My 3 Years Old Daughter Totally Refuses to Obbey Me

Moms are heroes in my book. Who else is capable of this kind of consideration? Remember, this too shall pass...
You are truly amazing!
N

I agree with many of the responses you already got but let me add just one more thought. Some children this age have a difficult time with transition times. It may be helpful to give her a little notice from the teachers (if your pickuptime is consistent). "In a few minutes, your mommy will be here." She doesn't have to "know" what a few minutes is, the point is that she can start to "prepare" herself that you will soom be there. You can also do this when you arrive if your pickup time isn't the same every day or the staff didn't "warn" her to your arrival. Let her play for a few minutes and show you what she has been doing. "You can show me for 2 minutes what you were playing with and then we have to go" That way it is not "Pickup and run" which some children have ahard time dealing with.

SOMETIMES this helps! Good Luck!
H.

R.:
Good for you for reaching out for help...I can see you are a great parent who has been trying her best and just needs a few more ideas..:) The following is not intended for you:
To the people who advocate spanking:
Spanking is a form of LAZY parenting. IF IT REALLY WORKED, YOU'D ONLY HAVE TO DO IT ONCE!!!!
There are many better, more intellectual, EVOLVED ways to discipline a child.
I suggest that EVERYONE should go out and buy, "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" by Eileen Faber (sp). It is by far the BEST book on parenting methods that I have ever read. I feel so strongly about this book that if you need a copy (and don't have the means to) I would be more than happy to buy it for you...:)
Good luck!

My mom tells me that I used to cry hysterically when she would pick me up from nursery school. (she was so embarrased). She says she used to tell me that I would be back tomorrow & would see everyone again, but now it is time to go home. She would also tell me that everyone else would be leaving soon too & there would be no one to play with. She probably had to carry me out crying a few times, but I learned pretty quickly that I got to go back.
On the bright side, I grew up to LOVE school & do very well in it. Maybe your daughter will too.

Hi R.,

My advice is to start giving her two choices when you want her cooperation. For example, when you need her to get in the car after daycare, say to her, "Daughter(obviously use her name), you may either walk to the car and get in yourself or you can have Mommy carry you to the car. Which would you like to do?" If she refuses to do it herself, then immediately and silently pick her up and carry her to the car. You need to be consistent and don't argue or plead with her. This way she is making the choice. She will learn pretty quickly as long as you are consistent. Good luck!
M.

Hi, R.!

I agree with all of the responses. The key is to find which technique works best for you. It would also be beneficial to utilize the same discipline techniques as the daycare does.. For example, if daycare disciplines by using time out then you should do the same exact thing. YOu need to be consistent and everything will work out. Remember that you are the authoritarian and NOT your daughter. But, never scream when disciplining...this only hinders the progress.

Good luck!

E.

This is probably not what you want to hear, you have to ride it out.
My daughters behavior was exactly as you described. She was so horrible I dreaded the grocery store.
I suspect you have a husband like mine who works long hours and then comes home to a little girl that just loves Daddy and is an angel.
I thought I was going to go insane. Then she turned 4 and it was like a flip switched. She is a totally different child now and I love spending time with her and taking her places.
My Grandmother used to say she never understood why they called it the "terrible twos." In reality it should be called the "terrifying two years of two-three."

Hi R.,

I feel your pain! My son also just turned 3 and is very defiant. He was such a good 0,1 and 2 year old and now he like a different child. I find that giving him choices and counting work. I give him a choice - you can come with me or I can carry you or you can have a hamburger or chicken. The choice is always between two things that we can do. That way it is his choice to do something. Then if he doesn't make a choice, I count. So I tell him, "I want you to put your shoes on. I am going to count to three and if you don't start to put your shoes on, then I am going to put them on for you" He usually starts doing whatever it is by the time I get to three. The key to making this work is to follow through with whatever the consequences are. If the consenquence is, put your shoes on or I will take away your thomas train, then take away the train when he doesn't listen. It is difficult, but they best thing you can do is remain calm. I also find it works when I tell him that he is making me sad. He hates it when I am sad.

Good luck!
J.

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R.,
I know how you feel i think we have all been there at some point what i have learned with my boys are to be consistent if you are not consistent they will not obey because the think they will at some point be able to get away with it. I still struggle with it but really the key is CONSISTENCY.
You really have to find what will work best with her, my 5 year old is soooooo stubborn it seemed like nothing worked i did time-outs and etc..finally i had to start taking his favorites away i would put them in a basket and he had to earn them back.
If you are interested in the 1-2-3 magic book like another mom suggested let me know and i can ship mine to you.

