My 4 Year Old Is Aggresive with His Classmates.

I did not read any other responses so this was prolly already addressed.
You should not cancel his party. That will make him act out even more. Instead I would, heaven forbid, let this juice incidence go. His teacher or aide will take care of that. In my house if the kids get in trouble at school, they handle it. There is no reason for the kids to be punished 2 times for 1 crime.
I am an Instructional Aide at the local elementary school and the kids do pay the price for misbehaving. They get benched, or sent to the office.

I had my 4 year old in preschool. I think it's easier for kids that age (less formal than kindergarden). When he started preschool his brothers were 1 1/2 and 2 months. He was jealous too. This is what worked: while breastfeeding he would snuggle up to me and I was reading books, or we would watch some funny cartoons or even have a snack. It made him feel special. I also engaged him in "big boy" activities like: helping with diaper changes, setting the table for dinner (you get the idea), all things that his 1 1/2 year old brother couldn't do yet. Now with 4 boys in the house I go on doing the same with the other boys. So far it worked just fine.
Good luck.

I've attempted to respond a couple of times but got interrupted. After reading Susan's (S H) response, I'm glad I did. She says it perfectly, doesn't she!?

So, I ditto Susan! (-:

M.

Disciplining for "jealousy" is tough. I don't think it's good...or it may only make him more angry. Your son is "acting out" this way, because he has inner turmoil and trouble adjusting to his sibling.

At this age... talk with him. It's not just about doing "things" with the child...but talking with them, with no judgment, and no criticizing. Kids "need" to know that they are "heard" and their "feelings" are validated. Explain emotions to him... so he knows you understand.

A child this young cannot be expected to "control" their feelings... remember too, that having a sibling is a LOT of STRESS and pressure on an eldest child. The "eldest" child is ALWAYS EXPECTED to be "better" , more behaved, more perfect, more helpful, more ignored, and blamed more than their sibling ...NO WONDER they get angry and jealous! Keep this in mind...a child like this needs compassion. An eldest child CANNOT be expected to be EVERYTHING perfect.... they are not ready for this.

DO NOT take away his birthday party...that is a personal injury to a child. It affects their heart. Children are tender. It's emotional blackmail. Not good. You want your child to TRUST you, and to know that you will ALWAYS be there for him. Children are very tender hearted...no matter how old. Your son did not ask to be the oldest...much less having to be perfect.

I know, because a 7 year old once vented to me... she was very stressed and complained to me about her parents... I told her to talk to her Parents, but she refused saying "they don't listen to me, they just blame me for everything.... they only want me to do what they want. If my sister and brother freak out about something they just blame me even if I tell them it wasn't my fault..." This poor girl had lost all "trust" and "belief" in her Parents that they would be there for her. So, she is now a very stressed and unhappy young child. It's sad.

Take this as a pearl of an example...when your son is behaving this way... take a deep breath and try to "see" him with new eyes. Work on his inner self... his emotions....his "hardship" in his heart. Do NOT punish him for this... he is going through a life changing event... his sibling. It's NOT easy for an eldest child. Take heart. Have patience with him... tell his teachers the difficulty and transition he is going through....enlist their "support" and kindness in "helping" your son too. Taking away "hope" in a child, is very demoralizing. They must always have hope... and belief.

Take care,
Susan

Even though he is allowed to go to preschool at this age, I find, as a former kindergarten teacher, that especially with boys, it is best to wait until they are 5 years old to start that. They are just not developmentally mature enough in most cases to sit for so long and interact the way the other mostly 5 year olds do. THere is also a smaller risk of retention if they are 5 when they start. He is likely one of the youngest ones in his class.
Good luck with your decision!
Cheers,
J.
P.S. Avoid processed foods, anything with food dyes or preservatives is also essential.

There are some amazing women here aren't there? So much great advice. But advice is only good if you take it and use it.

Your son is 4. He will act like he is 4. He will do things because he is 4. If he is "out of control" it it because he is 4. (By the way, who's "control" do you want him to be "in"?)

