Music for 12Yr Old Boy and Other Gift Suggestions

How can you not like Green Day? Poor kid, no wonder the relationship is strained ;-) Green Day is smart stuff... Maybe some Rage Against the Machine would be good, too.

Take care,
S

A comment about music:

Can you ask your son what he likes, and why? Green Day, as well as a lot of rap/hip hop music are considered to be excellent musically intelligent productions. It may not be what you are used to, but, there is value to be seen in the music construction, innovation, and even social messages included in that music. Some rap may contain offensive language or messages (to you), but some will not.

Perhaps teaming up with your son to find good music, or at least being open minded about what he is listening to and trying to find the value in it, will turn music from a battle ground to more common ground. You could try asking a music store clerk for recommendations, or see about getting your son pertinent music lessons (drums,bass?).

My kids are younger.. but I was thining what if you bought an i pod shuffle.. the real little ones.. if you go to apple.com you can pick out the color and engrave the back for free.. i can't remember how much they are i think around 50 dollars.. then at target or any electronic store buy a 10 apple music gift card and the both of you can go on apple i tunes on line and down load music together that you approve of.. maybe he will treasure the shuffle b/c you put so much thought in it engraved it and pick a color that fits his personality. I bet he wouldn't loose this one.. I know I am way older but my husband got me one for christmas bright red last year with an engraved message and it meant the world to me. I use my shuffle everyday wheter walking or trying to fall asleep at night.. There is a lot worse music out there than Greenday.. my parents always hated the music I listened to b/c it gave them a headache :)
Best of luck,
Lenc

Hey S.,

Oh man, I totally know what you are going through!! Our son is 12 and it's such a fun age (wink wink)! We got him an ipod nano a few years ago and miraculously he has not lost it. Music is a constant battle. I try and let him have a little autonomy, but I do look up the lyrics to the songs he wants. Usually, if the lyrics are talking about sex or drugs, I will ask him "Do you think that is an appropriate subject for a 12 year old?" and he almost always says no. I feel like that makes him realize what the songs are really talking about. As for gifts..... I hate Christmas (sorry people). It has become SO commercialized and materialistic. Parents feel incredible pressure to get bigger and better gifts. We forget that what are kids need most is love and attention. A few things to consider- buying ONE gift at Christmas-asking relatives who usually buy your son a gift to just contribute to the purchase of the one gift. I finally had to ask my MIL to stop buying so many presents for our son because he NEVER played with any of it and two weeks after Christmas it would be at the bottom of his toy box forgotten. Last Christmas they gave him money and that seemed to work out fine. Another option- spend Chrismas away at some cool place (you don't have to go to Disney Land but maybe just a neat destination nearby) where you can spend the time together. Instead of buying a toy go do something together like skiing or something cool he might find fun. This is such a hard age. I discovered the Love and Logic program (I can't remember the author) and it has really helped us interact with our son. It basically says that your kids have an internal balance and you have to fill it with more positives (praise) than negatives(nagging about chores). This can be REALLY hard sometimes as I think he might be slacking in a chore or on homework, but I have to remember to praise what he HAS done- it's amazing because then he is much more willing to listen to direction after praise. Good luck!!

I'm not sure if you can find an mp3 player that he will like for under $20. My son had one too and it was broken and lost within a couple months. He may be measuring his love by the size/price of your gift. I know it's not fair, but some kids think that getting what they want for a hefty price is better than a cheap one. He probably sees kids with those fancy touch-screen mp3's at school and he is feeling left out by not having anything that nice for himself. I'd hate to condone this behavior...but I figure Christmas is a time to give your kids what they need. Maybe this is what he needs to be more comfortable in his life. I remember being 12 and wishing I could be "in" with the crowd and I never could. I would suggest shopping online at reputable stores. Or you could go to an electronics store to ask what they have. I went shopping to get an mp4 for my brother and got it for under $100 at Circuit City. Just a few suggestions. I hope things work out.

I have no advice on the parenting aspect but if you have a Costco nearby and are a member, they have an excellent coupon deal on the SanDisk Sansa Fuze during Thanksgiving weekend (11/28-11/30). The regular price is 99.99 and it will be 59.99 during those three days. I have this MP3 player and love it! Easy to use and best of all, it's not an iPod! Good luck!

Go to Fred Meyers or Safeway and get one of those gift cards. That way they can buy their own music. Good luck. I made it through with two. Don't ask me how. I don't remember.

Well, this sounds familiar! Rest assured, you're not the only mom out there with a difficult pre-teen to teen...I'm one too, and it seems that the more I try, the more I get nowhere. However, we're the moms so we continue to try. Good for you!

I'm guessing the last MP3 player wasn't expensive or cool enough. If you ask him what brand or type he'd like, you'd probably find out exactly where you went wrong. I would bet the new one lasts longer if it's the one he really wants. I'm thinking you'll end up spending $100 though. Although I'd also make it clear that it won't be replaced if it's lost again, considering the cost.

I'd also get him a gift card for the music, and let him pick it out. I now hear songs on the radio from "the old days" when I was a teenager. I wonder how my parents could stand it?! It was all sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll! (Lots of sex stuff which should have scared them, and does scare me now as a parent...I wouldn't want my kids to listen to it.) I was growing up in the 80s big hair music era, but also went thru a rap phase and a 60s drug rock phase. I turned out absolutely fine. I just wanted to be the same as my peers. Also, music is an outlet for teens which they rely on to express themselves.

