My Daughter’s Boyfriend Wants Him to Meet His Parents

I'm sorry, but I am really confused. Your daughter is in her 3rd year of college and her boyfriend asked YOU for permission to come and meet his folks? Like fake permission because she is an adult? Or like real permission because you and she feel that you still have that much power over her life? If she went without your permission, would you like ground her or something?

My only advice is get a hobby that doesn't include controlling your daughter's love life. I hear knitting is relaxing . . .

I’m not sure I understand what your worry is. Are you concerned about her safety for some reason? Or is this more about his history with girls and the age difference? In my mind, at that age having one long term relationship that didn’t work out bodes well for his future. It is unusual for first relationships to last forever, and while his relationship was especially long, better than he figured out it wasn’t meant to be forever.

My boys all visited girlfriends in other states during their college years. None of those relationships lasted post college, and I can’t say that was always easy, but I see it as part of growing up. At 19, she is still growing, but I’m not sure why that should mean she can’t travel to another state with her boyfriend.

In my experience, my ability to worry about my children didn’t end when they turned 18, but I pretty much tried to control myself because these sorts of decisions are no longer up to me.

I think if there is a reason to be concerned about her safety, I would offer her a back-up plan. In any case, I think it’s reasonable to ask her to let you know when she arrives, make sure you have the address of where she will be staying.

You are being selfish and controlling, and you do not give any reason why that is “necessary”.

He has met YOU, he has met “his girlfriend’s parents”. So of course it is fair and reasonable for her to meet his parents! You do not get to control special access to meeting them as a couple.

You do not provide any reason why you worry about your *adult* daughter traveling to a different state.

If she is 19 and in her third year of college, it sounds like she has had a slightly unusual past few years (graduated high school at 15/16?). But, that does not change the fact that she is now a 19-year-old adult.

And there is nothing wrong with the engagement story you describe. He got engaged to someone he had dated for 6 years - fine. And then it sounds like the reality of his feelings when faced with the seriousness of marriage caused him to break it off - unfortunate to go through with the engagement but good that he thought carefully before going through with the marriage.

Your daughter is an adult and hopefully you have raised her with good sense. You cannot manage her love life and her friendships.

She's in her 3rd year but it only 19, so did she graduate high school early and is therefore a bit less mature than her classmates? Is that why you are worried? Has she been living at college, or is she living with you and still under teenage-type rules? Is that why he's asking your permission. If she's immature and socially inexperienced, that's one thing. But if she's been dating someone for 9 months, she should have some indication of their values.

Meeting his parents is just meeting his parents. All the talk about a guest room is irrelevant if she's been on her own. She can sleep with anyone she wants to, and perhaps she has. I assume you have put her in sex ed classes and taken her to a gynecologist (or at least had her have a reproductive chat with her pediatrician) so she is totally prepared.

When we date, we take chances. We might get hurt, but we might also be the ones doing the hurting. I know you want the best for her but it's her heart, her concern. I would tell him it's not up to him to ask parental permission or discuss sleeping arrangements with you. It seems like both parties are excluding her from being the decision-maker, and that concerns me.

My two oldest kids are around the same age and this isn't something I would consider falls under my purview as a parent at this age. Both of my young adult children are in relationships. Both have met their significant other's parents. One child and his girlfriend live locally so he hangs out with her family all the time (and she hangs out here too). The other one and her boyfriend go to school quite a ways away from both families and they have traveled both to visit us here and to his family as well.

Your daughter and her boyfriend been dating for almost a year...it doesn't seem too much or too soon from my perspective. And really, it's your daughter's decision - she doesn't need your permission to travel (and I kind of think it's weird that he asked you). If she's comfortable in the relationship and comfortable going, she should go.

FWIW, young hearts are made to be broken. If this doesn't work out, she'll get over it, take what she learned about herself in the process, and move on.

If you trust your daughter - I honestly don’t see a problem. It’s her life and if you want to mess up your relationship with her say something. Otherwise let her live her life. If she asks you for an opinion suggest taking slow- otherwise No!

