My Fiance Thinks I'm on Vacation

I just got married on August 12. I am having the same problem that you are. I am a mom of two and i stay at home looking to do exactly what you are doing in real estate. My husband thinks that i am just at home and that i do nothing. When i buy things he doesnt understand. They have no clue what we go through. My son if my first child and was not his but i worked two jobs and went to school after having him. I got my degree and worked til i had my daughter. Then we decided that day care was to expensive, so i stayed at home. But i understand you, guys have no clue what happens to us when we have kids. You can vent to me, i'll listen

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Hi,
I know it feels a little better to be able to talk about it. My husband is kinda selfish and doesn't really get what it is that I have to deal with on a daily basis.
So, my advise to you is for you to show him what you do. You say you love him and he's a good man. So,I think he's just a little uneducated as to the stress of being a mom.
Here's what you do.

First just talking to him or explaining it does NOT work with men. All they hear is blah, blah, blah I'm not happy. Which freaks them out and they just tune you out even further.

Men are very concrete thinkers. You really have to show them. Your man runs his own business so I assume he can take off for one day. Believe me, it should only take him one full day.
But, this plan can be lengthened to one week if he's a little hard to convince.

You must have him stay home with the baby by himself for a least 8 hours or more. Sign up for a class or conference for your work that you absolutely can't miss. Pay for it in advance so he won't want you to loose the money. It really has to be something legitimet not you doing something fun for you.

Next, layout everything for him. Bottles, diapers, bib, extra clothes in case of a blow out. Then, put one load of dirty baby clothes in a bushel in front of the washing machine and ask him as you walking out the door if he can just throw those clothes in the washer and dryer. FYI: Don't really expect them to get washed.

Next, be very grateful. Oh, thank you honey, Are you sure you'll be OK? I'll be home at 4,5,6 what ever time. I say this because 1.you get more flies with honey and 2.he really thinks how hard can this be she does it all the time and I'm a man I can do anything she can do.

When you get home again be very gracious, but look him staight in the eye and say how was it? And don't let him look away because he will lie and say it was easy.If he has to look you in the eye it will be hard for him to deny that he was stressed.

Now, you will get from 3-6 months of sympathy from him until his mouth will get him into trouble again. Then you know what to do. It will be time for daddy's day or a just the boys day again.

Now, I know you all think this is a little manipulative. Believe me, it is not. Dad's really do need to care for their children once in a while and it helps them to understand their kids, love their kids, and respect their kids' mom for all she does for them.

He, like my husband may still moan and complain but I now just suggest that I might have a day were he might have to watch the kids and boy, his socks just magically got into the hamper from the floor.

Again, you can't just tell or talk to men you really need to show them in a non-confrontational way. Hope this helps.

My husband used to think the same thing, and I kinda think he still does although I've made every effort to get him to realize raising a baby is HARD. We had such a good relationship before we had our son (who's 5 months old). Then he turned into such a jerk, I couldn't believe it. I felt the same way you did. I was relentless in getting him to understand what I was and am still going through. The fact that every aspect of my life changed, and I mean every aspect, as you know. The only thing that changed for him was that there was a baby in the house when he came home and usually asleep. I don't think men really understand what it's like to be a full time mother who works from home (I work from home too). He has gotten a lot better in the last few weeks, and I think it's from me not giving up on making him realize my side of things. That of course led to many fights, but I feel they were worth it because he seems to understand more. Make sure you communicate how your feeling otherwise you will end up being too resentful. Telling him how you're feeling is the best way to deal with it. Also, go out with your friends for the day and leave your baby with him so he gets a taste of what it's like. Good luck

N., I totally understand! Although I am not a SAHM, when I was on maternity leave, I had absoloutely NO help from my son's dad. I went out of work three weeks before my son was born and from the first day he wasn't around. He stayed at the hospital during the time after our son was born and the day after we got home, he was gone again. I did everything for my son, he never offered to help, didn't even come over on the weekends when he was off from work but I didn't bother to tell him how I felt. I remember one day that he did come to get JJ, he wanted to take my three-week old son to one of his buddy's house to watch a football game, and the guy smokes!! I was on fire that day. Right before I went back to work I had to sit him down and talk to him. I told him that although he works and is often tired, raising a child is not easy. When JJ turned 8 weeks, the week before I had to go back to work, I let him keep him overnight. He called me every 10 minutes until around 2 o'clock in the morning! He didn't know what this was for, what to do with that, where's this....I was laughing so hard when telling this to his mom. When he dropped the baby off, he apologized for not being there and to this day, he has no problem with keeping our son. Sometimes we think that men should just understand but they don't, we have to help them along. Let him know how you feel and that not only do you not appreciate his remarks that you need him to help! We try to make things easy on these guys but they are fathers as much as we are mothers. He needs to pitch in too!
Hope this helps,
M.

