My 14 Y/O Is Pregnant - Follow Up

No advice, just a big thank you for the video. I needed a precious baby fix today!!

:)

Sending you strength, Grandma!

I have a friend who is in a similar situation. Looking at things from the outside, I constantly see the daughter manipulating her mother by using the child.

Since mother is very concerned about the safety and well being of her grandchild, 90% of the time she'll take over. For example - daughter gives child junk food for breakfast because she doesn't want to cook, mother will make breakfast - daughter puts child in front of tv set because she wants to play on the computer, mother will sit and play with child even if she has other things that need to be done.

I think it's important to set guidelines and rules and stick to them.

I hope you can set some boundaries while she is in school - she is very, very lucky to have a support system with you and your husband! Sometimes you will have to make yourselves 'unavailable' to her (you need a break, too!) - especially if she wants to go out during the weekends once schools starts. If it's school/homework related, then by all means. But if it's a party or a social event all the time, well, she's a mom first, teen second.

I agree with a parenting class. If it isn't against your beliefs, has she started any kind of birth control just in case?

Congrats, nana (grandmommy!). What a pretty name - Rosalie.

I would tell her that she made grown up decisions and now has to face those grown up consequences...

Yes, she is 15 - but if she wants to have it both ways - which really - she is VERY lucky that you are ready, willing and able to care for HER daughter..AND live at home...

She has to stop her argumentative behavior and step up to the plate...No matter how much you love your daughter and grand daughter at some point tough love is gonna come into play because, in my opinion, she's being coddled...sorry - she made some grown up decisions in having sex and she's not really facing the consequences of those actions. What's to stop her from coming home pregnant again? Nothing really - because she's got a soft cot to fall on...

She has to be held accountable for her actions...If she wants to give up parental rights - fine...we'll take care of that. But if we do this - there are rules you MUST abide by....she cannot just take off. she is a mother now - I don't care that she's ONLY 15...SHE MADE A DECISION...an adult decision with adult consequences...so too bad - daughter o' mine...I will help you and take care of you and your daughter - however, YOU WILL respect my rules...

It may be tough love - but she needs it...she needs her wake up call..

I'm sooo happy that you are happy!!! I think it's GREAT!! I really do. However, I really think your daughter needs to be held accountable for her actions and not get away with little girl actions...she gave up being a little girl.

Maybe, she can attend Parenting Classes.
It would benefit her, being she is so young.
The human brain is not even fully developed until 26 years old.

Its nice you are all helping.
For the best of the child.

Being she is so young, I would think that yes, you need to guide her.
Your daughter is so young. They do not know everything. Nor think like an adult.
Guide... which is different from commandeering her.
I know you know that. Per how you worded your post.

Her life is that of an adult now... even if she is only a child.
But she needs to know, that her baby is 'hers' and that baby is bonded with her. Thus she needs to spend more time with her baby and doing all the care taking of her baby.
Do not just let your daughter, shirk her responsibilities of being a Mommy.
She needs to have face time and quality time with her baby. By herself. Too.

MAKE sure... that you are also not commandeering her baby. Your daughter needs to feel, that she is 1st with her baby. Always remember... you are "Grandma"... not "Mommy."

AND, I REALLY HOPE, she is on BIRTH CONTROL. And, does not go and get hooked up with some other guy.

Congratulations! You and I are about the same age, I think, and I can't fathom being in your shoes. So kudos for your patience and calmness.

The best gift you can give your grandchild is helping your daughter be a good Mommy. It might help her to know that even moms in their 30 and 40s with a newborn struggle with juggling it all and wanting time to ourselves. If I lived with my Mom when I had my daughter at 31, I probably would have handed her off too more than I did.

I feel bad for your daughter knowing she will have trouble meeting mom friends and playmates for her daughter that aren't also teen moms. I wonder if you could identify other new moms who could mentor her a bit. That way, they would be her peers in some respects, but with the maturity to stick to good choice (while not being HER mom).

Good luck!

