My best friend of 14 years is a 2nd-year grad student studying school psychology. She had asked me once about a year ago to do an assessment on my then six year old. I said ok, why not, and she did the assessment. It was no big deal, just a home-life assessment, to see how she perceives her home life. Now, she is asking me to use my 7-year-old to practice an IQ assessment, and an emotional assessment.
My seven-year-old is a very sensitive girl, and I'm worried that this testing will stress her out. The whole testing (both tests) will take a few hours (can't remember exactly how much she said but its a long time for a little girl). She did say she could spread the testing out over a few days. My daughter tends to 'need' to get the right answer and tends to get stressed when she takes quizzes or tests because she wants so badly to get the right answer. I am sure that my friend, being a psych grad student, knows how to get around that, but am I wrong for still wanting to decline? I just don't think its a good idea to subject my child to unnecessary assessments. It would be one thing if they were necessary to diagnose some underlying emotional problem, but my daughter is perfectly normal. Admittedly I'm not familiar with these testing scenarios so I am kind of shooting from the hip here. What do you think, Moms?
Thanks for your answers, Moms. I decided to decline. No reason to subject my daughter to unnecessary stress and get results that could possibly be very wrong!
Why dont you ask her to show you everything that is going to be asked first and then decide after that.
I think it's okay to decline, but I also think it's a little silly. If your friend is really in training to be a therapist, then she should know how to read the emotional cues that your daughter is giving her. Why don't you tell your friend your concerns and see how she addresses them?
Your daughter is, presumably, in school, and thus deals with being "assessed" on a regular basis. I think if your friend frames it correctly, this should be a lot less stressful than anything that happens in school on an almost daily basis.
Again, you're the mom and can say no, as long as you do it politely. I just don't think that you need to say no in this case.
Are you worried that your friend may obtain knowledge that you don't want anyone but you and your husband to have (i.e. what if she scores lower than you think she should on the IQ test)?
B/c that would be the only reason for me not to do it.... someone other than myself, husband and school having information that may be sensitive. I've never done any of the testing but I doubt it would involve a stressful situation for a child - I'm sure they have methods re: how to maneuver around that.
Bottom line - you should never feel bad about saying no to anyone if you feel it is in the best interest your child. Good luck!
I'm not sure it would do any harm. Explain to your daughter that this particular test doesnt have "right or wrong" answers, because I assume it doesnt since it's psychologically based. I think it would be okay to tell your 7 yr old that "aunt so and so" is doing a "study" and your daughter is her homework assignment.
It sounds to me like YOU are afraid that your friend might judge something about your daughter.... in which you should not be afraid of that since she's your best friend, and since it's psychologically based WE ARE ALL different and there is no right or wrong answers, only a spectrum. Do your friend the favor and dont over analyze it :)
My child (who is extremely sensitive and anxious) had an IQ test and extensive neuro-psychological testing due to some medical conditions, and frankly, she did not even realize it was a test. It was fun for her. It involved shapes, and fun, interesting and simple challenges like "now place the shapes in the proper holes again, but do it all with your eyes closed". If she couldn't find the right shape or finish the task, the doctor had a way of ending that section of the test without my child's feeling like she had failed. I observed the entire process and at the end, I wondered how such a simple-appearing test could possibly tell the doctor anything. It looked more like play time. But then in the evaluation period, the information the doctor gleaned was amazing. He was observing the entire time, and was making observations about things I never considered - things both my child and I were not aware of during the test. After all, if the test is stressful and demanding, the psychologist cannot really gauge the child's psychological condition, right? So the tests are cleverly designed to put the child at ease in order to get an accurate result.
My child was not stressed as the test does not appear to have any time limits or stresses or "right and wrong". So it's completely different from her spelling test or similar things. And the psychologists are trained in how to approach the child. They don't say "we're going to test you". They have ways to put it so that the child feels comfortable. And my child's doctor showed her the testing materials and the comfortable room where it would be conducted beforehand.
Maybe you could tell your child she's helping your friend with a school project. I would not be anxious about it, but if you are, just tell your friend to keep her results to herself and to treat them as confidential. I encourage you to help her since this test is non-invasive and harmless.
ask your daughter....she's old enough to tell the truth! Let her be the guide & relax.....either you trust your friend or you don't.
I always appreciate it when my friends tell me what they need to tell me and not what they think I want to hear. I am always okay with the truth especially when it concerns something that they may or may not want to do. Doing something when you really don't want to just ends up causing more trouble than it's worth. So yes, always tell the truth. That being said, I just want to throw this little tidbit out there for you to think about . . .
