My 7Yr Old Daughter Uses My Heart Hurts Everytime I Get After Her. Help! Help!

She's playing you and you're falling for it. No child ever died from a broken heart after being disciplined for misbehavior.

Be very matter-of-fact. "Mmmhmm. I understand that you are feeling frustrated because you want to do ______. Now go and do what I've asked you to do right now. Chores come before play."

Don't get roped into her emotional manipulation tactics. Don't feel bad for parenting her. Be consistent and let her know that you love her AND you expect her to follow the rules and do what she's asked.

*Adding This: with any kid, of any age... it is a good idea to, routinely, just have a chatting time. Casually. So that the child can deflate/vent/tell you their feelings, even if they had a bad day, etc. Kids need that. So if you chat with them routinely, they will come to know and trust, that they can talk to you and about their feelings, safely. Not having to be PERFECT all the time. My late Dad used to say, that if a kid cannot talk/chat with their parent about stuff, they may then go outside of their parents or family, to do so. And you don't want that.
So anyway, teach your daughter, HOW to communicate and know herself and how to express it to you, in a normal... palatable way. She does not have to tantrum about it, or use manipulation, to do so or to get her way. There is right and wrong, mean and nice...and teach her that.
No one likes, a kid who acts that way... be it a parent or other kids at school.
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You need, to get her used to, rules and boundaries.
If she says things like that... it is because she is being 'scolded.' And then, says those things to you to make you feel bad about it, about scolding her.
BUT a kid that age, DOES know... when they are doing wrong.
So call her on it.
And when she does/says mean things.... call her on it.
She needs to know by now... what is mean or nice.
Kids this age, do.
Teach her that manipulating is not, nice.
Sure she can communicate and use her words to express herself... but you need to teach her... how to communicate.
Kids don't just know that, automatically.
And you must, teach her, how to behave.
And if she does not, you must teach her that there are consequences.
SAME as in, school.
And, throwing tantrums at that age... well, it is not cute anymore. It gets old. Tell her that.
Tell, her that.
Once my kids got to a certain age, I TOLD them, that they know better, by now at this age. They are not 2 years old.
Tantrums and acting whiney and sassy, does NOT work.
They can act that way, but I will not, give in to it.
And I MEAN it. My kids, know that.

I work at an elementary school. Everyday, I hear stuff like that from some kids. The kids who like to manipulate others and use it to take blame away, from themselves. BUT they DO KNOW fully, that they are doing wrong and are not being nice. But yet, they "cry" about it, when others don't put up with it. They act like they, are the "victim" in it.
So I TELL them- "Look, you are 7 years old. You are old enough to know right from wrong and what is nice and mean. YOU CHOOSE.... IT. YOU choose, to be nice or mean, or to do right or wrong. YOU choose it. Then, when others get irked about it, why are you surprised? YOU need to, apologize... to the other kid. You were not being nice, and you KNOW, it...." And I have also told chronic offenders "Do you like to get scolded or get the Teacher mad, everyday?" and the kid says "No..." So then I say "Then WHY, do you CHOOSE, to misbehave, everyday, and then you act all surprised when you are caught or reprimanded for it?" And the kid just looks blankly at me. I tell those kids, that THEY know better. So THEY are responsible, for their actions. I tell them to work on it. And I compliment then when I see them trying.

Ask your daughter why she tantrums.
Ask your daughter why she puts blame on you, when she knows she is being ill behaved.
Teach her how to communicate her feelings, appropriately. She is 7.
Teach her how to chat... about her day. NOT tantrum about it. Teach her the names, for feelings. And HOW to tell you it, in a normal way.
Teach her, how.
Teach her... HOW to tell you, when/if she is frustrated, and that you can chat with her, about it. That you are both, a TEAM.

When my son was 3, he could tell me "Mommy I am frustrated now, I'm going over there to be by myself..." and he would. Then after he'd tell me "Mommy I feel better, now..." and he'd give me a hug. He learned how to cope and tell me his feelings, and how to convey/communicate that.
He learned to know, himself, as well... along the way.
And he never really went through a "tantrum" stage.
From toddlerhood, I taught my kids how to know their feelings/tell me it/convey it. And that, they could tell me.

"oh honey. I'm sorry that your heart hurts. You need to go and lay down until it doesn't."
And then take her to her room, lay her down, and leave.
L.

Cute, but not gonna work forever, so nip it in the bud.

Our daughter used to say, " my feelings are hurting" we would tell her," I understand, so what are you going to do next time? "

Kids know how to get their parents attention, you just need to remind them, that you will always love them, but you know they can follow rules, they can follow directions. But when they make bad choices or do not use their nice words, you will not be pleased because you know the child can do the right things, make the correct choices and they can take responsibility for their own behaviors.

I remind prents to admit when we make mistakes, poor choices, misbehave, lose our tempers.. But then we need t model how to make our mistakes right, how to acknowledge our own behaviors, and how we are not perfect. That our goal is to be the best we can be, but we are willing to accept our mistakes.

Children learn there behaviors from us.

She has you where she wants you. Ignore when she says it.

