I'm sorry you are facing this. So many of us do, though I'm sure you feel quite alone in this. However, you need to use less emotions right now and use more intellect instead, for your grandfather's sake. It worries me that you don't know what you are doing, but are doing something anyway. You may be making things worse. Stop massaging him until you are told to do it.
Your grandfather made the decision long ago to smoke. He knows it is bad for his health. You love him and want him to live forever. That is totally understandable. But you must come to a place in your heart and mind where you know that he has some real health issues, some of them caused by cigarettes, and he is not a young man.
He needs to listen to the doctor's advice. He needs to stop smoking. You need to learn what to do to help him and not just make this stuff up as you go. Part of what you will be doing is pallative care. Some of it is controlling his diet if you are cooking for him. Toileting and bathing are the other parts.
You could go by a nursing home and ask if you could shadow a nurse for a day so that you can see how she helps patients. You can also see what aides they use to help them. There are places you can buy medical supplies - seats to put in the tub or shower that he can sit on to be washed, handles that can be used in the bathroom, seats to sit on top of the toilet, etc. Watching them work with elderly people will give you ideas on how to help him. You can also watch an occupational therapist help someone get out of a bed or chair. That's important not only for your grandfather - it's important for YOU. If you do it wrong, you can throw your back out. You don't want to throw your back out - trust me on that...
If you are picking your grandfather up off the floor, there is a serious problem, and you need to pay attention to the implications. First, why is it happening? Is he tripping? Is he losing consciencness first? Is he giving out and just can't stand up? What would help? A walker? A wheelchair? Oxygen?
You MUST work with the doctor to ascertain why he is falling. The next time you go to pick him up off the floor, he might have a broken hip. Falls are very dangerous for old people. It's the beginning of the end for many of them.
You cannot be the only one taking care of him. You need time to take care of yourself and your own life. You need to be able to shop and do the banking and if you work, that's a whole other ball of wax. You can go to social services and get him some help. Don't see that as abdicating your responsibility. See that as part of your responsibility - getting him help. It's really important.
You need to talk to him about a medical power of attorney. As hard as it is to talk about dying and being on life support/breathing tubes and having his chest cracked open, you HAVE to talk about it. You need to know what he wants. It's his chest. It's his breathing. It's HIM who will be in a hospital bed with machines keeping him alive. Does he want to live that way? Don't wait until he can't talk to you. Don't make these decisions on your own. Discuss it now. Put it in a living will - the hospital can give you one. Does he want a DNR? Find out exactly how far you can go without violating the DNR. A medical power of attorney will make it so that you can work with the doctors on your grandfather's behalf to carry out HIS wishes.
You also need to talk about a financial power of attorney. Does he have a will? Dying intestate is a terrible burden on his surviving family members. He doesn't want to do that to you. Where are all of his assets? Do you know where all his accounts are? How about his taxes? At some point he won't be able to handle his business anymore. You will need to be able to pay his bills for him, access his bank account, act for him. That requires a financial power of attorney.
One thing that is SO hard to do is to write an obituary. It's doubly hard to write it right after your loved one has passed away. You may feel that talking about his last wishes for the funeral home is morbid. It isn't. It's necessary. It's a way of sharing. Go to the funeral home he wants to use and and ask for their packet. Go over it with him. Even down to the songs he wants the organ to play, talk about it. He may even want to write his own obit. You can get as much done as possible and give it to the funeral home to put in his file. You should also have all his life insurance papers, policy numbers, and phone numbers together, and know who shows as the owner, and know who the beneficiaries are. Most of the time, the funeral home will take care of handling all the paperwork for getting the life insurance. It is a blessing for them to do that for you right after losing a loved one.
How do I know all this, NJD? Because I've been there. More than once too. Have my mom and I gone through this conversation? Yes. I even have her obit. Thank goodness. She and I stayed up all night to write Daddy's. And I had just gotten off a plane from flying for 16 hours from overseas. I don't want to go through that again with her. She wrote it herself and put in there what she thought was important. And yes, there's a file with all of her important information at the funeral home she has chosen. We have already picked out and paid for all her cemetary choices as well.
It will still be hard, but it won't be AS hard because she chose to plan in advance.
I know this isn't what you wanted to hear right now, but I don't know if you will ever ask again, or if anyone will talk to you about it. I promise that at some point, you will want someone to have told you.
And yes, I'm sending prayers and positive energy your way. At least you are with him - I was overseas when my father died.
Dawn