When my son has been tested by the school district (he has delays with communication and writing skills and receives special ed services), the testing has always been presented in a fun, play-like format. I don't even think he was aware that he was being tested. I am pretty sure that it will be the same for your daughter. If you still feel uncomfortable allowing your daughter to be tested by your friend, then definitely tell her the truth and do it soon so that she can line someone else up. I do think your concerns are valid but if your daughter's experience is going to be anything like my son's, then I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Hope this helps.
on the one hand i think that this sort of no-pressure no-consequence 'testing' might be a very good thing to help your daughter overcome her fears. at some point she's going to have to take tests, she needs to learn how to do so without such stress and anxiety.
but it's certainly not necessary. it would be a nice thing to do for your friend, but ultimately your child is your child and only you can assess how it affect her. if you feel it's too much, then decline honestly and courteously. i'm sure your friend will be disappointed but it's not going to devastate her or anything.
khairete
S.
I just wanted to comment that as a grad student, your friend should be seeking out professional opportunities via an internship or practicum to be able to observe and practice these techniques. I find it rather lazy and unprofessional of her to subject her friends children to assessments. I had to do many assessments and behavior plans as part of my early childhood education major and we were only to do them in the practicum setting offered, or in a professional workspace. I would have never asked a friend to let me assess their child, because of the nature of the work that follows the assessment. It is an invasive process and I may have to write reports about the details of the assessment that might ruin a friendship.
You are the parent, and you should feel no guilt for making decisions that reflect the well-being of your child. Decline your friend's request and don't feel like you have to offer any explanations...a simple "no thanks" will do.
you should not feel guilty at all about saying no. having said that though it might be good for your daughter to do the testing and getting used to tests. explain to her right up front that there are no right or wrong answers and that the person who is really being tested is "your friend" that the test is her not your daughter. that might help her to feel better about it. but your daughter is going to be doing these standardized tests for all of her school years she might as well get started now.
I would tell my daughter the situation and put it to her like she's doing a favor for your friend, not that it's a test to be worried about. If presented in the right way I think it could make her feel very important that she's doing "grown-up" school work. If after presenting it in that way she doesn't want to do it, I wouldn't pressure her to do it.
As much as you love your best friend and under most normal circumstances would be more than happy to help her, your daughters happiness still comes first in all your decisions. I would just be completely honest, tell her what you described to us and if she is a good friend, she should be more than understanding. Best of luck!
Your first priority is your daughter, not your friend's school requirement. There are plenty of other people she can assess. She chose you because it is an easy answer for her. I would never put my child through this.
First of all, if you really don't want to do it, just tell your friend the concerns you expressed here and she will completely understand. No need to feel guilty, you're the mom and it's your child.
However, that being said, I really don't see what the big deal is about doing it. Like you said, she's in training to do these tests in a fun and easy manner so that it's the least stressful as possible on the child. I understand that your daughter is sensitive, but she will have to "test" in some manner for the rest of her life- be it in school, or job interviews in the future, so she has to learn how to deal with her testing anxiety at some point. I think you had some great suggestions on how to approach it with your daughter as a favor, or being a big girl helping out, or even as a "job" of sorts. If you discuss it with her and she freaks out about the idea, then just tell your friend that it's too stressful. I think though that your daughter will take it in the way it is presented to her. If you approach it tentatively, "this may be really hard for you, but if you want to do it you can", etc, then she will not do well. However, if it's approached as something fun and exciting, "You get to help her with her school and help her practice her work. Doesn't that sound like so much fun!"; then she may approach it in a whole different manner. You don't even have to call it a test if that will stress her out.
You state that you don't want to "subject her to unnecessary assessments". But I think you're looking at it the wrong way. Your friend does not really want to assess your daughter to find out how smart she is or how emotionally adjusted she is. She is merely needing to practice the examination process and your daughter is someone who she knows will do well and be compliant and allow her success in the administering of the tests. I am a physical therapist and I know first hand that learning in a classroom and doing it in a real life setting are two different things; I've "assessed" the motor skills of many of my friend's children as well as my own and it's been very valuable. Your friend just wants to be competent so that she can do the tests effectively when she really needs to. Just think, if you took your daughter to a professional for some testing of any kind (psych, medical, educational, whatever), don't you want to know that they are proficient in administering the test? No one becomes proficient without practice!
