My Dad Is Afraid My Daughter Is Going to "Get Fat." How Do I Handle This?

Don't make it a "fat-not fat" issue. Make it a healthy issue. You should be having discussions with her by this time about healthy and unhealthy foods. What are okay to eat all the time and what are 'sometimes' food. Also discuss being active and maintaining healthy habits.

You can be thin and still have diabetes, high cholesterol, heart disease, etc.

You don't need to talk to your daughter. You need to tell your dad to zip it on the food/weight comments. Period.

Hi A R.,

I'm sorry that you feel you had to defend yourself in your ETA. Most realistic parents understand that it's okay to have ice cream in moderation, and most of us understood that you aren't feeding your daughter ice cream morning, noon and night! I am a strong believer of everything in moderation!

That said, tell your dad to shut it. Now.

And I agree with the other posts that if he doesn't and continues to deny saying it, limit her time with him until she is older and understands how to blow-off comments that don't apply to her.

You keep being the awesome parent that you are, and don't worry about your daughter- your dad has the issues here!

Good body image comes from having healthy, confident parents who don't talk poorly about their bodies or the bodies of others.

Whenever my kids hear people comment on "fatness" (like when my MIL always criticizes people's weight and hairstyles) I say right out loud, "It's not nice to comment on weight."

Just say, "You are perfectly healthy weight. Please ignore your grandpa when he talks that way. He's wrong to say such things, and I can't make him stop because he won't listen to me."

Tell your dad to stuff his pie hole.

Your Dad is the one that has issues.
He needs to get over it and/or keep his mouth shut.
If he can't, then it might be wise to limit his time with your daughter till she's old enough/confident enough to tell him he's mistaken (politely) or full of it (less politely).

I am probably one of the most laid back, respectful person when it comes to my parents. I was actually kinda afraid of my dad for a while - he was from the "old school" scary parenting generation. But when it came to him being out of line re. my son, I firmly told him to stop.

That's what you need to do. Tell him to cut it out. It's not his place. You get that he has a fear. Maybe he ISN'T aware but that doesn't change that he's doing it. Is your daughter noticing? If yes, tell her that he has a problem because someone in his family got very sick and had problems with their weight and he's not thinking about what he's saying. Teach her about healthy eating, moderation, balanced diets, etc. It's not about the ice cream, it's about how much and when, etc. Tell your dad the same thing.

Do you have a camera phone? If yes, when he visits and when it's mealtime, get it out and have it ready, and as soon as he starts, record it. If you confrot him with proof and he still won't stop, tell him that you will ask him to leave if he keeps it up. It's YOUR home, it's YOUR child, and regardless of his family's experience, that doesn't give him the right to get on your daughter's case about food.

Have the conversation with her and let her know why grandpa feels that he needs to keep making comments. The more she understands where he's at, the more she will be able to block it out and see where he is coming from. That he loves her and wants her healthy but is telling her the totally wrong way.

And I would tell your dad very firmly to cut it out. Even if she were fat, he should not be making those comments to her. Explain that he is ruining her self esteem.

Wow! I would let Dad know that if he continues to make comments like that he will NOT be allowed to see her. Those kinds of comments are so damaging to young girls and will affect the for LIFE!!! Unless you want to pay for years of therapy or treatment for an eating disorder.......

And YES, please start having those discussions with your daughter. Here is an excellent resource on the topic women, body image, and self-esteem.

http://www.beautyredefined.net/

you've been nice. you've been courteous. you've given the reasons, and he has pooh-poohed them.
now it's time to get serious. protect your daughter. 'dad, you may not make comments to her like that again. period. understood?'
if he argues, or continues to demean her, take her and leave.
repeat until the message sinks in.
khairete
S.

Yes talk with your daughter since your father isn't going to own up to anything he's saying. It's easy to explain healthy choices and fun activities to get exercise when you start young. You can also let her know that her grandfather is being silly telling her she'll get fat from eating ice cream as a treat every once in a while. The more info you give her the more likely she is to realize that not everything people tell her is correct so grandpa's words won't have an impact on her.

Yes I would start the talk with her. But I would just make it light and say something like "Grandpa just worries about everyone and wants to make sure we make the right choices" and then go over your good choices with her. If you make too big a deal out of it she might start worrying too. You said it best in your ETA.

He's not going to change, it's what they said to him when he was a kid and what he said to his own kids.

I suggest that you tell your daughter that she needs to ignore him. Tell her she is built like XXxx. I am grossly overweight, my ex is chubby but over 6' tall, he never weighed more than 250 though and he's thinner now than he ever was. My daughter is tall like me ex's mom. She's built almost exactly like her except she got my boobs, my hair, and my eyelashes. When she stopped doing drugs she gained at least a hundred pounds. She is having a hard time getting her weight under control and she eats pretty healthy. She will have a couple of years of this according to what I have read then her body will straighten out and she'll be able to lose.

My granddaughter is tall and thin too. She does the normal thing kids do, she eats and eats and chubs out, she looks like she is getting fat for maybe 2 days. Then she nearly stops eating all together. She will wake up the next morning or so and she'll have grown an inch or two overnight.

I have had so many people say she needs to eat nothing but salads and veggies so she won't grow up to be like me....that's not only hurtful to her but to me too. We don't have a lot of money for groceries and often don't have money to buy fresh veggies and fruit.

If she's genetically programmed to be overweight then there's not a lot she can do about it except struggle and battle it the rest of her life. If she's programmed to be a more acceptable size then yes, she can eat unhealthy things and get fat, but chances are she will not do that if she eats normal foods as a child.

I see so many people who get away from home for the first time in college or when they get their first apartment. They binge and eat every unhealthy food day after day after day...they can't get enough candy, sugar, pop, coffee, pie, cake, etc....because they weren't allowed to eat it as kids.

Eating a balanced diet is good for kids. It gives them a good basis for choosing good food as an adult. BUT keeping certain foods completely away from them can have the opposite effect when they are given a choice to eat something not so good for them.

Teach her what foods give her energy and make her stronger. Then teach her that the foods that are not so healthy can be a pleasure to eat every now and then.

My only suggestion is to print out some pictures from women with Anorexia. Show them to your father in private and tell him that THIS is what happens when people make comments to YOUNG GIRLS about their weight. Seriously, he needs to shut up. I've had to deprogram DD about some things that her grandparents say in general (nothing about weight). I can't stand it when people are ignorant of how damaging words can be to children.

There is so much more to weight issues than what you eat. It is mostly a battle of number of calories VS activity. If an athlete ate a moderate diet as the rest of us are supposed to they would be rail thin and sickly. It takes a lot of calories to be able to work out and do all the practices they do on a daily basis. It doesn't matter if they are a football player or an ice skater.

Maybe if you talk to your dad and explain about her daily activities vs her daily diet he will understand.

The conversation needs to be had with your dad first and foremost. He is setting the foundation for damaging her self esteem and self confidence. His comments are in no way helpful or precautionary. And even if she wasn't tall and thin, he's out of line for making those statements.