My Almost Ten Year Old Son Is Getting Some Anti-semitic Comments from Classmates

sorry to hear your son is experiencing this. A few thoughts:
Like the PPs said, let your son know that people who make derogatory comments about people who are 'different' are insecure and want to make themselves feel better by making others feel worse, and often times they target a group because they're *jealous* of that group's skills and abilities. And maybe talk with him about the countless brilliant Jewish scientists, artists, musicians, and writers that have benefitted humanity with their skills.

And perhaps, with the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday approaching, you could suggest that the class have some sort of project highlighting how people of different religions and ethnicities have contributed to American society.

Vicki,
You know, I just read this post and had to call my husband and read it to him. We are both Jewish and have yet to get this problem (our son is in preschool).
My first response was to tell your son not to be ashamed of being Jewish!! He should be proud of who he is.
My husband on the other hand (being a New Yorker), said for your son to tell the other kids that they are right. We are money hungry. We work hard, get great educations, have nice things, earn a lot of money and that those other kids should be jealous of us because we do have work great ethics, are smart and know how to be successful! (Teasing is a sign of jealousy.)
I tend to agree with my husband and would relay these things to our son if he ever has a similar situation.

Unfortunately there are still ignorant people out there, who teach their kids about racism and anti-semitism. Tell your son to stick up for himself and he will go far!!

I'm sure most other moms will disagree with me, and you probably will too, but here's an unusual suggestion:

While "South Park" is a really crass and profane tv show, it's really funny (in my opinion) and actually discusses real issues in a kind of backward way. If you're not too offended by bad language, etc., a kid can actually learn a lot from South Park. One of the characters is Jewish, and is always being insulted by another character about it. I believe my kids have learned a lot about tolerance from the show, and it has also helped teach them to deal with taunts from other kids.

You'd have to see it yourself first; I know this idea is probably not for most moms. Just a weird suggestion.

I think everybody is assuming that you're in the Bay Area but you're in Eureka - a very conservative and white community (I believe). Obviously you are instilling pride in your culture with your son but would it be wrong to tell your son that these boys are red-necks? The boys are hearing these comments at home - these thoughts don't just pop into their head. I'm sorry I can't offer a better suggestion. Good-luck.

Wow....that is really shocking to hear...I really think you are dealing with kids parents who are intellectually educated about people's cultures and beliefs. Very sad. Have you talked to your Rabbi (sorry, not sure about spelling)....I think if it was my son, I would explain to them that sometimes people who dont' understand other cultures and religions will make uncalled for remarks because they just don't understand.

I am not Jewish, but had wonderful Jewish relatives, one being my grandmother....our family were Christians and Jewish....we were taught, learned and gave respect to both of these faiths...so when I hear something like this it gets under my skin that people just are not educated about cultures and faiths.

If you are close with his homeroom teacher you may just want to talk to her about it and see what advice she might give you..unfortunately, she's probably come across this problem before.

Best wishes.

Hi V.

it's great the teacher spoke directly to the students, however, I think the parents also need to be spoken to...
Obviously , the kids must be getting that kind of thinking from somewhere.

My son was teased for being a bit over weight and was becoming nervous about seeing the other kid at school. Well I put a stop to it right away, I spoke to the principal whom in turn spoke with the kid. The kid who was a few grades ahead of my son actually thought it was being playful, but the principal explained to him that he was NOT. and the comments and teasing stopped ASAP.....
with regard to the comments, kids at that age have no real concept of what stereotypes are and use words freely. I would honestly talk to the principal and too, perhaps the teacher can hold a lesson in the classroom about racism. she needn't blame the specific kids.
Although, I definitely think the parents of those kids need to be spoken to.. while the parents may not be talking that way at home, they learned it somewhere, could be movies or other friends/family apart from school.
my son comes home and at times says the wildest things and I am like, what... where did you ever hear that??? and often I will get, well so and so says it at school.. so it's very hard to tell where exactly kids pick up their ideas.
I wish you the best

If the teacher was unable to stop it, the next step is the school's principal, to demand (nicely, of course) an anti-bullying program for the school if one doesn't exist already. I thought all schools were terrified of being called lax about bullying after Columbine. Also, even if your son is embarrassed at first, he'll learn a lesson watching you stand up for (yourself and) him, refusing to take any nonsense.

I dont know which school you are at but I would like to tell you about one fabulous school in Sonoma, Woodland Star. I have found that the families and children are very kind, open minded, and are taught about various spiritual practices as a way to give the children the ability to connect with history and understand others. Check it Out. It is a waldorf inspired K-8. My daughter is in the 4th grade there.

