My Friend and Her Special Needs son...am I Insensitive?

I dont think you are being an arse at all. Coddling is extremely irritaing, although i do understand her reasoning why, but it's time to help him grow, not stunt the childs development.

Funny how you got reprimanded for feeling this way, yet in the same posting another poster said what the mother is doing isn't right. Does this make the other poster an arse too?

I would do some research on his disorders. Maybe he truly is not capable of doing things for himself. Maybe he tries and she knows he can't so she steps in.
But yes you are being rather insensitive. Her child=she gets to coddle all she wants. You=friend who gets to accept that she is depressed and is slowly working things out.

Wow, you've gotten so many answers I wasn't even considering posting an answer here. After reading most of the other posts, I am now compelled to offer my thoughts.

First, I AM the mother of a special needs child. My child does not have the same issues as your friends child, but parents of children with special needs are fiercely protective of our children, so I have some idea what she is going through and how she feels.

I will not bore you with the long medical history of my son, that doesn't matter here. But I will share what happens when well meaning "friends" put their noses where they don't belong.

Many posters have suggested you back away from the friendship if you can't be supportive without being jugemental. I will counter that advice with this: when you back away, you will hurt her as much or more than you would hurt her with your opinions of her parenting. She is a smart woman, she will know you don't approve of the way she parents her child and you will do more damage by walking away.

Some have posted that you should confront her, in a nice way, and offer advice on better methods of parenting. Do not share your opinions with her, it serves no purpose. She is navigating a new and scary world. Ask her how her son is doing. Ask her to explain her son's diagnosis. She needs to talk about it with someone who will listen. She will mourn the loss of a "normal" child and she will need a friend who loves her.

Some mentioned the possibility that the childs issues were somehow her fault. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BLAME HER FOR HER SONS ISSUES. Not to her face, or behind her back. She already has guilt from not being able to get pregnant, then losing a baby, and now having a son with issues. She will blame herself many more times than others will blame her. The very last thing she needs is for others to suggest it's her fault. Ask her how she is doing, but please do it honestly. See if you can set aside your feelings and opinions long enough to be a support to her. It is hard, I too have friends who make me a little crazy with their constant rant about one thing or another, so belive me, I can see it from both sides.

Let her know you love her and that she can trust you, (if in fact that is the way you feel). If you offer to watch her child to give her a break, make sure you ask her if there are any special instructions for his care. The biggest mistake you can make with a special needs child is to put your own spin on the child's care. Please do things the same way his mother does them. I can tell you from personal experience that when someone else watches my son and tries to "teach him to behave", the fall out from that short period of time makes me want to scream at the person who has been watching him.

Special needs children can be the loves of your life. Raising them can be taxing, emotionally draining, and just plain hard. Those parents who raise special needs children need the love and support of true friends. If you can be that person, bless you. If you can't, know that when you back away from this relationship, you will hurt her, and the friendship will be damaged, never to be the same again. It is your choice, obviously. Whatever you choose to do, do it 100%. Either be there for her, and really be there, or walk away. If you choose to walk away, then walk, and be gone.

Best of luck to you.

I guarantee you will loose her friendship if you talk to her about her parenting methods. There is nothing worse then when you have a different or special needs child and your getting advice from people who have typical kids, or none at all. It is already a trying day to day life they don't want to have to justify themselves to someone that has No idea what it truly is like day in day out. Every child is different too, some need extra help in the beginning and what may work for some kids could be completely different for another. I'm not quite sure what the disibilities are that your friends child has but, it sounds like she is trying to get the help she needs to educate and prepare her for the different steps she has to take for her child's sake. You say that she has her child in a special preschool, they will be teaching things there for the child to obtain certain skills as well. There are MANY parents out there that allow the system to raise their child because it is too difficult but, not your friend. She is dealing with the circumstances in her own way. If you had to raise a disabled child you would quickly realize you have no place to judge anyone or their choices as long as there is love and involvement. Trust me, if you really value her friendship you will push through the feelings you get and try to focus on supporting and listening when need be. You feel alone on an island sometimes when you have a special needs child. I can't understand why some people posted how "irritated" they get when they see a mom coddle, they obviously do not have a special needs child nor a child who has to work so much harder at the little things to achieve what most of us take for granted every day. These women who judge have no idea what parents go through just to keep their lives in some sort of order.

