My 4 Year Old Has Suddenly Started Acting Neurotic About Food

1. Stop being a short order cook. Make one meal and offer it to her. Do not fight with her about it. No bribes, no punishments. Just "okay, but if you don't eat this, there's nothing else tonight." This isn't a big deal. The less importance you give it, the less she'll give it. She'll join in on eating regularly again once you deal with item #2.

2. Spend some one-on-one time with her. 20 minutes uninterrupted every day. It doesn't seem like much, but it is so amazing how much it helps. Don't try to make it anything special, just join her in whatever she's doing. Be there with her, accepting of whatever she's enjoying. If she talks, let her talk and try not to guide or interrupt the conversation. Show her that you love being with her exactly as she is. I promise it will make a tremendous difference.

the first thing to do, of course, is to have her pediatrician check her out and make sure there's nothing physical going on.
next, please STOP 'bribing her, threatening her with punishments like taking away toys.' you are setting up food battles that could indeed result in lifelong eating issues. decline this battle altogether.
how long have you ever let it go on? very, very few children will actually starve themselves. i know i'm coming at it from a place of ignorance as i've never had a kid who was this OCD about food, but i can't imagine that i'd become a short-order cook this degree under any circumstances. reject the toast because it's not perfect? i'd pop it in my own chops and carry on.
if this were my little girl i'd provide her with reasonable choices and leave her to it. i would not insist, nor get frustrated, nor push her to tears. nor would i jump through hoops to find something she'd accept. i'd offer her regular meals with the family, a choice of healthy alternatives that were no work for me (cut up apples, string cheese etc) and let her work it out for herself.
khairete
S.

If your daughter has OCD or any other kind of anxiety over food then all the bribing, rewarding, yelling, punishing, starving, whatever WON'T work.
My daughter went through a major issue with food about three years ago, when she was 12. At first I was worried she was OCD or maybe had an eating disorder. She was at a point where she would only eat tiny bits of bagels and take tiny sips of water. She was depressed all the time and losing weight, it was awful!!!
After getting her into therapy we realized she had MAJOR anxiety about getting sick. So food had become "dangerous" to her. She was afraid anything she put in her mouth might be contaminated, or it might have come into contact with something contaminated. That explained her constant hand washing and aversion to anyone who was sick as well.
I'm telling you all this because a lot of people will say this is no big deal, that you are spoiling her or catering to her or whatever, but she may also have a serious problem that needs professional attention, so PLEASE talk to your pediatrician about this and get her some help if she needs it.

Ask your pediatrician to be sure, and then let her eat what she eats. Provide options. Back off. If you make a thing out of it, it will become a "thing". Don't let it become a battle of wills.

Lots of moms come on here and talk about the year their kid only liked to eat 3 things. Kids do this.

Make time for her even though you have a baby. Apologize about getting upset with her - tell her you just want her to be healthy and that you love her.

If she tells you why she doesn't want to eat something, listen. Let her take small bites. Heck, maybe she was told to chew her food into small pieces, so this is how she's doing it.

I have one very picky eater and I used to worry a lot like you are doing. Here is what I have learned. You have to make it a non-issue. Do not bribe, get upset, plead, threaten, hand feed, make them sit at the table till they eat, or ANYTHING. Act like there is no problem and just serve a plate of what everyone is eating. Ok, I do make it easier for my picky eater by giving small portions, and always making sure there is one thing he likes being served. Just put out the plate of food. If your child eats no food, you can say, ok, there will be some fruit/veggies as a snack at x time, but the next meal is not until dinner (or whatever). Stick with it. Don't give in. Don't worry if you child is starving, crying, or having a tantrum. Each meal time serve them their dinner along with everyone else. Believe me...eventually they will eat something. I make very kid friendly dinners...often a meat, a starch, a roll, salad and a veggie. We might have roast chicken with rice and brocolli. We might have tacos and corn. We might have steak and baked potatoes and salad. We might have pork chops with mashed potatoes. My picky eater always finds something he can eat. Tell your daughter, I'm sorry, the store does not have that this week when she asks for her favorite food. Here is dinner. Then just try to have pleasant conversation. Give it a couple weeks....if no one is giving in and letting your child have snacks this will really help.

welcome to mamampedia!!

