My 9 Yr Old Gets Anxiety Staying Overnight with Friends

Having raised a child with anxiety, he is now 17 years old, I say don't make her spend the nite if she is not comfortable. My son tried many times to spend the nite with his friends and sometimes family but he wasn't able to do it till he was 14 years old and we didn't push it. If he went and tried to spend the nite and called and wanted to come home, we always went and got him and didn't give him any hassles about it. he just kept trying.and he always had a cell phone with him so that he could call us at anytime, which i think helped him feel better when he finally did stay all nite at his friends, he knew he could call me and sometimes he did just to talk and calm himself. Anxiety is a valid disorder that most people have all of their lives. My son has taken medication for it in the past. At the age of 17 he seems to be coping with it fairly well without medication. good luck!

Glad to hear I'm not the only one who's felt that way! When I was a little girl, I did the same thing. My parents would always come get me, no matter what time. I always really wanted to make it all night, but just missed home too much. I just kept trying and eventually LOVED sleepovers! She'll get there!!! Just do what she feels comfortable with and don't shame her into staying.

I wouldn't push her! She has plenty of time to develop social skills. Being comfortable spending the night at someones house is not a requirement for being a successful adult.

j

My daughter was also anxious about staying overnight with a friend. I told her it was OK for her not to spend the night. She didn't stay overnight for several months. When she was ready to try it again I told her that she could call me to come get her at any time of the night. She did call me a couple of times. I remember that talking with me helped to reassure her and she ended up staying.

I do not agree with "toughing it out." These are real emotions and I see nothing about staying overnight that is important enough for her to have this pain. There are enough things to deal with without this issue. If she were having anxiety over going to school I would explore that issue because school is important and necessary. There may have to be a certain amount of "toughing it out" when it comes to school but definitely not staying overnight. She will mature and be able to handle it.

If she chooses to try staying overnight reassure her that she can call you at any time. If that doesn't reassure her, pick her up. Leave the choice to her. As adults we choose to do what is comfortable for us over doing something that causes pain when the consequences are minor. Giving her the opportunity to make the choice may help her to feel better about staying.

I read through the other responses first to see if this is mentioned. My son had this issue too. Oddly, the anxiety was coming from a dietary disorder called celiac. It's first symptom for him was a "gut feeling" that something was wrong. (it was... inside his gut, but he didn't know that.) You said it runs in your family, so does Celiac) I did not know that I had it until after he was diagnosed. although throwing up & diarrhea are the 2 biggest symptoms, there is a boat load of other more obscure things, that get blamed on other stuff.

After we'd been gluten (wheat free) for a while. He said, "WOW, mom, I didn't know how bad I felt, until I felt better. I'm not stressed out any more. That feeling like something is wrong is gone." So, not every kid who doesn't want to be away at night has this issue, but since it does run in the family, it bears looking into. GO TO CELIAC.COM and find the symptoms page, & see if you, your child, or others in your family have a few of the symptoms. If not, then skip it. However if it's looking like your family history, it bears asking a doctor to test her.

I agree with the other mom's in the mean time, LOVE & COMFORT is what we as adults want when we're stressed out, right? How much more so for a child.

Give her a hug for me too. :)
Ang

I feel your pain! I suffered from panic/anxiety attacks for about 8 yrs. I've always had them but 8 yrs ago they hit a peak to where one would start before the last one ended! I was finally medicated when in the midst of an attack I happen to be @ the Dr.'s and my BP was 220/180! I went to counseling for about 8 months, that helped but I stayed on my meds for a total of 6 yrs til I was pregnant with my son and I just stopped and thankfully I have only had one mild attack since. The meds were more of a placebo/crutch the last 2 yrs as I had cut my dose in half after the first 6 months and had not had an "bad" attack in quite some time, and I knew I was ready to go off, you could have given me a sugar pill and it would have had the same effect. ANYWAY. . .This is about your daughter. Sounds to me you are doing everything possible to assure her and make her feel safe. How lucky she is to have a mom that can honestly understand what she is going thru. I don't know that you would want to medicate being so young, or counseling maybe? Because hopefully it is just a "phase" so to speak. But they say once you have them you are more prone to have them in the future. My therapist had me buy this great book, "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" I am not sure if it is to mature for a 9 yr old or not. Maybe see if you can find a book/books that may help her understand what she is feeling and how to cope. Remember, an attack is only a rush of adrenaline and it will pass quicker the less you fight it, the more you fight it the longer it will last. Once my therapist explained the physical reactions to me, how/why that helped ALOT. But me the CONTROL FREAK to awhile to "let go". Anyway, I could go on forever, I hope in my babbling you found at least some help you were looking for or at least a lil' comfort? Good Luck and if you ever need to talk look me up!
S.
I read the other responses and I hope mine was not to over the top, because in your request this sounded more like the "real" thing not the normal angst the other moms were talking about. Right?