In our country/culture, most of us value autonomy. Some cultures in the world value doing as much as possible for as long as possible for their children. And there are lots of variances that fall in between. None are "correct", they are just different. You raise your children differently than she does. Your friends behavior toward her child did not "create" his diagnosis. That is not how it works. It is more likely that she catered her behavior to suit his special needs, and that is okay. Leave her to know her own child as best as she can.

Yes, you might be an arse right now:) You are irritated because you feel that she damaged her child with her close attention. You are not an expert in the field. (and neither am I) I used to have a friend very similar to yours. This friend went as far to put a baby helmet on her infant because she was fearful of him hitting his head. I thought I was quite the smarty-pants when her son was diagnosed with sensory integration disorder at age 2, and was just certain her over-protectiveness had caused it. I also had a strong emotional reaction and it ended a very long friendship because I was harshly critical of her methods. Then I went to school for a few years and studied the family and world dynamic of child development, as well as neurological orders such as SDO (again, not an expert, but do have a really good understanding that these are neurological instead of behavioral issues)...and I wish I had the grace back then to support her with a good heart. I have since been in contact with my friend this past year, but I know we will never be as close as we were, because I was horrible to her and too judgmental, when I should have been supportive. Your friend is in counseling, and that is great. Now it is time for you to let go of your ill feelings if you want to continue your friendship.

I don't believe for a minute that she has made him into a special needs kid. However, she is proabbly not doing him any favors by babying him, if indeed she is.

I understand your frustration. I have a best friend whose daughter was underdeveloped and very very late walking. I was actually concerned she might have CP. But mom didn't worry at all and carried her everywhere, like across a room to get a toy. It drove me nuts. And her child at 6 is still a mess in terms of being very spoiled and sort of a nasty explosive child. So I do understand.

However, there is also nothing in what she is doing that is inherently bad, she is attached to and loving her son. And under the best of situations, might simply parent different than you. You don't know what his needs are because you aren't there all the time. So I think you have to back off. There is nothing you can say to her that will be helpful ro get her to change, and you will only hurt her. You are not insensitive because you clearly care about her son. However, I think you need to stay out of it too.

Yes, you are being insensitive. You don't know what it's like to be the parent of this child. I wonder if your friend or you would be willing to have you watch him for a little while without her there. Maybe it would give you some insight as to whether her actions really are enabling (disabling) her son. At the very least, it will give her a little bit of a break.

I don't necessarily think you are being insensitive - your concern is for the child. You just have to keep in mind it is her child and she is the mother. I'm certain her over-coddling is due to her problems getting pregnant and the anguish of losing a twin. I could not really judge her too harshly because I have never been in that situation and don't know the pain she has endured. You can have your opinions, but expressing them may not work out like you want it to. If you feel safe making a few gentle suggestions as you have, that's about all you can do. It is going to be up to the professionals to "tell" her when things should be evaluated or done differently. I understand why you are frustrated, because I have seen the same thing myself with a few mothers, but it's really not my place to judge or correct them.

She sounds like after her fertility issues, and the traumatic experience of losing one of the twins, she is possibly being really overprotective with the other. The thing is, it is not your concern. If there is anything that she needs to be doing differently for her son, let one of the therapists, her pediatrician, a teacher, etc. tell her and work with her - not you. The challenges her son is facing may or may not be the result of how she's raised him to this point but either way, it's not up to you to tell her what she should be doing. Nobody wants to be told how to raise their kids or made to feel that somehow something is their fault as a parent. I have not agreed with a lot of the things my SIL has done or not done as far as raising her kids, and sometimes it is all I can do to bite my tongue, but I still do it - they are her kids, not mine. Sharing my opinions with her, when not asked for, serves no purpose. If you want to be a true friend, don't give her advice unless she asks for it. And if it bothers you that much, starting limiting your time with her.

