My Daughter Is the Possessive Friend

Big hug. "I'm sorry, honey, it looks like Suzie doesn't want to be friends right now. That happens a lot to people of all ages; friendships change all the time. And eventually people find new friends. But I know it hurts."

Maybe you can tell her a brief story about a friendship in your life that you lost. But don't dwell on it too much -- it's a part of life, and mirroring her emotions and giving her hugs when she needs them are the best things you can do.

I'm sorry but if it's to the point where this other girl wants nothing to with your daughter - the friendship is OVER.
Clinging at this point is just obnoxious.
Your daughter doesn't have to make other friends if she doesn't want to - but this ship has sailed - and there's no going back.
Get your girl signed up for some after school activities where she can meet new people.

If she is unaware that some of her specific behaviors are off-putting, she needs to be told what they are and how she can fix her own actions. Unless she can recognize that she's driving people away she won't be able to keep friends, current or newly made.

i'm all about letting kids sort things out for themselves.........up to a point.
and you are at that point.
for your daughter's sake, let alone the other girls (especially since it's so bad the moms are now getting involved), you have got to work with your daughter. and that means making the boundaries for her that she hasn't been able to make for herself.
'sweetheart, you are encountering what happens when you are too possessive of your friends. it's not okay to do this. it ruins the friendship. as of today, i want you to stop bothering christabelle. it will be hard and make you sad, but you are making her actually dislike you. for the next whole month you are to leave her alone. don't talk to her, don't give her dirty looks, or sad looks. pretend she's not there, unless she starts a conversation with you. i know this is hard for you, but you are going to lose friends if you keep this up. it stops today.'
beyond that you can do things like role-play, have some fun one-on-one time with you, and find other activities where she can meet and make other friends.
but i would lay down the law the girl who's being smothered. then help her develop better coping strategies.
khairete
S.

I think the tween years are a transition time, and there's plenty of push to both be involved and let them work it out themselves. Both are merited, and both will produce frustration. I think you can be a little more direct than you have been, without being so blunt that she melts down. I think a talk about driving people away with neediness and clingy behavior might be indicated - "You know, sweetie, sometimes people pull away when you try too hard because it doesn't feel like a friendship between equals. I wonder if that's what Julie is feeling. It happens a lot with relationships between boys and girls too. The guy gets possessive and doesn't want the girl to have other friends, and the girl gets creeped out. People wind up driving away the very person they want to be close to. Think about it." If the other mothers are involved to the point that they might say something directly to your daughter, then get involved now. If they are involved in the sense that they have called you about it, that means that the 3rd girl is taking a position here as well? So is your daughter about to lose 2 friends?

I wonder if your daughter, like many 11 year olds, isn't listening to you much either. This transition age, when they start to strike out on their own and feel more independent, can be frustrating. Sometimes there are some good young adult books that deal with fictional changing relationships - maybe consult the town librarian for recommendations? If a kid can come to her own conclusion by seeing this play out in a fictional school, sometimes the light bulb goes on.

Sadly, sometimes they just need to get good and hurt before they learn and move on. She is seeing this as a personal rejection and not as a shift in interests and a branching out. You have to help her through that without her getting so devastated that she bottoms out. If you think she really could benefit from professional help because she doesn't have the self-confidence to allow a friendship to change, you can consider that.

I think it's the other girl's place to tell your daughter that she doesn't want to be friends and the mothers need to butt out of 11 year old drama. Your daughter's behavior is not completely at fault here. There are also 2 little girls who seem to be unable to say, "Jane, we don't want to be friends or play with you anymore."

I wouldn't flat out tell her anything. I would encourage her to talk with these girls and ask them what's going on. End the confusion through communication.

Your daughter needs to be in the guidance counselor's office. She needs help with this, and you aren't the best one to help her. It's pretty serious if it's gotten to the point that the other mother's are complaining. I don't know what your daughter's behavior has become to warrant the mom's trying to make the point, but it's enough that you have to do SOMETHING other than limiting interaction.

I would not flat out tell her this girl does not want to be friends with her. Your daughter most likely senses that already, but she is still trying to make the friendship work. It may take some time, but she's going to find through her own journey that sometimes people change and you can't force someone to be friends with you. Listen and encourage her to talk about her feelings, that's about it. Encourage other activities and get-togethers and opportunities to meet other girls without saying anything negative about the one who is pulling apart. I wouldn't tell her this, but you never know, sometimes girls have long term on-again, off-again friendships. They may drift apart, back together, and apart again many times in the upcoming years. My youngest is in 7th grade and I can hardly keep up with who is friends with who and who is not friends with who and which former enemies are now best friends, etc. Change is the norm.

This is so tough. I feel your pain. My 12 yr old daughter has had some trouble navigating social waters over the years. She is very friendly, and would be everyone's friend if she could, but most girls are not this way.

Her most recent struggle has been with a friend who started to pull away at the beginning of this year. It was difficult and confusing for my dd because at the same time as she was pulling away, she was playing mind games and making my daughter think she really still wanted to be her friend. I had to have many, many conversations with her pointing out the reasons why this girl isn't a true friend.

In your case, maybe the friend isn't playing these games and has really just pulled away. I think it's OK to tell your daughter something like "Look, at this age, it's normal for girls to want to change friends. It sounds like that is what "Katie" is doing. Does it hurt? Sure, but there isn't much you can do about it. You can't force someone to be your friend. You have to let her go".

These talks seem to help my daughter. And when she was confused when her ex-friend would sit by her at lunch one day, or want to work on a project with her, I'd tell her that she shouldn't get her hopes up. It's more likely than not that this girl wants something from her, or is afraid of getting in trouble. She saw me talking to her mom at a recent basketball game, and I noticed she was acting very chummy towards my daughter for a few days after that.

As for the other mothers getting involved, I would reiterate that you are talking to your daughter and trying to help her move on. There is not much you can do outside of that. You can't be at school with her.

Were these girls always a threesome, or could you set up some play dates or outings with just your daughter and the other friend who hasn't pulled away? Is your daughter involved in sports or programs outside of school? If so, maybe you can try to foster some friendships with girls outside of school.

And lastly, I would suggest you get some books for her on navigating social situations. American Girl has a few, and I think they have really helped my daughter.

Best wishes! I know how hard it can be on mom when our kids are having a hard time.

At 11? They need to work this out for themselves.
I'm sure it's hard to watch.
Just be there if she needs to talk.