My 12-Year-old Son Misbehaving in School

At this age if a child doesn't like a teacher they are going to "rebel" in any way they can. You've got to go meet with this teacher and principal to resolve this problem quickly or it's only going to get worse. No, it's not right for the child to be disruptive nor is it right for the teacher to take on an attitude with the child. That's why you have to take control of the situation and not just let it go. Goodluck

Sometimes there are flat out - personality conflicts! This may be one of them. I don't think he has ADD. I think he just doesn't like this teacher and lies and wants to get out of doing anything related to this class.

HOWEVER, as a parent, one of the responsibilities if CONFLICT RESOLUTION! You need to talk about the fact there will be NUMEROUS times in life where we have to work with or deal with someone we don't like. THEREFORE, you need to remind him that it is NOT about him or her and that it's about doing his best, not wasting his time, REGARDLESS of his feelings for this teacher. He has to do what's BEST FOR HIM.

Shrugging his responsibilities and ticking off this teacher benefits NO ONE. If he buckles down and does the assignments, he may not have near as many conflicts and even decide he likes this teacher.

CHECK HOMEWORK and even sit down and do it with him if you have to. He needs to be able to be TRUSTED. This is a matter of INTEGRITY......DOING WHAT'S RIGHT, REGARDLESS of how he feels.

You CANNOT - there are too many of those out there as it is- go thru life acting on feelings. You learn to do what's right. PERIOD! It's about maturity and growing up. If he has to EARN trust from you and his teacher....so be it.

Maybe you need to tighten up the reins, too. Obviously, there's an area between what happens in the classroom and at home that has a HUGE gap. Take the initiative to CLOSE that and help HIM to resolve it.

Try not to take SIDES. Again, it's about what is RIGHT. AS a former teacher, I dealt with these types of kids MANY times. I ALWAYS turned things on them to take responsbility regardless of any other issues and tried to show them consideration and respect while "forcing" them to grow and not rely on me to always give them to answers or to shirk their responsibility.

I remind them, that even though they may not think they need this info, it's required by the state and there is nothing I can do about that. OR...if they elected to take it, then it's THEIR responsibility to make the most of it.

Life is too short to waste time on irritating other people and wasting your own time when you could be learning and experiencing when you've got the opportunity. He may relize later on, that he needed this info to move on to something else.

When you don't take advantage of opportunity, someone else will. He needs to learn to be prepared rather than wish he would have. Then.......he has no one but himself to blame.

TEACH THEM TO THINK! In addition, I'd be taking away any and every extra activity that he's involved in or likes to do UNTIL he gets his priorities straight.

If he thinks he can hold a job with these kind of tactics, he's got a RUDE AWAKENING coming!

There is obviously some sort of problem between him and the teacher. I wouldn't want to diagnosis ADD based on ONE teacher that your child struggles with. Personailty conflict and ADD are two totally different things. I'm sure you have, but sit down and talk with your son. Allow him to explain what the conflict is with the teacher from his stand point. Find out what it is about the teacher he doesn't like. Then possibly set up a time to meet with the teacher with him and even the principle. All of you sit down and discuss how the issue can be resolved or at least a common ground found to get you through the school year.
Also, remind him, if he fails, he is stuck in the same grade and possibly have her again!!!
Ona side note--I totally agree with Julia and the reason I love where my son is. Each child is different, each child learns different and each child understands differently. It's the teachers responsiblity to help the child become a young adult at the child's level, understanding and based on their personailty, NOT this is the way it's always been done so this is the way it should always be done.

Has he always had trouble following directions? Do you send him to go and do a simple chore and he "gets lost" or forgets what he went to do?
You know your child best, so if you think he needs some help , you have to get it for him.

My son started having a lot of trouble at around 12 years old in school. He has executive function deficits and auditory processing disorder.

The school felt he was just being difficult and I was not strict enough with him, but I insisted on an independant evaluation and got it.

There is a group called the Ohio coalition for the education of children with disabilities, they are based in Columbus but have advocates in most school districts.

Good Luck,
L.

My 11 YO does the same thing. I think they have been allowed to question authority at home, debate with us and have carried it over to the other adult figures in their lives who have technically no ability to punish them or demand their respect. Oh, by the way, my child has been in therapy since age 4. He has been diagnosised with ADHD, Aspberger, ODD, etc., and has been on and off medications etc. Part of it too, is the fact he is going into the teen years. We allowed them to watch the Simpsons, and other shows where the children are smarter than the adults and disrespectful. We set the course, now we have to deal with it.

A quick removal of all priveleges, no TV, no Radio, no computer games, video games, telephone calls and play time with friends, and a lot of time sitting at the table doing his homework in front of you. Taking him to school and watching him hand in his assignments for a few months and then having him earn back his fun time will go more towards helping the situation than most other courses of action.

If he is disrepectful an adult he has to write a letter explaining why he thinks the action was acceptable and apologize for not having been respectful. Make him write the definition of the word respect 10 times, the next time 20 etc.