You are totally being an insensitive "arse."

This woman has struggled to have children, and lost one of a set of twins...huge, HUGE loss for this woman and child!!!

So she wants to protect him and cherish every moment with him, because she feels she could lose him too. Believe me, I can relate to that feeling. I have HUGE anxiety over my children and the "what ifs"...the difference between this woman and I, however, is that I really try not to let my own anxiety interfere with their normal development. Do I want my children to ride bikes, rollerskate, play sports? Nope. But I let them.

She loves her son very much...why in the world should you feel sorry for him?

Now...I don't think what she is doing is right, but YOU ARE NOT THE ONE TO TELL HER THAT. Obviously, his doctor, school, therapist, whatever...they KNOW the issue, and are doing whatever they can to help without FURTHER damaging this woman.

If you can't spend time with her without being "irritated" then don't spend time with her. She doesn't need your irritation. Sorry to be so short, but it sounded like you KNOW what a jerk you are being. Sometimes we can't help it...I've been there, too. If you can't help it, just step away.

I don't know if "arse" would be the right word, but I think you are being pretty judgy. I guess the one think that I see is this boy has been diagnosed with integration disorder and selective mutism. i don't pretend to know anything about either one of these disorders, but I am pretty sure that you don't "get" them because mom coddles.
You say she is getting her own therapy and support at the school. Maybe when he gets upset he needs to be totally wrapped up in moms arms to calm down. Maybe they taught her that.
I don't know. I just know that I have a friend whos son is on autistic and I know that she parents very differently than I do. But, my children don't have autism, so I don't feel like I am in a position to judge how she parents.
Take a deep breath and maybe do some research on the disorders that he has. I am willing to bet that they are real and mom is probably doing her best to help he living son.
L.

I think you may want to back off of this subject, it will not end well in regards to the friendship. From my reading of the post you think she caused the issues, she may be an enabler but not the root cause; something tells me she is not blind to your thoughts. I would either cool down the group hang outs while they work on things or put up and shut up. From one special needs mom to a typical kid mom.

I do think you care about your friend, but I don't think you understand that it is highly, highly unlikely that she "caused" sensory integration disorder or selective mutism. These are neurological differences, not something caused by bad parenting. I don't know how long he has been in the special preschool or how long she has been receiving therapy, but she should be learning techniques to assist with communication, separation anxiety, tantrums, and developing independence. I would only approach her from the standpoint of "I love you so much, I want to learn the best ways to interact with (little boy's name) too. What are they teaching you in school and therapy? How can I help when we are together?" I would also read up on these conditions and development assistance/therapy so that you were knowledgeable. We have a grandchild with autism. The parents have been very helpful in educating the family but I remember before diagnosis and before he was in an early intervention program, watching them and thinking what is going on? A lot of the dysfunctional interaction going on before resulted from the inability to communicate effectively. With the excellent program he is in, our grandchild has come so far, it is absolutely miraculous. They have a good quality family life now and we are convinced that he will be able to lead a very satisfying, happy life as well. If the program your friend's son is in is not effective, the best way you can help her is to get into a position where you are knowledgeable and can offer meaningful assistance not just expect the standards we would use in dealing with neurologically "normal" children. Some things are the same but some things are different. I hope they are in a good program.

