My 10 Yr Old Stepdaughter Hates to Be Told What to do...and More.

C.,
Sounds like the girls in the classes might be playing an
emotional game with her. Especially if she is changing friends so quickly. This is about the age when the cattiness in school starts. Been there and done that. It goes on thru sixth grade, and then it dies off a little in Jr. high. At least the people get more mixed, and then it is not as bad anymore. I would discuss what is going on with her friends at this point to see what happened.
W. M.

My kids are like this (boy 14 and girl 10) and they live with their biological married parents. I took a parenting class on teens and tweens and one thing they said was that it will seem like dealing with the toddler years all over again and issues of control over things.

I've gone back to the "pick your battle" philosophy. I talked with the kids about when it's choice and when it's Mom's way. They're still troublesome at times, but now that they know that sometimes it's just a reminder to do something with a future deadline (like before you go to bed, or by Monday) versus sometimes it's a NOW situation, they're a bit easier to live with I've found.

For example, showering. My son knows he has to shower daily but WHEN he does it is his choice and if he gets up late, he may get just cold water.

Hi C.,
If you haven't read 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk' by A. Faber, I highly reccomend it. It'll help you talk to her, which is your best bet to find out what's really going on. As a family therapist who specializes in teens, I can tell you-- the 'awful years' are starting younger and younger. Good luck!

I don't have any advise for you but i would bet monye on puberty is just around the couner. I hope you canfigure it out.
Hugs

Hi C.!

My stepdaughter had similar emotions at age 10. I think it was definitely about "owning" some of her life. She too, had 2 households to live in a week at a time back then.

I ended up taking her out to lunch one day, and asking her if she was truly happy in her life. If she could change ANYTHING what would it be. She said, "no offense, but I would really like my parents to be married again"......
She said that she understands why they are not married, and she really likes me and her stepdad, but life was soooo much easier for her when they were married.

Truthfully, I understood. How brave of her to tell me the truth.......... How could I make her life easier? I told her dad, then he and his Ex talked (the Ex and I didn't get along AT ALL back then, so I couldn't call her). We all decided to rearrange our "kid week" schedules a bit to eliminate so much change each time the kids switched houses.

My husband was a comuter at the time, so I did all the transportation (sports) for my stepson after school, whether he was at our house, or his moms. This way we had more consistency. For my stepdaughter, she liked to walk home with her friends, which was across the street from mom's house.... so we let her. She was allowed to go to her mom's every single day, have snack, then get picked up from there. That lasted for about 1 1/2 years, and really made her happy. All she wanted was for things to get "back to normal".....What kid doesn't? Her dad and I had been together 3 1/2 years at that point, so it wasn't like we had JUST gotten together and everything changed. It just took 3 years for her to "try out her new life" before she decided she didn't like it as much as her old one..... That's the way I looked at it, anyway.

The part that got more difficult, was when she was around 12. Our lives/jobs had changed, and that wasn't "safe" for her to do any longer. Her mom wasn't home after school anymore. I was the only one that could pick her up from school. That was fine, but mixed in with puberty, that's when the real problems began.........

She expected all parents, but especially my husband and I, to meet her every wish......... when she was told that she was being unreasonable, she backlashed..........

I don't regret trying to make her life "as it was" in some aspects back then. But it seemed like because she saw that we were all willing to do something like that for her then, why can't we all keep doing things like that for her now. You know.... she thought the world revovled around just her :o)

Anyway, I don't want to get off-subject, but maybe your stepdaughter IS sad. Maybe having 2 homes is getting too much for her. Maybe she feels guilty for thinking about it or saying anything because she likes you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But maybe she wishes her parents were "back together" so SHE wouldn't have 2 sets of rules, etc...

It's so hard for these kids to go through divorces.

She's lucky to have you in her life! One day, she'll really appreciate that :O) At 22, my stepdaughter appreciates me more than ever. And I am loving it!

Good Luck, C.!

~N. :o)

I think it's just the age and starting puberty, she could be close to starting her period as well which triggers tons of hormones.