Stay positive.

Jenn

I really have no advise because I am going through the same thing. My 4 and 3 year old daughters dont listen. They throw tantrums and whine and cry. So my point is you are not alone. Just because those other kids are leaving and behaving now doesnt mean they will be behaving later. Good luck and dont be to hard on yourself!

the No word, just be firm, stop making deals. Tell her at home this is how it will be period. If she behaves then x else you will right away pick her up and take her out.

Trust me other kids do it at times also, don't worry about the embarrassement, sometimes that makes it seem worse.

Hi R., It sounds like you have your hands full! Get back to the basic's with her. Be firm and don't bribe her! She needs you to be firm and give her boundires. Sure, she's gonna push...kids do that daily. It's all about what you will accept and what you won't. Go into daycare meaning business and don't play her game. Gather her things, hand them to her, grab her hand and leave. No talking, pleading, bribing. If she's good about it and you want to take her to the park go for it! And tell her when you're there that she is at the park having fun because she followed the rules.

If you can aviod taking her out to run errands, don't take her until she can behave herself. If she starts to hassel you, leave. Just walk out of whereever you are with nothing. IF she likes to go out I guarentee that it will only take a couple of times for her to understand that you are serious and mean business and her behavior will improve dramaticly when you are out. We did this once with our two older girls (they were 2 & 4 then) at the mall and it worked like a charm!

Tell her the rules (keep them simple, short and sweet) daily until she follows them daily...and then do it again! If you stay strong, never make a threat you can't or won't follow through with, and hang in there it will all work out! Good luck and best wishes.

Hi R. - My daughter will be 4 this month and she has developed quite the attitude. I was able to identify some triggers (i.e. new baby in our home, but more importantly, school ended and she doesn't have the same teacher). I have found that giving her two choices works sometimes, counting works sometimes, and taking things away sometimes works...but I'm at the point now I just want her to behave!! I'm hoping once school starts again in the fall and she is getting more structure in that setting, then she'll be back on track. I'm hoping that this is a phase that we'll all survive without too many scars. Good luck! Hang in there! Remember, don't argue with a 3 year old and stay as calm as possible.

My son will be 3 in September and I am going through the same exact thing. Thank you for posting this because I was going to. You just don't know... I do understand your pain. My son does not listen to me 95% of the time. He has is own agenda always. I was taught the 1, 2, 3 technique and it has been working. Children want to control you and if they see the frustration then they know they got us in the palm of their hands. As many mothers said, be firm, consistent, and try not to show your frustration. When we are out, I've learned to let my son have his tantrum. I typically look the other direction; and when his crying simmers down I ask him if he's done. It seems to work most of the time. I think I am going to start putting him in the car for time out too. I would suggest trying the 1, 2, 3 technique.

Wow, I had these same issues with both of my boys. I recommend highly the 1-2-3 Magic book for getting your control back. It really shapes up the behavior issues.

I also had the problem with leaving day care. My son went two days a week and he LOVED it and didn't want to leave. It may sound a little mean, but I was picking him up early and I started picking him up later. He was embarrassing me with tantrums that he didn't want to go with me and I thought, what are these teachers thinking? Why wouldn't he want to go home!?! He just wasn't ready YET. So, that worked for me. He was happy to see me when he was "finished" playing.

Another thing to try is simply greet her as usual and tell her it is time to go. If she resists, just begin walking out of the classroom/hallway and acting as if you are leaving. I highly doubt she will let you go. Try not to bargain with her, she is gaining control this way and knows it. You may actually have to leave to show her you are serious.

If all else fails, enlist the help of your husband who doesn't have your back injury and can calmly carry her out of there until this phase passes. Good luck to you!

Relax...every kid goes through this. It is called the "terrible two" only now it is happening at age 3. My oldest (8) did it, my middle child (3)is now going through it now and I still have one more (17 months) to go through it. I used the counting to 3 trick. I would start to count and if my kids didn't start doing what they were supposed to be doing, no matter what it is, by the time I got to 3, they would get punished. The punishment with my oldest was taking her favorite toy for a day. With my son, it is a swat on the butt. Once they got used to the idea that the counting is a bad thing, all I had to do is start counting and then they would start moving. My son likes to cry every time he doesn't get what he wants or he is told no. With him, I have found that the fastest way to get him to stop the tantrum is to tell him to go to his room. If we are in public, I will tell him that he will go to his room when we get home. It works every time. You need to find something that will work for you and you daughter.