Do you spend time with just him?

Do you honour him the way you honour the new baby? You know you spend one on one time while breatfeeding, when does he get equal one on one time?

Do you do special things just for and with him?

Does daddy and him have quality time together?

Does he get treated like he's 4 or do you expect him to be more grown up then he really is?

Why does "most" of the attention got to the new baby? There are two parents in the house and 2 children.

Does he have something special that is only for him, that only he can do, have or touch when you are breastfeeding?

Does he know, really know deep deep down that you love him the same even though you spend "most of the attention" on "the other child"?

I hope I am not coming across as being mean or anything, i would just to get you thinking about what could be different.

I have a 12 year old and a 9 year old. Right from the beginning, they were treated to one special "thing" each week. So for example, when I was breastfeeding my youngest, the oldest had her "grown up dishes" and she got a snack. She got "real dishes", "real cutlery" etc and was able to "get her own snack". Then, as soon as the youngest was asleep, the oldest got 30 mins of "her time". There was never any jealousy, there was never any sibling rivalry. There was no need for dicipline.

If you know that he is jealous, change it. If you know he feels he gets no attention, change it. You are the mom. You make the decisions. You can to choose what kind of house you live in and what kind of children you raise.

You are a great mom. You asked for help. That shows you truly care.

B.

They still have one special day with mom and activity (seperately each week).

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Punishment and taking things away will just deepen his discouragement. I suggest trying to take an opposite approach. Plan a special time with him only (either you or your husband...which I know is SUPER difficult with 3 kids since I'm about to have my fourth). Talk about what he has done well (use descriptive and encouraging words like, "wow, you were really patient when... or Ms. So and So said you shared so nicely with XYZ" avoid 'praise' like "you are a good boy" that says nothing as it is too generic. And when you talk to him before school, don't say, "no hitting or being bad" but talk about being gentle, sharing, etc. The more you stay positive, the more he's likely to feel positive.

Good luck!!

C.

you are not going to like what I have to say. I think your sonis too young for kindergarten (socially). Pull him out and put him into pre-K. Most boys are not ready socially for kindergarten at 5 yrs and need another year.
Cancelling his B party was a bit overkill for the offense. You give him no incentive to be "good" with such harsh punishment for a small offense (and did you make it very clear what exactly "not good behavior" was?
Sorry, but you need to take care of this now.

You probably need to hold him back another year. He doesn't sound socially ready for Kindergarten.

Hi R.,
As a teacher I must say that 4 years old is awful young for kindergarten, especially since he's a boy. Boys typically need more time to grow-up than girls. I am not sure if it's an option for you, but maybe you could consider putting him back in preschool for another year or two. His behavior sounds to me like a very frustrated little boy.
As for his party, I would suggest finding another form of discipline.

I believe he's just one of those kids that would benefit from having another year at home before kindergarten. He's 4 right? He's probably just too emotionally young to start. When does he turn 5? Honestly, I think you should pull him out of K and put him back in preschool this year so he can work on his social skills.

Taking away he bday party probably was a bit harsh, but I see where you were desperate to reach him. He's just too "immature" to reason with that way though. See if you can get him to "earn it back" with good behavior.

Another year will benefit him acedemicly too. He'll be more able to handle the higher maths as he gets older and so on. I really think you need to pull him out. He's just not ready.

Sorry, I know it probably isn't what you wanted to hear. Good luck, J.

Hello R.,

The most important thing is to remember not to make idle threats, that will only show him that you are not serious about your discipline. I know it is hard and sometimes we blurt out whatever we can think of, but try to be very careful of what you take away, ie; bday parties! I kept a basket of books, coloring books, crayons and small toys wherever I was nursing and that way my toddler or older children could sit with me and I could still read to them, watch them color, etc. sometimes it is just being welcomed to sit with you and be next to you is what they need so that they feel a part of the family with the baby.

