Our 8 and 5 year-olds come to our room at night after we are asleep and they climb in between us. My husband sleeps like the dead, but I'm a light sleeper and can't handle it. The effort involved in getting them back to bed is too much sometimes, and I end up going to one of their beds to get my rest. It works! But I hate that I am allowing myself to be evicted from my own bed. I CANNOT DO THE "consistently send them back no matter how hard it is" routine. I cannot do it alone - I NEED MY REST and stop doing it after one or two nights of trying. So any advice that's more along the "tough love" approach?
P.S. I should have clarified - "effort involved... is too much" is because I am recovering from surgery after an accident and cannot move around well at all physically. I don't mind waiting until I'm more healed before I implement a long-term solution regarding my kids, if it requires a lot of being awake or moving around.
So it's too soon to say for sure (of course), but here's what happened last night: When they first came to my bed (10 miins. after being tucked in), I told them I was putting up a dog gate in my bedroom doorway as a "reminder" not to come in, and that they were no longer allowed or welcome in our bed at night. I told them directly and openly that I can't rest properly when they are in our bed and that I wanted to be a good mom to them during the day, and that I couldn't be a good mom when I can't rest. I told them that they are to remain in their own rooms at night and there are no exceptions. They ARE allowed to sleep together, and the only times they don't is when they keep each other awake to play or talk. So I know they are not all by themselves and lonely - they at least have each other. We'll see what happens tonight. I MUST BE CONSISTENT and not give in. I do wish they could sleep with me, and in another lifetime when we all don't suffer sleep-deprivation, maybe it'll be an option. But for all of our sakes, physically and mentally, this is the only option right now. I am totally PRO co-sleeping for those families that can do it. We're not one of them :-( Thank you so much for your great advice, and I pray this solution doesn't backfire. I will be strong! :-)
I would just let the kids sleep with me. I love cuddling with them. :)
I've heard others mothers talk about putting an extra mattress or sleeping bag on the floor.
Good for you with the SWH. Kids are old enough to understand why. And also, when we don't get enough sleep, we get grumpy and then everybody's not happy. Do they want to help mommy be grumpy or happy? Which is better? :) LOL
They could be coming in because they are worried for you and want to be near you.
They are old enough to stay out when asked and know only to come in to get you, not move in, in emergencies/nightmares.
i'm sorry, i just have little patience for this.
you don't HAVE to leave. you're abdicating your role as their mother, and setting in place precedents you can't live with.
it's just......not very well thought out.
these aren't babies. you don't have to walk them back to their rooms. i'm sorry it's too 'hard' after your surgery to SPEAK to your children and tell them to go to hell to bed or there will be consequences (and then to implement them.)
because that's just parenting, and we're expected to do that, even when it's hard.
if you are too fragile to speak to your children, your husband needs to step up.
and yeah, you're going to have to do it 'alone.' none of us are going to crawl into bed with you.
khairete
S.
Your kids are both old enough to be told, in the daytime, to stay out of your room. Have consequences during the day for nighttime misbehavior.
When our cat was younger, we taught him to not be a pest at night by having a spray bottle of water within reach and squirting him with it. That could work on your kids...and your husband. :-D
Then you kick your husband until HE wakes up and HE gets to take the kids back to bed. Since it's hard for you to get up right now you say to the kids, "Jane and Bob, you two need to go back to bed. If you don't I am waking up dad."
You also talk about it during their waking hours, "Hey you two...you are PLENTY old enough to stay in your bed at night. You are no longer allowed to come into our room at night and crawl into bed. If you do, I am waking up dad and he will take you back to your room."
They are 8 and 5....they should be following your rules. They are just doing it right now because they have been allowed to for a long time, I suspect.
L.
My sister did this to my parents. They had a full size bed. My dad said it was easy for him to just roll over and go back sleep. My mom wasn't so lucky, so we would often find her in my sister's bed in the morning. My sister grew out of it. I think you'll be pleased to know that my sister is now a grown woman with a family of her own, and it was probably been close to 30 years since she kicked my mom out of bed.
Our 5 year old goes through phases of needing us at night. We have a king size bed, so more room than my parents had. I have gone to his bed a couple of times. Hey, at least I get to sleep peacefully there.
It won't last. You're not dong anything wrong, and neither are they. Your kids are seeking out comfort in the middle of the night. That is natural. You want to get some sleep. Also natural and very, very important! Don't try to fix something that isn't broken. This phase will end.
And please don't lock your door. That sends a very dangerous message that Mommy and Daddy are not there for them at night - kids, you're on your own!
They are 8 & 5. Tell them they are to stay in their own beds when you put them down for the night. And if they come in yours they will be punished. You will have to think of a punishment that fits the "crime" Then make sure you follow thru with it. They are both old enough to understand they are not welcome in your bed at night.
When they come into your room, simply tell them to go back to their rooms. You should not have to get up to put them back to bed. Especially since they know you have a hard time doing it because of your surgery. They are not babies anymore. They should know better. You have to put your foot down! Time to be their parent, instead of their friend.