I, too, have a stepdaughter age 11.5, I have known her since she was 5 and she came to live with us when she was 8.5. Of course we had problems with changing households and the fact that her mom pretty much abandoned her. However, nothing like we have now. She has started her period, puberty is in full throttle and she makes everyone's lives miserable when she is close to her peiod and on her period. She is an emotional rollercoaster and you can't even dare look at her the wrong way or she's off crying and complaining that we are all picking on her.

She does that exact same thing where if you ask her to do something, she'll say okay and then take off to the bathroom for the next 20 minutes or find some other distraction to prevent her from doing what you are asking.

I believe it also has to do with the "I don't have control of my life" scenario as well. So they do things that they can control. For instance, my stepdaughter won't brush her teeth. You have to ask her to do so and then she'll lie and pretty much you have to stand there to make sure she brushes her teeth (simple things like that).

Just a side note: If she is switching friends alot and having issues at school. Make sure there isn't a problem with kids picking on her or an issue that maybe you don't know about. I would talk to the school again and see of they can keep on eye on anything going on with friends that would be upsetting her.

And my stepdaughter is upbeat and happy and homestly you would never know that we deal with all of these dailiy underlining issues that are tearing my house apart and driving me and my husband crazy.

Good Luck. I understand where you are coming from.

How about talking to her pediatrician and a child and family counsellor? a behavior change could be depression or hormones or both!

Dear C.,
I think it's pretty normal for kids to go through the procrastination phase at some point.
For instance, my son is to take care of our animals. I didn't mind doing it once in a while because he is at his dad's house part of the time. But, since breaking my leg, it became physically impossible for me to do it.
Just last Saturday, he was supposed to take care of the animal cages, etc, but we finally had some nice weather and was invited to go play mini-golf. I said it was fine, but he had to take care of the animals FIRST THING when he got home. His friend's mom called to ask if my son could spend the night and I said no, that I didn't have a problem with it other than he had already put his chores off. So, they brought my son home and the very first thing he did was take care of his rabbit, bird and cat. No attitude, no lip. He realized if he had just done it that morning and got it out of the way, my answer would have been different. It's little things like that show them, when they want to do this or that first, it can come back to bite them.
As far as wanting to do things their way, I'll use the animals as an example again....if you don't do things a certain way, the cages don't fit back together properly, so you end up having to re-do it. Certain things have to be done a certain way for a reason. If your daughter says, "I want to do it this way", you can say, "I understand you'd rather do it a different way, but that's not how I asked you to do it. The reason is...."
The other thing too is that my son often says, "I was thinking if I put this here and moved that there, it would be easier to reach this or that...(or whatever) when it comes to Christmas lights or some random thing.
I let him explain to me what his idea is and sometimes he has some great ideas! So, I listen. Sometimes I have so say, "That's really good thinking! But, if we do this or that then the other won't work." And he'll say, Yeah...I didn't think about that part.
I admit sometimes I tell him, "Honey...we don't have time right now to examine and be philosphical from every angle, we just need to get the mission accomplished and we can talk about it later. For now, let's just do it because we have to be ready to leave in an hour."
My son is 13 and very much wants to feel like he's helping me out with his ideas.
As far as the friend changing thing, see if there is a counsellor on site at school. They have one at my son's school and she is awesome! She works with kids on self esteem, conflict resolution, bullying issues, lets them vent about what's going on in their own little hearts and minds. My ex has been very volatile and vengeful toward me since I left him. She helped my son with those issues too.
It's really worth checking into.
My best advice is to keep communication open.
Best of wishes!

If she's having emotional issues I wouldn't be too hard on her for the procrastination, just give her a deadline for when something needs to be done and then lay off.

I would really try to see if you can draw out what is bothering her. It sounds a little serious. Maybe if she can't voice her own emotions you can try voicing them for her. (Are you having problems with your friends? Is school hard? Are you sad because of your mom? etc.)

