My son just turned 9 and is in the second grade. He's very mature for his age, smart, athletic, sensitve, and outgoing. But he is sorta girl crazy right now. He gets a lot of attention from the girls in his class, and has developed quite a bit of confidence because of it. He needs to get knocked down a bit I think, because if we aren't careful, we'll have ourselves a little player with a huge ego. He would rather hang out and play with girls, but not because he's "girly", but because of the attention. They swoon over him and he loves it. He's getting to where he is causing problems in his class. The boys won't play with him as he's too busy playing with the girls. And now the girls are starting to get into to trouble because he's manipulating them in such a way that they are fighting with each other for his attention!
The talk of "girlfriend" has came up, but he insists that it mean just a "girl friend". We tell him he's too young for a girlfriend, but instead should just be friends with everyone. However the other day, he came home and had said he cried in school because he got scared. He's been lying a little bit to us lately and he gets caught every time. He tried to lie to his teacher and got busted doing so, and she called to tell us about what had happened. He knows better, and he seemed sorry. It was a silly lie, but a lie nonetheless. So this newest incident involving crying... he said it was because he and this other girl passed notes to each other saying "will you go with me yes or no?" to which they both got scared about getting caught writing the notes, and freaked out and both were crying. But that didn't really make a lot of sense to my husband or I. We didn't press him on it because we just figured that maybe he didn't want to get in any more trouble.
Apparently the teacher didn't quite think it sounded right either. So she dug around in the trash and actually found the notes they had written to each other, and it was much worse than we could have imagined. Apparently our son had asked the girl if she would have SEX with him! And the teacher had also discovered that he all several of the girls upset with each other over him and that it was causing them to show bad behavior in the class. I think the reason our son got so upset, is because the girl he wrote it to probably freaked out him, which caused him to freak out. He KNOWS that it's wrong to say such a thing, or at least he should! He's knows better... or so we though. We've talked to him about "sex" before, because he mentioned it casually at the dinner table. We asked him to tell us what it was. So he told us that it's when a "mommy and daddy take their clothes off in bed and cuddle". My husband and I nearly fainted up until the word "cuddle"! But we think or thought that he truly believed that, and that is where we left it. But we stressed that it was for grown ups who love each other and that it was not appropriate for young boys and girls to be discussing or concerned with. Thankfully we have a very open and honest dialog with him. He's very wise for his age. So we're not so sure that he doesn't know know "sex" really is, and that he wasn't playing us. If he knows, he didn't get it from TV or us. He had to have gotten it from some of the older neighborhood kids that he no longer plays with. We're not sure, but we are going to find out.
His fascination with lying I think comes from his "ego". He knows he's smart and very well rounded for his age. Perhaps he is too well rounded". I think that it blows his mind that adults can tell when kids are lying. He's mystified by it, and he's testing it constantly because he's bound and determined to "prove us wrong". Yet he continues to get caught. We would normally take what he says to the bank. But lately, it's becoming a little harder to take what he's saying as the truth because he's been caught lying more and more. It's the whole "boy who cried wolf" story, that he knows well and understands. My husband sometimes makes the mistake of giving him too much information regarding certain things. We've always talked "straight" to our boys. And since our oldest is intelligent and somewhat obsessive about things, he always wants more detail. I think the mistake we've made is being a little too "real" with him about certain things. We both have made it very clear that it's ok to have girl "friends", but that it's not appropriate for it to be more than that right now. He's the kind of boy that if you give him and inch he'll take a mile.
I feel that this little situation with the girls at school is best handled by dad. But neither him or I is quite sure how we should approach him about it. There is no way that we are going to expound on the topic of "sex" because that will only make it worse. We're going to express how disappointed we are and reiterate how it is very inappropriate, offensive, and hurtful to others to discuss these kinds of things. Hopefully that will make him feel remorseful enough to keep his thoughts to himself and save it for "private time".
This could have come about because I made the mistake of making a big deal out of his stinky armpits. I questioned whether he was going thru puberty. My husband insisted that he was wasn't and that it was normal. I agreed, but took it once step further and checked his genitalia for pubic hair and thought that I had found some. My husband again insisted that it was entirely possible to have pubic hair and not be going thru puberty. He is right. But, this only set my son's brain into overdrive. He's now convinced himself that his voice is changing and that he's growing more pubic hair. It's wishful thinking. We've got to figure out A. Why it's so important to him aside from the obvious, and B. How to get him to stop trying to convince himself that he's not becoming a man.
