My 18 Year Old Daughter Refuses to Apply for SSI

I think it is admirable that she is choosing to be independent instead of trying to live off the government and my money.

Why are you pushing SSI so hard? If someone truly needs it, I am all for it but if someone is willing to work, able to work and make something of themselves, you should foster that and help her.

You do not have to have big internships for jobs at places such as Target, other retail, some office.

Stop making excuses and be supportive of her trying to be independent.

I think you should tell her she is an adult and that since she doesn't want to apply for SSI, she needs to get a job. A person don't need a 2 year internship to work at Target/WalMart or a fast food restaurant or a store in the mall. If she can organize and sell items in the library store as a volunteer, surely she can do the same, for pay, in a store. If she likes the library atmosphere and they like her, maybe she can even apply for a job there behind the counter, shelving books, etc.

I applaud her for wanting to be independent instead of relying on SSI. Instead of telling her she can't get a job - which, from your description, sounds like it's not true - try encouraging her to make her own money.

Your daughter doesn't sound disabled to me. Stop convincing her she is. You are destroying her self esteem.

And getting SSI is becoming harder and harder. The government is supporting so many people already. They have to start drawing the line somewhere. Stop trying to get the government to support your daughter. Let her work. My hard earned tax dollars don't need to support your 'disorganized' daughter.

Are you really in Brooklyn? There's no reason she can't get a minimum wage job, at a restaurant, store, hotel, etc. I don't see why you're not encouraging that instead. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area which is very similar to NY in terms of the economy and all three of my kids found jobs pretty easily during high school and college, including both of my daughters with learning issues. They worked at summer camps, a movie theater, Jamba Juice, a pizza place, a sushi place, a clothing shop and did a few nanny jobs as well.
I don't know if you should kick her out or not. I'd certainly be disappointed if my daughter had no goals and was happy to live off of her boyfriend but how is living off the government any better? Plus it's not even enough money to actually LIVE on, so what's the difference?

I think you have the best of intentions because you are worried about your daughter long term. However I think you need to back off the SSI stuff for right now and work with your daughter and her therapist to figure out how she can support herself as an adult.

Can she take a class or two at a time at the local community college to work toward a degree in something? If she is currently volunteering consistantly then maybe she can get a part time job that will give her money and a sense of accomplishment.

The part that really stands out from your post is that you were a teen a long time ago and because of that you don't know how to talk to her in a way that will reach her. I don't think that's it at all. I think you want what you want and in your mind she's defying you by not complying. She's not a child (although her behavior might seem childish to you) so you need to start treating her as an adult reminding her that with adult benefits come adult responsibilities.

You don't want her to depend on a man...yet you are perfectly fine with her depending on the government?
Mom.
You don't KNOW that she can't get a job. You just THINK she can't. How about...instead of pushing her to do something she doesn't want to (apply for SSI) you help her apply for a job? I don't know the nature of her disability, but it sounds like she is perfectly capable of volunteering for 8 months so she is perfectly capable of having at least a part time job.
Quit making her feel disabled. Help her to feel able!

She's an adult.
Unless you have her declared incompetent and you are her guardian - the time for making these decisions for her are over.
It might be that she applies and gets rejected.
If the boyfriend wants to take care of her - he should put a ring on it and make it official.

V.,

Welcome to mamapedia.

If you felt your daughter was going to be incapable of holding a job and taking care of herself before she turned 18, why didn't you take steps to ensure you would have control once she turned into a legal adult?

Being disorganized does NOT mean she's incapable of having and keeping one. She's been doing volunteer work. Is it possible that you have coddled her her whole life and enabled her that she feels she doesn't HAVE to do any of this?

Right now she is living with you. You keep pushing her to get SSI instead of a job. WHY can't she get a job? Why hasn't her position at the library panned out for her to a PT or FT position?

She's got a boyfriend. He's enabling her as well. So she doesn't have to do anything, really.

She's legally an adult. If you feel she is unable to care for herself, get a guardian ad litem and get her declared legally incompetent. She will be with you until you die. You will need to make plans for her that way as well.

Good luck! I don't envy you your position.

It's really hard when our kids turn 18 and all of a sudden, they're responsible for their health, records, filings, etc. We moms have gone from organizing their records, managing their 504 plans and IEPs, to all of a sudden being told "I'm sorry, I'll need your child's permission to speak with you about that". It can be frustrating.

My daughter started her SSI application the week after she turned 18, and thankfully she was very willing. But she had to complete the forms and answer questions, not just me. Of course, i could assist with certain things but she had a large part in it.

It's also difficult for a teen or young adult to face the fact that they are, in fact, disabled. They may associate receiving SSI with certain negative stereotypes or cruel words ("welfare mom", etc) that aren't accurate.

But the truth is, you can't force her to apply since she's 18.

Oh, and if she should change her mind, I have a suggestion. Don't just submit her IEP and records. What will be the most helpful is a brief statement from a professional (doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc) regarding employment. The statement should avoid complicated diagnostic terms that we may understand but that an intake rep at Social Security may not be familiar with. So here's a sample:

"[Name of person applying] is unable to be consistently employed due to the nature of her diagnosed disability. [Name] is not able to follow directions or complete tasks, and would present a safety risk to other employees. He/she has panic attacks and takes medication that makes clear thinking more difficult."

In other words, state why the person shouldn't be working, not what diagnoses she has, or how her schooling was affected. My daughter's letter said that she was a fall risk, and that her medications cause unpredictable sleepiness and fatigue. The letter referenced her frequent medical appointments and sicknesses. Then the doctor stated that in his professional opinion, my daughter would not be able to seek employment or safely perform tasks. It avoided referencing things like Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia or Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which of course she has (among other things), but those are not very ordinary diagnoses and would just muddle up the application.

You have your solution.

She isn't so disabled that she can't make her own decisions.

Her decision is to do volunteer work.

Continuing to talk to her about this only reinforces the fact that you don't think she can work and hold a job. That must make her feel really bad. Why not let it go? Let the therapist and her decide to do it.

If she doesn't want to you can not make her. And no you don't have to have an internship to find a job. Let her try to apply for a job. No it's not going to be an office job or anything but she can work. Let her decide for herself if she can handle it. Obviously if she's not disabled enough for you to become her guardian she should be able to decide for herself. Don't try to tell her boyfriend what he can and can't do. That is a quick way to get her to decide to move in with him. Why do you not want him to help her but you want our tax dollars to help her.

You might want to keep in mind the expression 'Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.' That's what you are doing by telling her to apply for SSI, asking the school counselor to waylay her and tell her to apply for SSI, trying to make her boyfriend not give her money so she will apply for SSI...It is absolutely clear that at this time, your LEGALLY ADULT daughter is not going to apply for SSI. Can you see that these actions look extremely manipulative and just a bit crazy? Imagine if someone else was doing this to you about something, even something which might benefit you if it worked out. Wouldn't you run the other way? You also haven't said if you ever asked your daughter WHY she doesn't want to go on SSI, beyond the possibility of being turned down. That question seems like a really important one.

Anyway, it seems like the best thing to do at this point is to offer to help your daughter identify a job which uses the skills she has shown herself to have through the volunteer work. Big stores hire people with disabilities to stock the shelves, bag groceries, collect carts in the lot--I bet she could do those jobs. It does look like you are struggling with your daughter becoming a legal adult when she might not have the emotional and life skills yet--but none of us did. We developed them along the way. Practice having faith that she will too. Good luck!

I would be encouraging her to get some job training and get a job. Why are you encouraging her to be dependent on SSI?