I would try to get him alone one day a week for play time with mom, get a sitter, or do it on a Sauturday when your husband can be with your other children and see if that helps, even if only for an hour, that is his hour all alone with you!!

Good luck!!

You might considering pulling him from kindergarten and waiting until next year. Four is VERY young. I started one of mine at four thinking I'd do one year of public school before private because he missed the September cut offs. It was the biggest mistake. All the other boys were 5 turning 6. He had a horrible year. He acted out to get attention from the older boys who were downright cruel to him. Let him spend another year at home or half-day preschool with you and the baby. Help him to feel special in his place in the family. I wish I could give that year back to my son. He was bright enough and academically ready, but four is very, very young.

You probably don't want to hear this but my opinion is that he is not ready for Kindergarten. I'm sure he is smart and knows his numbers, colors and alphabet but he is not emotionally or socially ready. He needs more time with you. Find a good social preschool. I think that once he hits middle school you will be sorry that you didn't wait. Kindergarten is not what it used to be. There is a lot of homework and pressure on the kids today. Take this extra year with him and enjoy it.

My older child went through this when his little brother was a baby too. I know it is really hard because people get so stuck on the behavior, they start to forget that they are dealing with a very small child who is just acting out. You said it yourself that he is a really good kid- believe that! even when he isn't acting like it. I think older siblings all have a hard time when they feel like they aren't getting the attention they need. As moms, it is impossible to be fair and equal all the time... so you should remember that kids do NOT want to be treated equally, but rather UNIQUELY. Your baby has very special unique needs... and so does your four year old.
In your crazy schedule, you need to find time to spend with your four year old. He is still your baby- even if he is the older child. Once he gets your attention just for being your child, he won't seek it elsewhere. He doesn't need to be involved with your nursing, but when the baby falls asleep, make a big point of telling the sleeping baby that it's your 4 year old's turn and do something unique with him.
It is important to correct his behavior, especially if he is hurting others, but try to keep in mind he is not a grown teenager- make his punishment something that a four year old can understand and relate back to the crime. I think taking away a birthday party doesn't seem to fit the crime. Don't make your life at home all about responding to his bad behavior by taking away fun.
I think punishments should be relevant to the behavior: If he makes a mess, make him clean it. If he hurts a friend, make him say sorry and don't let him have any playdates that day or week... Talk to him and tell him that his friend was really upset that he hurt her. Ask him if he would want to play with a friend who hurts him- and then ask if he thinks that friend is going to want to play with him anymore if he keeps hurting her. Talk to him, listen to him and make sure he knows that the bigger consequence to hurting friends is that they won't want to play with him if he doesn't play nice. Losing toys is tough, but he gets them back and he gets your attention along the way. I think time outs are much more effective- it gives him time to think and you time to cool down if you are upset. Make sure he says sorry to you for being mean to his friend. Ask him to make a picture for her to say sorry or to make a card. Help him turn it around so he can learn how to repair his damage. He may be bigger, but he needs you to teach him how to be a good kid and how to fix his mistakes.
In a nutshell, I strongly believe he is a very young boy who wants attention and deserves your attention, so if you take 30 minutes a day to give to only him- doing something constructive like playing a game, reading books, throwing a ball, doing a puzzle... whatever (during baby's nap... whenever you can schedule it) you should try to do it. He will feel more confident and secure in your relationship and will hopefully change his behavior on his own.
Lastly, I absolutely agree that he is too young for kindergarten. Is he really in K? I agree with the rest of the moms who were concerned with his age. Boys need to feel like they can win sometimes and if he is the youngest, he is probably a little behind. Struggle is not a good thing in school- it is very hard when a child is not socially ready to sit in class and follow the rules. Give him a year to grow and you will be giving him a chance to be ahead of the game, not one that falls behind!
Hope this helps!

Dear R.,

You are not going to like what I say....Take him out of K. and let him go to a preschool two or so times a week, or even one time a week, whatever you can do. He needs to mature more before he takes on today's type of Kindergarten. It will not hurt him at all, and it will be the best gift that you can ever give him AND your family. You all will go through a lot of hell all through the school years if you do let him continue K this year.