I honestly never understood why it’s such a big deal meeting parents. I get not after the 1st date but if a child is close to his or her parents seeing where, what and who they are.. maybe will help to determine to go and date further or not.

your headline is confusing and inaccurate.

so, this young man is working, courteously asked your permission to introduce his parents to your daughter, is paying for her ticket, and has even shared his respectful visiting arrangements with you, and you're still 'skeptical' of his intentions toward your (adult) daughter?

because he had a previous relationship.

and there's a chance the one between him and your daughter *might* not work out.

think about that for a minute.

khairete
S.

Lyn

Your daughter is an adult. Unless they are getting married? He shouldn't be asking your permission for anything.

How is she in her 3rd year of college at the age of 19? That seems a tad off.
It's NOT YOUR relationship. SO I would tell you to let your daughter make decisions about her life. You can tell her your misgivings, but do NOT push her into running away with him because you're too negative.

So they've been talking since January and physically seeing each other since April?
I guess I'm confused. I think it's pretty normal when you've been dating someone you really like for a few months to want to introduce them to your family and friends.
It's not like he's pressuring her to move or get married or anything so how is this "fast"?
ETA: as much as you'd like to, you can't protect your daughter's heart. Nor should you, how do you expect her to learn about life if you are not allowing her to experience it?

I'm not sure that meeting his parents means anything more that just her getting to know his family a bit better.
It doesn't necessarily mean that an engagement is imminent.
Your daughter hasn't even known him for a year.
Since both your daughter and her relatively new boyfriend have had breakups I would hope they've learned to be more cautious.
They both seem to be on the rebound.
She's close to finishing college - both of them should be wanting her to finish and get her career started.

Of course, you're concerned for your daughter, but legally, she's an adult and can date and meet whomever she wants to.

Just keep the lines of communication open. Gently remind her that her studies come first, and that she's so near to getting her degree. And encourage her to use this parent-meeting situation as a good opportunity to learn more about her new boyfriend. Does he treat his parents with respect? Does it seem like it's a household and family with healthy values? Are his parents encouraging him to take his time and develop a relationship, or do they show her wedding venue brochures on the first evening?

And for general safety, it might be good if you had the physical address of the parents' home, and if you and your daughter had some kind of code word in the event she felt uncomfortable. She could text you some innocent-sounding code and you could send a taxi or Uber to her and get her out of there or give her advice by a return phone call.

Updated

Of course, you're concerned for your daughter, but legally, she's an adult and can date and meet whomever she wants to.

Just keep the lines of communication open. Gently remind her that her studies come first, and that she's so near to getting her degree. And encourage her to use this parent-meeting situation as a good opportunity to learn more about her new boyfriend. Does he treat his parents with respect? Does it seem like it's a household and family with healthy values? Are his parents encouraging him to take his time and develop a relationship, or do they show her wedding venue brochures on the first evening?

And for general safety, it might be good if you had the physical address of the parents' home, and if you and your daughter had some kind of code word in the event she felt uncomfortable. She could text you some innocent-sounding code and you could send a taxi or Uber to her and get her out of there or give her advice by a return phone call.

My advice is your daughter is an adult and she has to handle her own love life. I think it's great she will meet his parents...after all it has been 10 months. Hopefully things will work out between them but if not it is up to your daughter to handle things herself. I met my husband at age 20 and we lived moved to another state right after college and lived together 7 years before getting married...we both just didn't place importance on a marriage certificate at that time! His mom was not very happy. We have been together now 25 years, have two terrific kids and are doing great.

Let your daughter handle her own relationships.

How long was he broken up with his fiancé before he started dating your daughter or met her online?

I get why you're concerned about a possible rebound relationship going on.

If they've been dating (when he visits, so I'm guessing short weekend visits) since April, that's not a lot. For him to consider moving after knowing her 5 visits (?)

I think if she were older, I wouldn't be as concerned. I knew when I met my hubby he was the one. But I was a lot older. She's 19. I get it. He's come out of a long term relationship, and he knew for 2 years his fiancé was not the one? Kind of odd. Like he needs to be in a relationship. However, up to your daughter to figure out.

The thing is, are you going to tell your daughter who is an adult and living away, no you can't go to his home? Sounds a bit controlling. Ultimately, it's her decision.