You will be grounding yourself, and any other adult who is responsible for his care at home until he can behave in an acceptable manner and get his grades up.

Bringing home an F means an automatic removal of all privelages in my home, did for my older children who are now 30 and 28. The rule still applies. He can always repeat this year of school if he doesn't want to comply.

I have to agree that there is a difference between doing the work and turning it in. I think the idea of the assignment book is great. A child should never argue with a teacher in class; that is disrespectful and insubordinate. If he has a problem with her, or her with him, they need to take care of it in private after class. It sounds to me like this is escalating out of control and turning into rebellion. You need to meet with the teacher, the principal, and your son. Rules need to be reestablished, like doing the homework AND turning it in, regular desk and locker cleanings if that is the problem, and showing respect. If he doesn't have an assignment book already, that would be a great time to get one started. Most teachers are not bad guys and don't hate children. They want what is best for them. They could make far more money doing way easier jobs; they teach because they love to help children learn and grow, especially in a Catholic school, where the pay is even lower than public schools. All of this will feel to him like being treated like a baby. He will swear its not his fault, even if you find the work, not tuned in, in his notebook, desk or locker. He needs to learn that part of being treated like a responsible adult is behaving like one, and at the age of 12 he needs to be responsible for his work and his behavior. He may not like her, but she is the teacher and there will be teachers, bosses, professors, in-laws and many others in his life that he does not like, but has to learn to deal with. That is part of life, and this is a good oppurtunity for him to learn that. Reward him for good behavior toward her when "she doesn't necessarily deserve it." When he passes the class at the end of the year have a celebration of making it through; "Good bye Mrs. X!" If he doesn't he'll probably get her again. Remind him of that. Good luck.

Part of his problem is his age, he will soon be entering his teenage years. If he has had problems in previous years with his school work, keeping organized, and staying on the task at hand he may be ADD. Only a qualified doctor can tell you that. Here are some things that might help with his school work. First, does he have an assignment book with all his homework listed and do you need to sign it. To get him on the right track it will take good communication between you, your son and the teacher.You are going to have to take an active role in making sure he has his assignments and that he has what he needs in his backpack for the day. As far as his behavoir in class, my sister had a similar issue of her son disrupting class, her solution was to go to school with him and sit in the back of the room. It only took one time, he was so embarrased he descided to straighten up and respect the teacher. It would behelpful if the teacher would give him some positive input too. If all you hear is negative you then you'll re-act in like. These are just my opinions as as grandma, mom and former teacher.

I guess I am wondering why he thinks he has done them and the teacher does not?? Has the teacher sat down with him and discussed what the requirement is for the assignments after class? Sounds like a communication issue between the teacher and him. Maybe you can get a meeting with both so you can fully understand why he thinks he has completed them and she does not? Just because she doesn't like him doesn't mean that she doesn't need to communicate better with him. He sounds like he is very smart and is trying to make a point with the teacher and she is ignoring the point he is trying to make and just expects him to shut up and do what he is told. I would not want to discourage a child that has good argument skills, but he also needs to be taught to treat his teachers with respect. The teacher should figure out a way to communicate better with him since she is the adult in the equation. Kids are not cookie cutter and deserve to be treated as individuals. I say this with the utmost respect for teachers and understand that their job is incredibly hard, but a good teacher should try to relate with kids even if they don't like them. Do you also have the same issues with him at home?

Explain to your son that he is only hurting himself by not doing his work and that he will encounter people he does not like throughout his life in and out of the workplace.
His grades (work) will go on his record, not hers.
Then, find a way to keep abreast of his assignments and make sure that he does them and turns them in.
Attach consequences for failure to keep up with his work, and privileges if he complies.
If you could keep in contact with his teacher by phone or email every day it would help.
I am sure that she would appreciate your efforts to help him learn responsibility.
I do not think that he has suddenly acquired ADD etc., I think he just does not want to give her the satisfaction of doing what she requires.
I went through this with one of my children and I made him have the teacher sign something every day to let me know if he was doing his work.
This was before email.
Every one of my kids(6) had an unlikable or less than competent teacher(s), and I always reminded them that this was one year in their schooling, and that they were responsible for doing the work and that that teacher would go on to another class next year, so just to do what was required, and get as much out of the year as possible.
As to his disrupting the class, that is never acceptable, and it is a great annoyance and distraction to both the teacher and the whole class.
If you haven't already, suspend his privileges whenever he is sent from the classroom for this....plus he is losing instruction time while he is in the hallway.
I hope you can get him to turn this around.

It sounds like it's a respect issue between him and the teacher.

I think you need to sit him down and talk to him about it. Get him to open up, find out for sure if it is a respect issue or if he's having trouble in the class. If it's about him not liking the teacher it might be time to help him to understand that not everyone in the world is going to be his friend, and that some of them are going to be in positions over him. There is a time to stand up for yourself and there is a time when you just need to do as you're told. He may not like her, but she is his teacher and she is in authority over him. He needs to do his assignments because in truth the only one he's hurting is himself and by disrupting the class he's hurting the other students and not the teacher.

