D.B.
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THE PERPETRATOR:
My 4 1/2 year old son became part of a blended family (Me and him, my husband and his three kids)
It's been a huge struggle for him to adapt. As a single mother, my son did not have the priveledge of being raised by me, but by a money hungry coorporate owned daycare. When he spent time with me, it was extremely structured. It was only 2 hours a night before he had to go to bed. My son can't adapt to change and cannot cope with the fact that he is not the only child in the house anymore.
THE CRIME:
In his 3 hour morning Pre-K class he refused to listen to the teacher, sat in circle time with his butt facing the teacher and his legs in the air. He refused to change activities or even go to the playground. In fact, the teacher had to carry him out to the playground. He kept screaming that he didn't want to sit on the bench, he just wanted to play...though there was no mention of him sitting on a bench in time out. He know's what he did wrong, and what kills me is that every morning after a hug and kiss goodbye, I REITERATE....."Make good choices, be a good boy and listen to your teacher". Why all this attention getting defiance?
THE PUNISHMENT:
His punishment has been the silent treatment, just feed him. I am also keeping him from school for a day, after explaining to him that he can't go to school because he was being bad and made bad choices. I hope it works, but I don't want to ruin his perfect attendance either!
FYI: My son sees an in-home child behavior specialist once a week and has been since august of last year.
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If you're working with a therapist already, I would definitely tap his/her expertise on all of this. Our son has ADHD and we work with a behavioral therapist regularly. He always has great ideas for ways to handle any behavioral challenges that go beyond what you'd find in mainstream parenting books. I wouldn't hesitate to call the specialist you're already dealing with each week.
Also, contact your local school district office and ask for an evaluation by the district psychologist. You can get this as young as age three under law. You may gain some additional suggestions, as well as special accommodations in school that can minimize his behavior issues.
Best of luck!
Silent treatment is cruel. He needs more love,attention and reinforcement that he is loved and special in your eyes. His world has been turned upside down and strangers have been brought into his family. He is only 4 years old. He is not dealing with logic. He is dealing with emotion and feeling very lost in this world you have created for him. Focus on his positives....carve out time to just be with him. You are right..he already knows what he is doing at preschool is wrong. But he gets lots of negative attention by doing it. Ignore the bad behavior. Validate in only a few words that you understand life is hard with new man in the house and new siblings. Then state "I know you are going to have a great day at school. After school let's do something special together. What would you like to do together? Now how do I expect you to act at school?" Once he tells you two things he should do then you say "Yes, that is right! I expect you to do A and B. Then we can do the special activity we talked about!" Give him a hug and kiss and tell him how proud you are of him and you look forward to your special time with him.
We are in the process of a two part seminar at my children's elementary school given by a child behaviorist. He has helped our family so much. I have seen amazing results with my kids by simply staying positive, not talking or lecturing but simply asking them to state what I expect and then saying "That is right. I know you can do it. Once you do it then we will do something special together." Immediate rewards are so gratifying to them...and it could be a hug..tickling...reading a story together...eating a popsicle together etc. Not something huge...but a pretty immediate reward of time together.
Good luck and best wishes.
First -- good for you for having him seeing a professional to deal with things; however, it's been over a year with this professional and still there are problems like this? Maybe it's time for some parenting counseling. Here's why:
Keeping him home from school may seem like a reward to him, not a punishment. It sends him this message, though you don't mean for it to: "MIsbehave at school and you get to stay home." That gives him what he really wants -- his own private time at home, with you. If he adored school to pieces it would be punishment but it just isn't. Next time he'll figure "If I do this at school, I'll get to stay home again, hooray!"
The silent treatment -- others have addressed this. It's not wise. He won't really "get it." It also means you are not discussing with him what went wrong and why his behavior is a problem. Where does the silent treatment stop in this case? When a certain amount of time has passed? When he has apologized? Does he know what to apologize for? What will you do when he chooses to give you the silent treatment next time he's cross with you or doesn't want to talk about something that happened to him at school? You can't have open lines of communication if the silent treatment is acceptable -- on your side or his. The questions could go on. Please talk to his specialist about this punishment; I think you'll find he or she will say it's not the way to change your son's behavior for the better.
Please get some family therapy going as well as your son's individual behavior therapy. It sounds like your blended family could use some help jump-starting better relations among the kids and some help dealing with jealousies -- surely your husband's kids are also having some issues with sharing dad with you and another child?
It sounds like he needs more attention - not the silent treatment. He needs to know you love him, not hear that he is bad. Fitting in to a new family (that he did not chose) is a huge change and he needs to know you will always be there for him. I would NOT punish him - I would spend more time with him, ideally doing fun things and regular everyday things (setting the table together, making dinner, putting things away, reading books, playing) so that he gets positive attention from you.
Have you spoken to the pre-K teacher? What does she see as the issues and how does she propose handling them? Pre-K is supposed to be FUN - it is setting up a child to succeed in school and learn to LOVE learning. Staying home from school is not/should not be punishment. BTW - it is not a big deal if a preschooler has perfect attendance. Wouldn't you want the other kids to stay home when they are sick so they don't infect your son?
I have two 4.5 year olds, so I feel your pain. I'm struggling with how to say what I want to, because I don't want this to come across the wrong way... so here goes:
I don't think that the silent treatment is a good idea for a child the age of your son. He's just not old enough to handle it and understand. If he's going through a really difficult time dealing with the blended family, he needs more of you, not less of you. I completely understand that you need to make him aware of consequences when he misbehaves, but how about reversing the cycle by rewarding him for good behavior and basically ignoring the bad? He's already been punished at school and doesn't need to be punished twice. A very good book is 1-2-3 Magic. It's helped me learn to deal with misbehavior in a very non judgemental way.
You mention that your child can not adapt to change and can not accept the fact that he's not the only child anymore. But his life has just majorly changed. He probably needs some assistance in adapting. Does he understand that his mom will still always be there for him? Do the two of you still spend time together - just the two of you? I'm sure it's hard to blend two families... and you have to focus on four kids instead of one... but if your little guy is struggling, you may need to relax the standards a little and spend more time cuddling on the couch so that he feels like his world isn't spinning out of control. A therapist is a good idea if you think he needs that kind of professional attention. Overall, though, it sounds like your son is acting out because he's overwhelmed and lost. You can help him get through this... you really can. Good luck!
