My Friend Is Sending Her Daughter Away When She Gives Birth to Her Second Baby!?

Hi Janelle-
I can not beleive people are agreeing wtih this statement. What one person does to adjust to having a new child in the family is there personal business. No one should go around judging them for that at all !!! First of all a 20 month child is not going to grow up with problems because Mommy and Daddy sent me to go have fun and play with Grandma for 2 weeks?? Second, I had my daughter when my son was 23 months old and it was EXTREMLY difficult to have him to take care while getting use to the other one at the same time !!!! He is now 5 and he has no memory of his sister even coming home !! It is for 2 weeks not the first year of her life.. This is a family issue and one, that should not be judged by the outside. I think the big sister will grow up fine even being away for 2 weeks..

J-
i am in a similar situation, when my second child is due, my son will be 20 mos. I asked my in-laws to care for him for a few days, since i will be having a C-section, and my husband has to work. I do however expect him at the hospital to see the new one after he/she is out... if your opinion is asked- politely state your views, but not in a negative fashion... and if not - just try to support their decision - good luck!

me: working mother of 1, incubating 1 (due 12/12) and step mom of 2.

Hi Janelle,

I'm a mother of two. I think that is very hard on the first child when the new baby comes along. They need to be made apart of it. I included my daughter in everything took her to the ultrasounds, she was at the hospital right after her brother was born. She got to climb in the hospital bed and cuddle with me and the baby. I think she was much more excepting of the experience because of this. Kids are really smart, if you talk to them and explain whats going on they understand alot better then coming home to this new person, stealing all there parents time. If you send the child away, it sends them a message that they are not wanted or that the new baby is more important. Its very important that they get alot of mommy and daddy time in the beginning. Otherwise they feel left out and they will resent the new baby. I would say something.

N.

Hi Janelle,

I’m with you…I find it hard to believe that anyone would send their child away for more than an overnighter when a younger sibling is about to be brought into this world. My daughter will be 25 months old when our second is born and there’s no way in a million years that we would not make her feel part of it. It would break our hearts if we even suspected for a moment that she felt as if she were being abandoned, replaced, unloved, resentment towards her new sibling, etc., etc. We plan on having Nana or Grandma stay the night at our house with her, where she is in her comfort zone and can sleep in her own bed. Having a baby is not only a huge deal for the parents, but it’s also a huge deal for your firstborn. They need to take a second to think about her and not just themselves. If the opportunity presents itself in a manner that you can discuss how you feel with your friend without her getting defensive, then absolutely, by all means…do it :o).

Well this is their decision however I feel it a very bad decision. Its very important that they bond to their new sibling. I understand needing help. My son was 16mos when I gave birth to my daughter and he was at grandma while I delivered then the next day another grandma stayed with us to help until I came home with the new baby. I think its better to have grandparents come to us so the child is in their home environment and adapts better.

I would gently explain what I know about child development and expalin why you think that is such a bad idea. My oldest daughter loved to play with her sis when she came home from the hosp and now my oldest(she is 5)has a better relationship with her sis. She has helped out which taught her responsibilty and empathy.

I think that you should keep your opionion to yourself. Maybe they don't see their 20 month old as a "burden". Maybe they just want to have time to spend with their new little one like they did with the first. It is a bonding experience to bring a new baby home from the hospital, and I persoanlly think that they are doing an excellent thing by being able to spend time getting to know what the new little baby will need before they bring their daughter home. And besides, if the grandparents live in another state, then the 20 m.o. probably doesn't get to see them very often anyways, and might think of it as an adventure. If there is a real problem when she comes home, maybe you could suggest to your friend that they could play a "coming home game". Have your friend go to the hospital (with a robe and maybe a balloon) then sit in a wheelchair with the new baby, so that then whoever goes to the airport to get her can bring her to the hospital and "bring mommy and baby home". I have heard of people doing that.

I think that you should stay out of it, their decision is their choice. I know when I have my second one my daughter is going to bouncing around from family member to family member she will be 2 1/2 when I have my second one, She will also go to daycare during the day when I am at home because I am having a c-section. So what people do is what they feel is best for them in there home not what you think.

I personally think that you should let them know your opinion. I see their point of view also though. Yes, It would be a bit easier to deal with a new baby without the 20 month old running around....but what they have to consider is the fact that the 20 month year old will be there regardless if she gets in the way or not! She will be the big sister and even though she is small now I think that it is very important that they siblings develop a relationship now so that she doesn't build resentment towards the new baby because she wasn't able to be part of bringing her home and not to mention the fact that she was sent away because of her younger sibling! My oldest daughter was 26 months old when I had her sister. Yes, It was difficult...but now she remembers when we brought her home and everything she helped with and they have a great relationship! So yeah, I think that you should at least tell her something. Was she an only child? Or was this was her parents did as well everytime they had a new baby??

This family already made the decision, and it is irrelevant whether you agree or not. If they feel the 20 month old will be a burden, this child is better of being with the grand parents and her whole world is going to change regardless, for a 20 month old the time of one night is not so much different than two weeks.
I wouldn't worry if I were you, for this family it is probably the best solution. We are all different.
G.

i agree with you she should be a part of the whole thing to send her to a whole other state seems ridiculous if the mother is scared she will feel overwhelmed or that it might be to much for her daughter then she should have someone come to the house to help her for the first 2 wks and that way the little girl won't feel put out by the baby i mean that could cause this child to resent the baby before she even gets to adjust to the situation i think you should tell the mother how much this is isolation and might make her daughter think she's done something wrong then whatever they decide is on them and the worst that can happen is they get mad at you cause you already babysit and they need you for that so it's not like they will fire you but in the best interest of the little girl you should tell them having a new baby should include the whole family and you just make sure you tell the little girl how great of a sister she will be and all the good stuff

I agree that it may be a bad decision on their part to send their 20 month old away... in MANY ways. Just gotta be careful not to step on any toes. It would be hard to say something and not have your friend take offense to it. Good luck ;)