This sounds so much like my daughter! I have a 9 yo that gets stomach aches if asked to a party, is late to school, has a test, etc. We have used some techniques that have really helped, and I'll share those, but first I'll address the sleepover issue.

My daughter made up the idea of "leftover nights". I'm not quite sure why she calls them that, other than it sounds like "sleep over". Leftover nights consist of going to your friends' home, eating dinner, playing, getting into jammies for the movie and then getting picked up at 10 by a parent. It has really cuaght on with her friends parent's too, because kids can then go home and get a good night's sleep. We even have leftover night parties, usually on Friday nights. The girls go to one home after school and do the girl sleepover stuff until 10 when all get picked up.
Works great.

We have tried some cognitive stuff that has helped (reading about childhood anxiety on the computer so she knows she is not the only one) reading books like Math Curse, Wemberly Worries, etc. She has gone to an alternative practitioner that does "Body Talk" (it's a little left field really, but my daughter is very suggestable) who tapped out/massaged out her anxiety. The woman who did it did a great job, even tho I was super sceptical. Her name is Kirsten Hope. You can google her.

We do a lot of breathing and talking. Another good tool is setting up an email account for your daughter. Mine emails me every day when she gets home to tell me how she is. Sometimes she is able to write things she'd be embarassed to say...plus her emails are so cute! Good luck!

Hello,
I use to do the exact same thing. I could never make it through the night. It eventually stopped. It seems like it stopped when I became really close with two particular girlfriends. I was more comfortable with them and their parents. Maybe your daughter is staying with kids that she doesn't really feel that close to. My suggestion is have her try staying with family or people she is really comfortable with and also let her have her friends stay at your house with her. I'm sure as she gets older and becomes more comfortable with it. She'll be fine. Good luck!

Ah, I just erased my WHOLE message to you! In a nutshell, you and I both know anxiety has biological components - it is a misfiring in the brain. For your husband to say she should stick it out is like telling a diabetic to make their own insulin. Please read "The Anxiety Cure". It explains anxiety well and gives many coping techniques. Also consider medication. My daughter took imipramine for several years starting in the third grade to help her anxiety at nighttime. It worked wonders. She is now a junior in high school and no longer takes it. Please contact me via email if you'd like to chat - I'd be happy to!

Dear L. T:

I know how you feel. I have an 11 year-old who has just now begun to feel comfortable sleeping at a friend's house. She always starts out excited but by about 11:00 p.m. the phone rings and she wants to come home. My husband also says make her stay but I want her to know I will always come get her if she is ever in a place she feels uncomfortable. Something may be happening at the home she is afraid to tell you. Even if nothing is happening except she is having anxiety attacks let her know it is okay. We usually explain to the friend's parents beforehand that she has this issue. At home we worked on relaxation techniques such as imagining she is walking in a peaceful meadow where horses are (she loves horses). Sometimes this helps her relax enough that she is able to fall asleep. I have found that having playtime at that specific friends house during the day also helps as she feels comfortable in their home before spending the night. This has helped our daughter. She is 11 and occasionally still wants to come home but for the most part she is able to stay the entire night. S. M.