I know that sounds pretty rough, but I have seen it over and over again during my lifetime, and I have had a lot of experiences with children and families ...this is the best advice I can give you. He needs some more growing up time, and he will just do great in K. next year. He is being an individual person, just what we all are, some mature faster and some mature at a different rate. Give him a break, he is a little kid, and so what if he is jealous, it is a normal natural state of a 4 year old when that baby comes to his house. Sincerely, C. N.

Hi R.. I don't have much advice to give you on the behavior issue, but regarding his birthday party, please don't cancel it. His birthday only comes once a year, and is something all kids should look forward to. If you want to give him some repercussions associated with the party, let him have it, but tell him he can't play with his toys until he starts being nicer to people. I'm only telling you this because one year, many years ago, I was so mad at my son, and I contemplated not taking him Trick-or-Treating. I had mentioned it in the office at work one day, and the lady who sat in front of me, an older lady, explained it really well. You just don't take away holidays, etc.. for behavior issues, or other, because it's really all they have to look forward to all year (the birthdays and holidays) and I wish I could remember the exact way she put it to me so that I could reiterate it to you, but I can't, so this is the best I can do. LOL Sorry :( anyway, whatever she said had such a huge impact on me, and I realized she was right, and never again did I think or actually do that, although I threatened my kids with it numerous times when they pissed me off. LOL They just didn't know I wasn't going to go through with it, so they cleaned up their acts because they didn't want to risk not being able to participate in whatever it was. I hope this helps somewhat. Best of luck to you on the other!!

I am a preschool teacher As well as the mother of two boys- 4 and 1 year I have to agree that Susan did give a good response!
I would like to add that, on top of a new sibling, starting kindergarten can also be extremely stressful-new teacher, new friends, new routine ect...
If possible, try a little one on one time with your son-just the two of you. Give him a couple options and let him pick the activity. And do this once a week. Whether it's going to the park, playing a board game while baby naps, or taking a walk. Your son will really appreciate the time.
Also, instead of immediately "threatening" that there will be no B-day or saying I will take away ALL your toys-make sure to give consequences that you are REALLY willing to follow through with. Your son is testing you, and if you threaten and don't follow through I guarantee that you will see the behavior get worse.
Being the mother of two is tough and exhausting-I know. Hang in there and try to give each child a little one-on-one mommy time. You'll be glad you did.

I'm assuming that he's in year-round school, since he's only four and has started kindergarten. He's very young to be starting school, so that probably has a lot to do with his behavior. It's a lot to adjust to when you start school, anyway, but to be so young, it's even harder.
When you discipline, you have to address each behavior. You can't do a blanket punishment for all of his poor behavior. Yes, I think that you were too hard on him by taking away his party. He won't remember what he did to lose it, he'll only remember that he didn't get to have a party. You need to come up with a set of rules and consequences for breaking the rules. The consequence has to fit the "crime". For instance, if he throws a fit because he can't play with you while you're breastfeeding, he has to go in another room until you're done. He'll soon learn that if he wants to be with you, he has to behave appropriately.
Good luck. :)

What does his teacher say? It sounds like he may not be ready for kindergarten. Talk with his teacher. Even if he is academically ready he may not be emotionally and socially ready. I am a kindergarten teacher and kids sometimes act out when they are unable to cope. Also, don't cancel his party. It was wrong to pour juice on the other child but you can take tv or something else away. It sounds like mautrity not spite.