I agree with Nicole, but I have to add this: My son was this way, and he lives with his natural parents! But it's true, kids always want their real parents together-even when they know LOGICALLY it will never happen, EMOTIONALLY, they want what they want, unreal or not.
Just try to be her friend.
That said, I will share my experience of MY kid who wants to do things his way. It drove me nuts sometimes. Because I know the quickest, most systematic, most efficient way to perform most chores, right? But in my opinion, it is a struggle to be an independent thinker,to have some CONTROL, part of growing up. So let them do it their way whenever possible. If it is NOT done properly, calmly point out what still needs done. The time to suggest the best way to do something is when you first ask/tell. They "know better", so let them think that.
One tip is to SUGGEST the quickest way to get it done, and remind them that quicker = more free time. It took years, but now my son has learned that my way IS faster!(usually, but sometimes he has brilliant ideas) More free time. I always laughed and said, Trust me, I like to get my work done fast BUT right. I want to read my book!
When they have something PRESSING they must do first, allow them that, sometimes. when possible. But set a time limit. For instance, after school - HAVE A LIST of what you expect accomplished by dinner time:homework, set table, walk dog, fold laundry. Some chores are best SHARED, I write "with me" on those chores.(they cannot argue with a piece of paper!)We do laundry and the floors together. Shared work is faster and funner.
My son has hAD A LIST ON THE FRIGE SINCE grade SCHOOL OF MORNING CHORES:brush teeth, water dog, make bed, etc. He is 16 now.I still refer to the AM CHORES list! He loves the (ever changing)list after school! A couple days a week, I don't have much list in afternoon. Good to have one EASY DAY every week, ours is Thursday.
It gives him choices, and kids need choices where ever possible. To learn to think for and by themselves.
He can pick what he wants to do first, etc. Just has to be done by supper. Of course it should not take that LONG to finish list.
They HAVE to learn from their mistakes. They are not gonna take your word for it. For years. They have to learn by mistakes. Painful to watch, but necessary. Remember how many times they fell on their fat lil diapered booty trying to stand on their own two feet? same principal. But much harder to watch!
I would also suggest (continuing?)counseling at school. Most schools offer it for free, talk to her teacher, who can help you request it. Something is getting her down right now, maybe it'll come out there.
Just keep loving her. This is a difficult age socially for many kids.
So choose your battles wisely. If it won't matter in 5 years, let it go. She is trying to become her OWN PERSON.
Trying to have some CONTROL. Good luck!

Hi C.- I know you have a lot of responses already, but I really think that counselling has got to be in her very near future. She may be uncomfortable and not open up to a school counselor because they are at school and she is wary that someone will see her or the counselor will approach her in front of her friends. My suggestion is the private sector. If she has any kind of insurance, it should cover mental health. Hormones, while unnerving, are not the main cause of issues like that. They only heighten the problems that are already there- the highs and lows can be hormonal, but the disposition that started pre-pubescent is not. I speak only from experience on this matter. My parents were wonderful people, but a few major changes in our lives when I was very young created a self defense mechanism that is almost too defensive and too protective. The last 5 or 6 years have shown improvement because I spoke to someone who was neutral and could not judge me or know my family or any history other than what I was willing to share. SHe may need to ramble on to someone who can't discipline her, etc. An art therapist, art or music program is a great way to get her started. Suggest that she may choose to see the counselor on her own terms, but she needs to go by a certain date. Make it a priority but not a big deal so she doesn't feel singled out. The art program is great way for her to channel her emotions, the same with music. It allows her to focus. If she is more sporty, try to get her involved in a sport she is comfortable with. With all of the changes a girl begins to go through, and then to have problems with her birth mother and with her own self image, it can be more than she is able to handle. Be firm but with love (as it sounds that you already are) but please send her to a private counselor. She doesn't need medication. She needs to talk with someone who has no preconceived notions about her. She may also need to switch therapists a few times before she finds one she likes.
I really hope she comes out of her shell and regains her vibrancy. She has a great step-mom to lean on!
-E.

Part could be that she is starting to get the I can do it myself independant attitude and may be resenting that you are telling her what to do. It would be more effective coming from her father. At this age there becomes alot of girl drama at school and kids can br nasty to one another so this may be a reason for changing friends. The girl drama can make amyone feel bad. My daughter is 14 and is finally learning to let it roll off her back. Dad needs to do the majority of discipline but he also needs to tell the kids they have to listen to you as well and explain your importance in the home and his life.