As a teacher and a mom who's jewish I feel your pain. I have not encountered it yet with my children, because they are young. But sadly as a teacher I have seen more than I would like to of anti-semitic tendencies in school. Unfortunately this comes from the parents usually. My suggestion would be to take it to the next level if the problems don't stop with the student and teacher conversation. I would talk to the principal and make it known that there are comments being made, maybe even at PTA. Also you might want to talk to the teacher again about addressing the whole class about diversity and not making fun of people for any of their differences. Hope it helps, its a rough situation

Religious freedom is your sons 1st Amendment right. That school needs to take this seriously. No one has the right to discriminate against your son because he is Jewish. I guarantee you if your son was black, or muslim, the school would be all over them.

Though being Jewish will forever bring discrimination misunderstanding and hatred. It always has.

Being discriminated against for being a certain race and/or religion angers me. Especially in this day and age.

That boy who is teasing your son should be suspended for hate.

Hi there,

I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to say I'm so sorry your family is having this problem! It makes me sad and amazed to think that this kind of thing goes on. Just wanted to show some support!

H.

V.,

Tell you little guy to stand up for himself and let the boys know that he will be happy to compare his report card to theirs since they think, “Jews aren’t smart”.

Tell him the people who make fun, bully and try to hurt others feelings are probably insecure and don’t understand about being proud of one’s heritage.

I would also enlist the help of his Hebrew instructor in helping him to understand what it means to be Jewish and that we all need to take pride in our respective heritages without judging that one is better/superior to the other.

Blessings....

That is one of the reasons I home school. I realize that doesn't help you, but it's true. Kids can be tough!..Just help your son realize that you are completely right when you say that just anything different from the 'norm' is a draw for comments from kids. From wearing glasses, to being too short or too tall, the other kids will point it out in an effort to draw attention away from themselves. So, the boy who commented so abrubtly and ignorantly towards your boy was probably suffering inside with his own insecurities. I don't think there is a kid out there that thinks, "Yeah, I am the plumline for normal." That is why they "tease"; it is a natural response to "pick" on someone else's perceived faults or differences and maybe, just maybe, no one will see my faults/differences. Tell your boy to remain proud of his heritage. As a christian, I teach my kids to pray for their enemies. Maybe that is the way to go. God Bless...hang in there...and just support him and encourage him to persevere. Tell him a sense of humor is the best defense with kids...when they say money grubbing...say back, "well, then I guess I won't be poor!" ha ha...When you turn it around, it looses it's power. Help him come up with responsive comments to brush off the insults. BTW there is no real recourse through the school; ultimately, they have no real power over the poor/insensitive behavior of their students.

I would certainly bring this up with your rabbi/community leader as well as the principal. There was a young kid in my Jewish community who was being similarly harrassed at school and our rabbi was very responsive to the problem. He even visited the school to talk about tolerance.

I'm concerned also that your son has started to feel ashamed of being Jewish. As best as you can, try to involve him in some fun Jewish activities where we can begin to appreciate his religion and heritage again. Perhaps your Jewish community has a sports, music, theatre or arts program where his peers will all be Jewish. Are there other Jewish-related activities in your area? How about making shabbat something really special for him every week so he can see how enriching it can be to be Jewish. You could regularly get together for shabbat dinner with another Jewish family that has kids your son is friends with. I'm sure if you search online or talk to other Jewish families you can come up with some other great ideas about making being Jewish fun. He should be proud of what he is! best of luck!

First of all, it was 4th grade that it began to be difficult for my son.........opinions simply came "out of the woodwork" as opposed to the Primary years, so that part seems normal to me, although it doesn't make it right. Your son needs to be confident within his home about who he is, no matter what his religion.

I really want to commend you for being a part of your son's classroom. It is truly important, in my opinion, and even though he is getting older, I bet he truly appreciates it.....of course, until now.

I have to be honest, I don't know much about the game :o) But, I find it odd that you would go in and play any sort of game relating to your religion, and especially odd that the teacher would allow it. Unless, of course, it was cirriculum related and you were discussing different religions, and you were a guest speaker. In any case, I would be upset if my son were in the class, and the Jewish religion game was all that was allowed and focused on that week.

If I were in your shoes, I might try to "redeem myself" and show that just because you are a Jewish family (in their eyes, not mine) you can still have fun (and be smart). Maybe you can go in there and lead a different game.....maybe a fun "math facts" game with a multiplication race......it's non-religious, cirriculum related, and it shows fun and it will show your son being smart :o) At least, the other Jewish boys I've known from my sons class were all really good at their math facts , and I'm sure yours is too :o)

For now, I would explain to your son that your game was misunderstood, and the attitude's will go away, so just be patient for now. I wouldn't try to do anything else except for redemption in an innocent way.