I do not think you are "insensitive" because from the tone of your post I can see how much you care for your friend. That being said, I would steer so far clear of any attempt at talking to your friend about her parenting choices/style whatever you want to call it. I understand how you may feel, but she is doing the best she can...I have a special needs son and my sister has two special needs children and there is no way that I can make you understand the guilt most moms of special needs children harbor at some points...I can tell you, she will get over this point...having a second child can only help. When you have more than one child that needs you it becomes so clear that you cannot coddle as much= ) Also relatively speaking...to some 4 is still pretty young...delay or not, there will come a time when it is the child's own desire to have some more independence and mom will have no choice but to back off some ( I have seen this happen with my own eyes)
It is difficult sometimes to love ( sometimes to even like) our friends children or to be biased against how we perceive interactions between our friends and their kiddo's. I personally think my own sister needs to discipline her 8 year old more despite the fact that she has Autism...but I bite my tongue, it is so not my place! Because I love my sister and do not want to strain our friendship. You are being a good friend by continuing to be supportive. The therapists will gently guide her and let her know if anything she does is hurting rather than helping. We had an ABA therapist who was quite blunt, that was her job...as a friend, your job is to be a friend = ) If you tell her how you feel you will do irrepairable damage to your friendship.
If you want peace about this, just tell yourself how much she loves her child, and be thankful that you have never suffered the loss she has or had a special needs child.

The fastest way to lose a friend is to judge her parenting.

I was an over-protective mom for about the first 18 months of my child's life. I learned to back off a little. But my reason's for being that way were real reasons to me. Your friend has her reasons for being the way she is, and they are real reasons to her. A real friend is supportive, not judgemental. If you are annoyed to be around her, you need to limit your time with her.

Some mom's just can't do anything right in the eyes of other mom's. Geesh! If she is neglecting or abusing her child, yes judge and intervene. If she is loving her child, and taking care of him, back off and let her be his mom.

I have been around some moms like this. It takes every ounce of patience not to give my opinions.

IF she asks you, go ahead and give your opinion. If you want to offer to babysit him sometime, offer and then see if he is more independent without her. Then when she picks him up, let her know, "He was able to wash his own hands and set the table all by himself!" Or whatever.

The good news is that she is getting therapy. Hopefully they will figure out she is probably over compensating for her losses and somehow keeping him dependent on her since she may fear she will never have another baby and wants him to stay young. The longer he is in structured school, the more he will want to have successes on his own.

She will not be able to hold him back. He will fight this eventually if he mentally able to.

Also we do not know what types of test or diagnosis he has been given so maybe there is something she has not shared with you.

If you can no longer stand it, maybe you need to give yourself a break with this friendship, or you could be gentle when you share your observations. This could lead to her distancing herself from you, so be prepared. It is hard to be told we are not "parenting the right way" "Or that someone thinks we are the cause of a problem our child is having."
Many times this does not go well.

I don't think anyone mentioned this point but you but it is a BIG point - this child's sibling died! That must have a huge impact on the way she deals with the living sibling.
I am sure that there was fear of losing this little one or even just cherishing this life in a way that she might not even understand because of the loss of the other. She maybe poured her grief into this child.

She may be coddling and maybe she isn't but i think maybe if you ask questions and have discussions about how this child learns, grows etc, that will give you a better understanding of the situation. It is always better to seek to understand before being understood.

That being said, i definitely think your heart is in the right place and you want the best for both of them.

I don't think you're being an arse. My question to you though is- why now? When he first started walking, why didn't you ask her about the hand holding? why didn't you ask why she was putting toys in his hand and not letting him move to them? It is not likely that her behavior "caused" his disorders, but she may be engaging in certain behaviors because of the disorders.

If she is truly your friend, then she should feel comfortable discussing her parenting with you. You don't want to be accusatory or telling her she is doing it wrong, just talk to her. I am sure you discuss your parenting style with other mothers, why wouldn't she discuss parenting with you? You may find that she is doing certain things because it was suggested to her by a therapist. If you understand why she is reacting as she does, it may ease your discomfort.

Many people have already said what I would say.

