My 4 Year Old Wants to Be a Drop Out

If she must go to a school (b/c you work) then I think it's clear from what you wrote that she would be happier someplace with more older kids and adults around. Montessori does mixed-age groups.

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My son is 5 years old. He can read, write and do multiplication. His best friend is 9 years old and they totally relate to each other. He J. cannot relate to kids his own age. I had him tested and sure enough he scored high in all academic levels including science.

We decided to put him in a private school and it was the best decision we ever made. He looooooooves it, all the kids are at his level and the teachers are amazing.

Had the private school not worked out, I would have homeschooled without hesitation.

We also have him enrolled in little league to have him interact with kids his own age, and he thoroughly enjoys it. I’m sure because they are all part of a team, playing the same sport and having loads of fun.

Best of luck with your daughter!

As a parent of a verbally gifted 11 year old, who has been struggling with all this for a long time, my advice would be to run away from school as fast as you can. We have tried tow different private schools and talked with the public schools -- they cannot help kids like this. Verbally gifted kids have more trouble with social stuff than any other type of giftedness, and depending on how gifted (I would suggest testing) some studies have indicated that they would need to be near social geniuses to spend all day at school with kids their own age. She can do scouts, sports, clubs and other things with age peers but forcing her to spend 6 hours a day with them, is too much.

That said, I stuck it out and have regretted pretty much every year since Pre-K and we are not in 5th grade. Last year my son was in Pre-K and it didn't go well. I pulled him out and homeschooled him for kindergarten -- figuring at the end of this year we would either send him to kindergarten proper, or first grade. The whole family is happier, he has friends, and we love it --- we are sticking with it, and I wish I had done it a long time ago with my daughter. We do school -- I am not unschooling -- and we have a correspondence course so their are teachers for M. to consult with and grade his work. His test scores indicate it is working. I love it!!

Interacting well with adults, but not with kids her age is a key side-effect of high intelligence. Went through this with my sister. All of her friends were 2 years older.

I would try too things.
1. Enroll her in some after-school activities: Daisy girls, soccer, dance class... here she can learn to interact with kids her age without the academics in the mix.

2. Buy some reading flash cards and some early readers, Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstien. I bet she'll surprise you at what she can learn.

Is your little girl an introvert? J. wondering, because some days, I have the same feelings (mostly, "J. leave M. alone now and let M. think"). I too am not a 'group' person and have to work hard to feel comfortable within a group of people. One on one relationships, however, is where I thrive.
(There's a great book on this called "The Introvert Advantage".)

Montessori is based more in independent self-direction for learning, and while this might be attractive, I would wonder what else might help your child. (Montessori might also cause kindergarten to be a huge adjustment socially and not stimulating enough for her intellectually). Have you spoken to the teachers in regard to 'drawing her out'? And what does that look like for them?

I'm having a difficult time with this question because I don't know what her teachers are doing to remedy this for her, and to soften those transitions between playing alone and within groups. Instead, I'll tell you that my son is going through a similar situation. He's almost 4 and has some of the exact same characteristics as your daughter: likes to engage with adults first, would rather play near the children than "with", and while he's not exhibiting the intellect your daughter has for academics, we think he's pretty bright.

Well, his teachers at school have been stretching him outside his comfort zone and 'assigning' him groups to play with during the first chunk of the school day (say between 20-40 minutes). They give him a child to 'shadow' and he must do everything they do, which I *know* is work for him. (He's the kid who would rather be at the sand or water or clay table every day, none of this group play stuff!) And when he leaves the group to play elsewhere, they lead him back and make him stay in the play. These teachers are gentle but firm when doing this, and I'm so grateful, because being his mom, this would be a very difficult thing for M. to do on my own with him.

It's hard work, for children, being in groups. Groups require them to become more flexible in their ideas, because a child's ideas as to how the play might go sometimes works with the group, sometimes it doesn't. Children like to use toys and to build in differerent ways; they assign character roles in their dramatic play, and sometimes kids don't get to 'be' who they want. Being that children are constantly negotiating storylines, props and their uses, roles... this is a lot of work for our 4's and 5's.