I would encourage you to start to talk with your PCP to make sure that there is no medical explanations....you would be surprised what looks behavioral and is actually medical...if no medical, I would encourage you to talk with a counselor that works with kids....anxiety is a tricky issue and sometimes what we think is "supportive" can actually increase or extend the anxiety symptoms. Learning how to reframe the situation for success could lead to a better outcome. If this is not an option, workbooks for kids on anxiety are great. The one mentioned by in an earlier response is actually a little beyond the scope of a 9 y.o......however I really like..."What to do when you worry to much, a kids guide to overcoming anxiety"....there are also several great reads for parents who are raising anxious kids so that could be helpful. Good Luck!

I have my daughter have same problem. She always says stomachache when she stays overnight. I keep moving on as long as she can do. She tried at few times at her friend Val s place. Now she finally got used to it. I notice new place, new faces of parents or siblings make my daughter anxeity or stomachache. She took more times to go over new place at few times to get used to it except she has no problem since toddler time she has a good friend. She never say stomachache. Anyway. I suggest that whoever the family try to do some activities or more open warm family and do over and over. Ur daughter will might break the habit of anxiety or feel sick.

K.

I'd start with overnights with people she is more comfortable with... like grandparents or an Aunt. You could also hang out with her at the friend's house until after she falls alseep and then go home.

If all else fails, allow her overnights at your house, and don't force anything on her... it will just make it worse. If your daughter cannot trust that you will let her back out if it gets to be too much, then she will never be willing to try.

Has she had children stay over with her at her house? Perhaps she needs to come to this gradually. You have two children...do you know anyone with two children the same age? Perhaps if both siblings were to "sleep over" they would both be comfortable? Five isn't too young, as long as she wants to and everyone is willing.
What about relatives? If she sleeps over at a relative's house, without you (or while you are out late on a date)she may have an easier transition to friends.
Then again, some adults aren't comfortable staying in a hotel...so this might cause her anxiety even when she's older.

I would NEVER force her to stay at a friend's house...that will only increase her anxiety later. Good luck!

my Mom always boiled water and put vicks in it, then you put a towel over your head and just breathed the steam, another idea is a saline sloution, to rince out the nasal cavity, I think the best way to tell if it is a infection is if you bend over and the teeth on that side of your face hurt, also any color of discharge from creamy to yellow or green could be infection, I always founf that infectiion smells, or tastes funny if it drips down your throat.
Elevate your pillow so you don't get a big build up.
lastly one of my grammas remedies is to soak balck teabags in hot water and use those to draw out infection (so instead of a washcloth you use the tea bags) hope you feel better, Take good care.

Some children just aren't emotionally mature enough to be away overnight at nine. That can make it rough if something should happen where you would need for her to be away from you overnight. Do you have a relative who lives near enough that your daughter could spend an occasional night with? Does your daughter have any of her friends over for a sleepover? It would be good for her to see how they handle it. Maybe you'll just need to give her a few more months and then try it again.

My son was the same way up to about 12 years old. He is now 13 and is very particular as to where he stays overnight. He would much rather have his friends stay at our house - and we like that better also. The anxiety trait runs on his Dad's side of the family - so we understand that issue --- there are no easy answers to dealing with it. Puberty makes anxiety occur regularly -- we are trying to remain calm and keep life as stress free as possible. Ahhh ---staying calm and "positive" really helps each and every time --- not always easy --- but it works. Good luck!

I have a nine year old daughter who deals with anxiety also. She has always dealt with it and it is getting worse as she gets older. She can stay at her grandparents and stays at her fathers every other weekend but cries herself to sleep or just stays awake all night. This is very hard to deal with especially when people dont understand. I always try to say ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen and then I let her choose. I find she has done more when the choice is left up to her rather than be pressured. I just hope she never misses out on fun in life due to the anxiety. It seems hard to say what's the worst that could happened but during the midst of divorce court and counseling for her that is what I was told to tell her. I give it to God once she goes and pray it goes well.

I'd recommend findnig a good children's counselor for her to have a few sessions with. I also struggled with similar issues when I was her age and they ballooned as I became an adult. I the past five years or so, I've finally overcome the majority of my anxiety issues, but I think if I'd gotten some help as a child I may have had an easier time of things once I went off to college and eventually moved out on my own. I agree with stopping the sleepovers, but I think it's best to try to deal with her anxiety issues now as opposed to her toughing it out. Children aren't able to cope with anxiety attacks on their own.

