I don't know what to do. My daughter is your typical, well-rounded, all-American, Christian, sweet, loving girl. She is 10 1/2. She has spent the past two weeks at my grandmother's house for a summer visit. She has done this every summer since she was 6. We have never had any problems from her, ever. Well, aside from the arguing with her younger sister. Other than that, she is very involved in church, she minds us, and, is always willing to do the right thing. She loves to volunteer, we always praise her and reward her, and, she's good at EVERYTHING that she does.
My grandmother was helping her get her stuff together to come home tomorrow, and, she called me stating that we had a serious problem. I was thinking something along the lines of her starting her period. This COULD NOT be the furthest thing from my expectations of my daughter. She said that she found a bag of stuff that belonged to her, that my daughter kept trying to keep from her. My daughter doesn't know yet that my grandmother found it. She went in there to look while my daughter was walking the dog. She had some costume jewelry, make-up, and, some other things that didn't make sense. Like dental floss, and pencils.
My husband said she should keep the bag the way it is, then, when she brings her back tomorrow we can open it and address it at that point. I don't know what to do? This is so far out of character for her, that, I don't know how to begin disciplining for it. I know she has not done anything like this before. I go through her bags from school to help her keep it cleaned out. I help her clean her room. There is nothing that she would have got past me. In fact, we just finished cleaning out her drawers before she went off to my grandmother's house.
Have any of you had to deal with anything like this? Any thoughts on where this could be coming from? My husband thinks maybe she is trying to be more "girly" and felt embarrassed to ask me for such items. Sure, money is a little tight right now and my daughter understands that. But, she also knows that if she earns it by doing chores, I will get her just about anything she wants. I know she is going to be devastated when we confront her, and, I am preparing myself for that. I just don't know which way to go with all of this, and, I am having a hard time processing all of this.
Thanks in advance.
Edited to add how my grandmother stated this happened:
She said that my daughter kept keeping this particular bag of belongings away from her, and, that is why she had her walk to the dog. She wanted to see what my daughter was keeping from her. And, lo and behold, it was basically a bag of my grandmother's belongings.
Maybe she wanted stuff that reminded her of her great grandmother? I am not condoning her actions...just looking at the possible "why" of it all?
If this is totally out of character for her I would want to get to the bottom of the "why" of it all...but please remember at this age kids don't always know why they do the things they do...just keep calm, you are lucky you have been given all this time to reflect and come up with a game plan!
I’m not sure if you are planning on saying that “she has lost your trust” but before you do please find out WHY she did it. From my perspective from everything you have said about her, please give her the benefit of the doubt. Before I even read what your husband’s opinion was on this, I was going to say the same thing. Your daughter sounds like a fantastic little girl. Good job Mom! BUT don’t we all make mistakes… hopefully she can learn from this one. Have a thoughtful talk with her, don’t accuse or blame. Give her a big hug and let her know how much you love her but it’s not O.K. to take things without asking first.
Just my 2 cents =-)
Your husband may be right about the fact that she is just embarrassed to ask for some things, but I think I may have another theory as to why she would take her great g-ma's things, and it's the same reason I took things from my Grandmother.
I wanted "her" around all the time. I was/am very close with my Grandmother on my dad's side my entire life. I was over at her house all the time till the age of 9, when I moved out of state. After that, probably till I was 12 or 13, every time I would visit, I would take stuff, similar to what your daughter took. I wasn't a bad kid or anything, I just wanted to have my "Granfaye" around whenever I wanted. I remember I would take one earring, or a lipstick, a comb, I even took pennies and nails from a "junk" drawer, and I would take them home with me. My grandmother laughs now when I tell her that.
I could be wrong, but I figured, hey, I'll share my personal reason. :)
I hope thats her reason, good luck!
I would also agree that maybe she is worried that her grandma may pass away and she wanted something to remember her by. Not that stealing is the answer in this situation but she may not have been comfortable talking to her about death.
