HELP! I feel like I have gone the "reasonable" route and tried to curb her behavior...she is always hugging, jumping on, running into (for fun), hanging on her peers and even adults if they will let her. I've tried explaining to her gently and have flat out told her that it bugs people and that a lot of people don't like to be touched all the time. She does not pick up on subtle cues and when I try to point out the repercussions of her behavior she thinks I'm being mean, they're being mean and everyone is mean. I just picked her up from free play time at the gymnastics center and she was crushed b/c her brother got more attn. from the teen girls than her. She said one of the teens called her "mean." But I've seen her when people don't take to her hugging/bugging ways she gets attitude and stomps off.
Am I alone out here? Any suggestions? Help! I've already heard that this is a lesson she'll have to learn the hard way. Would love to find a way to guide her........
THANK YOU! It helps to hear that other moms have dealt with this and I will take all your input and put it to good use! We are a very "touchy" family (lots of hugs, kisses, squeezes) so I always wonder if we foster this behavior through our family time ... but my other 2 kids are not overly aggressive with their affection. Anyhow, just wanted to say THANKS to everyone because sometimes with these mothering issues you feel like an island! We'll see "what happens" ... I know we'll find a good outcome and everyone's input has only helped! Thanks for taking the time to answer!
You described my 8, almost 9 year old to a tee. I too wonder if I was too affectionate with her and that's why she's this way. I just love to hold and cuddle her, always have.
Look forward to reading the responses, but just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone!
My girlfriends son had the same problem - never knew a stranger and no personal space. He was finally diagnosed with asperger's syndrome. It really explained a lot of what was going on, including always feeling like he was being picked on and not understanding why he wasn't liked/being bullied at school. Try talking to a neurologist to see if it might be your daughter's problem as well. Good luck!
This sounds like a sensory processing disorder, not something your daughter is doing consciously or on purpose, which is why she's not really "hearing" you when you talk to her about this. Some kids who are largely sensory learners process things differently - like touching everything and everybody, or putting things in their mouths way past that developmental stage. You might have her tested for a sensory processing disorder, there are interventions. If you're on the Westside of L.A. I suggest calling Melissa Idelson at the Child Success Center in Santa Monica. ###-###-####. Good luck!
S. Eiges, M.S.W.
aka "L.A. School Scout"
www.LAschoolscout.com
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877.877.6240
My now 11 year old son was exactly the same way from the time he was very little. He ran into people with such force he caught them off balance. He knocked kids over on a regular basis. We worked with him for a long time and finally came up with the term power hug. He finally learned that it is ok to give hugs, but only if the other party gives permission. We taught him that he must ask the other party if it was ok to give them a hug. I had to closely monitor that situation for quite a while and continually remind him that he must ask if it was ok. With continued reinforcement, he did learn. He would ask each and every person if it was ok for him to give them a hug. Most kids, peers, etc., gave him the stink eye and said no. He learned to deal with the it.
We discovered that our son needed physical touch to connect with other people. He wasn't able to make a connection with someone with eye contact alone. For him, we learned later, it was a clue as to some other issues that he must deal with every day.
I'm not suggesting your daughter has any outside issues, it was just a clue for us, but we didn't recognize it as a clue until much later.
She will learn to control that impulse, help her on this one. Teach her to ask permission to touch others in whatever way she will connect with. Stay close by, on the sidelines, not to hover but to monitor and step in for a reminder when needed. This will help her self esteem. You'll be there as a rescue net before she gets her feelings hurt, and give her the time she needs to learn that impulse control.
My son outgrew that need to hug/touch every person he was around. He's still a very affectionate child, but has learned new coping skills and new ways to connect to other people without the physical touch.
Good luck! G.
Hi,
Our daughter did the same thing when she was about 7-9 yrs. We tried to explain to her, on her level, that most people have a boundary around them that she needed to honor. It isn't that people didn't like her but that not everyone is comfortable with PDA's.We gave her examples of situations where she might feel uncomfortable with people jumping all over her.