Lots of kids don't feel comfortable in a strange home. I wouldn't push her...

The worst THING that could happen...oh my gosh!!

Bad things can and do happen brothers or fathers slipping into kids beds ,not knowing how to get out in case of a fire, kids getting into cigerettes or liquour,sneaking out after dark etc etc

Let her feel safe..no need for over nights

I would say that maybe staying at others houses is just not a necessity. Maybe she should just host her friends at your house instead? And as she gets older and gains confidence, maybe going places overnight won't be so bad. Hope this helps! God bless you and your family!

Do you have family close? If so maybe she could start by spending the night at Grandma's or someone else she is close to. Maybe having her friends stay the night at your house so she can see how much fun it is. Have her spend more time with the parents of the girl she is spending the night with so she can see how wonderful they are. Maybe several play dates until she feels more comfortable with them. My girl could never just go spend the night with a family she didn't know. After she got to know them then it was no big deal.

L., I'm thinking your daughter needs time to grow a bit before she attempts to stay over at friends' houses. Have friends stay with her. Have her spend afternoons and evenings with friends for now and plan to come home at bedtime. As she gets older, she will get better at dealing with the anxiety, but for now, 9 and almost 10 isn't really all that old. Forcing the issue will only make it worse and trying and failing will make her feel guilty on top of the anxiety. Did all of your family grow out of the anxiety? Did some of you have a bit of counseling to help work through it? That's an option. My younger sister was quite ill as a baby and spent time in the hospital. She suffered separation anxiety as a child and was unable to stay overnight away from home until she was in high school.It was pretty awful. When she went to college she went the furthest from home. Very brave.

Give your daughter some space and allow her to grow a bit. Check your library for some books for children her age about kids who have trouble staying over night. That might help. Ask the children's librarian for help. I'm talking about children's fiction.

I wish you and your daughter the best. I know how difficult this can be to work through. Kindness and compassion are your best tools.

L.,

I think you're doing everything the way you should right now. Love her to pieces, and let her know that she can come home if she just can't deal. I haven't dealt with this kind of anxiety, but I've seen it. I think that if she knows that she can come home if she just can't deal, with no fuss and no questions asked, it might get better.

As for the advice, I was bullied terribly as a child and the advice that was given to me by my dad was less that worthless. I know you mean well by telling her to say so what? no big deal, and all that, but what she really wants is to know that you love and accept her just the way she is.

Do you have sleepovers at your house? That might help her anxiety if she can have a party on her home turf.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Boy do I feel for you. We have the same problem with my 12 (almost 13 year old) stepson. Lots of homesickness issues. Last summer we sent him to camp for the first time in 2 years (hadn't been because he was homesick at camp at 10). He was miserable. About 3 or 4 days in, we finally told him he had to stop calling us and that he was going to stay at camp. (One of the hardest things we've had to do.) He ended up having a great time the last 3 days. Once there was no option of coming home, he was good.

However, I totally understand your concerns with leaving her at someone's house. Perhaps she could start by staying with trusted relatives? Get comfortable with that and then try friends again?

I wish I had some wonderful advice, but we are still struggling, too. Good luck!

Just thought I'd share what we do... We have the rule of no sleep-overs unless someones parents are out of town and that is what is needed. My mom had that rule when I was a kids. She'd say that there isn't anything that you can do during the night, that you can't do during the day. We'd try to argue that we wanted to put up a tent, or eat popcorn in our PJ's... she'd say, "You can do that during the day." My 12 year old had her last Birthday party start at 10:00am and end at 7:00pm. Her friends came and left and came again if there as another activity that they were going to that day. They even made and decorated the cake! They had so much fun and it wasn't a rush to try and fit everything into a 2 hour party. I've even stayed late at a slumber party, then was picked up and taken home to sleep in my own bed, then taken back first thing in the morning to enjoy all the breakfast morning fun. Just thought I'd share.
A bit about me... I have 5 children and am able to be a stay-at-home-mom. My hubby and I have been married 15 years.