Good luck.

As a Catholic teacher myself, my experience tells me that he might actually have his work done. So many times I have had students swear they turned in an assignment. The fact was they remembered doing it, not necessarily turning it in. Almost every time I would look thru their desk/locker/binder AND FIND the assignment they were sure was handed in. Just a thought...

Hi K.,

I am coming in a bit late, and you have received much good advice already. Just one other thing to think about when you meet with teacher and principal--you said your son's handwriting is bad, and he hates writing out sentences. could he type some of his assignments on the computer (e.g. essays, answers to questins in social studies, etc)? That might make it a little easier for him; and it will certainly make it easier for the teacher to read his work.

Good luck to all of you

K. Z.

I don't think he suffers from ADD - sounds more like a phase...or rather, the "some people just don't get along" thing.

One of my nephews had a "bad" teacher at a Catholic school in Louisville. His brother had that teacher before him too. We all just reinforced to him that sometimes you're going to get teachers you don't like, and there's really not much you can do other than make sure you turn in the assignments. If he hates the teacher, it's likely that he isn't turning in the assignments. When he does, tell him to make sure he hands it directly to her.

This is one of those "life lesson" things where he's going to have to learn to tough through it the best he can, try to avoid being on the teachers radar, study a little harder for class, make sure he turns in the assignments and hands them directly to her, and try to tough it out, and then hopefully he won't have her for many more classes after this year. Don't give her a reason to bug on him about things.

I went to Catholic schools growing up, and that's what we did.

Just a few thoughts for what it's worth - and good luck!

I would totally request an evaluation be done for ADD. He sounds just like my son. We held him back in 2nd grade because they said he was immature. Then at the end of 3rd grade he was evaluated and they said he was LD in language arts. He has always had so much missing work. Quite often he might even do it, but not turn it in.

Finally when he was almost 16, he was do for another re-evaluation. I asked that ADD (or ADHD) be included in that. He was very high for ADHD. He never appreared as a hyper kid. More that his brain just does not stay focused. Her he is at age of 18 - and he has a hard time remember into to do a list of 3 things or complete 1 full task.

I wish he had been diagnosed in elementary school becuase he would have got services that would have taught him how to manage the ADHD like he learned regarding his LD stuff.

Also - make sure that he is not dabbling in any kind of drugs. Might seem like a young age - but it is common. That can cause this type of behavior too. That includes over the counter and you precription drugs too.

Better to explore all possibilities than to miss something

As a teacher of 11-12 year olds, I agree with that most likely he has been doing the work but not turning it in. I may misplace (in another class period or another stack) one paper but not the all the papers turned in by one student. Look through his locker if he has one, his binder, desk, wherever he stashes his work and you may find lots. I have kids tell me all the time they turned it in only to find all papers wadded up in the bottom of their locker but they swore they turned them in. Does the teacher have any no names??? Also, request daily communication from the teacher. Does he have an assignment book? This is a great tool if used properly. Your son fills it out each class period with what they did in class and then the teacher signs it but not in the middle of instruction. Often times there is a quiet moment to do this. If your son is worried about other kids seeing this being done, it can be done discreetly. If the work was turned in, the teacher can let you know. If the work is not turned in, the teacher can let you know. Also, if there is a concern about behavior that day, it can be written in there. When your son comes home the first thing you ask for is the assignment book. If it is not filled out by him there needs to be a consequence. It is the responsiblity of the student though to take it to the teacher to be signed. I have 130 kids a day and I sign at least four assignment books and six behavior charts. I won't hunt the kids down though if they forget. They should at least have written down the work and if there is homework. Before you implement this though, meet with the teacher. Your final step it to sign it yourself to let the teacher know you saw it as well. Decide on a time period with your son (a week or so) that he if does this there is a predetermined reward that he achieves-more time with video games, an evening with family, etc. It doesn't have to be a monetary reward. Hope this helps.

K.,

If you think you have a reason to suspect ADHD (there is only one diagnisis, those without hyperactivity are officailly diagnosed as ADHD Inatentive type-there is no ADD anymore in the medical community) then you should make an appointment with a professional now. This is not the place for you to get diagnosis advice on so little information, and I get the sense that you have left out many other things that have either made you wonder or giving someone else cause to suggest this to you.

If he has either ADHD combined type or ADHD inatentive type, he deserves a full evaluation, and at his age, that would be with a psychiatrist and a neuropsychologist-GET BOTH. If you really suspect, make the appointment today and pay for it out of pocket if you have to, because you are going to find that the most important thing he has is is time, and that could be ticking away without approriate intervention if you continue to just wonder.

Appropriate intervention is both medical and theraputic and will involve school accomodations that may or may not be available in catholic school. Some catholic schools do quiet well with kids who have ADHD of both types.

Don't wait. Time is the only thing that is free right now, and you can't even pay to get that back.

M.