Who is talking to your daughter? What shows is she watching?

Threatening a child with punishment and not carrying it out? Well. that won't get you far. And to top it off? She is already having problems with food - and now you want to punish her for not eating?? You are giving her mixed signals.

You are right - this IS a battle. And she's winning. She's using this to get attention from you - her life has been upended with the birth of a sibling...she KNOWS how to push your buttons. She's doing it. AND WINNING...

Stop making a fuss over it. Seriously. Don't fix her special meals. She eats what everyone else is eating. Period. End of Story. She will NOT let herself starve.

Take her to the pediatrician. Get her evaluated by a therapist. Otherwise, if nothing is wrong with her? She is doing this to get your attention and she has it...it's a power play. Again, I state, she is winning....as hard as it would be? I would put a stop to it today. Lunch time? Fix what you are fixing for everyone else...if she chooses to eat it? Fine. She chooses to eat it. She starts to pitch a fit? Your response "Sally, I'm sorry you feel that way. This is the meal for lunch. You have a choice....eat or don't. No special meals."

Oh yes..this will piss her off. She might scream. She might pout. She might cry. Don't fall for it. Stay straight. Stay strong. You MUST ensure that Daddy is on the same page. He cannot go behind your back and fix her something to eat.

Also - I would ask her to help you plan the meals for the week. Sit down with her today after lunch and ask her for her help in planning meals. Give her a voice to what the family eats. Make compromises on chicken soup and pepperoni (you can put pepperoni in a salad)...

The ONLY WAY to fix it to stop allowing her to be selective. If she doesn't have food allergies? She doesn't get special meals. Stop making food a battle. She's upset that she now has a sibling and has to share you. She is doing things to capture your attention....and focus solely on her...it's working...

Good luck!

Try taking her to the buffet and letting her choose her own meal. My boys found a new food they liked each time we went to the buffet. They loved having all those choices available to them and the power to choose for themselves. Stop making it a battle and ignore some of her picky behaviours. She may like all that extra attention.

First of all, punishing a refusal to eat with taking away toys doesn't make sense. Purposely breaking toys or leaving them out in the rain equals taking away toys.

As far as eating goes, a child will sense that there is tension, worry, and fear, and of course they will observe the less subtle signs like arguing, bribing, frustration, impatience. And all these reactions build within the child and either feed the fear or else they fuel the desire to be the center of attention, even if the attention is negative and angry or upset.

You and any other adult in the home will have to decide together that you will not fuel the behaviors you want to decrease, and instead feed the behaviors that you want to increase. Do not respond/notice/react to/blink at a refusal to eat or the tears. Instead, even if she will sit for a minute and tell you about her day or about something she saw on tv, or if she puts one piece of egg in her mouth, or if she she just listens while you talk, then include her and make eye contact and talk to her. Serve her matter-of-factly, on a tiny dish, and keep meals and snacks on a good schedule. Don't keep trying to ply her with snacks. Simply have a little plate of baby carrots or unsweetened applesauce available for snack time. Then meal time is the same for everyone: one dinner served together.

Having a healthy relationship with food starts early, and in part, it involves knowing that the adults aren't going to get upset, and that punishments will not be given. A healthy relationship with food involves seeing food as fuel and a source of energy, and the meal time around the table as a time of companionship and togetherness. Try to instill that (and let her see you cook and help as much as she is able/willing).

Of course, this is assuming she has not had any food trauma (choking, for example), or a food surprise (biting into a piece of unsweetened baking chocolate thinking it was sweet chocolate), and that she isn't acting this way with her clothing, toys, hair, etc. If she's becoming too controlling over what she wears or how she plays, then it might be a sensory issue. But if this type of behavior happens only with food, then it's less likely to be a complete sensory issue.

