So, my son has always been prone to anger, short fuse, sensitive feelings, etc.
But it was only the fourth day of school when his principal called me to say my son was involved in a quarrel in the lunch line at school.
He is in the third grade and he has had problem in school previous to this (we were at a different school last year)
I was afraid of this happening again. He never started the fights before, he had bullies on the bus, but it made him very defensive. it can be a good or bad thing, who knows. i only wish i could be there to remind him what to do in situations like that but i cant.
So this day the principal calls me and says that my son was saving his place in the lunch line with his lunch box (which the teacher said was alright to do) and the little boys next to his spot got upset (understandable) so they pushed my son and my son kicked one of them in the ankle (explained to him that this was not acceptable behavior and he should have chose to walk away at this point) the boy then went on to laugh and called my son a "wimp". that is just not cool. and I guess they were pushing each other after that and thats when the teacher got involved.
The principal had my son come into the office today and write apologies to the boys he hurt (which i told him that was a good idea) and discussed ways to handle these sorts of situations in a calmer manner, then they went out to the yard to practice with the other kids. I thought this was very awesome to help him this way and he seems to be a very caring principal.
My worries are more in the classroom with the other kids, the principal told me that he talked to the teacher and found out that she noticed my son "got on the other children's nerves" were his exact words. He said my son didn't agree with the other students in his group and wanted to do things his own way with projects. This surprised me a little because he doesnt really do that at home, and none of his other teachers ever noticed or told me this before.
Anyway, my question is; How can I help him get along better with his classmates? How can I teach him to step back and go along with them when someone else has a good idea?
Enroll him in a good Tae Kwon Do class that teaches discipline, teamwork and self control. Cub Scouts would be a good way to teach teamwork as well.
I'm not sure what the answer would be here, but I am reminded of a tactic my grandmother used to use. She taught 4th grade for 45 years, and when she had kids (particularly boys) who would fight, their "punishment" was to hold hands and skip around the school yard for the whole recess. By the time they were done, she said inevitably the boys involved would hate her so much for making them hold hands and skip, that they'd forget they were mad at each other! Maybe you should suggest that to your son's teacher. =)
I guess I'm just wondering why the teacher waited so long at lunch to get involved and rein them all in (especially the other boys)....Did the principal address this with them as well?? I think you still have some things to discuss with the principal with regard to this situation.
This is his first week in a new school. I'd give him as much support as possible. Yes, briefly discuss what is going on at school and how to behave but also focus on what is happening that is working for him. Praise him every chance you get.
I like the idea of providing him with a buddy. I suggest that you talk with his teacher, asking about what is happening in the classroom and how she is seeing it as well as how she handles it. She may see this as an adjustment process and not be as concerned as it sounded when the principal talked with you.
Does his school have a counselor? If so, also talk with her about your concerns. My granddaughter's school has one who restarted a friendship group after my daughter talked with her about some getting along in the classroom issues that her daughter was having. My granddaughter now visits the counselor any time she has questions about what is going on with her and also to just say hi. It's a great relationship for a child to have.
I'm guessing that your son feels vulnerable and a bit scared. Some kids withdraw when they feel that way. Others like your son and my granddaughter try to gain control. Anything that you can do to increase his sense of power, such as a martial arts class, will enable him to be more mellow. Sounds counter productive but I've seen it work.
LATER: After reading all the responses criticizing the teacher, I have to respond. Seems like several moms are making assumptions which are NOT based on facts. Sarah A. has not talked with the teacher. She wrote one sentence describing what the principal said the teacher said. That sentence did not indicate that he was having difficulty in the classroom tho it can be suggestive of such if you want to take a negative view. What that sentence said to me is that the teacher was making an effort to describe Sarah's son. The teacher did not make a judgment and I strongly believe that those of us who not involved should also not pass judgment. A classroom is made up of many personalities. A good teacher can work with them all once she is aware of the individual child and how they work with others. Give this teacher a chance to find a way that works for her, the classroom, and Sarah's son.
And......most importantly do not decide that this school or this student is the same as or having a similar problem to your negative experience. When we pass judgment we complicate the path of finding a solution. I've found that the best way to get co-operation is to be willing to accept the possibility of a positive situation.
Hey, even a citizen is presumed innocent until found guilty by a court of their peers. I was taught to always assume that the person I was interviewing could be innocent and to keep an open mind until I'd found evidence to the contrary. There is not enough information in Sarah's post to pass judgment on the school and especially not on the teacher.
She did not tell us what happened to the other boys. She doesn't know what the teacher's attitude, actions, or plans are. So, you don't know either. Lighten up and think of ways to turn this situation into a positive.