The first thing you should try is to involve him more w/his little sister. For example, tell him you NEED him to help you feed her or dress her or play w/her, whatever he will respond to. ALSO, you need to reverse it as well. For instance, say to your daughter, in front of him, let's play with your brother or let's read a story together. Although you think you are giving equal time, it doesn't always work that way & you really need to be aware of what you are saying and doing. To take his bday away is giving him negative reinforcement. However, you can make him earn it back. Start taking notice in the good things he does and give him verbal accolades. If he has a really good day, tell him that you are so proud of him and as a result, he gets to have a bday party. But next time he does something wrong, you need to think of something else. A bday can be a big thing to a kid and by taking it away you are taking away the sense that he IS important and loved. If the aggressiveness continues, you should take him to your doctor so they can run some tests to make sure there is nothing pathological going on....take notes for the next couple weeks as to what he eats & when he gets aggressive & what else is happening around him. This will help you and your doctor understand him a bit more. Good Luck and remember, we all say "no" way too often but rarely are we givin' out hugs & kisses because we get so wrapped up in life. Just give him love & praises even when he's doing something normal, it's easy to start this way. Lake Forest mom

He is WAY too young to be in kindergarten. He is being put into a social situation for which he is not ready. My mom was an elementary school principal for 30 years, and she always said that the boys who were sent to kindergarten too early invariably developed discipline problems that followed them throughout their school years. She said the best way to help a boy get off to a good start in school was to not send him to kindergarten until at least the age of 5 1/2. Six would have been her preference. Did you know that throughout most of Europe children do not start school until the age of seven? And, just a fact, in those countries the educational standard is much higher than in the U.S.

I do not think this is a discipline issue, and taking his birthday party away from him is just outrageous. You shouldn't punish a child because they are not developmentally ready to do what you feel they should be doing. It sounds to me as if he would really benefit from another year at home with you. Having a new baby is not a good reason for rushing your son into school, and it will only make the jealousy issue worse. Good luck, and please rethink having your son in school at this young age.

This is a small suggestion, but there is a game called Hullabaloo that is easy to have them play and you watch and interact with while you're sitting on the couch nursing. My three year old loves it and so does my four year old niece. It's also an active game so they don't get bored as easily...Target carries it...maybe that is one small thing you can do to have him feel like he's getting attention while you're nursing.

I got a lot of help from 2 books; Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves (to get your heart in a good place), and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk (full of practical, easy to use directions). The same authors of the How to book, Faber and Mazlish, wrote another one called Siblings without Rivalry, and I haven't read it but I've heard wonderful things about it. You sound like a loving mom who means well. Cancelling his birthday may have been a bit harsh, but you can always take it back and tell him you were just really frustrated! Good luck! Also, I have a 5 year old who reads at a 5th grade level (actually tested). He is so immature that we're waiting til 6 to start K.

R.,
I know you've gotten lots of advice so far already, but this might be helpful to you, too. Figure out some things he CAN work on, and SUCCEED at, and make a chart, (like it shows how free on this website):
http://www.gomommygo.com/thankdontspank.html
Soon he will be so proud of himself for the good things he CAN do, he may become less interested in getting attention for being bad. PLUS! Don't let him watch TV (unless you choose a special show that only has GOOD examples, not bad ones. MONKEY SEE-MONEY DO!)
Hope it helps!
Best,
R.

Why is a 4 year old boy in kindergarten? Boys are a little slower than girls at this age and I would think 4 is too young for this experience. Perhaps he is trying to tell you that it is too much. Otherwise I think you are right to nip this right now but I would do a punishment that is immediate - taking away a party "in the future" is not that helpful. Send him to his room right after the offense for a long time. What about scheduling some play dates with one or two kids to work on group behavior? Good luck!

Hi R., Don't take his birthday party away, that's not the answer, Every morning on your way to school talk to him about obeying the rules. Back in ink jar days boys would dip the end of girls ponytails in the ink jars, so I guess times haven't really chaged that much. I had 2 daycare little boys in kindergarten last year, and one of them, didn't alweays behave, so everymorning when we got to school we sat in the car for a few minutes and talked about his behavior, when he had a good week to got rewarded, when he didn't , he didn't ghet rewarded, I'm sure you will get a lot of feed back about not cancelling his birthday party, that's his special day sweetie and it's not determind by behavior. If you try my advice keep me posted on how he does if you don't mind. J.