I just wanted to relate that I had a friend who totally coddled her firstborn. If he made the slightest noise she was dropping everything to rush to his side. He could not sleep through the night for three years and she would stay up and hold him. There was nothing wrong with him, she just believed that being a good parent meant you were there for their every need. I choked back my comments when she would complain about how tired she was from sitting up all night with him. She refused to let him cry for a moment ever.

Her child is now five and he's perfectly "normal" (if there is such a thing). He goes to preschool, he sleeps through the night, he's not overly demanding, in fact he's a sweet, loving little boy.

So while your friend isn't doing what you would do, and it's hard to stand by while you see her doing things that you see could be enabling the situation, she is doing the best she can. The most important thing is she's doing it with love. I'm sure her son couldn't ask for more than that.

Hello, I'm sorry that she is annoying you with her treatment of her son. She may have caused some of his problems or maybe he already had them and she was treating him the only way she knows how. Either way, she didn't cause his actual disease. She has him in a special preschool and they will help her to find ways to help him. I would let her do what she feels necessary to help he son. Some people deal with things differently than others. We have a special needs grandchild that we treat (for the most part) just like the rest of the grandkids. That's our way. She is also in a special needs preschool and they are very helpful.
K. K

Everyone that is so sure you are being insensitive just because the medical establishment has labeled her child is being harsh. Sensory integration disorder and selective mutism are not purely genetic disorders. Did she cause all his problems--probably not. Did her behavior toward him since birth--when the poster has been involved in her life --help him developmentally--no.

i don't think you're an arse. i understand completely where you're coming from.
that being said, don't 'gently confront' her any more. seriously.
i almost lost a friendship over my irritation with a dear friend for her incessant coddling/helicoptering/micromanaging her child. our love for each other, my sincere apology, and my commitment to keeping my opinions to myself, salvaged the situation. but feeling as if i had to speak my piece was a very poor decision on my part.
if she solicits your advice, give it in a tactful, loving way. if she doesn't, grit your teeth and walk away. and try to structure your friendship so you can enjoy her one-on-one.
khairete
S.

Um....yes.

If it was that easy to identify the cause of Sensory Integration Disorder or Selective Mutism, don't you think we'd know about it by now?

Parents are different. Kids are all different. Parenting styles are different.

I'd stay out of it. You probably do things that bug her too.

Hi, I think the term insensitive is not true. You care about your friend and her little boy. If the little boy has shown signs of integration disorder and selective mutism, it isn't because he became that way due to his mom. The mom new something wasn't right, because she is the boys mom. Just like we know our kids with their weak points and strong points. It's hard for her I'm sure. If you can, try to be more comforting with her. If you see yourself getting annoyed with her actions, best to stay away from her and see them less often. That way, you save your friendship with her. Why lose that?
best of luck.

As another mother of a special needs child I will second everything Gail M. said. We constantly blame ourselves or think what we've done wrong, etc. etc. etc. We beat ourselves up more than anyone else could. We feel isolated as we know no one understands as prior to children we were the same way thinking "Gosh, control your child." However when you have a special needs child of your own you realize how ignorant you were to judge others without knowing what they truly are going through. Feeling judged daily and trying to make life 'normal' for your whole family is taxing and as I said before, many times isolating. Please be a friend in the best way you can.

I think for posters to tell you to shut your mouth and other rude comments that were made are a little harsh. You didn't claim to be the authority on raising kids, you asked a question. I agree with one of the moms that posted earlier that you can be genetically predisposed to certain things but that doesn't mean you will get them.. I think that the mom's behavior (based on what you said it's been since day one) would have something to do with his status now. Why wouldn't it? If you have certain genes you can turn out to be a serial killer, if you have the "right" kind of parents its almost certain the kid will be violent, why would it not be the other way around? There's a chance my daughter might have ADHD, and social anxiety disorder and I'm doing everything I can to make her feel confident in her abilities, not doing everything I can to "help" her not feel inferior. I'm going to teach her that some things aren't fun but we have to do them.. I can relate to how you feel because just your description of the mom's coddling (pre diagnosis) irks me, I have a brother that is 19 and pretty much worthless and that's how he got that way (my mom had 2 miscarriages and feared she wouldn't have another kid after me). So to answer your question, no you are not being insensitive, I might not say anything more without the mom bringing it up but you have every right to your opinion and to those who say the mom couldn't have caused this, I don't see any "PhD" behind names and there's no way to know. Accept that things are the way they are and try to go from there.. good luck!