Your daughter is lucky to have you.
You've received some harsh responses, but it sounds like she IS trying.
What about making her sign a contract? Rules that need to be followed as far as child care times by you, curfew, school performance, chores, etc.? Sometimes when what is expected is written down in black & white it makes it easier to abide and enforce.
For example: You watch the baby while she is at school and for an hour or so so she can do homework (say 6-7 pm). Otherwise--the baby is on her watch., etc.
Probably no time soon, but she WILL O. day, realize what you have done for her and how much help was provided.
But she is a young teen. All of the attitude doesn't just go away b/c she's now a mom! LOL
Good luck to you & your family!

I would strongly recommend that you recruit some professional help for your family if you can afford it. Parenting classes for your daughter and and family counseling for all of you. Even if you think everything is going great now, I can almost assure you that there will be issues down the road.

My sister had her first child at 16. The first year everything was peachy, all families involved pitched in, the baby's daddy stayed with her and she was doing great. My sister had behavioral issues before she got pregnant which had caused her trouble in school and well, lets just say that her defiance and unreliability played a role in her getting pregnant in the first place.
Long story short, my sister's life took a nosedive after that first year. She got pregnant again, got into drugs and alcohol, sabotaged the relationship with her kids' dad and totally alienated everyone who was trying to help her (including me and all of our family and most of her friends). She hit rock bottom and tried to commit suicide, had her kids removed from her care (custody went to dad) and it took her years to put her life back together and get her kids back. In retrospect she would have really benefited from professional guidance during her first years through motherhood since all of us were way too emotionally involved in the situation to really help her grow into her role as a mother and grow up.

It is probably safe to assume that there were issues with your daughter before she got pregnant (you allude to her behavior) and even if she is "better" now, don't assume that these issues just went away with her having the baby. In all likelihood they will come back, and may be worse than before under the stress of motherhood. Giving her an outlet and someone who will give her guidance from someone who is not part of your household may be helpful and maybe, just maybe will prevent a bad fallout. Especially if it helps both of you to establish boundaries and rules you can both commit to.

My sis is in her 30ies now and has a good life and a happy family but she and her older children went through a lot of heartache to get there, more heartache than those little girls deserved to go through at such a young age.
Good luck.

Hi K.-

No 'pearls of wisdom' for you here...

But wanted to say WHAT A CUTIE!!!

I cannot imagine the fine line you are walking...but am sending good thoughts and prayers to you all!!

Best Luck!
Michele/cat

I have not been in your position thankfully, but I do want to tell you that you are an awesome Mommy/Grandmommy for doing the very best for little Rosalie.

I havent been in your shoes but I jus want to say congrats! What a wonderful thing you are doing by helping her!

I'm in my 30's and I can remember times when I thought my daughter (now 3) liked her grandparents more than she liked me! Grandparents are just so comfortable handling babies because they have been there, done that. New parents need time to settle in and find their groove. Do you allow your daughter to use mamapedia or some other online forum for moms? Perhaps you could make sure she has some time alone with the baby so that the option of handing her over is not always there. Every new mom has to have time to make mistakes and find what works. It might help them bond. It warms my hear to see how supportive your family has been. I don't have any real world advice since I have not been in your shoes, but I wish you well.

That video is Adorable!! What a little doll :-) Her hair is so dark and thick!! lol
I have not been in your shoes. I cant imagine how hard it is on Everyone!!!
Have you and your husband ever considered adopting her, and having your daughter just be her 'sister'? I'm sorry if that seems 'stupid' or inconceivable.
I dont know what I would do in your situation! at 15 years old NO WAY Would I have been mature, ready or capable of taking care of a baby.

Its a tough one I know. I work hard to back my daughter up on her raising her daughter and not take over. I have my grand daughter several days a week, and a couple evenings, while M. works and goes to school. I promote M. as the mommy and try to keep the lines clear who is in charge and who is grama. (even when I see clear mistakes being made)
I would suggest you look into some parenting classes for your daughter. She might do better hearing basic child care tips from strangers and not you. A lot of teens really think us moms are stupid and know nothing about their lives. We know way more than they think but we cant be the ones to tell them. Your daughter might listen to a stranger and learn a lot more if its not you trying to teach her. Best of luck with this whole ordeal. I am on your side. I could say,, "been there, doing that".

Glad to hear everything is going nicely! My only advice is for when thebaby gets older, ive noticed grandmas who are also kind of being moms have a hard time with discipline (because they shouldn't have to do that in being a grandma) A lot of babies being raised by grandma will be quite spoiled. I know your daughter is raising the baby too but you might come across a time you have to put your foot down. I just wanted to tell you that i had noticed that a lot of grandmas dont seem to.

