I have a friend/neighbor who has a 7 yo dd (my dd's best friend) and a 4 yo dd. Sometimes while our 7 yo are at school, we get together to have coffee in the morning right after the school bus leaves. Well, her 4 yo is very good at entertaining herself, but when she comes over to my place, she makes such a big mess.
I don't mind her playing with my dd's toys, but after she plays, there are often missing puzzle pieaces, missing marbles, missing game pieaces, and ran-out batteries (because she forgets to turn off things like Lite Brite). She has her own Nintendo DS at her house, and when she is at my place, she wants to play with my dd's DS. The trouble is, she has accidentally deleted stuff that my dd was playing with, and almost lost the stylist, and nearly dropped the DS several times.
Her mom doesn't keep a close eye on her while she plays and I keep having to check on her while she is at my place. I think it is only fair to take turns visiting each other's houses, so I can't always suggest to have coffee at their house. I thought of putting things like DS or games with small pieces to a place where she cannot see, but sometimes we decide to have coffee spur of the moment, so I don't have time to alwys hide things.
How can I politely tell her mom that she cannot play with certain toys, or she is allowed to play with them only if she supervises her?
Thanks for all the input! The little girl I wrote about doesn't go into my DD's room, but in our family room, play room, and basement, we have several shelves with DD's toys. She just takes things out from them and doesn't put them back or isn't very gentle. She is a pretty active girl and isn't interested in drawing and crafts yet. But, she may be interested in play dough or having her own "special box". I will try it next time when we get together. Thanks!
Make this girl her own "OK'd" toy basket/bin. Set it in the middle of the room for her when she comes in.
As you chat with the mom, just say "is she ok in there....?"
Have your daughter set aside some toys that she wouldn't mind this little girl playing with and the next time she comes over tell her "my daughter said you could play with these toys here, but we are not going to get out any other toys and we don't play in her room when she is not here" then sit her in the living room with the toys and let your friend know about the new rules also. She might just assume that it's okay for her daughter to play with everything because you haven't said anything. It's your house- you need to let them know-politely- what the rules are. If her daughter goes into your daughter's room, just take her by the hand and let her know again that your daughter's room is off limits unless your daughter is home and show her where she can play. If your friend doesnt' get the hint after you do that once- be point blank with her and tell her that her daughter is only allowed to play in the living room when your daughter is not home- but be nice(even if you don't feel like it!)
good luck!
~C.
Put those toys away before the girl gets there. When other kids come over here, I bring out a few toys they can play with and leave all the off limit stuff put up.
In the event she like you said it's spur of the moment and you don't have time to hide things, then when the girl picks up something, remind her, turn off the batteries, or gently take it away from her and say, "it's low on batteries, maybe another time."
If the girl pulls out a puzzle or game, take it away from her and say, "not today, it has missing pieces from last time you played with it, so I'd rather not get them out, go play with those blocks or dolls instead."
If the mom gives you a weird look, just tell her what's been going on. If she can't handle it, then she has to sort out her own issues. Before the mom goes, implement a 'clean up' time.
First option is you could say "how about if we have coffee at your place but I will treat? That way your little one has her toys to occupy her." That will allow you to not feel responsible for her toddler.
Second option is to restrict where the toddler can be when at your house without you or her mom in the room. This can also include that electronic or other special toys is off limits...tell her that those are "Susie's special toys and only she can allow others to enjoy those" but be sure there are other options available.
Third option is to be direct with your friend. Tell her that you home is not "toddler proof" and you are not comfortable letting her little one roam unsupervised during your coffee time. Ask if she will restrict the little ones activities while at your house or can you enjoy your coffee together at her house.