dont say anything, eventually the child will expect his mother to do absolutely everything for him, ( ever wiped a 10 years bottom before, not a pretty picture, huh ?) if you say anything, she will turn on you. dont challenge her behavior, because she made this choice herself. just let her keep doing everything for him and eventually she will wrench her back picking him up and carrying him around, getting annoyed with her will only re enforce the behavior, you wont really know the extent of the childs problems as long as the mother is doing everything for him, maybe the child isnt truly delayed but you wont know for certain as as her mother is right there.
K. h.

Updated

dont say anything, eventually the child will expect his mother to do absolutely everything for him, ( ever wiped a 10 years bottom before, not a pretty picture, huh ?) if you say anything, she will turn on you. dont challenge her behavior, because she made this choice herself. just let her keep doing everything for him and eventually she will wrench her back picking him up and carrying him around, getting annoyed with her will only re enforce the behavior, you wont really know the extent of the childs problems as long as the mother is doing everything for him, maybe the child isnt truly delayed but you wont know for certain as as her mother is right there.
K. h.

Be careful. It is soooo easy to judge from the other side of the pond... You obviously don't have a special needs child. Do I think your an insensitive arse? No, just an uneducated one (as it relates to this topic at least).

Jennifer U said it very well. I do not think you should say anything unless you want to end the friendship.

Hope you can work past this and be there for your friend and if not, simply reduce your time with her.

I think a lot of first time parents (especially older ones, and those who have had failed pregnancies or losses) are consummed by their childs every move. I think my huband and I were. Then we had our second child and I realized we needed to chill. There is an old saying, "You can't see the forest through the trees" She is so close to the situation she can't see how she is stifling his growth. There is a series of books, here is a link to the 4 year old book, http://www.amazon.com/Your-Four-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ame... there is one for ages up to like 14. It is an excellent resourse and gives advice on what is common at ages and how children respond to certain issues showing a typical range and differences between girls and boys behaviors. It gave me ideas and tools that were very helpful to me as a parent to better understand what I could expect from my 4 year old etc. Some of us have better instincts, are more familiar by being around small children often before we have our own. It is a quick read but full of very helpful information. If you get the book at the store or library maybe you could tell her you found this great book that helped you with some of your challenges and let her borrow it. You can buy it used for less than $2 bucks.

I re-read your post and looked into the diagnosis you mentioned for her child. If I understand you correctly, your feeling is that Mom is holding on a bit to tight to let him fully emerge as his own little person, and your concern is that her behavior and depth of love is feeding into his dissorder and making it more severe? By your description I would agree. I also agree with almost all of what Gail M. said below, but I want to add that as parents we all LOVE our kids, and like the movie Nemo our depth of LOVE can sometimes be counter productive to a childs development. No matter what the struggles may be we as parents want to FIX IT and the best thing we can do for our kids is enable them to fix things themselves. At age 3 my daughter started having tics and showing very strong OCD tendencies. As "Good" parents we took her to the pediatrician he said it looked like Turrets Syndrom, we went to another pediatrician, ran EEG's blah, blah, blah, blah..... through all of this I met a women who I swear was an Angel sent from God. She pointed out to me how out of love and a concern for safety, my husband and I were totally trying to control everything in our daughters life. This is what I meant above about not seeing the forest through the trees. Our concern for safety had led to her repeating the words "never touch a spider, never touch a snake,"...... Excessive hand washing.... We needed to chill the good news is we did and she no longer has any sign of tics or ocd. We as parents can get in our own way at times. My angels advice and the book I mentioned above were instrumental in us allowing our daughter to bloom into the easy going, funny little fairy she has become at age 8.