In my 10 years of helping in the classroom, nobody has ever been asked to come in and do anything "religous" in a public school, so this is odd to me. I mean, we are in a place of our government that they are considering changing the Pledge of Allegiance, so why would ANY teacher allow any sort of religous conflict in his/her classroom is beyond me. That will just open a can of worms, as you are discovering.

Just let it lie......don't persue anything except for redemption that you are a regular fun family just like those in the class.

~N. :o)

WOW!!! This is NOT acceptable, and the teacher needs to be more direct in handeling this kind of nastiness. If the teacher cannot then the principal needs to be involved and a conversation with all of the 4th graders, not seperating out the one boy, about how we all are different and need to be respected. This is a total disrespect for all cultures not just Jews.

Unfortunately just about anyone can be faced with prejudice at least once in their lifetime. This from an Anglo-Saxon, Christian, white woman. =) You wouldn't think that I have faced prejudice but I have. It actually is a good topic for discussion with your son. You can start with "people aren't born with prejudice, it is something they are taught". Explain to him that the kids don't REALLY hate him, they are just parroting something they have heard. The whole "money grubbing" thing is based in a historical twist of truth. Yes, Jewish people have been money lenders, but so have other people. There have been good and bad people in every ethnicity. I think if I were in your shoes I would have that particular discussion AND I would have him say something like, "Hm, you have some interesting ideas about being Jewish, have you ever KNOWN anyone Jewish? No? I see. Well now you do! Instead of making judgments on things you don't know how about getting to know ME and decide, then you will actually say you have known one. You might be surprised, I might actually be a nice, honest, non-money grubbing person."
Being angry and fighting back is never the answer. Ignorance fosters anger. If your son can stand up calmly, be honest and be a good example then he is not only showing the best of his faith he is also showing the best of what humans should be.
Frankly I am surprised to hear this in this area, we have such a diverse group of people with all kinds of beliefs. BUT I also feel that we have approached things wrong in our schools. Instead of taking away our individuality and replacing it with sameness we should be embracing our differences. How much better would be for our children to have you and your son come into class and talk about your beliefs, your history! It would dispel some of the ignorance and anger, give the children food for thought, maybe help them to make a new friend and explore their world more.
Good luck and Shalom!

As an amendment to those moms that are really angry that the kids feel this way...I remember being around that age and doodling....making Swastikas. I put them on my book cover and thought they looked neat. I remember having a teacher and other kids jump all over me for being a Nazi. I had a vague idea that they were "bad" people but didn't know the connection with what I was drawing. When I read "the diary of Ann Frank" I was horrified. By the way, the swastika used to be a wonderful symbol used in Folk Art, a lot of those items have been destroyed because of that strong association. The point is, some times it is innocent ignorance, sometimes negative comments they are parroting from someone else. Getting angry at the child doesn't help the situation. It is our responsibility as adults to help them understand each other and to teach tolerance rather than hatred.

The child who is teasing your son is in the fourth grade so I am quite certain the opinions he is forming are coming from home...if not from his parents, than certainly from older siblings, relatives or maybe even neighbors. I am more of a hands on parent and when faced with a similar situation, I also first reported it to the school. I did not wait for the school to handle it, however, I called the parent of the other child and informed them of what had been happening at school. Needless to say, the matter was resolved.

I tend to believe the parent to parent approach is effective because #1-if the parents are not aware that their son has been saying these things, they can now consider themselves informed and respond accordingly, #2-if they are aware, and feel the same way as their son does about Jews, then perhaps they will learn to keep their mouths shut around their kids or instruct the child not to carry dinner table conversation back to school, and #3-both the other parent AND YOUR SON will know that you mean business, and that you will not stand by quietly while your son is attacked or harrassed. This is a very important message to give to your child because he needs to know that you are willing to fight for him. Additionally, there are both State and Federal laws on the books that you can feel free to use to threatenen both your sons school with, as well as the other kids parents. In these situations, nothing is more dangerous than an informed, empowered parent!

Here is an informational piece I did on this topic a few months ago. Hope this helps:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiLdgc9o2bU

As a parent who was bullied myself as a child, I encourage you to stay on top of this and don't let it go. Being nice, praying and educating a bully only works for so long, sometimes it is truly necessary to bring in the "big dogs" and let everyone involved know that you are willing and prepared to do whatever necessary to protect your child.

Take care, and good luck,
D.-

I didn't read all the responses, but I would also like to express my sympathy for you and your son! My take on this is that even if your school community is at a loss on how to deal with anti-Semitism/discrimination they should have a policy in place about dealing with bullies. The teacher didn't go far enough if she only talked to the boy who said those things, she needs to involve his parents as well. Good luck!