Ok....I am having a really hard time reading your request...How dare he talk to you that way....You are working more and even harder than he will ever!!!!!You deserve to be treated with respect, and if he cant do that , well, then he is not the man for you...Yeah he has givin you a beautiful baby, but that is no reason to put up with his behavior....My husband works two full time job...I used to bring the $ home, and now he has too....I work two nights a week, and I babysit here and again, but I dont make the $ i used too...believe me when I say....MY HUSBAND LOVES THAT I STAY HOME WITH OUR BABY!!!!!!He misses the $$$$ coming in, but has never ever questioned the fact of me ever buying anything, doing anything, and has never put me down!!!!He know what it is like to be home and keeping the house clean, and getting up with the baby at night....from the beginning i told him he can switch positions...I would work, and him stay home...He said no....so, he made the choice...lol...And by the way you are working 5 jobs...Baby, real estate, house, fiance, and yourself...so tell him to get over it, and stop complaining. You are doing a great job!!!!!

The only way he can truly understand what you do all day is to share in the responsibility.

N.-
You are doing an amazing job. Always keep that in front of your mind.
That said, if you and your fiance are in a committed relationship and have a child together you should be raising the child together. Both parents need to be involved and responsible for childrearing - regardless of who is brining in th larger paycheck. So, his life needs to change, too - he should have responsibilities for child care and late nights as much as you do. You are BOTH this boy's parents.
Maybe it would help you to come to some sort of financial agreement with your fiance so that you don't feel beholden and you are on firm footing until you are married. I know it is hard - but you can't be the only one bearing the burden of your family and new lifestyle.
Good luck-
E.

Tell him to walk in your shoes for a couple of days. And he will see.

Hi N.,

I can empathize with you. I have been a work-at-home (part-time) mom for the past 1.5 years, and I am still having trouble adjusting to my new role. Before I got married, I was a very independent person. By age 25, I had a career, a new car, a mortgage and vacations and was finishing my graduate degree on my own. Now, I rely on my husband for the great majority of our income, and I am home alone with our two girls. Our first child was in day care for a few months before we realized that it just was not worth it--the time, stress, and money of day care (in our situation). In my experience, being a SAHM is a lot tougher than I ever imagined.

Fortunately, my husband realizes this and is extremely supportive. He never questions a purchase I make (even though I always feel guilty for spending money on myself). I've realized that as much as I love my children and feel fortunate to have the opportunity to be home with them, I miss my independence, disposable income, free time, pre-baby body, etc. This is an issue that I deal with daily and that we are trying to deal with as a couple. Your life/identity/body have completely changed. It can be very difficult to adjust and even more so when you don't have support.

My advice is to talk to your fiance about how you are feeling. Would you consider counseling? It is extremely important that you and your fiance are on the same page about parenting, finances, and each partner's role in the family before you get married. In my opinion, when you are a family, you are a team--there is no "my money" or "your money." Someone wise gave me a good piece of advice. By your staying home, you are making a sacrifice for your family. You are raising your child according to your family's beliefs/morals, you are saving the family money, and you are enabling your fiance to live his dream and grow his business. YOUR sacrifice is affording him great opportunities. He needs to realize this and appreciate what you are doing for your family. Talk, talk, talk about this. Once you work through this and are on the same page, you will be off to such a stronger start in your marriage. Best of luck!

Laury

N.,
I am soon to be SAHM, I guess I got lucky finding my hubby, in the 8 years we've been married, there has been switching roles, sometimes, I brought home the "bacon", and other times it was him, or sometimes both. I have always wanted to be a SAHM, but it only seemed to work out if I was expecting...then I'm too tired, irritable, sick to do anything. At the beginning of this year, my husband was working a job that was barely paying, I had just had my youngest in Dec. I really wanted to stay home, (he was the first boy) We were barely making ends meet, so I went looking after a month , I found a job that payed more than his, so he quit, and I began to work. I personaly don't like daycare, so he had the kids while I worked, during training was a 3-11 shift, then I began my typical overnight 11-7. I always worked that shift, so I don't miss the kids growing up, and work at the same time.
It took him 3 months before he finally got a better paying job, we've both been working for the last 8 months, I am getting so drawn, always tired, since the baby is beginning to do everything, and getting into everything I can't get my "nap", so I go back into work exhausted! Since we are doing good with just his income, we decided that I quit mine, and become a SAHM...YEAH!!!
Sorry to be so long, but back to the point. My hubby made the comment when I first went back to work..."Wow, you are so awesome, I can't do this like you can, keep the kids happy, house clean, laundry done, and meals prepared...I am the luckiest man in the world...I love you!" I thought that maybe he got his job, as an excuse, just so he didn't have to stay home, and was able to leave the house without kids, diaper bags, and strollers! Much luck, and you'll have to do the little experiment, go out for a day...and have him take care of the baby! Believe me, it will open his eyes!
S.