I can understand your frustration... I would see her behavior as hindering too - and I'd wonder that if she hadn't behaved this way from birth, would he still have those issues he needs special education for?

She seems to have gone beyond helicopter parenting... and now her son really does need this attention, whether due to grooming or genetics - who knows.

As others have said - if you want to continue being friends, critiquing her parenting skills would probably end the friendship. If you don't think you can stand by and watch her coddle and hold back her child... maybe you should look for more friends.

***Added***

I wanted to remind you ladies... severe neglect can cause major mental and neurological disorders. So what do you think the complete opposite extreme can do? Not everything is genetic only, many have the genetic possibility but are triggered by nurture or environmental triggers. The brain and body are very resilient, but even that resilience has a boundary in each opposite extreme that when breached, causes issues within the body and brain.

This is so heartbreaking. I don't think you're being insensitive at all. You want what's best for your friend's son, and having his mother cripple him is certainly not best for him.

That said, I completely understand why your friend is so overly involved. I cannot fathom the heartache of losing a child and what that would do to me psychologically. If she hasn't already, your friend needs to see a grief counselor.

In the meantime, find a book about empowering your child and give it to her with a recommendation that you loved it and thought it had some really great strategies that YOU are going to use. If you don't make it about her, she might be more willing to give it a shot. And seeing other people's stories of the negative effects of limiting their kids might help her see what she's doing to her little boy.

If none of this works, you may have to schedule time with just the two of you. Best of luck to you. You're a great friend!

When my oldest child was small, I had a neighbor who behaved just like that, and her son was 8 at the time. (It was her only child, as well.) She even bought him toddler toys, like the shape sorter, "because that's what he likes to play with." She insisted that he was "slow" and incapable of doing anything for himself, and when she was around, he acted that way. It was really creepy. I discovered, though, that when his mother wasn't around, he was a perfectly capable and articulate child, who acted age appropriately. He knew what his mom wanted, so he gave it to her. He'd figured out that other people wouldn't cater to him that way, and even that it turned them off. I'm willing to bet that your friend's child will discover something similar.

Some parents only feel like good parents if they're doing things for their kids that the kids can do for themselves. It makes them feel needed to cut up an 11 year old's food or clean a teenager's bedroom for them. Personally, I think that behavior does EVERYONE a disservice.

Some kids just LOVE having everything done for them, but even those kids eventually figure out that it's not adorable to be asking, "Will you open these cookies for me?" at 16. Either that, or they find friends and spouses who have overdeveloped caretaking senses, and will spoil them.

Yeah I think you're being insensitive, but everyone's entitled to their feelings/opinions.
This woman was probably hanging on for dear life with this child, and is now having to deal with it. She also may be feeling extreme guilt over her choices as a parent so far, but continues with the behavior because it's all she knows.
Obviously she is trying with going to therapy and making sure her child is in the appropriate school. It sounds like her heart is in the right place but she hasn't gotten it all figured out yet. He's 4, be glad she's recognizing some of the things now, rather then passing them off.
Everyone makes parenting mistakes, and no one ever has it completely figured out. No one is a perfect parent. If you can't be there for your friend, and accept who she is as a parent then end the friendship.
Just my opinion...good luck.

