My 4 Year Old Won't Participate in School. Learning Difficulty? Manipulation?

I have no advice, but I am in a similar boat. My son says he hates school (VPK), he is always getting red or yellow cards for having a bad day, and I am in shambles over it. They say he gets mean at school, doesnt want to listen, and now he's kicking teachers and stuff. I assume once they have enough of that, they'll kick him out, and then I dont know what I'll do. I know it's not that the teachers arent good, because they are, and my daughter (his twin sister) is in the same class. I dont know whether I need to take him and have him evaluated, or just try to get through it because boys tend to be rowdy. I feel awful when I pick them up and they tell me how mean he was that day. Kids can be so tough! Just wanted to let you know you arent alone!

He is not too young for school, that is silly. Yes, maybe a school with different stucture is needed. However, he could truely not understand some things as far as how the structure operates and this is his defense mechanism. What does he say about the school, teachers, friends etc...? I don't know of any daycare the is just a daycare at that age, they all educate and expect certain conduct. As others have said, maybe he would thrive in a certain learning environment but the problem is, you have to figure that out! Not easy when you have work to think about and you don't want to move him all the time. An evaluation can be good, but I wouldn't assume anything is "wrong" he is just having a difficult adjustment. I wish you the best of luck! You need input from him. What causes this, what would make things better for him?

I agree with Virginia. Find a program that uses play to learn. I have 2 sons, 5 and 8, who attended a preschool program focused on play and physical movement. Your son's probably not ready for a structured classroom setting - he'll get plenty of that in elementary school.

The teachers aren't aware that he's got separation anxiety and is a bit immature to follow rules of conformity? Our system still tries too harshly to get a square peg into a round hole. He's not comfortable with another female/male figure during the day, because he has to wait all day to see his mother, his comfort zone, his heart.
My youngest went through this, as I was a SAHM and his older brothers took off for school, leaving me all to himself. He hated the idea of pre-school. It will pass as he matures and makes friends. This is what motivates kids to like school...their likeable peers. Perhaps a few playdates over the weekend with a classmate that he likes will help ease the dislike for the classroom.

Also, a Montessori method is a godsend for all children, who learn in different capacities, like visual, auditory, reading. Each child works at his/her own pace; and is encouraged to help another child having any difficulty mastering the subject. Please look into it.
You will get a wealth of information from home-schooling parents. Please check out what groups are in your area. The cost is minimal.
That you are working full time, this may only stress you out to move him again. And our children pick up the energies of their parents, siblings, teachers and friends. Even the pets pick this up.
I will suggest that, instead of your son being "forced" to sit in circle, an event that can be intimidating, that she have him cut out paper shapes the rest of the class will use for an art project. He can "erase the board" during recess, unless that's his favorite event. There are so many creative ways to ease a child into the classroom environment. Also, peer pressure starts at this early age and he may be shy to express himself. So if speech is an impediment, then allow him to draw and paint, bring a disposable camera to class and ask him to take pictures of activities during the day and then have them placed on a poster board as a collage...
His speech will improve as he matures. Making a big deal out of it will only suppress his self-esteem. When he is assured he can be creative and learning at the same time (tell him to "listen in" to the teacher when he's attending to another project...he'll be a happy camper."
Blessings, S.

Could he just be introverted, shy and/or just bored! Is he even being praised for his accomplishments..that can be a turn off too for him. Some kids are not talkative and that doesn't make them have a disability.

Lots of people would rather be by themselves. Not a crime.
Check out YokaReader.com for sane sugestions, and maybe he needs someone who has a very smal group. Maybe homeschool and work a different sch?
Best of luck,k

4 years old is very young and many children aren't ready for VPK. In this day and age we all act like kids MUST attend these programs which is ridiculous. Children this age still need their parents and it's not unusual at all for them to not thrive in a VPK setting.

Personally I would take him out of VPK and work with him at home. As long as he is engaging with you, having appropriate play time at the park or something so there is some interaction with other kids, and learning age appropriate information there is no need to put him in an environment that is so stressful for him.

I do not intend to send my 2 year old to VPK. He already knows his alphabet and most of his numbers. He is fine socially when it comes to playing with other kids. He'll be in a structured school setting soon enough...no reason to rush him.

VPK is not just about learning "school work"; it's also about learning how to BE in school. It just seems that your son is fine with the content of school, but still has a lot to learn about how to ACT in school. That is a big goal for PreK; how to act in a structured environment with an authority figure and lots of kids.

First, YOU have to decide if he's too young to learn this. Many kids with a late birthday (near the Sept cutoff for starting school) are just not ready to start "on time" and need another year of growing. Some kids with birthdays not very close to the Sept cutoff need the growth year too. (I hear this is particularly applicable to boys) Maybe he just needs a growth year. Giving him one would be much better than playing catch up for the next 15 years.... for you & for him.

If you're certain you don't want to, or can't, give him a growth year then you need to change what you are working on with him at home. Take your focus off of WHAT he is learning in school.(alphabet, numbers, etc.) and put the focus on teaching him how to act in that setting (how to obey teachers, gaining patience for sitting in a circle, listening skills). Don't work on letters with him at home, work with him on accepting separation and how to handle schedule transitions, etc.