If she has her head screwed on, she could go. My concern, if I was her mom, is that if she does this, and he moves, is she going to feel compelled to stay with this guy - even if she realizes in six months to a year - no he's not the one, or she meets someone else she likes more?

This guy is making big changes, and hopefully she will not feel like he did it for her (which he obviously is I'm assuming). However, she needs to figure this out - the 'You are not tied to this guy if it doesn't work out.'

Young people learn about relationships, about themselves, and about what they want in a relationship by BEING in relationships. I'd imagine this young man learned quite a lot in his last one, and hopefully, he is a better, more mature man for it.

I think it takes a great deal of maturity, insight, and courage in instances where a young person breaks off an engagement. By the time a couple is engaged, there is so much time and emotion invested in the relationship, and possibly wedding plans, that many young people talk themselves out of their own truth and go through with the marriage only to go through a divorce later. This is not only hurtful to them and their families, but also to any children involved.

I broke off an engagement when I was in my mid-20s. He was a great guy, came from a great family. Our families loved each other, and we had been together for five plus years.
In my heart, though, I knew it wasn't right. He deserved to be loved completely, and I knew I could not give him that. I had to do the right thing, and it was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

Flash forward a few years later. He met a great woman. They were married and have a beautiful family. They've been married almost 30 years.

You need to trust your daughter's judgement and let her make the decisions about her relationships without interference. If she wants to talk to you about it, be there for her, of course, but she is the one who has to make her own decisions here.

Let your daughter be. Let her learn about what she wants in a relationship, and let her find it on her terms.

I would say he thinks your daughter is a keeper if he wants her to meet his parents.

He may or may not be moving too fast but your daughter is an adult. It was a very nice courtesy that he even asked you.

If I were you, I would give my blessing.

I agree you can’t really stop your daughter but I don’t think you’re being overly controlling or paranoid. At 19, my parents were paying for my college tuition and I lived at home summers so they paid all my living expenses too. So they certainly felt they had some say over what I did and didn’t do with boyfriends in terms of traveling etc. 19 isn’t that old. Legally an adult but many 19 year olds are still like kids. Don’t experts say their brains aren’t fully developed until early 20’s? Some people on here are so harsh!! You’re worried. I get it. It wouldn’t be a big deal if he lived locally but he doesn’t. He has a history etc. But end of day, I do think you have to just guide your daughter some by talking to her but then let her decide. He does sound like a nice guy at least.

Does your daughter want to go? If so, trust your daughter's judgement, welcome him when he comes to your home, and give your daughter your blessings as she goes to meet his parents.

Is there any guarantee that your daughter's heart won't get broken? Of course not. But she can't live her life in fear of that, and neither should you.

Well, the good news is that it is HE who is making the big changes, not your daughter. If they break up, it's no big loss on her, she is still living in her home state and has family around and she'll move on. He is the one who will be stuck in a new state where he doesn't have anyone he knows, due to his move, and will have to deal with the consequences of his choice, so he has more to lose. Considering they both have had lengthy relationships that failed, I think they both should have learned from their experiences, and it certainly isn't her first heartbreak anyway. Most people experience heartbreak several times before finding the right person, and they survive through it. She is an adult, he seems to be a respectable guy, and well, it could be a LOT worse, she could be dating an older man with multiple kids, no job, and still living in his parents' basement! I would just remind her to take things slow, that there is no need to rush, to get to know him and have fun, and if things go wrong, you'll be there for her, and that is it.

I'm not sure what the big deal is about meeting parents either, as someone below me pointed out. I have introduced friends to my parents, same sex friends, and friends of the opposite sex. I had NO intentions of a relationship or marriage with any of these people, my mom just said she was curious about my friends, to see the type of people I surrounded myself with, and I had her come out to meet them when we got a chance, so she could see they were cool. It doesn't have to imply a life-long commitment or anything serious, they probably just are curious to meet the woman who has stolen their son's heart away and want to make sure your daughter is a decent, presentable girl. It doesn't have to mean they are planning to move to your state as well, or that they have wedding plans for them. Be supportive and let her be an independent woman who can handle her own love life!

Free trip, sounds awesome.