N.,
I'm a stay at home mom too. I was in the medical field and held 2 positoins at my last job. In 2004, my fiance(now husband), told me I had to choose between my job or him(he was tired of me being stressed 24/7). So I gave up my job, and after a year I was ready to go back to work. However we found out I was pregnant. So needless to say when we weighed all the pros and cons, we decided it was best for me to stay home.
At times, my husband will joke about "have to go to work, some of us have to work around here", but he's joking, and I know it. He has already admitted that if I went back to work, and he stayed home, he couldn't handle it. Plus the money I'd make would go to daycare for my infant and before/after school for my son. Daycare is so expensive, my whole check would've been going to daycare. Plus, why have someone else raise your child, if you are able to stay home yourself.
My husband drives truck, and makes decent money. At times, it's rough, but we make our ends meet, and pay the bills. We don't live beyond our means. And I'm sure your husband probably makes more than mine does. And even though you do stay home, you deserve to have clothes that fit, time out with friends. Just because you are home, doesn't mean you're not working.
Tell your fiance, if he thinks it's so easy being at home, on his next day off, he can stay home with the baby. That since he thinks you are on vacation and don't deserve new things, he can stay home and you are going away for the day. My bet is if he agrees to that, and does it, he'll appreciate you more. Guys just think it's so easy to stay home all day with the kids. It's not, and I've been doing it since 2004.
Have to go to the bus stop. Hope this helpes.
A.

OKAY I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE ON SOMETHING. MEN HAVE NOOOO CLUE WHAT IT IS TO RAISE A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that I said that, I agree, he has nerve giving you grief over buying something. My husband would not dare to that to me, I would shoot right back with it.

Don't let him make you feel bad. Remember you could always go back to work and the expense of daycare would return. Just remind him of that one.

N.,

I feel for you. As a SAHM I am much more busy than I ever was - even when I worked two jobs or when I was in school. Being a mom - SAHM or otherwise - is a 24/7 job. It is my experience that dads generally don't put in the same hours (no disrespect to dads - just my observation).

I also have a husband who doesn't get it. He is such a good husband and father in so many ways, but doesn't understand how much time and effort I put into taking care of our home and our children. Our house is not spotless and our kids are sometimes in their pj's all day, but diapers, feedings, teaching right from wrong, kissing boo-boos, building self-esteem, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, scheduling repairmen, grocery shopping, coordinating family functions, preparing for the holidays, etc takes up a lot of time. Some of those tasks may not seem necessary to him but they add to our quality of life and that is important to me. I think if I didn't add those little touches he would notice and miss them. Sometimes when he complains I start singing "Mr. Mom" (by Lonestar, I think). I breaks up the tension with a little bit of humor.

Spending money has always been an issue with us. He usually doesn't complain when I shop, but when he is cranky he seems to have each purchase recorded in his head - then I hear about them. Mind you, we don't live extavagantly, I do most of my shopping at discount stores, and we accept a lot of hand-me downs. He just needs to feel he has control. I pick my battles and decide which fights are worth pursuing, but some I choose to let pass. I am not necessarily suggesting you follow this. You need to do what you are comfortable with.

I wish I had more advice on how to turn your situation around, but I haven't been able to turn my own around. I think for my husband to truly understand by "walking in my shoes" it would have to be for an extended period of time and I'm not willing to be gone from the kids for that long. lol However, I hope it helps to know that there are a lot of men out there like yours. You do deserve to feel good about yourself. You do deserve to have nice things. Moms deserve a little pampering now and then for all the pampering we provide to our families.

L.

I have to admit your situation is a bit harder. It sounds like you live together, have a baby together, but because you are not married yet, live separate lives. You take care of your son and work on your business and your fiance has his own life of work and play. You both need to sit down and decide what the deal is for your lives. Are you going to be together or apart? Because to be together you have a lot to accomplish as a couple. Being engaged is not the same as being married, by any means. There isn't the same committment there that you have with marriage, it's always easy to use not being married as an excuse to easily leave the relationship. There are no vows to hold your fiance to. There doesn't have to be some grandiose wedding either. Trust me!! You have what is really important and is worth all the money in the world, your son! You can go to the courthouse to make it legal. If you really want to marry each other, then it won't matter how you do it. Your finance needs to become active in the child rearing process or he is never going to appreciate the son he has and what life is really like as a responsible parent. Right now it sounds like your finances are separate, unless you both decide to combine them like you are already married. Having separate accounts and money is a situation that doesn't work well, especially if you are trying to have a life together and raise a child. You both need to evaluate whether you are positive you are going to get married and then work out a budget and get a joint account with checks with both of your names on them. Who is paying the bills? You need to work all of that out. Some people choose one person to do it, others do it together. My husband and I do ours togethers. And that's just the beginning. There are a ton of other responsibilities to work out as a couple. Who is going to cook, clean, which chores is each other doing? Just because you are at home doesn't mean you have to accept doing it all by yourself. He needs to be an active participant in the family and home.

