My 14 Year Old Son Is Constantly Being Excluded from His Friend Group.

if he's 'insisting' it sounds as if you're pushing. i get it- it's very hard to perceive that our kids are dealing with social issues. but you don't really know what's going on here because he's telling you everything is fine.

maybe he's telling the truth.

or maybe you need to back off and use a lighter touch.

driving in the car can be such a great place to have deep conversations. something about the enforced lack of eye contact, perhaps. you might think about opening it up by sharing something about you, maybe from your teen years. this can encourage him to open up without him feeling as if you're trying to pry at him.

you can't fix his friend group. if they're constantly excluding him, and he's not doing anything to create animosity or distance between them, they're not really his friends. you can't shoehorn him back in, nor can you create a new group for him.

you can help him with some introspection, some decisions as to whether it's time to find new friends, or to work on himself, or to do some personal shielding, or to get involved in a new activity, or even, yes, to take some time away from seeking social contact and enjoy the benefits of solitude (but do watch out for depression.)

there's not really enough here to make any useful conclusions, but you won't find out what's going on by trying to pressure him into telling you.

teenagers can be a tough nut to crack. good luck.

khairete
S.

When my kids pulled away from certain friends at that age it was because those kids were participating in activities that my kids weren't ready for or interested in (partying, sex, general rule breaking.) Of course I didn't find this out until much later, as my kids didn't want to tell on their friends.
Give your son some space, and spend more time listening than talking. He will open up to you eventually.

In middle school groups of friends often change up - and it happens again in high school and college.
Friends will come and go no matter what he does.
Keep him busy with an after school activity so he can socialize with people outside of school.
Its ok if he's not going out a lot.
He'll figure it out on his own.
Be there to listen but don't push him.

At age 14 I grew apart from some friends. We just moved on from each other. I ended up making a few new friends the next year that I mostly hung out with. My old friends suddenly got boyfriends and got into drugs and smoking. Yes I was unhappy and missed them but I also didn't want to do what they were doing. It was awkward. Is your son a kid who wants your help and wants to talk about it? If my mom had tried to get involved or asked me all about it I would have been really embarrassed and it would have made me feel worse. I feel bad for your son as I'm sure you do. Hopefully he will make some better friends who he really clicks with. My friend's son just last year (age 15) had a bad year with having no friends and was feeling bad about himself. This year (age 16) he has joined track and got 1st place in the science fair and has made all these friends...he is in a totally different situation one year later and is really happy. I hope it all gets better for your son. It's hard to watch our kids struggle and be unhappy.

I'm not sure why they are considered "friends" if they exclude him. Sometimes social groups change, and some kids are a little slower than others to realize that what once was fun and rewarding no longer is.

So I'd consider a discussion of what it means to be a "friend" and what he values in friends. I think it's okay if he's shy or introverted, but not okay if he is reclusive, lonely and depressed. I'd suggest he get into an activity he enjoys, or try something he's always been curious about, where he will meet people who share that interest. Some kids just can't make the first move with new friends, but if they can establish some common ground, the conversations flow more easily.

If he resists everything and you sense a real depression or blow to his self esteem, I'd consider counseling or a teen life coach to help motivate him. A lack of motivation in all areas would be a red flag.

Is he being excluded or is it his preference?
These are different issues. 14 is a transition age for many kids. If he’s fine and communicating I’d let it go for a while to see if things change.

That's a tough age with friends, and some groups are kind of 'bitchy' I find (boys). One of my boys has a high drama group and it drives me nuts. I have learned to stay out of it.

My son has developed a new set of pals - within the larger school group - through a different sport/activity - and the has helped. They are less drama/exclusion, and quite frankly, seem like 'nicer' (i.e. kinder) kids. Less up/downs in the friend group from my perspective.

The friend groups change at this age, with maturity and what they are into. So don't be surprised if your son is going through a growth spurt that way and ends up with new friend(s) in the next year or so.

It's just hard to watch. Just be encouraging, supportive, don't ask too many questions, don't push too hard for info - because that can make them feel like they are doing something wrong, or make them feel you think they are the problem.

If they have some time at home, or aren't social - that's ok. Everyone goes through some downtime, and he may need that - sometime there's a lull before a very active, new social spurt. That's totally normal for some kiddos.

And if his friends are being non-inclusive and kind of jerks, then you wouldn't want him hanging around them anyhow right?

If he needs to develop some coping/friend/social skills - then he will - just listen - and see if you pick up on any needs he may have. LISTENING is the big thing. He only will talk though if you stop asking questions. This is key. Then you can offer suggestions very delicately - only if he comes to you. I slip them in without them really knowing ... when they mention things casually. I try to let them think they have come up with the idea :) Good luck. It will work out.