In today's world, physically fighting back is not acceptable. Even several years ago my daughter and her nemisis were both suspended from school after having a physical fight at school. I understand that the school cannot consistently determine who is at fault or who started it. Therefore, their rule is that everyone involved will be suspended. It's the only fair way I can see that they can handle it.
Sarah's son did not get suspended. The principal with Sarah's permission is focusing on helping her son learn how to handle this sort of situation. She did not tell us how the principal treated the other boys and so we cannot make assumptions about that and be fair, ourselves. Based on common sense and many years of being involved with schools, I expect that he also did something appropriate with the other boys. I suspect that those who judged the principal wrong is basing their judgment on personal experience as well. I'm sorry that they have not had good experiences with the school. I also suggest that if they reacted in the negative way that they've reacted to Sarah's question that they've had a part in creating their negative experiences. "Be careful for what you wish for. You just might get it." When we expect the worst we do often get the worst.
I applaud Sarah's and her son's schools approach to finding a way to help her son instead of punishing everyone involved. Yes, the boys should not have pushed him. Also, he should not have kicked. It's acceptable to react and push back but it is not acceptable to escalate the fight. A kick is the next step up from a push. If Sarah's son had known how diffuse the situation it's likely that no one would've been in this much trouble.
I know that is putting a lot of responsibility on a little boy. I suggest that he's capable of learning how to protect himself without having to hurt someone else. A martial arts class is good for teaching this skill. It is also good for teaching him self-confidence and the ability to control his anger. I strongly believe that Sarah and the school are on the right path to helping this boy mature into someone who will not be bullied or pushed around. So much of what happens to us depends on our attitude which is based on how we feel about ourselves.
I don't understand the writing letters of apology. We don't know what her son was urged to say which might make a difference in how we feel about them. I do believe that giving an apology is always a good practice to have. It may seem that it puts us one down but in reality it shows that we are a bigger person than the one who holds onto their anger.
My mother taught us to say, "I'm sorry this happened if we can't say, "I'm sorry I hit you." That is the beginning of understanding that we are participants in whatever happens. Choosing to walk away is a brave choice to make, especially when continuing the fight does not benefit anyone including ourselves.
My daughter was in middle school when she had the fight that caused her to be suspended. The boy did stop picking fights with her. It turned out her decision to fight back was right in that situation. She won the fight. Fighting back was worth the suspension. Everything we do has consequences. As long as we're willing to accept the consequences we can make decisions to go against the rules. Life is not black and white.
Because Sarah's son has been dealing with bullies earlier and is having difficulty getting along in some situations it's good that the school policy allows for alternative ways of dealing with fights. I think Sarah and the school have gotten a good start. Sarah, I urge you to keep a positive outlook on the school and their ability to help you and your son. Sounds to me that your son is in the right place. Continue to work with his teacher in teaching him self-respect and skills to deal with those less able to manage their emotions.
I certainly hope that your son got apology notes too. It seems like none of the boys in line handled the situation well. I agree with the others that said role playing at home can help and letting him know that when you work as a team, you're not always going to be the leader or have your ideas used. And that's okay.
I also second the TaeKwonDo class. It's not all about punches and kicks. The kids also learn perseverance, tolerance, finishing what you start, and respect for yourself as well as others. We enrolled our oldest when she was 10. She had no body confidence or confidence in herself. Boy does she now! She'll be 13 in February and will take her black belt test in June 2011.
Am I the only O. here that thinks this child reacted correctly?
He was saving his spot in line with his lunchbox (allowed) and the nearby kids "got upset" and "pushed him"? So he reacts (I know--could have been in a better way) but what about the ones that started the whole thing by pushing your son??? Did they have to apologize? Did the "caring" principal "help" the kids that pushed your son?
Also, I cannot believe that an elem. teacher used the terms "gets on the other children's nerves"! How about an idea of very specific behaviors? She should be able to handle garden variety 8 year old issues.
I'm not sure how to help him get along with his classmates--a buddy is a good idea. Explain that not everyone can be the leader at all times. Explain that good leaders listen to, and can improve, the good ideas of others. Explain that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Explain how to be a good listener.
I think he did what any little boy would do and you have gotten some good advice below. But "prone to anger, short fuse, sensitive feelings" could also mean ADHD. Have you ever had him tested? Is he doing OK academically?
My kids are both very sensitive and tend to get upset after they give away all their new stickers, or get off the swing after they waited for 10 minutes to get on themselves, etc. so I had to really rehearse with them what to say. "I had to wait and it is my turn now". "I like you but these are my new stickers and I want to keep them, but you can look a them". Too much empathy/sensitivity makes it hard to stand up for yourself.
Maybe rehearse some expressions. We use a very wild and outgoing friend as an example: "What would Karen say?". That usually gets them to come up with all kinds of silly and crazy answers, but the lesson is learned that there are many ways to respond.