But other than that,,,,congrats! Im glad shes back in school too.

DON'T BE THE MOM! I know it's hard. I'll say even at 25, it was hard for me to watch my mom with the baby. I was convinced that he liked her more too lol. Now we've gotten used to each other and I have to say, I know he loves me more hehe. I think if she keeps trying to hand the baby to you, simply reencouraging and say no, you can do this, the baby wants and needs YOU. You'll just have to resist your instincts to want to parent the baby and realize that your parenting the teenager. I will say that you daughter is very lucky to have you both as such strong supports for her. Also, she's going to be defiant and argumentative baby or not cause she's only 15. It's a typical behavior. But remember, if she argues, you're her parent. I know one thing I did a lot of was when my mom would start giving me unsolicited advice on how to do things, which I think is just normal parent instinct, I finally snapped on her. She told me a few months later that she finally realized that she needs to let me be the parent to my son and she simply needed to focus on my personal health and well-being cause she was my parent. So just keep reminding yourself who the parent is and I think maybe you'll be okay.

Also, I encourage all of my teen moms and their parents to actually sit down and have a very open conversation on roles/schedules/boundaries when it comes to the new baby. It helps a lot with maintaining a healthy balance. So for example, when she comes home from school, what is she responsible for doing for the baby? Does she get an hour to herself to do homework and then she is required to give the bath, bottle, and bedtime stuff? Or do you expect her to do everything until the baby is asleep and then do her homework? When are you guys willing to provide babysitting service and how often each month? (I do believe that kids should be limited in how often they can go out and do things once they have a baby, but still a little bit of time to be a teenager would be nice if she meets her other responsibilities. Plus, then ties into her expectations. Most teenagers are given rules to follow around the house so simply saying "you are required to do this during the week and then if you do on Saturdays, we'll take the baby for this many hours at night so you can spend some time with your friends, etc." If she doesn't follow through, you punish her, just like you would if she didn't have a baby). Who makes his bottles for the day? If she is home with you all, who changes her diapers? How often will you do things as a whole family? How often do you guys get to go out and she's 100% alone with the baby? Who wakes up with the baby at night? Who gets the baby ready in the morning? On and on and on. I know it seems almost mundane, but this is usually how you break the grandparent parenting the grandchild role. What I have found is that what the teen thinks should be their role with the new baby is VASTLY different from what the parent thinks their role should be. You have to actually ask the questions and come up with a plan. If you can even find a good third party type mediator (it can be a friend who is relatively neutral) then that's even better. It has worked well for my familys because they can discuss and come up with an agreement that all of them like. The children get a chance to be heard and give their input and ultimately be part of making the final decision, like an adult, and they are more invested in their roles at this point. Without the clear boundaries though, and enforcement of those boundaries and roles, it's difficult. I hope this made sense.

Good luck. Your daughter and granddaughter are definitely lucky to have such supportive people in their lives right now! :)

She is lucky to have you.
Love them both, she is still your little girl and even though she is a mommy now she is still such a baby herself.
That being said lay down some boundaries, she is a mom now and needs to step up to the plate.
Please let her discipline Rosalie. Also please stand behind your daughter when Rosalie gets to be 3 and thngs aren't going so well. All adults need to be on the same page, cute as a button as she will be.

Congratualtions to our daughter for going back to school and I pray she finishes high school and goes on to have a great life.

Hi K.,

So glad to hear an update!!!!! I am glad that things are working out. Keep working with your daughter and teaching her how to be a good mommy. Things will work out. GL!!!

M

Oh! quick warning...

Take your link and put it in "so what happened" or or "break it up" so it's a cut and paste instead of a link or your post will get pulled!

Wow. Having to parent a teenaged parent must be tough. Kudos to you!