Tell her your heart hurts when she misbehaves. Seriously this is the kind of thing that you need to say " time out " til you calm down. It's a manipulation. If you have had her tested and there is nothing medically wrong she is pushing your buttons. It gets exactly the response she wants. You stop trying to make her behave and give her your complete attention. Send her to her room and tell her to knock it off or her behind will hurt.

This sounds like manipulation 101. She does this because it is a great way to deflect from her bad behavior- you get sidetracked from disciplining her and instead start worrying about whether she is ok. Also, think about it- when you have hurt feelings, doesn't it kind of hurt in your heart, almost like a physical sting? That might be what she is describing to you.

In any case, and I am assuming when she says this, you are not screaming or being scary, but when she says her heart hurts, you just need to stay calm and stay the course. Let's say she is talking back to you, and you say,"Do not talk back to me" in a calm but firm voice. Then she continues talking back and you send her to her room for a few minutes, so she starts crying that her heart hurts and you do not love her. That is when you do not get sidetracked, and calmly repeat for her to go to her room. When she is calm and done with time out, you can remind her that even when she is in trouble, you still love her, but you will not put up with bad behavior and there will be a consequence when she breaks a rule.

I would also read and follow the book 1-2-3 Magic which is a good book on disciplining children.

This sounds like a problem with communication, and you should be able to get wonderful results using the techniques outlined in the fantastic little book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

This is essentially a crash course, in easy steps, that will not only enhance the communication both ways between you, but it teaches you how to make your daughter part of the solution. Kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.

The parents I know who have used this book have been thrilled. I hope you (and your daughter) will be, too.

My daughter will say her tummy hurts...and this has recently lead to nobody realizing she was sick vs upset. I try to minimize it. "When you can be calm, we can talk." You can also say, "I love you, but I do not like your behavior." Be calm and don't rise to her bait.

Agree on 123 MAGIC and How to talk to kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Both excellent books. She's got you very well trained and you need to stop this at 7. In 5 years this will get really ugly if you don't.

If she says her head hurts, then tell her that she needs to go lay in bed -no toys, books, games, etc. to keep her busy. JUST lay in bed until she feels better.

(Haha, I misread that. Either way, if she says her heart hurts the same concept applies.)

If it stops getting her attention (even if it's negative) and doesn't get her out of trouble, it's a good bet it will stop.

As for saying mean things, just tell her something along he lines of, "that really hurts my feelings, but I still love YOU." Then drop it. Again, if she doesn't get attention for it, it isn't likely to continue.

Same with the tantrums. Send her to her room until she is able to calm down. She isn't a toddler, so tantrums over not getting her way is unacceptable. (With toddlers, it's their learning time so it is to be expected, and handled appropriately.) The moment her tantrum starts, I would pick her up deposit her in her room, and tell her she can come out when she can calm down... Also stand VERY firm in not giving her what she threw he tantrum for in the first place.

Good luck getting these behaviors under control! It's normal to feel list in parenting. You definitely aren't alone in that aspect. :)

My now 10 year old still occasionally tries to do this. I've learned that it is something that needs to be acknowledged on one hand so they don't feel as though you take their thoughts and feelings seriously. On the other hand it is also a manipulation tactic to try and make you feel bad about the situation. I let my child know that in spite of their heart hurting or the fact that she may think I don't love her anymore(yes, mine has also pulled that card)that I do indeed love her dearly but at that point I don't like her xyz(attitude, behavior, what-have-you).

Be strong mom and always follow up with whatever consequences you feel fit the indiscretion. I know it isn't easy but stick with it. Best wishes.

My daughter, who is turning 7 in a couple of weeks, is doing the same thing. She has 3 excuses when she has a tantrum. 1. I had a nightmare last night. 2. She's sad because Grandpa died. (he passed away this summer) 3. She's sad because her dog died. (a year and a half ago.)

The most recent time was yesterday when she screamed at me when I told her to get her gloves before school. Finally, on the way to daycare she told me that she was screaming because she was sad that she'd had a nightmare. I just told her that a nightmare is no excuse to scream at me. That's pretty much what I tell her every time, and I take away her favorite thing, which right now is playing Minecraft on the ipad. I did that after we got home from school/work yesterday and this morning she did much better. Your daughter is also trying to play you and you need to not let her get away with it.

Just be very matter of fact and don't give her any attention for it. Tell her when her heard hurts she is to go lie on her bed till she feels better. No getting up. No TV. No games. My oldest is full of drama like this...I have learned to not give him attention and he eventually gives up. He once spent every day one week having tantrums in the morning saying he could not go to school bc his foot hurt...dramatic limping, crying, refusing to get out of bed, you name it. He would miss the bus some days bc of his dramatics. I'd drive him to school and he would forget and go run off and play with friends...no limp. He also hates when he does not get his way. This is what I do. I think of myself as his coach or drill sargent at times like that...I am very matter of fact and do not give in. When he was younger I learned that if I gave in it just made him worse for the next time.

Have you heard of Love and Logic? I highly recommend this class. I think they sell a book as well. You can google Love and Logic to find out more information. Good luck! Be firm and don't let her "guilt" you.