My 11 Yr Old Step-Daughter and Boys!!!

Hi K.,

I agree with you it does sound concerning. I also agree that the cousin is probably not someone whom you want your step daughter socializing with. A two year age difference at that age can be a huge difference maturity wise and if your step daughters main influence is an out of control cousin, you have trouble on your hands. I don't know how well your relationship with your step daughters mother is but if it is good a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, meeting would be in order to set some ground rules for behavior, dating, socializing, etc. If will definately help if everyone is on the same page with expectations from this young lady! Having different homes with differnt rules can be very confusing. Also her mother is going to have the primary influence because that is where your step daughter lives and goes to school. Educating yourself on prepubescent female behavior is also a great idea. I recommend Saving Ophelia--Saving the Selves of Our Adolescent Girls. This is a very influential time for young girls and their self-esteem is very fragile. Assume you will make mistakes, but if she continually feels loved and valued at home you have the best chance of winning the war if not every battle. Best Wishes!

J. L.

Make sure she is informed about her body and what she should expect at her age. Tell her to respect herself and FIND A BOY WHO WILL DO THE SAME... if you are honest and she knows you are there for her, you will need to trust her (this is where your hard work pays off).

I am 12 years old...I will tell you that I am not a mom really, if your wondering. But in cases like this I think I am very big help.

In middle school, a lot of stuff like this happen. It's 99% of the time a joke. I promise! I would just make sure she knows consequences of future actions. My friend's mothers have done the same thing.

Remember, it's probably a joke. STOP WORRYING!

I may be way off on this one but you have to trust her at some point. You can't spy on her all the time. Gviing her some responsibility and faith can go a long way. It was her cousin that was doing something with the private part, right? Not her? I remember when I was younger, my friends were a lot more advanced than I. but my parents had trust in me which gave me strength to say no to many things, including alcohol, drugs, etc. Their having trust in me made me not want to dissapoint them. I would talk with your step daughter and let her know you are there for her, but remember you were reading her private messages and she did nothing wrong at this point.

I have an 11 yr old daughter and this is certainly far from where she is. She likes boys but it's all "at a distance" and this is true for the vast majority of the kids in her grade. While I agree w/ the 12 year old that it's most likely made-up, and trusting her is important---I don't think "you just have to trust her" is the answer either. Is she involved in extra-curricular activities: sports, music, school play, school government? I think this is the best way to keep kids focus from turning to the opposite sex too early.

Does she know you read her IM? If not, she will feel seriously violated and you will likely do more damage to your relationship by going after her for this. I would suggest pro-active re-direction, STD information previously suggested, talking about the recent info of Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy as a conversation starter to see what she thinks about it and open some doors for starting awkward conversations that are tough to bring up out of the blue. Also encourage positive relationships by offering to have specific friends over...offer to drive her and someone you think is a good influence to a movie or to pick up and return the friend to their house. Don't offer to do this w/ the friends you consider not to be a positive influence. This worked well for my Mom w/ me.

Finally, if you are going to read her IMs, be sure she knows it. It may make her adjust what she says, but would that be a bad thing? It also may not make her adjust what she says and then you can approach her directly over things she says.

Good luck!

Chris [mother of 3]