Your fiance feels that you are on vacation because he just can't identify. Even though my husband has 4 kids and has helped in the caring and rearing of them and knows how hard it is, he still doesn't get that being at home is a full-time job for a woman. Men have linear thinking. Work is outside of the home to them. If you are not outside of the home, then you have off. And being off from work means relaxation to them. That's just the way it is. Men also need to have some sort of outlet and exercise or they get cranky. My husband was on 3 basketball leagues when I met him and he is older, divorced with 3 kids from his previous marriage. I got pregnant before we got married and it was really hard for us. It wasn't until we got married and then had our daughter that things really changed for us as a couple. I got up most of the time in the middle of the night, but if I really needed him he would and could do it. Plus he would rock her to sleep and stuff. He experienced everything I was going through as a first time mother and was really sensitive to that. The only reason he was that way though, was because he had been the way your finance acts, with his first wife and son. He was immature and too busy with his own career and hobbies to experience his son. He missed out on a lot of the beginning. And he knows that. But my husband went on to have more kids with his ex and to experience being there and doing more hands-on things. It's still hard sometimes with our daughter. He doesn't want to change her diaper and I'll tell him he has to do it. Eventually, he stopped playing as much basketball and focused more on us as a family. Really, only because there was no time. It was be with us or not be home and he decided that it was important to us as a family to be together. But, I also supported him in his activities and would go watch him play a basketball a lot of times. I would bring our daughter, which is a good compromise!! If you support him in what he does he will ultimately support your in what you do.

I hope this helps.

My husband has slowly come around. He used to freak out about laundry not being done and all, but its getting better. I really had to make him understand though. Between our 2 year old, our 3.5 month old, and the 20 month old that I watch, I am absolutely STRESSED! Everything is so busy, plus I go to school full time online. Our house is a fixer upper in need of fixing, so it NEVER stops.

My advice - be completely honest with him. If you haven't already, put it the way you did in your post. If it comes down to it, write it all out in a schedule. Take a couple of days, and write down what you do all day. (9:15 - 9:30: folded and put away one load of laundry, 9:30 - 10:00, fed, changed, and rocked the baby, etc.) I did this for a male friend of ours who constantly said to me "so...what is it you do all day". You should have seen the expression on his face. His only responce was "thank God guys don't have to stay home!".

I looked at it this way, it they understood, they wouldn't complain about it or say what they say, so I need to make them understand.

Good luck!

N.,
Your husband needs to see what you go thru on a daily basis. And YES YOU ARE WORKING TWO JOBS> And to work from home is not as easy as many people think. Which adds a THIRD. My husband learned that by working from our house for 3mths last year. He could not believe how hard it was to stay focused with what he had to do while having a child there. Most people think its a cake walk and it is not!!! I am lucky to have a husband that does understand NOW, yet then again he has not cooked a meal in 5yrs or cleaned or mowed the lawn etc!!!! He knows better then to complain :) because I was doing all this and taking care of our son and was making equal to him pay wise and sometimes more. But I never slept!!! or had any relief. You need support from him especially with a home based business. And support from any family or friends that are near. We have had many problems because as soon as I had my work going from home, there was no support from anywhere and that can be very hard. I can say I am sure you have done a wonderful and above job with your son. As for buying clothes etc. YOU NEED TO>>> you need to be comfortable and the ablity to be able to perform your work in the home and out of the home as needed. and he needs to understand that.

My solution.

1) Have your fiance take him for even a weekend morning for a few hours. He will see very quick.
2) When he gets home, have him do bath time!! Even if your doing the dishes or just taking a minute for yourself. It gives you a break and him a glimpse of reality of your life.
3)Give him extra portions of food and Shrink his clothes in the dryer :) !!! Let him see how it feels to have his clothes not fit the way the used to. It bothers men too!
4) atleast once, tell him, its your TURN. After almost 11mths with a colic baby I lost it. I told him I was going to bed and it was all him. After getting woken 5-6 times, rocking, changing diapers etc for even just one night his perspective changed.
Now I know some of this sound kinda "crass"
But some men need that. Especially if you are working from home. From my experience it is harder then out of the home. Do you worry about the laundry, dishes, vacuuming etc while your working? I used to have to have the house spotless before I worked if not I got distracted!!

With all this being said, I do have to say stick with your guns. A few years from now, you may not have the fanciest clothes, etc. But make sure you spend the time with your little one. It is worth more then any dollar can bring in. I was ready to leave and move back north a time ago. But I know it was the stress. My son has given me so many smiles and gratification with his development. It makes it all worth it.
But now after 3yrs my husband does understand. I do hope yours gets the message quickly.
R.