Emmy is 5 and last year we wanted to do the santa latter with her together but they did it 2 weeks before thanksgiving, we let it slide, we told them we were looking foward to it but it was ok, then they sent santa letters to all the 8 grandkids for the grandkids to open in front of their parents eyes (even my brothers kids---everyone reported back how great it was watching them). Emmy's letter they sent to their house and waited til they watched her alone so only they saw her open it. So this year I asked my ex if he wanted to start a tradition of meetting for hot cocoa and desert at a diner and going through the magazines and writing the letter all together. She loves when we have together time even if we're not "together" so this would be great for her. I asked that he tell his parents nicely that we want to do this for emmy and to refrain from writing the letter, and that we understand that they want to see emmy open the letter that santa sends back and we wouldnt take that away but to wait for us so we could be there too. They agree to it all and then they watch her for a few hours saturday night on his time with her and apparently do the santa letter with her. They tell my ex when he gets there and say oh it can J. be a practice letter. So hes upset but doesnt say anything b/c emmy was there, so he had to explain the whole rest of the night that it was a practice letter J. to make sure she got it right. She kept saying nooo they said it was the real thing, and finally said ok it was practice.
I'm so upset. they do things like this all the time. We had thanksgiving the last 7 years even the last 2 we were apart at the house her dad lives in and this year they said they were taking it back! and that they dont care if our daughter has to split her time, and now this thing. I'm J. completely upset that theyd do something we asked them not to on purpose two days later. Am i overreacting? This is so annoying because I go out of my way for them all the time. I still visit all the time and they have my daughter on xmas eve with her dad b/c they have a big party, and they have a traditon of all the kids opening presents from the aunts and uncles this day then his parents visit on christmas to give their presents (which seems sweet but its all about them, theyve come by and made emmy stop opening presents from santa so they could be on time for his brothers house before) so they J. asked M. if i'd stop by with emmy on xmas night so they could continue their tradition and I agreed. Now this tradtion does not bennefit emmy at all, she woul be J. as happy getting her presents xmas eve, so I'm so tempted to say i changed my mind after recent events and you will have to change your plans and do it xmas eve.
What are your thoughts? Should I J. let it slide again? Im so urt because there are only a few years when they believe and they are taking all of the special moments away
IN CASE ITS NOT CLEAR=) its my ex ---not husband, hes furious as well...very upset wants to email them a huge letter and thinks i should take away xmas day since thats somethnig that wonts affect emmy...i take her there quite often I take her to their house for dinner every thurday night, on the night my ex has her, i take her there b/c he lives close so they can see her before he gets out of work, theres so many ways i go above and beyond for them, but i cant take away that b/c i dont want to hurt emmy...but i feel they need some consequense
MUMFOREVER i agree somewhat its not about the letter, well it is, shes my only child, but mostly its that we asked them not to and told them what we planned they agreed lied and did it 2 days later...its not about the act its about the fact they chose to do something for themselves in spite of their granddaughter having joint special time with her parents since we'e not together--also as for them liking it,...they had 3 kids and 8 grandkids, they choose to do it for their selfish reasons not for emmys, its not their rght to do something parents ussually get to do, i did say as far as receiving the letter they could send it to their house and wait for us to read it, i dont want to cut them out, but i also want to have memories and tradtions of our own--its J. the disregard for our feelings and emmys that bothers M., they didnt do it for her they did it for them
Oh and as for more than one letter- if you knew my daughter youd know why this is hard, shes very much about the rules and bellieves in only sending one, we tried last year to send another, she said she already wrote everything with her grandparents and wouldnt even tell us what was in it, and said santa knew dont worry...oh and they didnt keep it or remember what she asked for...
Might be too late to plan for this year but next year - take her to Disney World for Christmas (don't tell the in-laws till the last minute) and then let them chew on that.
Since Theseare his parents do whatever he wants in regard to them. If they ask why, J. tell them that this is what HE ask you to do and you want to REPECT his wished, unlike other people we know in regards to christmas letters....
I think it's time for some good boundaries.
Work this out with your ex, not them. Let him be the 'heavy' on this. Explain to him what you told us, (when you aren't upset-- and you have every right to be), that you are feeling pushed out of some of the family traditions. Maybe even put it all on paper to see what 'looks' equitable.
When you mention that the g'parents are having Thanksgiving at their house, does this mean that you are not invited?
What really needs to happen is for your daughter's dad to explain to his own parents "You know, J. M. (don't know your name) and I made plans about the letter, which I explicitly made clear to you. You are not honoring my request to you. Do you understand that this affects not J. you and your granddaughter, but her entire family? This isn't about J. you and granddaughter, but about everyone's desire to spend some special time with Granddaughter. You are taking it away from both her mother and myself and I don't appreciate it."
If he is able to do this, and start setting boundaries with his folks, you'll all be better off.
After reading your added info, I would suggest your ex show up at their house in person and address this personally. My observation regarding letters/email attempts to correct a situation: they don't always work. Sometimes people decide they don't want to read the whole thing, and J. continue on in their own way. If he's willing to sit down with them, to let them see his genuine anger and not give them a chance to hide behind 'reasons' -- really put them on the spot to explain themselves-- this will likely be more proactive than using email or a letter. This is a hard conversation I would choose to have person-to-person. Their actually seeing how upset he is may make far more of an impact than an angry letter.
Ask your ex to agree not to allow the grandparents to have alone time with Emmy. Tell them when they can be trusted to keep their word, she can start staying by herself again.