It sounds like he might be acting out due to the change, this is typical and if it doesn't change after 2 months then start to worry. Kids esp at this age don't know yet how to talk to us about things or how to express them self's. And he also might not be used to being away from you? Sometimes kids will act out because they miss their parents. What you could do is try and be near by in case they need you and see if that helps then slowly stop being around.

Now also I noticed you said you had a new baby well this is big for kids they get very upset because they don't understand why they are getting less attention now its really important he gets the attention some where even if its on a weekend you and him go play at the park for an hr alone no baby. He needs this alone time so know you still care, crazy yes? No its not. Also have him spend time with you and the new baby let him help, it will make him feel more grown up and may help with any resentment or anger toward the new bundle of joy. :)

He may also earn back his party? Give him a reward chart, stickers & paper work just fine! Make your own and hang it up. If he loses his smiley face or star for the day then he gets no reward. If he keeps its and does well and get say 5 days in a month he can have his party? Something along those lines doesn't have to be 5 could be 2! Just what ever goal you want for him. Also my child is ADHD and we did try organic and better foods for almost a yr didn't make a HUGE difference we noticed, time outs and the sticker chart and a SET schedule because some kids when the schedule gets disrupted just for a drs appt will act out. Its normal.

Hi,
I'm just throwing this out there, but it sounds as though your son might not be socially ready for the Kindergarten environment. Sometimes our children are academically ready for school, but not socially or emotionally. I have a 5 1/2 yr old daughter who turns 6 in November. I waited the extra year to start Kindergarten for her because I felt that she might not be totally ready. It was the best decision I have ever made and I think this year in Kindergarten will be a good, successful experience because of it. I would discuss his behavior with his teacher and get his/her assessment. Also, you may want to consider Chauncey-Bruce testing to assess his emotional/social/academic age and readiness for Kindergarten.
If you decide to take him out, I would suggest a good 1/2 day pre-school program to get him ready for next year. Finally, you may want to consider a reward system for good behavior, such as a sticker chart. Taking away a birthday party is an extreme punishment and may set you up for further bad behavior on his part. Take each behavior situation one at a time and deal with it on the spot. Consistency is key.
Good Luck!
T.

Our older son was a late talker and acted out a lot with other children. I would suggest eliciting some dialogue from your son to see WHY he's doing these things. He's not pouring juice on a girl's hair for no reason. If he's angry, help him express that anger in constructive ways (hitting pillows is a good one). What we found with our son is his acting out was tied to unexpressed emotions, and even at 3-4-5, there are ways to assist the child in expressing it.

And I do think canceling his birthday party is harsh IF he wasn't warned. If you warned him ahead of time the party would be canceled if he acted out, then it's justified. But if you didn't warn him, then he's probably more confused and more angry and that just feeds the cycle.

Just my two cents. Hopefully you'll get some advice that helps.
Take care,
B.

i dont think the age they start has much of a difference, my son was mentally ready to go to kindergarten at 3 but his behavior was atrocious in school even at five and a half, which was when i put him in kindergarten. his teachers in preschool had to deal with him the same way his kindergarten teacher had to deal with him. what they did was they worked with us (parents)at a rewards system. the teacher would section off the days five or so ways, reading playtime library etc. and for every different section if he did well he got a sticker, if not a note was sent home on the daily sheet. the rule at home was if he got all his stickers one day he would get to pick a special coupon or a small prize (these could be little things like small toys or he would get to have a friend over or watch a movie or something) and if he got all his stickers for a whole week we would take him to the movie theater, and all stickers for a whole month would get him a trip to Boomers or Chuck E Cheeses. and when we actually started to deliver the prizes he got more and more encouraged to be good at school, we also had the teacher remind him to behave or no prizes if she saw him start to act up.
if he didnt get all his stickers we would decide whether or not what he did at school was worth a time out or just a lecture.

personally, as long as he was forewarned that his party would be canceled if his behavior did not change then you arent being too harsh. but something like that should not come out of the blue, for sure.