I think switching schools again would add to the problem. It will just add to his anxiety and instability in that setting if you keep changing it on him. Montessori might be better for him, but not if you intend to have him in public schools for elementary. You need to teach him to function in the setting he is going to be in for the future. If he has Montessori preschool, he will learn to function in that setting and he will not be prepared for a public school setting when he arrives there.

Learning how to function and act in school is just like any other skill. It takes lessons, practice and teachers who know that is what he is there to work on and learn (and not just the ABCs) - both at home and in the classroom. Let the teachers know that the other kids may be working on writing their ABCs but your son's goal this year is learning how to sit in circle, etc. You need to change their focus, too.

Hi, B.. Your son may have hearing issues, too. Not necessarily a hearing problem, but the noise of the other children and the school in general may be a problem for him. He might have a problem with the bright lights (find out if the school room is giving him a headache), or he may be allergic to chalk dust or other stuff found in the classroom.

Something about the class room is provoking him to act out. He may simply be too immature for school just yet. This new standard of forcing kids to be in school at age 4 is not based on any kind of sound, developmental science! It's an effort to blame the bad literacy rate on the child. Unfortunately, starting a child out in school too soon tends to give the child an intense hatred of school and a life-long avoidance of learning. So VPK can actually contribute to illiteracy instead of curing it.

Your child can learn, obviously, if he works well with you at home. I'm not an expert, but it doesn't sound like he has a learning problem. He may have a problem socializing (the speech problem can account for some of that). Kids who have hearing issues, whether a hearing loss or some other trouble with being bothered by noises, have a hard time learning to speak. He may hear well enough, but the sounds may be distorted, especially if there are too many of them coming at him at once or they are too loud.

He may simply be around so many children that he feels lost or threatened. If he hasn't been in too many situations with large numbers of people in his life so far, he may not know how to be comfortable in a crowd. He may just need a smaller classroom size.

He may need another year before he's OK to be in school. In the meantime, since the two of you work well together, you can give him the same learning experience at home, and it will give him a positive foundation instead of creating a negative emotional foundation for school. Kids his age do not handle frustration well, and if he keeps feeling totally frustrated by this situation, he's not going to handle it well.

Anyway, I hope it all works out well for him, and you find the right setting for him.

Peace,
Syl

Sometime in public school's they have pre-k for special needs. You should check that out. They would help with his needs better. Good luck.

It sounds like he needs to be evaluated. That's not a bad thing ... it's just part of the process. It's better to find out if there is an additional obsticle for him to climb rather than just running into wall all the time. You know?

I just wanted to send you ((((HUGS)))) and let you know you aren't alone. Being a single mom is hard work and emotionally taxing. THings like this can be doubly hard for us!! Take care and I pray that you find an answer to your question soon.

Some schools do offer a free preK program for special needs. My son and went through it and now my daughter does. They both needed speech therapy for speech delays. A great program for getting prek schooling and speech therapy when you have no ins or ins will not cover the therapy your child needs. It is a great program for all special needs kids. I have seen them work with Down Syndrom and autistic children personally and watched them develop skills over time. My daughter was a temper tamtom pro. Who could not get her out of it. At school they also worked on this issue and of course her potty training. Don't know how they did it but most of her tempers have disappeared and her behavier is improved a great deal. Call the school district and they will set you up with an evaluation. You can send me a message for more info if you want.

What is Nova or the Dan Marino?

get help from the public school system! they can evaluate him, etc. it is his right!

Nova is amazing. Did they do the testing or have you gone through FDLRS? My oldest son is 8. At 3 he was diagnosed with PDD/NOS - Autism. He sounded like he was ordering Chinese food and had a hard time transitioning (understatement). We went through the Nova program and he was able to enter K with an aide. At third grade, he functions with only a speech back-up. It is amazing. Hang in there. You also might want to contact the Dan Marino center, there are a ton of free programs out there.

Hi B.,
Not all children fit into that "mold" for a classroom setting. He seems too young. not all children are ready to start that "school" setting at such a young age, especially boys. I have 2 girls and 2 boys and we homeschool and my oldest which is a girl was ready at 3 and my second which is a girl wasn't really ready until almost 5. My 3rd child which is a boy and he's 4 and he's no where near ready to start school work, but we read a lot as a family and sing songs, and I'm very leniate, because I know boys develope differently from girls and aren't usually ready for "school" work until 5 or 6.
I would recommend giving him another year and if you don't have the advantage of staying home with him, just pull him out of the program and into a regular daycare where he can just play and be a boy which is what they need at this age. And every moment you are with him you can turn it into a learning moment without even realizing it, just by talking to him, answering his questions and asking him questions while you're traveling in the car about the signs that you pass, the cars that you pass, maybe if you pass by farms. Just really interact with him and get him in an enviroment where it's not so focused on pushing him to learn until he's older. He won't be behind. Kids learn quick and some just learn differently.
Take care! And hope it all works out for you.
V.