Clearly, your former in-laws don't respect your wishes. If I were you, I'd no longer go out of my way for them. You don't owe them anything. I would let them know your plans for Christmas have changed and you and your daughter won't be spending it with them. Try to not let this ruin your holiday!
I'd be extremely upset as well. It IS about the letter...you don't have to act like it's J. about the big picture. It's about the letter, and a LOT of other little things, I imagine.
And I know how you feel...I remember the FIRST year I could afford to get my oldest an Easter basket (when she was four) so I asked my mother to please NOT get her one, because I was going to do it and I wanted it to be special. (Our children have never believed in Santa, the Bunny, the Fairy, whatever...they know gifts come from us.) Well, my mother went out and did her up a huge basket that was far more extravagant than the (still nice) one I put a lot of thought into...and it J. made M. cry, honestly.
It sounds like there are a lot of control issues in your ex's family, and considering you and he get along, are working together, and even HE thinks you ought to pull out...that's what I would do. At least for important things like holidays, etc. Those things are about family...and for us, since we've made them about IMMEDIATE family first, we've had much happier holidays.
I might defer to your ex on this one - as long as it doesn't affect your daughter. I honestly didn't follow the whole Christmas eve/night/morning back and forth between houses thing....
But try it your ex-husband's way - talk to him about how the one aspect of his plan would affect and hurt your daughter (which I'm sure he doesn't want to do) and find another way.
These are HIS parents y'all are dealing with - I'm sure he knows how to handle them.
Edit - I like A. C.'s idea... if your daughter was older I'd tell her that she isn't spending as much time or can't go to their house because they won't respect you and your ex as her parents. And you wouldn't let her spend time with ANYONE who doesn't respect your wishes when it comes to her. But, she's a bit too young to get that.
Is this question for real? You're put out over Grandparents writing Santa letters with their granddaughter?
I'll probably get reamed for this, but please, count your blessings, look at the glass half full, not half empty and grow up.
They clearly look forward to this tradition and put a lot of time into making it happen...so I would insist on joining them, not telling them "not to." j
I'd forgo doing what they wanted for Christmas time... Yeah, it's a bit tit for tat and somewhat passive aggressive - but I have a feeling they wouldn't change anything if directly questioned. You can tell that by their blatant disregard for your feelings about everything and their intentional disrespect. They need to know what it feels like!
i would be furious if my inlaws did this!. however they do, do something similar. every year my husband and i get my daughter an ornament for christmas. we have told my husbands parents not to buy personalized ornaments for her because that is something we started and only want to do for her. she has 4 1st xmas ones that they ordered even though they knew we bought her first one already. it makes us mad because its something we go over every year.
Stand your ground, mama!
Here is a quote from your post, "This is so annoying because I go out of my way for them all the time." You tried going the extra mile for these people and it didn't work so it's time to do something different.
Decide what's best for your daughter and do it. Stick to it, if your in-laws make plans that conflict with what you choose, simply opt out. No need to explain or try to make nice with your in-laws. Your daughter is your responsibility and she needs consistency, not confusion over something like a santa letter. Don't let this take those special moments away from you and your daughter.
Amanda C has the right idea here. Why is it necessary for them to watch her alone? If ex is working--you take her & vice-versa.
your lucky that your ex is with you on this one! Normally I would say it's important to have the grandparents in her life and to be the bigger person, but not w/ these people.
1st, if I'm reading your letter correctly - they did the letter w/ all the grandchildren, mailed the letter to the respective parents EXCEPT for your child? they J. opened up her letter w/ them alone but let all the other parents enjoy the event w/ their children? That's weird.
2nd - and most importantly, your in laws disrespect is very blatant and obvious and it's jut a few years until your daughter is going to be old enough to realize what is going on... and to possibly pick up on their ways.
I would work w/ your ex to make sure she's not alone with them and I would reduce the amount of time she does spend w/ them. You have a right to feel the way you do.
What does your DH have to say? They sound like rude people who are only looking out for their own interests. You have to do what is best for your family.
Looks like you are going to have to come up w/another Christmas tradition. The sooner you do it, the more years you will get to do them with your daughter.
Yes, they should listen to you and respect your requests, but obvsiously they aren't going to. Do you want to spend another year being upset about something you have no control over? Wouldn't you rather spend each holiday not upset? Wouldn't you rather look back on each Christmas and be able to think of the special moments w/your daughter, instead of how horrible your ILs were b/c they wouldn't let you do a Santa letter, as important as it is to you?
Family members, ILs and even ex-ILs all over the planet will never act the way you want them to at any given time for any given request.
They are doing this to needle you for who knows whatever reason. Tell them that since they did not respect your wishes, they will not be allowed to spend time with her if it ever happens again.
Why don't you plan and stick to your own traditions? Give them a set time with your little one (with you present), and tell them that's the way it's going to be, if they question it. You don't need this kind of aggravation, nobody does.
She can send more than one letter to santa. its not that big of a deal. good luck.
Your ex needs to let them know how upset he is. Maybe you should plan to get together earlier next year. Also, would Emmy be ok w/ saying "No grandma...I'm waiting for Mommy and Daddy" ? My daughter is 4 and she would!
No way, I would lose it on this one. It is great that you and the Ex get along so well. HE needs to tear them a new one over this. Not that they did it, but they went ahead and did it after knowing that you were planning to do it.