Lock your bedroom door at night.
They aren't toddlers anymore and you need some recovery time.
Buy a lock for your bedroom door. Explain to your kids that you need your sleep and that they need to stay in their own beds. These kids are far too old to be climbing into bed with you and certainly old enough to understand that they need to stay in their own beds.
Tough love? No need really. You are the one choosing to get up and out of your bed not the children. The children want the love and comfort and security of their parents. All children want to be with and close to their parents. This phase won't go on forever although it may feel that way now. Just go with it for the sake of love and peace and giving your children a loving childhood. Giving them the gift of know their mother loves and accepts them as they are. Work on yourself and give yourself some tough love if need be. to change your viewpoint and method of handling this. Let yourself find the balance in yourself and get some rest.
Possible solutions:
1. Explain to them that you need to REST, after SURGERY, in your OWN bed! (30% chance of success)
2. Put blankets on the floor in your room for THEM. (50% and kind of like inviting them in, huh?)
3. Lock your door & wear earplugs! (100%)
Oh Heck No!
8 and 5 along with you and your husband?
First I am already too hot, very warm.
I NEVER snuggle unless it is while I am awake.
The other thing is kids move around a lot at night. 4 extra feet , 4 more arms and 2 more big heads, is just too much each night. Nothing worse than being kicked or a head banging into you while trying to sleep. That is not restful to me.
I would totally place a lock on the bedroom door. Or if you have a spare room. I would place a lock on that door and sleep in there by myself.
Let your husband sleep with the boys. Surgery or no surgery.. Get a lock installed. Do this today.
Do you talk to them in the daylight hours? They're 8 and 5, they understand English. Tell them it's not allowed. Lock your door. Wake up your husband, why is he allowing this to keep happening?
I could see it happening one night, but not after that. Tell them the rules. Make consequences. Wake everyone in the bed up if it happens and make them go back to bed! Don't be a doormat and keep allowing this to happen.
Are your kids lonely? Maybe they should share a room. But don't give up yours.
Sorry, but you're going to have to WORK for what you want.
LOCK your bedroom door. That way they can't just get in the bed. Tell them point-blank to go back to bed. Your 8 year old knows better. The next day, take a favorite privilege away because he/she came out of his/her bedroom the night before. If you are 100% consistent with that, then you'll only be dealing with the 5 year old.
If they aren't sleeping in the same room, I'd be locking the door on the outside of the 5 year old's room. You might have a bunch of crying because he/she can't wander the house in the middle of the night, but I'd do it anyway. After a while, neither kid will be waking up any more, and you can stop locking it.
The more you leave your own bed to them, the more they'll do it. This is your doing, honey. Stop putting up with it. Lock your bedroom door and don't let them come in anymore.
As they are climbing into bed - just tell them "no - go back to bed". In daylight hours, tell them it is not to happen. Or give them other options. If my kids have a nightmare or get lonely, they know my bed is not an option. They will, bring their own pillow and blanket into my room and sleep on the floor near the foot of the bed. They feel better and I don't even know they are there until morning.
And remember - four nights in a row of waking up to yell at them could mean future years of sleeping without constant interruption! Clearly you know you dont have to carry them or even walk them back to bed given their age, just tell them go back to bed or no TV (pool/play date/dessert) tomorrow
Lock on your door. They can't get in.
Or alternate nights with your husband even if you have to shove him off the bed to wake him up, and go with the consistent route.
Or, if you are open to a compromise, maybe allow them to camp out on the floor next to/at the end if your bed. (Wherever they would be safest.)
I don't have a problem with kids sleeping in the parents bed... But not if it is keeping you from sleep. I am a very light sleeper, and my 4yo DD LOVES to sleep in my bed. I enjoy the occasional snuggle time too. About once a week, I allow it. (More for nightmares or whatever, less when I have early classes or need extra sleep. Whatever works for us.) on the nights I allow it, I am stuck tossing and turning as my daughter wakes me up over and over. So I completely get why this is a problem for you. Momma needs sleep!
I have 4 kids and bed shared, so having small children in my bed is fine, but if my 6 year old gets in bed with us, I can't sleep. Finding their currency is what you might want to do. What gets their attention? I explain the situation in a fairness way. "It's not fair to me to have 4 people in my bed wiggling all around and exhausting me for work." Then, if that is lost on them, I start taking away video game time. Threats do not work, but action does.
Also, all of our kids share a room currently and before there were 3 queen-sized beds in their room, they slept 2 to a bed and slept all night long. Ironically, nobody wants to sleep with child #3 and she is the one who wants to get into my bed. She wants a sister and I think it's because she doesn't want to sleep alone. (She's not getting a sister. LOL) maybe have your kids share a room or a bed together?
It sounds like you are doing all of this alone. That's not fair under regular circumstances, but it's even worse if you are recovery from surgery and are sore or less mobile. You need your rest anyway, but particularly when you are recovering.
