My Almost 4 Year Old Is Soooo Whiney

Hi S.,

I think Patty had some great advice for you. I'll add to it with a couple thoughts. When my kids would whine, I would continue doing what I was doing and simply say, "I can't understand your voice when you talk like that." After I'd repeat that line a few times then I'd add "Try telling me in your nice voice." When they did, I'd say, "Oh, I like your nice voice so much. Now I can listen to you." It's an exhausting lesson but worth it.

Also (and this is true for ALL negative behavior), NEVER reinforce their negative bahavior by telling people what they do in front of them. For example, when a child hides their head when spoken to, I hear so many parents say, "Oh, she's so shy." Rather, it would be better to look at the other person and simply say, "sorry". Then whisper to the child, "when people talk to you, it is polite to look at them and answer".

Never let your son hear you say, "he is so whiney". Only acknowledge good behavior to others in his presence.

Hang in there. If your husband is gone as much as I expect he is a driver, whining kids can be doubly exhausting with no break. Find time for your needed breaks!

K.

With my daughter, the only thing that stops (she will slip once in a while) the whining is possitive re-enforcement. When she's talking nice and not whining when she asks for something, etc...we give her a marble. (she fills up her little jar and gets to pick out something cool either at the store, or a fun playdate, etc.) When she whines...no matter what it is...(unless she's hurt) we tell her how to say it without whining. Most cases, she's repeating exactly what we tell her to say but with a different tone. It sounds silly and sometimes she doesn't want to cooperate by saying it the way we want to hear it, but she knows that we won't give her what she wants (whether it's attention or material) until we hear the nice words without whining. Eventually, she gives in and says it nice. Then, when we see her making an effort on her own, we volunteer a marble for talking nice without whining.

just a tip (of which you already know) but when my daugther is in a fit...and can't say the words nice because she can't muster up the courage and let go of her emotions long enough to get it out without whining, we tell her, "It's ok...take your time. Take a few big deep breaths and then tell us again nicely without whining. We'll listen to you when you're ready so take your time and calm down a bit so you can ask nice." It sounds like alot for a kid at 3 or 4 to understand, but they understand alot more than we give them credit for, so don't underestimate him. I find that if I sympathize a bit, she'll be more willing to try.

Hi S.,

I don't have any magical solutions for you, but I do know that 3 was WAY worse than 2 with my son (now 6)... I always tell people who complain about the terrible two's to be happy they're getting it now, instead of at 3, when they're so much more verbal and just plain bigger!

You could try talking to him about it when he's not on the verge of a melt down, and making a plan for what will happen when he starts whining. Then, when it does happen, he knows what to expect & may be reassured by the fact that you're still in control even though he isn't?

We use time outs as time to "collect yourself" or "calm down" or sometimes "fix your voice" (for whining) rather than as a consequence, so they can last much longer than 3 or 4 minutes. By not letting him rejoin whatever's going on until he can use a nice voice again, you give him some control over the situation, and when he does calm down, you can lavish him with praise for getting himself back together. You maybe could discuss ways he could calm himself (snuggle up with a blankie or stuffed animal, listen to some music or look at a book, take several deep breaths - we have to say "Blow at the wall way across the room"), again, at a time when he's calm & happy, not in the middle of losing it.

In the end, I think it's just a stage they go through and you have to wait it out without being a total doormat (which it doesn't sound like you are at all).

Good luck!

Hi S.,

From whta i am reading your middle child is the whiny one.

Has he been like this since he was little or did it start just a few months ago?

If it started a few months ago, he could be going through "the I am not the baby" stage anymore. Our son did that. He was the center of attention until our daughter was born. Big shocker to him. He started crying and whining too.
But he outgrew it. It was a struggle for attention. Our daughter was very sick when she was little, so she got a lot fo attention.

Could be it. Perhaps not.

Best wishes,

J.

One good book I wish I had read long ago, but am reading now, is "Boundaries with Kids". Each chapter gives me new options for helping my daughter control her own behavior and it's transforming our relationship.

We found that time outs stopped working at this point and started "grounding" instead. We will take away something he likes to do ( movie, toy etc.) for a set period of time. His whining fits have gotten less and less over time because it is a specific punishment for a specific behavior. That makes it easier for a young child to keep track of once time out stops meaning anything.