My Daughter Asked Me Why She Can't Be a Boy.

Take a deep breath. A LOT of kids say this because they have already been so socialized about what's a "boy thing" to do or a "girl thing". So find out what she's really asking. If she thinks boys have more opportunities or get paid more or have lower/different expectations, she's right. (She can be taught not to live with the status quo and can learn about what famous women have done to make things better.) If she feels like boys are making the decisions about who they like and whether they are being asked out, maybe she doesn't want to be sitting around giving someone else all the power. That's good! But she doesn't have to be a boy to be strong and decisive.

If she wants to play boys' sports because they are more exciting or have higher expectations of the athletes, that's understandable - she may also see the much-touted girl pitcher for the Little League World Series. She may be tired of some of the girly pettiness she sees or the focus on looks or fashion or make-up. She needs to know that there are girls who don't care about that stuff and she can choose not to go that route.

I think what you are really scared about is either that she will never be okay emotionally if she's not "perfect" or that she is transgender. The first you can work on. The second you cannot. She is who she is. You will have a happier child if she feels she can really talk openly to you without you freaking out. If you think she needs some counseling (and you too!) to get these feelings sorted out, talk to her doctor about a referral and then talk to a therapist about how to approach this.

Meantime, get some DVDs or books about famous women who fought the sex stereotyping of their era.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I'm 48 years old and remember wanting to be a boy when I was younger. I am the baby of 3 and my next oldest sibling is a boy. We are 5 years apart in age - but that didn't matter - I wanted to be a boy. I dressed like my brother and did everything my brother did...now? I'm happily married to my husband for 17 years and we have 2 kids together and I have 3 kids total.

Does her dad tell her he wishes she was a boy?
Have you asked her WHY she feels this way?
Have you told her NO ONE is perfect?

I was ALL tom boy until high school. Yeah, in middle school I'd wear dresses every once in a while and have crushes on boys - but **I** wanted to be able to pee standing up! I wanted to be able to run without my shirt on (darn boobs!!) and play football - not just flag football - but FOOTBALL!!

Do I think it's a phase? Yes.

I would stop stressing over it. Listen to her when she talks and ask open ended questions....and LISTEN to the responses.

I'm not sure you can know, really, right now. If she has crushes on boys, then I think she probably doesn't really want to BE a boy, but maybe she likes some of the benefits of being a boy. Did you consider that? I mean.. if she is really athletic, is she allowed to play on the boys' teams at school? Maybe she thinks the girls teams are lame. Maybe she sees the drama that girls start dealing with around this age and doesn't want any part of it, and thinks boys don't have the drama to deal with.
OR, is there something else going on, where she might be saying this to get under your skin?

I just think perhaps you are getting worked up over something that isn't even an issue for her. She's a middle child. Does she have any brothers or only sisters? Do some of her male friends have more freedoms than she notices with her female friends? That can often be the case for some reason... that we allow boys to DO more things with less worry that something bad will happen to them. I have a 16 yr old son and I worry about him being alone elsewhere (he drives now!) obviously, but I am not paranoid that every time he stops to put gas in the car someone might try to grab him. My daughter is 13, and I already know that when she is 16, I will be very cautious and concerned about her stopping alone for gas. It's not equal. I don't expect it to be, and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. But, perhaps your daughter is becoming exposed to some of these differences and thinks it might be fun to have a little more freedom that perhaps she sees her male friends having.
Or.. if she's super competitive athletically, maybe she things bigger muscles would make sports more fun. Who knows.
But, honestly, from the little information here, it doesn't sound like any big thing to be concerned about.

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I agree with the most recent response.. I wouldn't drag a huge conversation on about this. It's an unnecessary highlighting of whatever is on her mind, that can make her feel like she is wrong for whatever it is she is feeling.
With that in mind, did you ask her what she meant when she said, she "feels like a boy"? That could mean all kinds of things as well. I mean, what exactly does she think it means to "feel like a boy"? In her terms, what does that mean? Does it mean she doesn't like dolls and would rather climb trees? Does it mean that instead of CatWoman or Storm, she'd rather pretend to be Batman or Iron Man? Does it mean she would rather have short hair that doesn't require "fixing" and she can shower and be done with it? Does is mean she'd rather wear sneakers and shorts all the time, and not dresses and dressy shoes with heels and jewelry?
Does it mean she would like to be the class clown (since these often tend to be boys)? What does that mean in her mind? I cannot imagine that in her mind it is a sexual idea.