First, take her to a doctor and make sure there isn't anything wrong with her. If there is, follow the doc's advice. If not, and I"m guessing there is not, then stop letting her control this. Did her new behavior coincide with your new baby? She is most likely looking for the attention she lost when you had to start splitting your time between her and a sibling. Feed her things you know she has eaten in the past, even if she has taken to not eating them now. Make it clear that that is what she is getting and if she doesn't eat it, then she doesn't eat at all. If she refuses to eat it, save it and offer it to her when she is ready to eat again. Stop bribing, threatening, or in any other way negotiating. This is a control issue and unless there is an underlying health issue, which is why she a doctor, she will not starve herself. If you take away the attention she gets from her behavior , the behavior will stop. Do try and make a point to give her positive, one on one time in other areas, because she does need your attention, you just need to be the one to control the environment in which she gets it.

You're right - it's a battle of wills, and you're losing. Don't insist, don't bribe, don't punish, don't cajole, don't threaten. Don't engage at all. This may well be a bid for attention, and she's getting plenty of it. Think of the parents with 7 kids - they are not short-order cooks. The put the food out, and that's what there is. Anyone who wants to have a tantrum is free to have it in the safety and comfort of his or her own room.

If she's not hungry, she doesn't have to eat. Excuse her from the table and put the food away. She will not starve. Disengage from the demands and the crying fits.

You might try a divided dish with sections - I've seen some people use an ice tray with compartments. Put an assortment of foods in each one - some yogurt, some hardboiled egg, some sliced grapes and apples, some pasta or rice, some cooked shredded chicken, French toast cubes, whatever you have. If you are making something for the rest of the family, use those ingredients separately for her. You can make it fun with her own utensils or some fancy toothpicks if she can use those without poking herself.

Some kids have texture issues vs. taste issues. But a divided plate will help her make choices. If you are giving her the same foods you have available for snacks, you aren't really catering to her in terms of preparation or selection, just presentation.

Don't push the gummy vitamins - they have very little nutrition in them and are poorly dissolved and absorbed. If you feel she needs a supplement, then you should look for a powder form that you mix in liquid and that has at least 60 ingredients (nutrients, not chemicals) including protein, many more vitamins and minerals than those gummies, DHA for brain development, and that is formulated by a pediatric food scientist. I can recommend one if you want to go that route. It's a complete food and will make up the gaps in her diet (which every kid has, every adult too), and then the rest of what she eats is "extra". That will give you some reassurance while you work on the attitude and a calmer environment.

Barring any major medical issue, she's not going to starve. She will eat when she is hungry and when she stops getting a payoff for this behavior. You cannot make her eat. But do not reward her by letting her eat, say, fast food just because "it's something".

I had a very picky eater. I disguised a lot of food and have great recipes for things you can do if you want to. But the main thing is to take all the fussing out of the environment.

Welcome to 4. :-)

My first two kids ate everything until 4. Then, they decided they'd only eat a few select favorites. It's about control,and independence. 4s want a say in everything they do, and food is an area they can totally control. Now at 6 my oldest has started eating everything again.

I wish I had some real advice, but I think it's the age. You will make it worse if you create a power struggle around it. Just let her eat what she wants, and say nothing about it.

At 4, she's unlikely to be showing signs of a real disorder regarding food. If it were me, I would worry if she has been exhibiting other troubling behavior changes in addition to picky eating, otherwise, I would make sure she is still gaining height and weight and not regard the behavior through the lens of an adult eating or mental disorder.

I would try to lessen the stress on both of you by sitting down with her and making a list of snacks that are pre-prepared that she will eat. Does she like seeds? Nuts? Dried fruits? Crackers or chips with peanut butter or hummus? Cheese cubes or string cheese? Granola? Yogurt? Ham or turkey cubes? Milk boxes? Don't get frustrated, just try to figure out what she likes right now. Then designate one shelf in a pantry area and one shelf in the refrigerator as her snack shelf. Try to keep it stocked with healthy pre-prepared foods portioned out into individual servings, and water bottles/milk boxes/etc. Then let her pick her food and drink as often as possible.

It's less stress for you because you know you are offering her wholesome food that she has said she likes whether she partakes or not. For her, she will hopefully feel more control over her food choices and that might help her pickiness too.

Good luck!

ETA: One last note: I would forgo any punishments, bribes, coercion, encouragement or any concern at all over her eating behavior. Kids pick up on their adults' behaviors and internalize them in crazy ways. If you are this stressed out about her eating and she has picked up on it, it's likely a major source of stress and worry for her as well.