My 3 Yr Old Daughter

3 weeks is a long time for a little one to be out of their routine and in the care of someone other than their parents... 3 weeks is a long time to be in the hospital! I am guessing that this time apart scared your daughter - especially if she visited you in the hospital... those can be scary events for a child and change who they are! NO telling what your daughter "overheard" about your illness or what she imagined - children have a way of making things their fault, so she may be thinking that you went away because of her! You are going through a lot but your daughter is also going through it and doesn't understand it and has lost her feeling of security (the talking back and being bossy may be her way of trying to get some control or stability back)... be patient with her and spend extra time focusing on her and her needs - not what she is saying but what she isn't saying and how she is feeling.

Healing blessings for you both.
stacy

Hi L., This will pass as time progresses. I think your daughter is mad at you. She is mad that you left her. Her world was turned upside down and now she wants you to feel her pain. She doesn’t fully understand why you had to go away. I have four grown daughters now but when they were small I had two surgeries. So I have dealt with this problem before – twice with three of them. My 3rd child (who was 15 months old at the time) would bite me because she couldn’t express her rage. When you can – during one of her more rational loving moments – hold her on your lap. Tell her you missed her. Tell her you love her and how mad you were that you had to leave her. Tell her that you are proud that she was such a good girl for grandma and how brave she was while mommy was away. You have to reestablish the bond. Don’t say anything negative about the person who took care of her – just say that you’re a happy to be at home with her again. Spend some of your recovery time reading to her and talking to her. Get books out of the library about separation anxiety and rage. There may even be a book on mommy gong to the hospital (ask the Liberian). Ask her to tell you how she felt when you had to go away. She may say some shocking thing to hurt you but let her get it out. Have your husband dig a hole in the yard so you and your daughter can plant something together and watch it grow. Get back the positive bond. Spring is a time of new beginnings - she will be your little girl again soon. You have a very smart little girl who is acting out because she can't express her rage. Confront it and redirect that energy to something positive. Three passes quickly – help her through this trying time. Good luck and God bless you and your entire family with a speedy recovery. L. PS: I didn't realize you have a new baby who is struggling for health. You need to ask your daughter to be your right hand girl. My oldest daughter always felt replaced by each new baby. When she was four I enlisted her help and she has become the most amazing in-charge woman I have ever known. We have a very strong bond because we were a team. My daughter was terrific at running for a diaper, a bottle, or playing with one of the middle children. One thing that I did with each of my four children was a “Mommy Day Out” birthday meal. I would get someone to take care of the other children and I would take the Birthday child out for lunch. I did this around their birthday not on their birthday - this was a reaffirmation of my love for them and gave them some one on one time with Mommy. I actually enjoyed these lunches and we would shop for the birthday party supplies. We still had the big family celebrations for each child until they were older.

I agree with Kristi M. I am the one that normally takes care of my grandson when his parents are at work. However, when he was about 13 months old I went out of town for a week. The person who watched while I was gone has a child a few years older than him that is demanding and throws temper tantrums if he doesn't get his way. Although my grandson couldn't talk, he behaved in the same way after spending that little amount of time with them. When he would misbehave, I would nicely and calmly explain that it's not nice to act like that or tell him that he acts up it hurts M.'s feelings. It took some time but he corrected his behavior and started acting like himself again. Just remember to PRAISE her for her good behavior and gently explain what she is doing wrong and tell her how to "fix" it. Instead of saying _______, it would be nicer to say_______. It makes mommy happy when you ______. I really believe that children want to please their parents. We just need to make sure they know what we expect of them. Good luck!