When I was in 5th grade, my best friend and I weren't into doing our nails or hair or makeup or gossip or many of the things that were starting with our female classmates. We didn't like sitting at the end of PE and whispering in small groups. We'd rather swing, as high as we could, and pretend we were driving motorcycles while we were swinging.
I'm still not a "high maintenance" kind of gal. And I am always more comfortable in jeans. But I look nice in a dress if the occasion calls for it. I don't spend $$$ on my hair or nails. I don't match every outfit with the precise piece of costume jewelry accessories. (and if you do, that's great. More power to you!) I prefer easy understated things. Pearl studs. A simple chain with birth stones of my kids around my neck. A watch I never take off. I wear this every day, all day. On a "special" occasion I might change my earrings or add a bracelet.
But, when I was your daughter's age, I did everything my brothers did. Shot guns. Played basketball (with them). Football (with them in the yard). Baseball (with them and on the field after their games were over for the night). Climbed trees. Rode bikes. You name it. I even tried to compete with my middle brother bench pressing free weights.
I didn't feel like a girl back then, either, b/c I thought that girls were shy little violets that sat around and were waited on and expected to be dainty and not get their hands dirty. I liked to fish and gut my own catch.

I suspect your daughter just doesn't have the same idea in her head of what it means to "feel like a boy" that you are thinking.

2nd or 3rd time in 10 years, and you're coming all unglued?
get a grip, mama.
what is it precisely that you can't handle? that she might be a lesbian?
i mean, she might, of course. all kids *might*. but wanting to be a boy a few times over the years, or being a tomboy, sure doesn't indicate it. most kids go through phases of being curious about what it would be like to be the other sex.
i'm going to go against the majority and suggest you do NOT grill her about it. i doubt she can articulate precisely what's making her want this. but i would use the opportunity to open the door to this dialogue and keep it open. ask her gentle leading questions that don't have yes or no or right or wrong answers, but that encourage HER to be a bit introspective on the subject.
it's great that you're 'supporting' her no matter what, but i hope you do realize that the massive angst you're generating over this simple and fairly common childhood question is on some level making her feel as if her questioning is *wrong*. there's no way we can answer decisively for you whether or not this is 'real' or what's causing it, any more than we can give you clinical scientific data on why your child loves to wear purple or prefers cats to dogs.
don't tell her she's perfect. she's not, and you're creating an unrealistic paradigm for all of your conversations by insisting on this. let her know that she's 100% loved, cherished and supported, of course, but i also caution against burying her in it- it will only reinforce that her natural questioning is a flaw against which she must be protected.
take a deep breath and accept your kid, and her winding path to selfhood, as individual and beautiful, and stop coming unraveled. she needs a strong, calm, competent mom.
khairete
S.

Who would not want to be a boy at age 10? They can play ALL sports, not just the limited ones still open to girls (yeah, they can play football, but not really), they can plan to be anything they want to be, the toys are way cooler, nobody expects them to wear pink. Nobody ever says, oh, you run/throw/play like a boy, do they?

I think wanting to be a boy is different than feeling that one is a boy and that one has the wrong body for whom one truly is. Of course, you may want to discuss why she feels this way with her. If she feels deeply that she IS a boy deep down, you will need professional guidance. If she feels that things would be better/easier if she were a boy - you need to get her some real female role models for what she wants to do or be and help her see that she can overcome the limits society still places on women.

This kind of question from a little girl is not abnormal. Girls have been asking this since boys got to vote and girls didn't lol. Just say because you are a girl. Your daughter is 10 not 20. Would you be as concerned if she said she wanted to be a rock star or a nun? This is very normal in children. Just like the phase little boys go through when they like sparkle things and want their toenails painted.

I just really don't get why people automatically assume their children are gay/lesbian because they like the other gender better at any given time than their own. A little girl who is good at sports and doesn't love dresses is not necessarily going to be lesbian.

My daughter and my granddaughter went thru this phase. My daughter dressed like a boy. She was a tom boy. As an adult she started wearing feminine clothes and stopped wanting to be a boy or man. My 14 yo grandaughter started life as a tom boy. Just the past 6 months she's started thinking she might be lesbian even tho she's interested in boys and has had a boyfriend.