If you are young and strong enough, consider parenting Rosie. (I'm a 46 year old mom with my own five year old, so I can imagine how tiring it could be for someone in her fifties!) As hard as it may seem, while you may want to teach your daughter a lesson, it doesn't sound like your daughter is ready to learn the lesson. The tip off for me was your comment that your daughter lies. One cannot make another learn a lesson. Your granddaughter shouldn't have to suffer because of your daughter's inattention. I would never to put a child in a situation where the parent would lie about the safety of the child. You are not letting her off of the hook. You are evaluating the situation and making a reasonable decision. And the current situation is not working well because you disagree with how your daughter is parenting her child. I could see how demanding a teen to do something in a certain manner will alienate her further. She has not yet reached the point of doing what is best for her child.

The best thing to do may be for you to provide to her an excellent example of how to raise a child, so that when she has one later in life, she will look back upon this and have the wisdom to do it well.

Recently I attended my cousin's child's wedding. The groom was first raised by the grandparents, and then when older, the parent finished the job when mature enough to handle the responsibility. Perhaps this is possibility.

All the same, your daughter continues to be your daughter, and she must follow the rules of the house. That includes taking infant-caring classes, getting family counseling to learn communication skills, attending school, completing all of her homework, and getting career counseling. AND babysitting with her following your rules of how Rosie should be treated. On SATURDAY night after a full week of taking care of your child, like babysitters do. For FREE because that is part of her share of the workload in the house, along with some chores for the upkeep of the home. If she is not interested in this policy, she may not be interested in living in your home any longer. Gently inform her of that.

This next question could be painful and revealing. So you decide to go out on Saturday, and have your daughter babysit. If the circumstances were different, would you hire as a sitter someone who demonstrates the behaviors your daughter does?

I wish you the best of luck throughout the years.

Deep peace.

On of my close friends was adopted by her grandparents - she knew they were her grandparents and her mother lived with them also - but her bio mom was not really mature enough to raise her.

There is a 15 year old in our neighborhood (in school with my son) who had a baby the summer before 9th grade (baby now 1) - her parents are providing the major care for the child - while the young mom is/has reverted to being a teen. As far as I know they have not adopted the baby.

Every family is different - and every family handles the same situation differently - no one way is right.

You have to, ultimately, do what is best for your family. You daughter, though a mother, is still a child and as such you are still raising her - so consequences for bad behavior should still be in place, else, how will she learn. Since she is a Mom, you could try speaking to her "mother to mother" - asking her how she would handle X situation when your grand child is doing the same thing. Sit down with her, and outline expectations and goals, responsibilities, and what the consequences will be. Make it very clear to her that you will not allow her to use the baby to manipulate the situation - again calling on her new role as a mom to help her understand your position.

The other thing to consider is family counseling - not because there is anything "wrong" with any of you - but because it may help facilitate communication and understanding between you all.

I am so happy that you have a grand baby! Babies are gifts no matter how we "get" them.

Blessings to you all.

She's a cutie pie!!

I haven't been in your shoes, so I definitely can't speak from experience. The only thing that comes to mind is that your daughter is the mom and needs to be the responsible one for her baby. I know it has to be So HARD! Thinking of being in your shoes, I'd struggle to do the same thing as you. But I think it's very important in the long run of her mother/child relationship that she is the caretaker as much as possible. I would think she can't go out very often since she has a baby at home to take care of. It's what it's like for all the rest of us moms:-)

Anyway, beautiful baby and you so like such a sweet lady! Best wishes with everything.

thats great that she is adjusting well to being a young teen mom. its not easy. i think maybe you should lay down the rules for when she goes back to school- like telling your daughter that you will only watch her while she is doing her homework, or she is at school etc. so she isnt handing her over as much. it is hard because your mothering instints come right back and you want to jump right in. but this is a learning time for your daughter and her baby since she made a choice months prior when she became pregnant. in time things will work out for the best. :) good for you and your husband for being supportive parents to your daughter.

Well, I think you (and your daughter who is only a child herself) need to decide whether you want to be be the mom or the grandmother. You are likely more qualified to be a mom. If you want to make that long term commitment it would likely turn out better for Rosalie. I would not look at having a child as something Madison should learn from, I would look at what is best for her and for Rosalie. Being a child (albeit one who made a big mistake) is probably the best thing for Madison - meaning going back to having the life of a 14 year old with an infant sister. Having you as her mom is probably the best thing for Rosalie. That said - no one in the world could say that you deciding not to assume care for your grand daughter would in any way be wrong. If you decided to take over care - I would make sure to adopt her legally - for all the reasons you state. Best of luck.