us are less than perfect in that regard. We say stupid stuff in front of our kids, make comments, etc. We can also be vocal about what we believe is right, what we believe is *equal* treatment of others who may not fit into our demographic.
I would also say that teaching our children critical thinking skills is just as important. When they make a comment about someone, ask them to think further about the *person* they are putting down. Years ago, in high school, I made a comment to my mom that I hated people who were 'stupid and prejudiced'; she commented that this statement made *me* prejudiced as well. That was an eye opener. :)
Thanks for sharing your story, L.. I hope other parents can see how you are hoping to offer something positive in this post.
Unconditional love is just unconditional. Those who honestly love you and your son will accept him as he is ---- those who claim to love him but judge him or try to change him --- do not really love him.
Don't worry about what may happen take it a day at a time.
I know 3 people who are transgender. If you think gay is difficult....
I am not dimishing your worries but there are so many support groups for LBGT people, help is available. Check online for a support group near you.
Thank you for posting this. Your love pours through in your heartfelt words. ...and you too sound like a wonderful mom!!
The world/people can only diminish you if you allow it, so don't give them that power.
These are you perceptions that you are projecting on the world, that is not fair to your son. If you tell him, by word or actions, the world will hate him then he will see the world as a hateful place. If you send him out with the confidence he will be fine he will be confident.
Don't make your son live your fears because in my experience, they are not founded in reality.
You are in Cali. That's the state with the most gay support groups in the nation.
Bless your heart! I do have a special needs son and someone told me to read "Welcome to Holland" - it's a quick essay written that can be find with a quick search on the internet. It's something that fits my situation and I think it will be inspiring to you as well.
I know the thoughts of "how will my son grow up, what is his future going to be like, etc. etc. etc." I get it that society isn't kind - judgements passed etc. I have grown a thicker skin over the years and I truly feel I've grown as a person.
All I can say to this is what a beautiful post. Your son is so lucky to have a mom like you.
Many Many blessings
I just wanted to lend my support to you and your son. And I hope when my kids are your sons age, I can strive to be as amazing a mom as you are. Your post really touched me.
Best of luck to you and your family.
Beautiful post, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Kudos to you for posting this online. You sound like an amazing mom and please don't for a second beat yourself up about not being completely fine about who your son is from day one. As you said, it's not that you don't accept who he is, it's that your'e currently experiencing a million emotions. You're imagining each moment of his life and going through all the "what if's" that could occur while simultaneously trying to figure out how you can protect him from the often cruel world we live in. I have a child that was born with a difference and I did the same thing... I was petrified, not of my child's difference but of how the world would view my child. The only advice I have is to let yourself experience all of your feelings. Get them out and then get over them. Your son is who he is and he's AWESOME just the way he is. You know it so show the world. The way you view him is the way others will too. So be proud. Best wishes. :)
We can't control how people think. We can't change anything. We can only be the change that we want to see in the world. You might want to join PFLAG if you haven't already (or you may need to wait until he's out so he's comfortable).
I know this is goofy, but just the other night they had a reunion show of the cast from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", which was one of my favorite shows at that time. Those guys broke down some serious barriers - it was one of the funniest most touching shows, because they CARED about the people they helped, and the generally "uptight" straight guys were so moved and their lives were changed in happy ways.
Change happens. It's slow, but it happens. We just have to be strong, and do our best to give our kids the tools to build that strength for themselves. My son is autistic, so I totally know what you mean. The people that assume he is "less than" will be "less" themselves for not getting to know him. Same thing for your son - THEY miss out.
Nothing can be done. It has been this way since the dawn of time. I think it's ingrained into our very beings as a survival mechanism. Luckily, your child is coming into his own in an era that is much more open-arms about gay individuals. Most of the gay people I know are very content, have families, etc.
Great post. :)
I love your post. Thank you for sharing.
And what can be done? Exactly what you're doing here. Any time we feel the desire to discuss things like this, we do it. Continuing to talk about making the world better and how to do it WILL get the job done. The more you know...=)
I think of it in terms of a small family. When that family laughs, jokes and talks about anything and everthing, keeping all lines of communication open, the family likely succeeds. The families who don't talk about anything, sweep all problems under the rug and appear on the outside to have no issues, those tend to be the families with real problems.
So, start with your own family, as you clearly already have. Be the best, most supportive, mom you know how, and then spread that love to the bigger picture, our world. And this is your first step!
Start a blog, join groups about issues you feel passionate about.
And I love Diane's suggestion about questioning the person who is making a generalization about any group, such as gays. Gets 'em every time!
Like Eleanor said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Really chew on that statement for a while. It is so true.
God Bless you!
Each of us needs to dig deep to stop the judgments. A difficult at times seemingly impossible task but I think that is where each of us could contribute to the greater good. As I mentioned on the other post reality brings a deeper fulfillment than fantasy could ever hope to deliver. If we could realize that collectively, then perhaps we would not be so afraid and hence aggressive with different in all of its forms. Also I think valuing ourselves and each other would be immensely helpful. Each of us matters and should treat each other accordingly. Good luck.
Your son is lucky he has such a supportive mom. I think we all need to kindness and compassion towards one another.