Some advice on how to tame this little stud is much appreciated. By the way... that's meant to be funny. My husband and I praise him and want him to be confident and feel good about himself, but we in no way try to instill an elitist attitude in him. We are modest people and we just cannot tolerate him behaving like this.
Thanks for all of the advise and feedback. The teacher figured this out and reported it to the principal. She also told the principal that our son is an excellent boy and is never any trouble, which is true. He's also an honor student. The principal said that he expressed geniune remorse, buy told him that his actions cannot repeat themselves.
I might have not quite translated properly with some of the things that I said. When I said "our little stud" I was NOT trying to imply that we think of him in this light, or encourage this sort of attitude. It was meant to be tongue in cheek, in more of a disapproving way.
Where does he get this? He said he has heard the word before on movies like Transformers and Iron Man. That is about as far as we go on those movies with him. He said the reason he said it was because he thought it would be funny. But he had no idea that that it was a VERY SERIOUS adult word that could get him in big trouble. He's never done anything like this before, and judging by how upset he was with himself, he won't be doing it again.
He and his dad had a long talk about how serious this was, and how he should try to play with more boys than girls, and he must be respectful to girls and not do things to upset them. That it's more important to be friends with everyone... Not just girls. He said a lot more things obviously, and really got thru to him I think.
But one thing that I think my have been a little excessive was this notion that he is some sort of future sexual preditor that needs to be yanked from school and caged up in some kind of boys school. Funny, and typical from people who don't know him. If you knew who he was... You would be stunned and in disbelief. He repeated something to someone, not knowing how serious it was, and learned a hard lesson. Should he be punished because he's in a class of mostly girls, is the biggest, cutesy, and smartest boy in class? Why wouldn't they think he's cute? He just goes along with it, because it makes him feel good. But it's gone to his head a little, and he needs to take several steps back. We're not talking about a boy who kills small animals for fun and lights things on fire. We are talking about an AWESOME kid who gets caught up in the attention he receives. And he said something stupid.
He himself is compassionate and mature to have prayed about it on his own, and asked for forgiveness. And it was HIS idea to write appology letters to the girl, her parents, his teacher, and the principal. Mostly because that is something we have had him do in the past. But this time he beat us to the punch by suggesting it first.
We're going to be keeping a close eye on him, you can believe that. And I do appreciate the advice. But before you suggest we register him "as a sexual preditor" (sarcasim), you should maybe have asked me some more questions first.
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A.B.
answers from
New York
on
You say your son is 9 and in second grade? That probably makes him the oldest boy on the class. The difference of 1 year at this stage is huge. He may be bigger and more vocal than the 8 year olds so he is "attractive" to the already chatty girls. Once boys get interested in girls I do not think there is a turn off button. What you can do and seem to be doing is talking to him about appropriateness. Your hubs has got to have a "man to boy" talk and at this point really discuss "sex", so your son knows what is involved that should give him pause. Also remeber that at this age and up till H.S the girls are much more mature and frankly aggressive and can be egging your son on because the other boys aren't at that stage yet, so lets not just put this on your son only. As young as he is there are kids who would experiment if they are not educated by their parents. One of my ex bf's told me he was sexual at 10, I was stunned but he said where he lived with the kids he hung out with he wasn't the only one. Whether he is showing signs of puberty or not he needs to know the whole deal so he can understand the full consequences and that he needs to wait years for his body to catch up with his mind. I wish you and your hubby a lot of luck and patience.
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P.W.
answers from
Dallas
on
you are right. your son needs lots of Dad time. Your husband could start by planning a guys day on the weekend. Let some "subjects" come up. This will be your husbands opportunity to talk about your "family values." I would say not to be preachy, just express how he feels you can find happiness in life......how you treat people and how you should expect to be treated. You can do the same thing in every day conversation. For example if you see something on t.v. when your son is in the room you can act a little shocked......."Oh my, a gentlemen would never take a lady for granted that way! Your Dad would certainly never do that."