My son, who is now 16, went through a two year period of not being able to spend the night at a friends house when he was 2nd-4th grades. It happened shortly after my father, his grandfather, passed away. He really wanted to and would take everything to his friends house for the night. He would call us about midnight wanting to come home. It finally got to the point that we said he wasn't able to spend the night at his friends house. In the summer between 4th and 5th grades he was invited to go on a week long vacation with a friend and his family. We were concerned but let him go. He had a great time and ever since he has been able to spend the night with friends. So, my son eventually grew out of it. I hope your son does soon also.

Aside from the anxiety part, she sounds pretty "normal" - I hated staying over at people's houses when I was her age! Maybe have sleep overs at your house for the time being. She'll be leaving the nest before you know it...

In all honesty, I'd stop the sleepovers. Some are just not ready for it at that age, even if we are!! No offense, but does she see you having anxiety about things? Maybe the both of you could try to starting finding ways to lessen the anxiety. And find a calm way to get thru certain situations. But for now, if she's not comfy staying all night, just settle a time to pick her up before everyone's bedtime. That way she can still visit with her friends. Good Luck!

L.,
I feel for your daughter. I speak from experience. In 2006 I was hospitalized from my anxiety for 11 days. It was the most traumatic experience for my family and myslef.(Our boys were 3 & 5yrs at that time.)
I feel that your husband is COMPLETELY WRONG! Forcing your daughter to "Stick it out" will only make things WORSE. I have had anxiety all my life. I have gone from counselor to counselor, doctor to doctor seeking help for a condition that I wasn't given a diagnosis for and had no clue what it was.("Here take these and see if they help, if you have side effects, let me know and we'll give you something else.")(Blah, blah, blah.)
Finally I got the help I needed. Now I no longer live with the anxiety. Yes, It does come around once in a while, but very rarely. I feel very stable and confident.
I recommend a psychologist and or a psychiatrist for her. The psychologist only deals with the talking/counseling, getting to the heart of the anxiety, where the psychiatrist helps with medication and counseling.
There is a reason your daughter has anxiety. It is something deep down inside that not you nor your husband can figure out. A lot of times, PTSS (Post traumatic stress syndrome) is an underlying cause of anxiety. Sometimes it is imbalance in the brain that needs to be healed. sometimes it could be as simple as needing to eat healthy food or having food allergies, or needing to eat period. Being overwhelmed is a trigger which may be the sleep over issue.
Don't make her feel bad for what is going on, get her help that makes her feel safe and comfortable, and don't take her to the family doctor for a diagnosis. They don't know how to treat anxiety. Trust me. Seek higher advice.
If you would like more info and/or doctor names, etc. let me know.
Be well.

I was your daughter! I remember being so sad that I could not make it through the night and I remember my friends being equally sad. But for a long time no matter what anyone said or did I had to go home(seemed to always be about 10pm if I remember correctly). I don't remember exactly when or how I was able to finally make it through the night but I was probably about your daughters age. I also know that it was at my best friends house, her mom was like my second mom- we spent so much time together. I think it became a challenge that my friends mom wanted to "win" to get me through the night- I seem to remember promises of something we really wanted for the AM if I made it through the night. After I made it through the night once I was good to go and was able to stay at anyones house overnight!(Although a week long stay with my grandmother(who I didn't know extremely well) at 12 was hugely traumatic)To make a long story short- my suggestions would be 1) your daughter will make it through the night when she is ready, I wouldn't force the issue and 2)if she has one especially close friend that she feels very comfortable as a part of their family it might make it easier to keep trying.

I definitely wouldn't force her to stay.

Some practical suggestions: Have you had friends come over and spend the night at your house? If not, that might be a good way to start. Or shorter visits to friends' houses - is she fine with spending a long time during the day, and this only comes up overnight? Does it happen at everyone's house, or only at one house (if so, maybe there is something weird going on there). Or maybe, if it would work out with the other parents, you could arrange to stay over also in another room, so that you'd be available to her if she needed you. And maybe even participate somehow, telling them stories or doing activities with them or something. I don't know how you're dealing with it now - I think it would be best, if she is at their house and gets anxious, for you to be available and willing to come right away and be with her and bring her home if that is what she wants (rather than trying to get her to stay and waiting until her anxiety gets worse).