I suggest children try out different ways of being. The preteen and teen years are a time when we start to figure out who we are. We try on different ways of being. Preteens and teens do lack self confidence. I suggest you needn't worry. She will figure out who she is and how she wants to be eventually. You support her as she does this. Be there as it sounds like you are to support her, to answer questions and share thoughts and experiences. Provide experiences that will give her self awareness and self confidence. Sports is good for that.

I suggest you do have conversations with her as suggested by Diane B. Let her know that she can be who she wants to be as a girl. I worked in a men's world and told my daughter that being a boy or a girl is about our biology. That, in today's world she can be and do whatever she wants. Women do still have to struggle some but nothing like it was 50 years ago when I started. I've never been a tom boy and never wanted to be a boy or a man and yet I succeeded in a man's world. I'm a retired police officer; eventually worked patrol in a marked unit wearing a uniform.

it's ok to want to be a boy. It's wonderful when you realize you're as good as or better than any boy. She can have the best of both worlds.

After your SWH I suggest that at 10 I feel like a boy means she likes boy activities and being with boys. My now married adult daughter's friends were mostly boys throughout school. I suggest you're over thinking this. Relax as you enjoy seeing her mature into a lovely young woman. Fear will not change her if she has sexual identity issues. Fear will mean a difficult relationship for both of you. Gay, lesbian and bi are gaining in understanding and acceptance if that turns out to be who she is. However, she is most likely to be heterosexual. You love her. She will be OK.

I would just continue to listen and to just let her "be".

I would also make sure she will always feel free to speak with you about anything, any feelings, any fears, any questions no matter how uncomfortable.

Be honest about your feeling and also admit when you do not know how you feel, or do not know the answer or even if you do not agree you can , say t"his is ok, because even people that love each other do not always agree on everything." But that does not mean you do not love them or respect them.

I think she is maturing early and so she is feeling all sorts of things, her hormones may be kicking in. She probably does not have a clear idea of who she is, while some of her classmates, may be maturing even faster, more likely, have way older siblings and are copying and speaking about more mature subjects. Your daughter is observing and mulling all of this.

Communication is going to be what will got you through this with her.

Two or three times in six years is REALLY not a big deal. I think I wanted to be a boy throughout all of second grade!
Perfectly normal, and nothing to be alarmed about. Continue to listen and talk with her, provide an empathetic ear. She may ALWAYS be a tomboy, or not. My girls weren't, but I have been amazed by some of the transformations of their friends from middle school into high school, a LOT can change. Girly girls turning into athletes, life long tomboys turning into stunning beauties, former class clowns becoming very serious, thoughtful students, etc. You just never know!

You should ask her what she means by that, and get her to be more specific about in what way, exactly, she wants to be a boy. As mentioned below, since she has a crush on a boy, it might be just that she wants some of the benefits of being a boy. But asking her might help answer some of your questions.

She's still young, so you might have to wait to find out what this means. All I can tell you from personal experience is that when you discover that your child is different from what you expected, there is usually a period of mourning. But the wonderful thing is, you get through it, and on the other side of it is complete acceptance and peace.

I don't think you need to tell her she is "perfect," since there's no such thing as perfection. Rather, tell her you accept her as she is and whoever she turns out to be.

You can and you will handle it.

I remember feeling this way growing up myself. I hated being a girl and was somehow internally ashamed of knowing I was physically going to be weaker then my male friends one day, get a period, be able to have kids etc. I was really into competitive sports as well. In time of course I have become very proud of being a woman. Im totally straight and have kids. But it wasn't like I just embraced it one day. Its is hard for an athletic young girl who is truly competitor at heart to not loath being a girl.
I would ask her to clarify why she wishes she was a boy. When you talk to her point out and talk about strong women in the news, in sports, in business, and on tv. If she is attracted to the thought of kissing and holding hands and being more than friends with other girls... Then you know. But otherwise it seems like a young lady who is too macho for the young lady title at this time. :)
I'm glad that you told her, that who ever she is, you love her. That's a message worth repeating over and over. :)

I would ask her why she wants to be a boy. Are there specific things that she thinks are boys-only that she can't do? Then you can think of ways she CAN do those things. You can also encourage the friendships with like-minded girls, such as offering to have the girl friends from sports over to play.