I, too, have heard a lot of 'I don't want to go to school', lately. Some of it reflects his enjoyment of being at home, to have the ease of playing as he likes and having Mama's attention to himself. These are all compelling reasons to want to stay home. At home, a child may be the only child, or one of a few instead of one of many. Also attractive to a child. And play is easiest, because it's likely J. one child's idea of 'how' the play should go, no having to wait a turn to lead, or follow another child's direction.

That said, and know that I do like Montessori, too-- I think you might stay where you are for the rest of the year and J. keep in good contact with the teachers. Find out what they are doing to facilitate that transition for her from playing independently to playing within groups. As a preschool teacher myself, *this* is the primary reason I send my son to preschool. Most of what we teach in preschool most parents could teach on their own at home, if they were so inclined. But playing in groups, and being within the group-- it's these experiences that help to build the foundation for larger school experiences and navigating them successfully. If you still feel that these teachers aren't meeting your daughter's needs in this way, then consider a move to someplace where the teachers might be more experienced in helping children become more socially engaged.

J. my two cents-- I know every child is different. And I *do* appreciate the stretching your daughter is doing. I'm sure you will make the best choice for her. J. remember-- "I don't want to go to school" is often more about "I'm really being challenged" than it is that "School is bad".:)

H.

HI, You go t some good responses. However, I J. wanted to add that she does NOT need to learn how to interact with other 4 year olds. As she gets older & becomes an adult, she will not be interacting with 4 year olds. She needs to learn how to interact with people of different abilities, but they don't have to be 4 year olds. Most importantly, she needs to learn how to interact with her peers...that means smart people like her. Not people her age. As adults we rarely interact with people the exact same as as ourselves. I don't know why we force kids to do it. Kids all develop at different paces & with different strengths & weaknesses. You may want to look into seeing if the school will allow her to skip a grade or two. If necessary (and you can afford it) you could find a private school that would let her be in a more advanced grade level. Then the next year she can return to public school & they would need to put her in the next grade level.

Your daughter seems to think that school is there for academic purposes only. She's 4 but knows multiplication? Yikes! I'm not sure why you felt like a dummy, though - do you mean that you were surprised she knew that answer? I would be too!

She corrects grammar but cannot interact with children? She may be more mature in some ways which is why she prefers older companions, but that's not life. I don't think there is much you can do on your own - she's already offering to pay you to leave her alone!

I'd have her evaluated to see if there is some sort of underlying anxiety disorder or fear. I agree with your thought of "letting her thrive the ways she is comfortable" in the sense that all children have their own personalities and needs. However, she is not happy in her own way and so some more investigating is probably indicated.

Hi Jen. How many children are in her current pre -school class? She may be quiet because she feels as though she's not being heard over a room full of children. There's nothing wrong with checking into other schools to find a better fit for your little girl. Take her with you to interview the schools...this is a great way to make her feel like she has a bit of control and also will let you see how the staff interacts with her.
Good luck...stay positive that you'll figure this out.
PS...you're not stupid. Without you she wouldn't be here.

Jenn:

Is there some reason you have put her into school this early in life?
J. want to know.
D.

Smart kid. It would be worth it to put her in a school with a gifted and talented program.She is obviously not being challenged. Channel her energies in the right direction. She will do well if she is challenged. If not she will be bored and may wind up getting in to trouble in school because she will not feel like it is worth her time.

I think you should look into a Montessouri type school.
Your lil girl is VERY smart and sometimes kids like that get along better with adults.
She should be able to learn at her own pace. If she's 4, but can read at a 7y/o lvl then she should be able to do that in school and at home.
I went to a private school that was similar to Montessouri schools.
I LOVED IT. I didn't have to sit in class with kids my age and go over the same things that I already knew. I was able to flourish. Able to learn ahead of my grade and age. It was the best education I could have asked for.
Then I went to a HS in California where the students could barely READ!?!
I was so miserable. They put M. in classes they thought I should be in because I was a freshman. Well I hated it. I had to sit with these idiots that couldn't read and were still going over their times tables.

Not saying all schools are like that. J. happens to be a City school I got stuck in.