Rest assured that the teachers at the daycare center understand this age and know that it is perfectly normal. This is the age when toddlers are testing their limits. It is not something that is going to magically stop. I will take a lot of patience on your part but it will be worth it when she does finally stop, which unfortunately probably won't be until she is around four years old. But, if you establish a routine of consequences for these actions and follow through with them. It won't be as bad as what you are going through now.

I agree with Faye H. You have to be consistent and you have to figure out a plan that is workable for both of you. I think this needs to be initiated in a lot of areas. When you ask her to do somethinga nd she says no then there is an immediate consequence for the behavior. If you say time to pick up toys and she refuses then you pick up the toys and the toys are put up where she can see them but cannot play with them for a day. You will have to remind her why. The consequence has to be something she understands and pretty immediate. Start a routine of something she likes on the way home from daycare. A favorite CD or a book or a game you can play together in the car. Keep something very special to her in the car for use only when you pick her up from daycare. If she does not comply the special thing is withheld. (whether its the game or the cd etc). Maybe get her a special stuffed animal or toy she really wants for the car ride home. When you take her to daycare have the "toy" fuss over her and say I can't wait till we pick you up. If she is noncompliant when you pick her up have the "toy" be sad and sit with you. I think the main 3 things to always remember is YOU are the parent and therefore in charge, be CONSISTENT and be LOVING!

You should ask the teachers for advice. They have probably seen it a thousand times. I think the most important thing is consistency like the other mother said. Whatever you decide to do with discipline consistency is the most important thing. Going to his room never really worked with my son, putting him in a timeout in a chair (where he had to be silent) worked better. You have to find what will work for you and your daughter. I agree with the other mother though that you should just tell her it's time to go, no compromising. Give her the choice to walk out or be carried. After a few days she'll get the picture. If you can't physically carry her then bring a stroller or something to strap her into.

I have a similar problem with my son in elementary school. He plays on the playground after school and there have been times when I had to carry him out kicking and screaming. After that, he doesn't get to stay and play for about a week or so. It usually doesn't happen again for a very long time.

I can't believe that the day care is not assisting you. My son went to day care from ages 1 to 2. Towards the end, he stopped wanting to come home, so the ladies would help by giving him his paper (told me what he ate, diagper changes), coat, pictures. They would say, we'll see you tomorrow. Helped him put his toys away.
You could always just pick her up and leave. I've done that too.

Good luck.

Hi R.,
I have not read any other responses so I hope I am not repeating what others have said. I am a Mom of 3 (all teen age or older) and I am a child care provider. Do not worry about what the teachers think, most know child development and know it's just their age. Some children are louder then others. What really helped me was to give choices, but ones that I would accept. For instance when it is time to go, simple state, "It is time to go now, do you want to walk yourself, or do you want me to carry you?" At this age they will cooperate more if you give them choices (no more then 2 or 3) and tell them what to do instead of what not to do. When I want them to wash their hands and they do not want to, I ask which soap they want to use. I always have 2 out. That way they do what I want, but they feel somewhat in control. A very good book is "Positive Disipline" They have a several that deal with different ages. Another great referance is Dr. Brazelton's "Touch points".
Good Luck
C.

One thing I would recommend is the 1-2-3 Magic book. It has really helped my with my son who recently turned 4. I allowed too much "wiggle room" when couting to 3 and so it wasn't an effective technique for me. After reading the book and seeing how I was "sabotaging" my own efforts to gain control, I did much better.

Also, I found giving my children a countdown helps them to know what is coming. I'll say, "You can play for 10 more minutes then we will go for nap." I'll repeat this at 5 minutes remaining and 2 minutes remaining.

When you find a technique that works for you, be sure to stick with it everyday and give praise when you daughter cooperates.

You have so many issues going on here no wonder you are at the end of your rope. First of all, the teachers in your child's class need to help you. They could give your daughter warnings that it is almost time for mommy to pick up. They could have her get her things and make a game out of looking for you or getting ready by the time you come to get her. As for her behavior it is time for something new. When the things that we re doing are not working it is time for a change. It takes 2 to fight and if you are not fighting your daughter cant either. When she starts a tantrum let her have it and when she is done acknowledge that she was angry but that is not the way to ask for things or express our feelings. Tell her that she can be disappointed but she may not yell and scream. she may find a quite place or color an angry picture. As for her "NOs". Turn them into yes situations. Give her choices. "I know you are playing but I really need to go to the store. Which doll do you want to bring with you? You want the 2. OK. Thank you for coming with me today" It wont be that easy in the beginning but that is the idea. This is very simplified but they are just some quick ideas.If you would like to talk more feel free to contact me.

B. Davis

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