I would suggest that you give him a little grace as the teen years are difficult emotionally. He's going through a lot and he really doesn't want to be going through it. You can talk to him as the other mom suggested, i.e. "do you think these lyrics are appropriate for a 12yo?" or "what do you think this song means?" or even leave it really open-ended such as "what do you think about this song?" He'll be floored that showed interest without being judgmental. He might not respond...but then again, he'll know you are noticing him. Even at 12, they still want to be important to their parents.

Good luck!

I have a GREAT idea. Give money to a VERY worthy cause in his name. My dad did that one Christmas for the kids - GREAT IDEA! I read to my kids all about the Heifer project and what it does for the family. It was great! They enjoyed it. Kids have too much stuff nowadays anyway, and what you can do is donate money then your child gets a card describing where his gift money went, and how it benefited the people. (See http://www.heifer.org/) - by the way I'm NOT Methodist, however, I found out about it from my boss when I worked at the Methodist Headquarters in Arkansas.)

The project my dad gave to was Heifer Project International. I think (if I remember correctly $50 bought a goat to feed a family!!! It's one of the best charities around, because it contributes an animal to a poor family, and they are able to live better on that one contribution. They use its milk, and when they have two they breed the animals. It's been around a LONG time, and I think EVERY DIME goes to the project, none of it to Administration. If you explain how these people live and show how he contributed, that will benefit him MUCH more in the long run than an MP3 player full of more bad music.

Since your child is very spoiled (Sorry I'm assuming that since he doesn't like any of his gifts), and his music is bad choices, I would NOT give him an MP3 player. The music itself causes bad attitudes and bad moods. It sends the wrong message to teens such as killing people, robbing stores, swear words and general bad and rude behaviour. I myself am a piano teacher and am keenly aware of how music can affect the mood of people. DO NOT allow him any of the bad music. He is not too old to control his choices.

Maybe also, take your children and contribute your time to a worthy project helping others. This really helps bad attitudes as well.

A few years back I sent my son to Project Mexico with my church (he was 15 i think) and he saw how very poor people lived and helped our Monastery down there build homes for people who die due to lack of housing. He is a very compassionate person as a result. In that monastery as you are helping you are eating the same poor diet the Mexicans eat, and living under similar conditions.

This kind of thing kindles compassion and kindness in children and often kills self-centeredness.

Another idea is have him pick out things he owns to give to charity to give them Christmas presents - The Catholic Diocese has wonderful charities (no, I'm not Catholic either). The reason I mention these, again, is because they have minimum overhead. (I'm actually an Antiochian (Syria) Orthodox Christian).

What about a gift card? Let him make the choices and maybe he will be more responsible. (let him know ahead of time, music choices are subject to approval)! Hope this helps, S.

I would go to target, best buy, and maybe circuit city and price them. I have a 14 year old son. I don't much care for his music either. But my parents didn't like mine either. I think it is the way it will always be. He probably wants a mp3 player so he can download certain songs on it. You can tell him all the songs he puts on it have to be approved by you, and you listen to his player every week to make sure he has on it what he is suppose to. If you want to buy the cd's with the music on it, you can get a personal cd player.

Hey there! I know this is a far out idea, but especially if he does not value the gifts you get him (loses them etc.), then maybe consider giving to others less fortunate this Christmas. You can go through Volunteers of America..or there are many other organizations. Or you can give the money you would have spent on gifts to families in third world countries....or to a charity of your choice. I am thinking I want to do this with my kiddos now while they are still toddlers, so that it won't make them angry when they get older. But really by giving gifts every Christmas and birthday, I think our children start to feel entitled to getting what they want, and it promotes selfishness. I am not pointing fingers..just thinking this through for myself right now, and I thought I would share my thoughts. Have a blessed Christmas, whatever you decide to do! God Bless!

Since your son lost the MP3 player you gave him, I suggest you give him chores to earn money to buy another one. If he has to work for it, he will appreciate it more. Also refuse to buy rap for him. If he wants to listen to it, he will have to earn the money to pay for it himself.

As long as you are the parent, your rules override anything your son may demand. If you need guidelines for keeping parameters for your children, I would suggest you get help from a notable source called "Total Transformation". They have a proven technique that will turn your son around in as little as 24 hours. Their number is 1-800-259-1840.

When my son was the same age as yours, I went to Tough Love classes and immediatlely got results as I became stronger and set the ground rules. The first week of Tough Love I took the door off his bedroom because he continued to back talk me. When he sassed me I took away other priveledges until he got the point and it was no use to argue. You must stand strong so your son will respect you! Another good person to get council from is Dr. Laura on 1190am radio at 1pm-4pm. She has you write down all the childrens favorite things to do. When they don't behave, you cross one off. Soon they'll get the picture that there is a reaction for every action. Children need discipline.....they want it! Soon they'll learn to respect you because you respect yourself.

Hope that helps.

V. J.

I wouldn't worry about his music choices as long as they don't have explisit lyrics. Green Day is actually a very socially concious band.
On that note, it sounds like your son will never be satisfied with what you get him. Why buy him anything. He obviously doesn't know how hard it is to earn that mp3 player if he lost it or broke it. I would give him $12 a dollar for each year and tell him he can ask for money from the rest of his relatives and earn the rest of the money himself so he may choose and buy his own MP3 player.
If he has more control over the choices he might not loose it so quickly. If he has to earn some of the money to pay for it, he might care more about it. Kind of like buying your first car, with money you earned, it's not perfect but it's yours.