Gender discrimination (or early ideas about it) can start early, and you need to let her know it's not ok. A friend (a woman chemical engineer no less) had her 5 year old daughter tell her that she wanted to be a boy. When she asked why, she said it was because she liked science, and boys can be scientists but girls can only be teachers who teach science. My friend has no idea where she got that idea, but was happy to be clear that this is not true!

I wanted to be a boy too around that age. I started writing my name "Terry" on my papers, pissed my mom off too. Hehe.

I also preferred the company of boys to girls, and was competitive with them physically.

Hard to say whether you daughter's current preference means anything. Mine didn't.

If she seems depressed or struggles daily, maybe take her to talk to someone?

Otherwise, just enjoy her since her sexual identity is of no consequence to how much she is loved.

:)

I have a brother that's a year older than me - he was allowed to do so much more than i was every allowed to do. He & his friends played actively - when all my little friends wanted to play house, or dolls, or whatever. I definitely wanted to be a boy when I was 10. But I still liked boys. It wasn't about sexuality - it was about having fun like they did. My son, who is now a masculine tall 15 yr old, wanted to be a girl when he was a preschooler - his sister was 3 years older and he wanted to do the stuff she did. He even dressed up in dresses.

None of that means the child is destined to be "gay" or whatever the preferred word is these days. Yes it can be a difficult road to travel - my niece, who always liked boys, who I remember blushing and having crushes on boys when she was younger, now says she prefers girls. It doesn't make sense to me since I remember she couldn't wait til "jason" came over and when he did she got all bashful and smiley. BUT - she's 18 and is making her own decisions about her life. She is loved and adored by all of us - expecially her parents - as much as we all acknowledge that it's not the easiest life.

But the bottom line is that there are lots of reasons a ch ild wants to be the opposite gender. Just see where it goes. My daughter played with rescue heros, my son played with barbies, my niece played with insects and none of that indicated anything specifically. All we can do is love our children and pray over them.

When my aunt was a kid, she thought she could grow up and be a boy if she wanted to. She used to follow her dad around and do whatever he was doing (mowing the lawn topless, for example, until her mom caught her, she was about 4-6). Now she's fine being a girl. Could just be some kind of phase, could be something deeper. Just listen to her, take her seriously, try not to make a big deal of it either way, she is who she is.

As open-minded and open-hearted as I am, I truly do not know how I'd feel if my son wanted to be a girl, so I don't say what I'm about to say dismissively.

When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be a boy. I loooooonged for it. You know why? I didn't like my curves. I didn't like that I was a curvy 10yo getting this funky attention from boys and men, even, and ugly looks and comments from girls. I hated that I now looked funny in my clothes and CARED! I was embarrassed that my mother had given me a bra and wanted to talk about it. I was then embarrassed to start my period and have to talk about THAT. My cousins were all boys, so I was comfortable palling around with boys. I ran and played and was into all things rough and tough. I resented being told to go and play/sit with the girls, but boys wouldn't be my friends because they were at the same age and dealing with their own awkwardness. Or I had to physically fight them to keep them from copping a feel, before we could get down to actual playing. Oh, did I mention that I was a lean (no baby fat at all) almost hourglass at 10? I fantasized about being a boy.

Then, I grew into bit of a priss. Once I got married, I even developed a fondness for the color pink. In a lineup, you'd never pick me out as the one who dreaded having boobs.

there is a difference between a tom boy and a child , who both sees themselves as a boy and wishes to be a boy..big difference..it would like the difference between saying," i can play baseball, and i want to be babe ruth"..sit down and ask the child, a few simple questions, "do you see yourself as a boy? ( and just because she has a crush on a boy doesnt mean she doesnt see herself as male, as well), the "problem" is called transgender, if she truly sees herself as male. its believed to caused by having a differently wired brain for the gender they were born into.ie..a male wired brain in a female body would more then likely cause the child to see themselves as male, even if their body is female. skip the shrink for right now,all a shrink is going to do is tell them is, "you are a girl..deal with it"..a simple catscan or a check on the childs hormone levels will give you more info...K. h. ____@____.com