Puberty hits hard at the age of nine for many kids. There are nine year olds experimenting with sex. Your husband should talk openly with your son. He should tell him his expectations and what is age appropriate. He should also answer his questions about "sex" and follow up with........"kids think they know a lot about sex, but they often have the wrong information. I will tell you the truth so when you have questions come to me." That said, your husband can tell the truth but be careful about certain details......but in my opinion he should be honest about the meaning of what sex is............and how to treat a lady. This is your husbands chance to say......."I would hope that even if you get a girlfriend you would not have sex. blah blah blah" Fill in the blanks with your values.
Have your husband plan something on a regular basis when they can "talk." Saturday morning at the batting cages with a cup of hot chocolate at Starbucks after.......a lot can be talked about in 1 and 1/2 hours on saturday morning. Especially in the car. The lack of eye contact allows kids to really open up..........might make it easier for Dad too!
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S.R.
answers from
Chicago
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My 7yr old is the same way . A real smarty pants. I have him on a sticker chart The moment he is inappropriate, he loses his sticker and privileges for the day. We have tried having dad handle it. Nothing works but, our sticker system. And ignoring negative behavior. They hate that.
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S.H.
answers from
Honolulu
on
Dad... has to teach him... about behavior... and inappropriateness.
Thinking ahead, you wouldn't want him getting in real trouble, with his precociousness... sexually or the way he treats girls.
He is already displaying that... and going past boundaries and lying.
It will take just 1 girl (and her parents)... to accuse him of something, and legally, he can be in trouble.
Its not fun and games.
He HAS to be told about how to treat girls... that they are not "objects" or toys... they are people. And not all girls will put up with him.
He may be smart/intelligent as you say... but he is NOT "mature." These are 2 very different things.
And, he is not "wise." Nor does he display wise choices. He is still impulse driven...
At the same time, kids this age are naive... but since he is acting this way, he needs to be taught, not pussy footing around... that it is not something to "joke" about.
AND, he needs to be taught about not forcing girls to do things... physically... that will be upcoming... kids experiment.
Also teach him that he CAN come to you/Hubby to ask questions about his body and sexuality... and opposite sex questions/relations.
Dad.. has to, get his attitude in line... about the whole thing about being a "man" and him being a boy... and what taboos there are... meaning, in this world nowadays... kids gotta learn it.
Texting with kids this age as well... sending photos of themselves naked, is also a problem. Does he have a cell phone? Computer access? He HAS to be taught about these things too... because it is a "criminal" act, under the law. I just read about an article about it recently in the news.
Kids this age don't even have full brain development yet. Full brain development does not occur until 26 years old.
Lots of views on this.
Good luck,
Susan
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K.M.
answers from
Memphis
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Children are entering puberty at younger ages than in the past. It is very possible for your son to be in the beginning stages of puberty. I needed to wear a bra (real bra, not training bra) at age 10 although I didn't start my period until I was almost 12. The hormones were already at work. If he is showing signs like body odor and the beginnings of puberty and increased interest in sex, I would say that it's likely his hormones levels are rising. It still may be a couple of years before he is in full raging hormone puberty but it's probably not too far off. Have you thought about discussing it with your pediatrician?
I also have to disagree about giving him more information about sex. I think the fact he is asking someone to have sex with him is a sign that he needs more information. I agree that he probably doesn't really understand fully the implications but I think his lack of understanding is fueling his curiosity more than if he knew more. I don't know that he needs all the gory details but more and possibly more information about the consequences of sex and why there is a right time for that type of relationship.
My parents assumed that I was too young to be going into puberty when I was and they never discussed sex with me at all other than to make somewhat snide or pitying remarks about the boys and girls in my high school classes that were. (My mom taught at my HS so she knew.) The result of their lack of information was that I was generally confused and scared about both. It is probably fortunate that neither me nor my siblings dated much because, I think our lack of info was a recipe for disaster.
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T.V.
answers from
San Francisco
on
Well your "little stud" could be precieved as a "little purv" by many people. Glad to know you are modest people and I guess you must be wondering where you son is getting his information???
I would suggest a private boys school or home schooling. He's talking about asking/doing things in the sexual area then children his age should be dealing with.
Be careful, he could wind up having to register as a sexual preditor for life, just because he thinks he's quite the man.
Again, who's been talking to your child and what has he been watching or reading? This is serious stuff that could affect the rest of his life!