If you are not comforted by the presence of all these extra people in your bed (as some have suggested that you should be), then that's the way it is. We can love our children, and we can comfort them on occasional nights when there's a nightmare or a thunderstorm or a fever. But this is somehow orchestrated by the 2 kids. Either they planned it out, or one of them is waking the other, or there's some underlying stress (perhaps concern about your surgery that hasn't been expressed or addressed). If you don't know which of those it is, it might help to figure out when this nighttime stuff started.
Some people don't mind the kids coming in if they aren't in the bed - so you can throw some sleeping bags or an air mattress in the corner of your room if they need to come in and bed down. If you are comfortable with this option and you think it will work, then have your husband and the kids do the work of equipping the room appropriately.
In any case, you are currently in this situation alone. You are the one not sleeping, not recovering, and not fully functioning the next day. Long term sleep deprivation is a huge problem - it affects other things in the body, causes stress (which is a disease component as well as a problem in and of itself), and you are trying to work and (worse) drive under these conditions.
So your husband needs to get involved. If that means you give him a sharp elbow in the back and HE deals with it, fine. Maybe you turn the lights on and keep talking to the kids when they come in, enough to wake him up. If you don't want the middle-of-the-night problem, then this situation has to be made to affect the other 3 during the day. That could mean you change the sleeping arrangements to begin with so that everyone starts out in the bed they're going to end up in (and see how long the kids go when they have to give up their rooms entirely, and more importantly how your husband manages when you are never, ever in the same bed again!). It could also mean that you are just too tired the next day to do anything. That means nobody gets breakfast, nobody gets special time, nobody gets TV in the afternoon because Mom needs a nap (because she didn't sleep last night), nobody has a play date, and especially nobody gets a ride anywhere. If you normally drive your kids to day camp or the recreation program or to a friend's, that stops now. Your husband can go to work late because he has to drop them off. Or he can call a neighbor and arrange the carpooling. You are too tired and you cannot think straight. Somebody has to pay for this the next day if they don't want to make adjustments during the night.
And you absolutely spell it out for them. If your doctor will back you up and say (truthfully) that you need your rest or that you are not recovering on schedule, then tell your husband that. Then sit the kids down and tell them that, because you are not sleeping, X, Y and Z will happen until such time as you are able to get your 8 hours for a least a week.
The other problem here is that your kids are not getting the sleep they need. They are waking up (for whatever reason) and then are involved in this game of Musical Beds. With all the shuffling around and the squeezing of 4 people into 1 bed, no one's getting enough sleep. And they aren't learning to soothe themselves. But again, the fact that both of them are doing it means that either they are planning something out, or there is some other reason why both of them are up every night, presumably around the same time.
So there need to be changes during the day - they need to have 2 hours of quiet time in their room, ideally to nap (which you and I know they will hate!), but at the very least to restore themselves. If they are going to sleep in the Grown Up Bed, they can take on Grown Up Jobs. That means they can set out their own cereal and fruit the night before so their breakfast is ready to go (since you are too tired) and they can make their own lunches for the next day (because you are too tired), and another job of your choice. Your husband, who presumably gets up early, can supervise this since you had to change beds and have your REM sleep interrupted.
Pick any of the above that will work for you (making sure it is inconvenient for them), and implement them. You can do this during the day to avoid a whole lot of Midnight Madness if you like, but make it clear that there are changes afoot.
The only exception to this is if you think this pattern stemmed from their anxiety about your surgery and whether you would be okay. That requires some comforting if you think it's the cause.
Otherwise, the onus is on everyone else.
I don't love the idea of a lock on the child's door. I think kids need to be able to go to the bathroom and I think the need to be able to get out in any type of emergency. And I don't think it solves anything. A lock on your door is another thing entirely - go for it if you think it will work.
Why does it bother you? I just snuggle up with them and go back to sleep.
Why is it such an issue? Does it hurt your surgery stuff? Why not just go back to sleep?
It's really not a big deal if you can go back to sleep. The kids will get to that point where they don't want to have anything to do with you and these are the times you look back on and smile, that you hold close because it helps you to remember how much they looked up to you and wanted to be near you.
Otherwise I guess putting a lock on your bedroom door would keep them out. Also, tell hubby he's going to have to get up with them and you take some pain meds that knock you out and get some rest!
Put a lock on your door.
I think your plan is excellent and I hope it worked! ♥
I like your plan outlined in SWH. I especially like the way you worded it to them.
They may test to see if you mean business but it should work if you're consistent.
they kids are old enough to stay in their own bed. i would tell them flat out that they are not allowed in your bed at night. if they have a bad dream they can come sleep on the floor but are not to get in your bed. that way they arent in your bed and your not having to get up and put them back to bed. they will eventually get tired of sleeping on your floor.
I share the same problem, except for the surgery part. My daughter has a sleep disorder, though, so I'm never quite sure what to do. The various specialists we've been to have suggested different things, but all they've been consistent about is that her issues should fade once she hits puberty. So I've been waiting (im)patiently for puberty. I may try out some of the advice here, though. Keep us posted on how it turns out! I'm looking forward to trying some of the suggestions here :-)