Good luck.
something i was raised doing and practice in my family, is if my daughter is not home and a child is there, i will go get toys/coloring books that the visitor is allowed to play with, bring them into the living room where both me and friend are visiting and simply tell the child in front of my friend that so and so's room is off limits since they are not here, i close the door, and if/when the child goes in there, i simply say, i'm sorry honey but her room is off limits, please put down what you have and close the door, if the child does not obey, i will politely take what they are playing with, and walk them out of the room, and close the door. if they are bored with what they are doing, i will suggest what they are allowed to play with or offer a movie, etc.
i follow this guidline for both my daughter and my sd's when my sd's are not there, my daughter is not allowed in their room, and vise verse
Well if you don't have time to put it away and she gets it out I think you should simply say 'oh let's not play with that today.' Then take that and any other thing within reach that you don't want her touching and be done with it. Don't make it an issue and if she asks why just tell her that you don't want pieces lost or that your DD wants to keep her DS private b/c she's got some games going, etc. I'd be fairly honest, in a nice way, with both the daughter and the mom.
I also agree you should take turns and it's fair to let her play with some of your toys but she should clean up too. When it's time for them to leave just say oh, Girl, let's clean up those toys you were playing with! And go over and help her get picked up. I think it's a bit rude for her mom not to do that, especially if she's the only child home and they don't live there, but when you have kids coming in and out so frequently, maybe she's not thinking about it.
I would not allow her in your daughter's room at all. I would take out a few toys she can play with, whether before she comes or when she gets there, and then show her those. If she asks for others or tries to touch something that is off limit, just say "no" or sorry, but those toys belong to dd so they are not for playing. Her mom should get the hint to bring toys for her if she gets bored of what you have offered. No reason you can't tell her no or just close the doors to the other rooms and ask her to stay near her mom.
when she's at your house, have a small box of toys that she's allowed to play with and keep your daughter's door firmly shut. if she starts to go in just say pleasantly 'prunella, please don't go in there. here are some things you can play with.' no long explanations or rationalizations. just 'not that. here's this.' don't offer explanations to the mom either unless she asks, and then once again keep it pleasant and brief.
no need for the situation to escalate to discomfort or drama.
khairete
S.
I tend to think its your responsibility to teach the child how to play at your house, the mom doesn't know your rules or procedures. Annoying that she doesn't speak up and watch her, but without having heard anything from you, she doesn't know that anything is wrong. Hopefully with some instruction, the girl can learn how to gather the pieces and put things away. Ask the poster said, guide her at the end, 10 minutes before they have to leave, and inquire about the whereabouts of all the puzzle pieces, all the marbles. Time to not be silent anymore, but make the change you want to see.
I don't think you should worry too much about being overly polite. Make up a box of things you want the little girl to play with. The next time she comes around just tell her that you don't want your children's things lost or the batteries to run out when they don't get shut off. So you've made her a special box for her when she comes to visit. Make sure there are things she'll like. I'd stick with sit down things, paper, washable markers, crayons, 1-2 small tubes of play dough and then tell her she must sit at the table with her box.
Does your daughter have a lock on her bedroom door? Or maybe just bring out a few select toys/games that she can play with that morning and make your daughter's bedroom off limits (which out of respect for your daughter should be anyway.) If you do have a spontaneous coffee date then I suggest you take the time to put these things out of reach while they watch. Sends a message that's clear but not rude and a four year old is definitely old enough to understand what is off limits.
Hi,
I would just put aside a few toys that are ok and then when she comes just state simply that your going to put your daughters special toys up but she is welcome to play with _______. Make it a non-issue. If she asks why or the mom does, just say that-those are her special toys and she doesn't want others to play with them when she isn't there. Don't feel bad- if the mom won't supervise her kid, then your only options are to confront the mom and say-could you watch___ closely when she plays? I have noticed we are missing some puzzle pieces etc. when she comes over and she doesn't clean up after she is done. Which that would make her mad-- Or deal with the toys and only leave out toys that are ok for the child to play with. And when you are wrapping up coffee say, ok---_________ it is time to clean up! Let me show you where these go.....good luck.
M
Put all the stuff in your daughter's room that little 4 yr old is not allowed to have and create a box of stuff she is allowed to have and that's it-if that doesn't work-get a morning job and have your coffee at work with colleagues that respect you!
When she comes over leave toys out that she can play with and that is it, tell your friend that you are doing this and why.