About her anxiety: I'd recommend spending some time with her (either while it's happening, or at another time when you can have some uninterrupted time together), encouraging her to talk about her feelings, listening to her, accepting and acknowledging and empathizing with her feelings, allowing her to cry and shake and express herself and release some of her anxiety. NOT trying to talk her out of it. As you know, she can't consciously control her anxiety, and trying to talk her out of it or trying to get her to push it away and forge through it, doesn't work very well, even if it seems to in the short run. Especially since you have experienced similar feelings, you should be able to empathize. On the other hand, since it might be hard for you to be as present with her as you'd like to be, since it might trigger your own anxiety and thereby increase hers, it might be good for her to talk with someone else, and adult friend she trusts or a counselor. It sounds like there is probably something deeper going on with her, either something current in her life now (school, friends, etc) or something from the past that gets triggered when she is away from home, it may even have roots in the pregnancy, if you were experiencing anxiety then. And it may be that some or all of her anxiety comes from your anxiety and that she needs help in separating that out (please don't take this as blame - it's totally understandable). This manifestation anxiety can be a good opportunity for her to do some healing, which will help her throughout her life. I'd recommend Aletha Solter's books, Helping Young Children Flourish and Tears and Tantrums, she has good ideas for helping children work through difficult feelings. And Peter Levine has some good information about children and trauma.

And, I think it's wonderful that she is so in tune with her feelings and talks with you about them, and that you care so much about her and listen to her, that is a very good sign. Wishing you the best!

I agree with everyone that she just isn't ready for spending the night. I would suggest that if she really wants to go, then let her and plan a pick up time that you would go pick her up. Then she knows she can still have a fun night, but doesn't have to stay. Maybe if she is having a lot of fun when you come to get her, she will decide herself thore that she wants to stay. Just so she knows it is her choice and make a plan to come get her before hand so she can relax while she is there.

Hi L.,

My son, 12 now, is the same way. He didnt have a sleepover until the last year or so where I didnt have to go pick him up! Even now he will only stay at Grandmas and one other friends house. He would much rather they stay at our house. I say dont push her. I use to get angry because I didnt get why he didnt want to go, but now I just realize that he is more comfortable at our house. If she is ready, she will go. At her age she it might just be too early. They will be ready to leave our homes before long so I say enjoy them now and dont rush it!

I too suffer from anxiety and so does my son (who is 10). There are only a few places he is comfortable sleeping at and they are at my house (he lives with his dad) in his sisters room and at his aunt and uncles house in their bedroom (they turn it into a big slumber party when he stays over). He has never stayed the night at a friends house. Anxiety is a real issue and it can literally take over, as you well know. My suggestion is don't force your child to sleepover anywhere that she is not comfortable with ( Iknow your hubby has good intentions, but people who dont suffer from anxiety really dont understand. He sees it as a fear not understanding the rest). How is she about sleeping at family members houses? That would be a good place to start when she is ready. Encourage your daughter to have her friend stay the night that way she can have the comfort of home and hang out with her friend. Does your daughter show anxiety about anything else? My son is on meds for his, as am I. I would keep an eye onhow she acts towards things. My son lashes in anger to hide some of his anxiety, and it also affected his school work because he was so worried that he would do his work wrong that he wouldnt do it.
Anyway, best of luck to your daughter.

L.,
It doesn't seem necessary for your child to go to a sleepover. This is not a situation that at 10 she needs to have. She will do it successfully when she is old enough. Some children feel safe staying at home and that is a good thing. Our children are often forced by society to grow up too quickly. She is still a child. I would tell her it's ok that she's not ready to spend the night out yet and she'll feel easier about it when she's ready and will know that herself. If peer pressure is involved let her tell her friends her mother said no. Take the burden off her and let her feel happy and secure with your family. Believe me when she's a teenager she'll be ready to have away from family time.