It certainly wasn't cured overnight but eventually she grew out of it and seems to have a healthier way of showing affection or play.
Well I have a 1 year 11 month old son...and he loves to hug everyone... when he gets to know them 1-2 minutes and gets their trust... well all I can say is that that is how she was trained to act when she was small...and now just like you said the reprocutions are comming your was, my son still small, 1 yr 11 months and I spanks him if he does not listen 3 times I will give him a chance.. and the fourth... ouch... he looks at my husband but he tell him papas I told you not to make mommy mad... the same thing with your daughter except backwords... she was happy and was doing various things and nobody said anything... just awwwwwwww look how cute... now you have to reap the consequences... and she already has her own way of thinking... nobody did anything before why should they do anything now... I love it... I am a nice person, why are they mean to me??? but its just rules of life we have to go by. I cannot say anything perfect to help you because we all go thru it but some worse than others... you take care and hang in there many pple are going thru the same thing they are just ashamed to say anything... keep up the love you are giving your child and let her fall in love with the Love YOU give her instead of the attention others give her... lets see if that works... she is 8 yrs old...but its worth a try. take care and God Bless.
Hi M.,
I know I'm a little late responding and you got lots of good advice from the other mothers. My son is 7 and he is not a big hugger but he does like to hug and jump on his friends sometimes and he would often do this at school. I know many public schools discourage this type of behavior because if done to the wrong person it can be mistaken as harassment - especially as the kids get older. I know that 7 and 8 year olds are not doing this to harass anyone but at some point they can get in trouble for it. I just told my son that he can get thrown out of school for doing it so it has to stop. He can hug his friends at home but not in school or at the gym. Maybe this is an angle you can use with your daughter to help her "get it".
Hope this helps.
Maybe she just needs more touch. You could try giving her a massage at night before she goes to sleep. I do this with my daughter when she is restless. I say a little silent prayer over each of her precious body parts. It seems to settle her and make her happy to be inside her body.
What is wrong with letting a 8 yr old learn on her own that her behavior has reasults im also a hugger and i hug all sorts of strangers and have never been rejected i hope she dosent be come someone who cant hug morepowerto her im86 raised4 wonderfullchildren good luck with yours A. no hills
Whenever you take something away, it is a good idea to replace it with something else... Maybe you can brainstorm together and see if there is something else she can do to express her friendship/joy/exuberance. Can she develop some sort of "handshake" that is really fun to do with other kids? She will probably have some ideas as well, but you will need to constantly remind her to give others their space. You should probably give her TONS of physical contact before she goes into a social situation, to maybe fill up her "hug bank" so she does not feel the need to hug others. Then remind her to leave a bubble for others. You might want to develop a code word, so you can remind her in public without a lecture.
Hi M., she sounds like a very loving very friendly little girl or she is just high maintance for attention, I think because of her age, she may have to learn this one on her own by the way others react to her hugging on them, and although at 8 she see's them as being mean, as she gets older she will understand better. At home give her a lot of mother daughter hugs, and had her daddy do the same. See if that helps, because you don't want her to go completely in the opposite direction ,so try and help her find a balance. J. L.
Hi M. I am dealing with the same thing with my daughter and it has been going on since she was about your daughter's age. My daughter is 12 now. One thing that works for me and as well as her, is when she is with our friends and family she has to go up to them and "ask" to give hugs! In my family also we have a "code" word if she just starts to run off. We use "hand" which let our daughter know that she needs to regroup herself.
I hope this helps.
You might try videotaping her and catching as many of these "hugs" as you can and then sit down with her and have her really SEE what she looks like from another point of view. Children are very self centered and SEE their world only through their eyes. SEEING her behavior through a camera MIGHT help her develop empathy. Once a child develops empathy, they are on their way to becoming sensitive and hopefully kind adults. Empathy is not easy for some children to get. Maybe this will help.