I think 8 years old is still so little and he needs him mom to advocate for him. Good luck.
IDK? This is a hard one! There is a fine line between going along with others and being a complete follower. You always want your kids to be proud of themselves and go with their own feelings/ideas...and to NOT just do what all the other kids are doing! Maybe just some gentle reminders about differences between "working as a group" and how you have to compromise your ideas sometimes?
Tough situation Mom...good luck with that...I am sure some of the other moms on here will give you some good advice...sorry I couldn't be of more help!
I know this may sound a little strange, but is there anyone he knows that could be his buddy? or someone he looks up to that is in the same class or maybe a grade ahead--one that could kind of take him under his wing and show him how to do things- keep his anger in check etc? As far as the behavior, I would talk to the teacher first hand and see what he/she is doing to correct the problems. What they have observed with your son and how you can help him at home. Thats my 2cents.
Molly
It seems to me that no one is teaching these children compassion in the classroom or the lunch line. He is new. Has he made any new friends? Has anyone thought about how it feels to be the new kid?? I'm appalled at the teacher's response. Does she really even know him??
That said, it's HER JOB to help the students learn how to work together. This is elementary school... They aren't supposed to know how to work together very well. And if they do have to work together, it should be on very short tasks. If your son chooses to work alone, the teacher should allow it. (I hated working in groups! I always ended up doing most of the work while the other kids just sat, copied my paper, and got my A. I resented it and still do.)
Your son was allowed to save his place. The other kids started the whole mess, but he ends up "the bad kid"? He has to write notes? What about the others? What about the instigators??? It seems to me that if more than one kid is pushing and taunting, that the person in charge in the cafeteria should have stopped it and made the instigators go to the end of the line before it escalated.
If you are concerned about his ability to handle different situations, you might consider putting him in Karate. They teach discipline, anti-bulllying techniques, and self defense as well as self control. When my son was younger, he was also picked on... I put him in karate and it changed his life.
LBC
that's one of my biggest gripes with the school system, although there's no good answer. they do have to do herd control, so individual rights and responsibilities go out the window in favor of keeping a lid on everybody.
it sounds as if you have better than usual support from your principal and alert teacher. what have they suggested?
khairete
S.
What if you role play at home? Discuss with him ( and the teacher) what is happening when he is having issues with the other children? Discuss ways that he could approach situations where this is disagreement, without hurting other peoples feelings or being 'pushy'. But you also don't want to make him think that this is somehow "his fault"....I am sorry but that teacher needs to be interceding and helping to model correct behavior for everyone in her class!! I think the idea of a "buddy" is fantastic!! I would hope that the teacher would be willing to take a little time to help your son integrate into the classroom, develop some friendships and become comfortable in the new classroom.
Meanwhile, you need to be as positive and uplifting as possible with your son...praise every step forward that he takes...every new connection he makes...maybe you could find out from the teacher or the principal which students your son seems to be connecting with, and arrange a "play date" with them outside of school.
You say that he has had problems at school before...I don't know what kind of "problem" you are referring to..but if this is an ongoing issue then it is something that you need to address at home and not expect the school to be the only one dealing with it. Maybe you could arrange some time to visit with the school counselor.
Good luck to you and I hope your son loves this new school, once the newness wears off!!
Yeah wow. First of all, if the other kids were giving him a hard time for something that was specifically allowed, school staff should have intervened before it got physical. And honestly, if it were my son I would encourage him to stand up for himself the way yours did. No, you don't want him to become violent all the time or learn that violence is always the answer, but if he lets them push him and just turns the other cheek, he WILL get pushed again. And if it's already starting at 8, it will escalate. I dealt with that sort of bullying for years. I took my mom's advice to "ignore" the other kids (which is painful to do), and they just thought I was wimpy and it got worse. I always wish I had taken my dad's advice to beat them up. I would have gotten in trouble with the school, but they would have left me alone after that. As it was I had academic trouble for years because I couldn't concentrate on my work due to the bullying.
I'm with everyone else - why was your son singled out as the trouble maker, when the other boys not only started the altercation, but also were the ones who made it physical? This school doesn't teach its students to be respectful and welcoming of newcomers?
As for the classroom troubles. These kids are young for group work, so if they're having trouble working together, it's the teacher's job to, you know, teach them to work together. That's what they're supposed to be learning.
Certainly it's possible that your son needs some help in getting along with others, but honestly from the examples you've given, it sounds like others also need the same help. It sounds like he keeps getting singled out for some reason, when there is more than one person in each of these situations. Other posters mentioned good ideas for helping him, but I'd contact the teacher and the principal and ask to know what they're doing to *help* your son, not just label him as a problem.