You are her friend. You are not insensitive. All you can do is be there when she realizes what she has done. Be there to support her.
When they do come over, don't talk about the child. Talk about her and other topics. Ignore the behavior -- yes, I know it's almost impossible.
If the child is in a special school, they are all over it. They've seen it all and they will deal with it.
You might meet her for lunch - without the children. This might help you reconnect on a different level. Go shopping. Whatever... you know? Just leave the kids at home with dad.
I have a cousin who coddled her child - fortunately, he was in day care because she had to work - so he developed at a normal rate. What did happen, though, was that he learned very early on how to manipulate his mother. To this day, (he is a sophomore in college and abroad for the term) all he has to do is whine, and he gets anything he wants. This is not healthy. She never told him no.... Not good!!
Just be there to support your friend.
LBC

Be her friend. She had a long road of infertility then lost a virtually full term baby and a life that she thought was going to have 2 babies in it. She is scared to death of losing him. He is her world as our children are ours. She has suffered what we or anyone should ever have to suffer. You have a right to your feelings but try not to let them frustrate you. Remember why she acts this way and if she is seeking therapy, she already knows she is fearful and is scared...if it never changes her ways with her child, that is her way of dealing. If you have an issue, try to distract your own thoughts into something positive or maybe try not to see her as much if you realize you can't be supportive. The hoensty in this relationship may not help because this is her way of reacting to loss and pain not a choice on her part.

good luck to you..I know you are saddened and frustrated because otherwise you would not seek out assistance. If this were an "average" situation I would have a far different answer as I know that some parents are hyper sensitive...

Without living in her home and spending time with her and her child 24/7/365, you truly have no idea if your perceptions of your friend's parenting and her child's special needs are correct. Not having a special needs child of your own you can't possibly understand the patience, the time, the dedication, the accommodations that must be made during all interactions. It's not your fault that you're insensitive about it and being judgmental. You just can't imagine it until you live it.

But you could try being a bit more compassionate. Don't ever, ever criticize her parenting or voice your theories that her parenting caused her child's disabilities in any way. Because if you told me that I caused my daughter's Autism, that I caused her Anxiety Disorder, her Sensory Processing Disorder, her global learning delays in spite of all of the intensive therapies and services I've given her and that she's received, I would probably rip your arm off and beat you over the head with it out of sheer frustration.

Neurological disorders of this nature are not caused by what you think is poor parenting. What you're describing of this poor woman is a compassionate, attentive, loving mother who is aware of her child's needs and is gently encouraging. What you're suggesting by letting him fend for himself like any other neuro-typical child just doesn't work for special needs kids. That's why they're special needs, because typical parenting and typical methods don't work for them, their needs are different and specialized.

If you're too busy comparing parenting styles, if you're too busy thinking about how you would parent her child as opposed to how she's doing it, then you're going to lose out on a good friendship for yourself and your own children. Your children will lose a lifetime chance to learn compassion and knowledge and acceptance and tolerance early on.

As someone who suffered years and years and years of infertility I can relate to your friend. Emotionally unless you have been through all of this you don't know how it feels and how hard it is on us as moms. I know I was very coddling and over protective of my only daughter and did way too much for her, for too long. In hindsight I kind of regret that...or not regret but wish I would have not done so much for her, for so long.

In my opinion it is nearly always best to keep your opinions to youself regarding other friend's parenting style unless asked.
It might help if you offered her some reading material on the subject so you can feel like you offered her information without her being insulted. But as the child's mother, she loves him more then words, so I bet she is doing what she feels is right. In my opinion it's really not possible to show your baby/child too much love, I'm sure he will overcome his shortcomings in the end.
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If she is truly a dear friend, just love and accept her for who she is. Right
now she does not need anyone telling her what she is doing wrong.

I have no suggestions for you, but I just wanted to say that I am completely with YOU on this one. She's not doing this kid any favors in the long run...

Nothing you can do about it.

I don't know much about special needs kids, but I'll never forget a time when my kids were in a co-op preschool, and I was telling a mom about how her daughter, who had some minor disability, had cut out something from a piece of paper. She shrieked at me, in true Mommy Dearest style, "SHE CAN'T USE SCISSORS!!!" She meant "can't" as in "unable," although the little girl had actually managed to use the scissors perfectly well.

Anyway, I've always wondered how that little girl turned out.