My daughter is 5. When she was about to be 3 years and i started to disipline her she would talk back, try to spit in my face, throw whatever toys that was near her. She'd Throw her self on the floor or try to hurt her self by hitting her arm against the wall or some kind of object. It was not only fustrating, difficult and tiring. I my self wanted to beat myself! It was that bad.The answer is being very consistant with discipline. I used a wooden spoon as a paddle, three at a time. Not three and three more right after that. Only because we are women and we tend to go my our emotions. And when we are dealing with all off the above we can do it out of fustation and then out of anger. It helps alot if dads around. But in some cases like myself a single parent, had to learn to control my anger, Which is the 1st step. Alot of praying also has helped me. The bible teaches us alot on how to raise and discipline our children.
Being consistant in discipline will eventually let the child know there are boundaries and consequences.
Every child has foolishness in their heart. We as parents gots to get those foolishness out of them before it gets worse.

You've got to make them stands with your parents. Its hard I know. My mom gives cookies behind my back to my kids. Influences will do a change in a child. Kids sponge up everything they see and hear. Wether its TV, us, kids they see, family and friends.

Ask God to give you Wisdom, Discernment Understanding and clarity for your kids. I have been praying that my kids would have convictions right now. Its never tooo late to start praying for your kids.
Read the book
Dare to Discipline.

L.,
Adding this post to your other one, I can see how stressed out you have to be with the baby in the NICU and 2 little ones at home. Being out of control is normal at 4 and I imagine your daughter is also very stressed- as are you. Can you get Grandma to come over and help out while you reconnect with her? I would ignore the bad behavior as much as possible and praise the good behavior. Right now she is suffering from the separation (like the baby who only cries when his mother returns and he remembers that she was gone), feeling displaced by the new baby, and picking up on your stress as well. You might look for chances to let her express that. Tell her how much you missed her while she was at Grandma's and how happy you are to be together. Look for ways to talk about, "some little girls think that when a new baby comes that their mommy likes the new baby more......I wonder what you are thinking?". Believe me, the jealousy is there. give her the chance to express it. THEN...be sure to tell her how much you love and need her because she is so special. She can talk and you love to hear what she is thinking. How much you appreciate her helping you by staying with Grandma because you had to be at the hospital as the baby is sick. "Premature" doesn't cut it with 4 yr olds, "sick" does.
I would avoid punishment as much as possible right now. This phase will pass as she finds her new place as big sister of 3. You might look for some books on this at the library to help her to express herself.
Good luck.

I'm sorry. I have a 4 yr old with a grandmother that is the same way. I totally understand. It just takes some getting back to real life and reminding her that this is NOT Oma's house and we have rules. (I try to respect my mother's choice to do what she wants with her within reason. She is Oma and not mom, but My mother doesn't remember what discipline is. Lord knows she was great at it when I was young though! LOL I like that they have that close, friend relationship and hope that Oma will be the one that she confides in when she can't talk to me later on. Oma is her safe place.)
I just try to get things back like they were before and accept that it takes at least the same amount of time to "reprogram" as the visit.
She needs your support and her safe, comfortable boundries and she will be herself again in no toime.
I wish you the best of luck, and congrats on the new arrival. I hope all is well on that front for you now.

It's probably time for extra love and assurance after being away from you for so long... cuddling up to read books together, going for walks/bike rides, playing counting/matching games, a good strong bedtime routine, etc. Anything that gives you good nurturing time together.

Also, you want to end this behavior as quickly as possible! You can't have her relating to you and others this way. In simple words, and in a gentle and firm, not angry voice, say (when she talks back) "talking mean hurts mommy (or hurts people). Let's talk nice." And when you ask her to do something, just remind her (again, gently but very firmly) that her only answer is "yes ma'am" or "yes, Mommy".

You and your husband will have to go the extra mile in "talking nice" to each other in her presence. If she is talking back mainly to you, he will need to jump in with the message of not speaking to you that way.

Most adults will know what you mean when you say "talk back", but the message of "don't talk back" is meaningless to a three year old. She'll need to know what she is supposed to say or do, which is why I suggest very simple instruction such as "Talking mean hurts. Let's talk nice."

Try 'Love and Logic' or 'Have a new Kid by Friday' by Leman. They are both great! Good luck!