Bottom line, I don't think it would be a problem or reason to feel guilty if you decline. I just don't think that doing it is that big of a deal either.
If your daughter is stressed about tests this might help her. As with anything else we become more comfortable the more times we do something. She will need to learn to relax when she has to take tests. From this point in her life until she graduates college she will take a lot of tests. If she stresses out taking tests she could score lower because of the stress or neverousness. The more practice she gets the more comfortable she will become taking tests. Keep telling her there are no right or wrong answers and just do her best. Appauld her efforts and let her know how proud you are of her.
We had a friend test both our girls for her graduate classes when they were about 6 and 9. I would say that they were sensitive and wanted to gt the right answers too. She made it so fun for them that they still remember it and talk about it occasionally 25 years later!
Have you asked your daughter? I would explain it to her that its really not to test her but to give your friend experience administering the test. She may think it neat and want to help, but she may not want to do it. I wouldn't push her if she's not interested.
.
Hi,
Whether she is your friend or not, if you as a mom are not comfortable with something, its ok to say no! It sounds like you feel your daughter wouldn't do well with testing because she gets stressed--I would listen to your gut and say to your friend-- I completely support you but we have decided that its too much pressure for our daughter and we don't want her to be stressed about it. You are not wrong for declining-what she is asking is a bit much!
M
Under the circumstances you presented I would not do it and I don't think you are being unreasonable to decline.
If your friend is a true friend she will understand.
It's not like your friend is a "real" therapist looking for anything specific. This is for her class and I'm sure she is very inexperienced and if anything, it might be more like role playing. I don't know for sure but I wouldn't have a problem with it. But, if you feel so strongly against it, then do what feels right.
No. You should not feel guilty. You've assisted her once. You are under no obligation to do it again. There are usually testing facilities at the college, where graduate students offer these tests to parents who want them and the college gets paid for doing them. I would not upset my 7 year old, especially if she tends to get stressed, for a study. Remember most studies require more than one child for assessment. Your friend will just have to get someone else this time.
I agree with Sue....ask your daughter what SHE thinks about it. Before you do that...ask your friend for a bit more information on what format the test takes...samples of what kind of questions she might be asked etc...so that you can answer the questions that your daughter might have. Then make your final decision based upon what your daughter says. WITH the understanding, between you and your friend, that if your daughter gets stressed at any point that the test will stop on a permanent basis.
I haven't read your responses so this might be repetitive, but here is mine:
if she is your "best friend" she will understand if you tell her that you feel that it just isn't in the best interest of your child at this time. Enough said! if she is your friend she will understand, what's more important your friend or your daughter, of course it's your daughter, and since she is your "best friend" she will understand. but you have to act in the best interest of your child! and it is perfectly okay to do so.
She's your child and you can say no. She's your friend and should understand. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it. I'm sure she(your friend) would not do anything to hurt her. And in these kinds of tests there is no wrong answer.
If you believe your daughter is "perfectly normal" then I don't understand why you or your daughter would have a problem with it. In fact, your daughter would probably feel special that she gets to help your friend. She may even think it's fun.
Of course it's your daughter and you need to look out for her best interest, but just ask her if she wants to do it. I see no harm whatsoever. If there was any reason to think it would hurt or damage your child in any way the professor would not have given the assignment.
I am sure your friend can make it fun for your daughter. But I would not allow long sessions. Children need to play and learna and not be stressed out. I think maybe 30 a day would not hurt. I would love to know the results. I let my daughter as a baby be tested for a UW deal they hooked her up to and put a square shaped pacifier in monitored her then a round. Never really knew what they wanted but it was sort of a priveledge to do it. G. W
I think you should ask your daughter if she wants to do it.
AND, I think your friend should be willing to pay your daughter for her time. Then, if your daughter chooses to take the "job," she will get rewarded for it. That is a lot of time for your daughter to give your friend for no good reason.
You need to find out more information. Talk to your friend. Explain your apprehensions. I'm sure she can lay your fears to rest.
You need to be honest with your girlfriend, it's not like she's new to your life. She has known the children their whole lives - so are they not comfortable around her?
She may be able to help your daughter get over her fear or stress/anxiety of always needing to get the answer right. In life - there are times when there is NO RIGHT ANSWER - you need to go with your gut - that's life.
I would the opportunity for my friend to "interview" my children like this! I think it would be great to get their perspective on things from a 3rd party!!!