When I was about 10 or 11 I took one of my grandmother's necklaces because I wanted something to remember her by...not sure why I felt like she was going to die but I couldn't ask because I thought it was mean to ask someone about when they were going to die. So I took it! My mom found it and I gave it back and explained the reason behind it. My grandma died about 10 years later and a few months before she died she gave me that necklace. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
I wish you luck with your situation.
Tina
In this case, I agree with your husband. I would address it with her calmly, but directly. Ask her for an explanation and focus on the fact that in making a decision to steal, she has lost your trust. This is an opportunity for her to learn that trust, once lost, is not easily regained. I would have her apologize to your grandmother and do something helpful as her "penance".
Decide with your husband on a consequence, but ask your daughter what she thinks is appropriate. If her answer is reasonable, go with it. If it's not, then go with yours. Be prepared for her tears or open denial. This is one of those times when you have to be tough b/c regardless of "why" she stole, the point is that it's illegal and will get her in trouble later.
Better to teach/learn the lesson now than when it's a real problem!
Krista P. Pretty much nailed it. I would, however make sure that only those who need to be involved in the confrontation be present. No little sisters to rub her nose in it, being caught in and of itself should be humiliating enough without that. The why would also be very important to me, since this is completely out of character for her. Addressing why will allow you to let her know what the appropriate way to approach the situation should have been and what she could do differently in the future. I would not take I don't know for an answer. I would also have her write a letter of apology to your grandmother rather then just having to say it, one not replacing the other.
Maybe she wanted something that reminded her of her granmother but did not want to ask for it.She might have been afraid that her grandma would say "no".I think you should sit down with her and ask her why she did it and have her go back and give the things back to grandma and have her explain to grandma why she did it and apologize.
I have read the other responses and totaly agree with them, but look at the r picture in another direction, what IF she is worried that she will "loose" her gradmother. I remeber when I was 14 and learning about "death" I took my mother's neclace, she never relized it and I put it back once i learned more on the subject. It's just another direction you might want to look at. Is there anything that has come up abouit loosing a loved one?
Your husband is very in touch with what I am about to write...
It's an age where the change from young kid to teenager is probably starting to happen- she probably wants to experiment with make up and doesn't want anyone to know she is interested in it. Funny thing you mention getting her period... I still remember the emotions I felt when I got "free samples" of tampons at school- I was so uncomfortable I put the box in my drawer of stuff that was right by the front door and I would sneak down to look at it(very curious) but did not want my Mom to know how curious I was about it. A lot of stuff that I hid like this from my Mom was very innocent but my awkwardness in keeping it from my Mom. Now that I am older, she wouldn't have cared but at the time I didn't know how to approach her. This time of my life must have really traumatized me because I remember it very clearly- ha ha!
Even if this is out of character for her, and she is a good girl, you must make the punishment fit the crime! If she gets off easy once, she will try to do it again. You need to really talk to her about why, but set the punishment first so she knows that whatever she says will not affect it so she can speak freely and not be tempted to lie to get out of punishment. I would make her go back to Grandma with the goods, apologize, and than do some work around Grandmas house to make restitution. I would also ground her from things she loves (computer/game system, phone, ect..) for a number of days. This was not a small thing, she took several peices of jewelry, among other things.
One of my sons took a bottle of glue from a grocery store once. My other son told on him as we walked out to the car. I turned him around and made him go back with it. I am glad I did. He is about to graduate college and I am very proud of him. I think you of course need to address it, and I like the way your husband said that, and make your daughter return it to grandmother with an apology. We could have afforded the glue, that wasn't the issue, I really think they are testing us sometimes. They want to be disciplined and we live in such a permissive society a lot of kids aren't because parents want to be their friends. Stealing is not always about need.
It is about the attention and excitement. You might try this as a gentle beginning to solving that. Just note that she has it, have her return it and apologize and hopefully it won't happen again. My sister stole from a shop at the zoo once and my mother made her return those things.
However, is there any possibility that grandmother might have packed something herself and forgotten? I know I kind of forget a lot as I mature...I'm sure Grandmother is correct, but just thought I'd ask.