Good luck!! Go with your gut. If you are trying to "protect" your daughter - you won't be able to do that her whole life....you won't be there for each and every test and this isn't a test. Explain to your daughter that you and she are helping her out with school stuff and there is NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER.
Ultimately you know your child and what is best for her. I would just be honest with your friend. And realistically, she will learn more doing assessments on different children.
Here's the thing, it is your child & you have to be the mom first & not the friend...(no offense to your friend). But you have to do what is right for your child, whether someone makes the testing fun or not, it is not necessary to put your child through this nor for you to be agonizing over it.
I am sure you will find the right words to say on declining her offer, like "As much as I would like to help, I just feel that my daughter would not handle this well, but thanks for thinking of us". Good luck! Stand strong, you are not wrong.
What is the relationship between your friend and your daughter? I have friends from HS and college that my kids call Aunt_____ . They would do anything their aunts asked and feel privileged to participate in any project going on.
If you feel like this would be detrimental then decline and tell you friend why. Colleges have enormous databases of children who will be more than happy to participate. My kids were all part of the University of Illinois' database while we were in Champaign. Any time they needed children to "evaluate" we got a call. It was actually fun for the kids.
N.,
It sounds like this is something that could help your child at no cost. Could be a win win situation. It seems that you are a little frightened about the outcome?? Since you let her do the research the first time, I think it would be nice to let her follow through. However, you are the parent and have the last word. Forget the guilt, its your decision.
Blessings....
Updated
N.,
It sounds like this is something that could help your child at no cost. Could be a win win situation. It seems that you are a little frightened about the outcome?? Since you let her do the research the first time, I think it would be nice to let her follow through. However, you are the parent and have the last word. Forget the guilt, its your decision.
Blessings....
Betty O said it best. My child gets overtested enough in school and tests with no right answers would frustrate her. I would not do this to my child.
Everyone who thinks it is no big deal is assuming your friend will give an objective, accurate assessment.
In college I agreed to help out a dormmate who was supposed to measure fat percentage. I said no, but she kept bugging me so I gave in. I weighed 107 and was 5'2. Her score was so wrong the medical director MADE me come in for a fat percentage oxygen test, even though I had bronchitus. They were prepared to do an intervention because her analysis said I was OBESE. They did not redo the fat caliber test which was obviously very wrong. It took time away from what I was supposed to be doing and it caused me undo stress. It was a private Christian school with many rules so I felt I had to do what the director said.
I see most moms here think it's not a big deal and you should try to do it. I myself would never do it. I would actually be a bit put off if my friend of 14 years asked me this IF she knew my daughter was sensitive and how I feel about it. I would say no. I have a 9 year old girl who is very sensitive about things like this and she has enough to do and worry about in her school work this year, so NO. I would not do it and I wouldn't give it a second thought. ALWAYS go with your instincts, most of the time they are right :)
You are the only person that can protect your child. I would tell your friend exactly what you said here. Your 7 year old is sensitive and you don't want her to feel pressured, etc. Tell her you are sure she knows how to alleviate that, but you just don't feel comfortable. Can you recommend any other kids for her to practice on?
There's nothing wrong with saying no, but I did do those tests with a friend when we were in college (she was obviously not planning to work with kids) and I admit I scored lower because I really didn't feel like thinking about some of the questions (I used to leave answers blank in school simply because I thought the questions were stupid or I didn't feel like answering them).
If you are not sure, and think you might let her, ask her for more information about the test itself--is it structured as an activity/game? Is it question/answer? Is it puzzles/manipulatives? Is it drawing? A combination? Otherwise, simply tell her you are not comfortable for the reasons you have stated already.
.
I agree with Mitzi, the tests are like games and our neuro-psych told my daughter that these were not tests with right/wrong answers, any answer is OK. I too was amazed at how much info he could get out of timing and observing from these simply-looking games - stuff I felt on a gut level but could never have stated so concisely. Personally, the more I know about my children the better I think I can guide them. So you could explain to your child that your friend is learning about how to give game-test, and she would like to practice with your daughter, but if your daughter says she is not interested or has better use of her time, than just tell your friend your daughter is not interested. She is 7, and should have input into her activities.
My mom volunteered me for her friend when her friend was in grad school studying the same thing. I was probably 6 or 7. I vaguely remember it and it did take a lot of time, but I think it's so cool to look back at the tests now! I think it's neat because I know my real IQ and had assessments done that very few other children will ever have. It's a unique look into my intellectual makeup as a child. I'd say go for it and keep the tests so your daughter can look back at them later.
