Ms and Personality Change

I have a couple extended family members that have ms. I have heard that depression can be a part of the disease.

It is so hard to help friends & family that are going through major health changes. I'm sorry to hear that this has been difficult for you. MS can absolutely affect peoples emotional state & personality - the disease itself causes physical changes in the brain, the medications used to treat can cause changes in personality, and depression is a significant concern for patients as they adjust to the permanent change this disease has brought to their lives.

I have a link below that explains some of this in more detail, but I know that just the knowledge that your mom is going through difficulty & changing as a result doesn't make it any easier for you to communicate with her & adjust to these changes as they affect you & your relationship with your mom.

Because of that, I suggest you reach out to the MS community in your area & perhaps find a support group. Often, such groups are made of not only patients, but friends & family, as this is a disease that affects patients & the people in their lives in many ways. You can find contacts for such groups through your mom's doctor (there is no need for them to disclose any of her personal information to provide you with the resources you need, so you shouldn't encounter any issues contacting them).

Hope you find a way to keep a balance between what you need in your relationship with your mom & what she is able to give. T. :)

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Symptoms-Diagnosis/MS-Sy...

I have a neurological condition and my mom has a related one. And it's hard. Some days, you are struggling to get through. And sometimes it's isolating. My mom for example is not able to get out any more although fully functioning in some areas, she can't drive. So unless people take her out, she feels cut off from life. And it's horrible to be dependent on others. You feel as if you've lost your independence. And throw in the pain, mobility issues, fear and anxiety that goes along with it all - it can make you feel grumpy, no patience, depressed .... and then there is actual depression. Most people with neurological diseases get very depressed and do have changes that can happen in their minds. Memory loss, etc.

My mom is no longer who I think of as my mom. The last time I visited, she was kind of ... sharp I guess I'd say. Kind of critical. But then I remembered, what I am like on my bad days. Compare it to say having the flu and you're just not up to your usual cheery self. Or imagine having pain like a terrible headache that you just can't shake. So I know my mom IS herself, but she's dealing with this hardship.

Maybe your mom is feeling insecure, or doesn't want to miss out on moments with her family. I totally get what you are saying about wanting time to be alone with your child. And it's hard suddenly having a parent start becoming needy or dependent on you. Sounds to me like you could maybe get her involved in a MS support group? Does she have one? My mom does. And we also have people going in to the house to help. It's hard on my family at home but they have set days they do things with her. This was our strong independent travel the world on her own mom. It is emotionally hard to accept the changes. What about her medications? My mom is now on a pill for her anxiety and depression which has brought our mom back in many ways. She feels more like herself and is more engaged. Maybe she needs to talk to her doctor. Do you go to doctor visits with her? Personality changes should be mentioned. My mom sometimes doesn't bring stuff like that up.

Wish you and your mom the best - good luck and keep us posted :)

I can't imagine how she's feeling about this diagnosis. She's probably worried about her future and how much time she may have left with her family,

I know when I am in pain I'm a lot more bitchy and short with people. I've really had to watch myself lately because since my husband died suddenly 6 months ago I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I've been known to lash out at people around me ( not my daughter) but people who all of a sudden irritate me.

Example... A lady with Food stamps was in front of me in the line. A product was not qualified for her to get. The cashier said..."it's ok run get the other brand". 5 minutes later she shows up with arms full of more stuff. People were angry in line. I blurted out " it's just all about you isn't it? You are in your own world which revolves around you"

The shock on her face was probably about like the shock on mine because I couldn't believe I did that. It's so unlike my personality.

So long story short, your mom has a lot on her mind right now. Cut her some slack and don't feel like you have to tell her everything you do. Also... Only you control if you feel guilty. You should not feel guilty and she shouldn't be putting you on a guilt trip.

You are too tied to your mom's apron strings. And she is taking full advantage of that.

Stop telling your mother everything. What you do isn't her business. And stop trying to explain why you deserve to have some private time with your son. It's not something you have to do!

I don't know what the deal with your dad and sibs is, brushing off her behavior, but they obviously don't care how she makes you feel. Stop talking to them about it.

You need to stop crying about "losing your mom" and get a bit of a hard heart over this. You get to decide how much time to spend with her, and how much time you need with your son ALONE. And don't apologize for it. When she fusses, tell her "Mom, I really don't want to hear all this. When you're in a better mood, you can call me." And leave.

That's the only way you're going to teach her that she doesn't get to treat you like dirt. You don't have to fight with her, K.. You just tell her that she can call when she's in a better mood. Don't say any more than that. The more you try to make her understand, the more she will just walk all over you. DON'T.

Just because she has MS doesn't mean that she can treat people badly. You can love her and be sorry about her medical condition, but you shouldn't feel guilty.

Tara, thank you for a very enlightening response.

K., I can't answer to your mom's behavior, but I want to suggest a good book I found helpful "Ambiguous Loss" by Pauline Boss. It addresses exactly what you are talking about: profound personality changes in our parents and others.

I can also tell you that I've been dealing with a very high level of pain over the past week; even with pain relief medication, I'm rather short with people sometimes,esp when the medication hasn't started working yet. I could see that if this was a chronic pain situation I'd have to live with forever, I'd probably get a bit bitter. I don't know. All that to say, this is a sort of loss for you, and it's okay to admit that and try to feel better about it.

She's dealing with a lot and a major health change can be depressing.
For her, she's thinking about everything in how it relates to her, how she is changing, how everyone behaves around her - and she's probably a little self centered right now - she isn't able to think outside of her box or imagine herself in anybody else s position.
Still, she doesn't have to take it out on you and you're not in orbit around her - she's not the center of your universe.
You are raising your kids, in very active parent mode right now - and it's FINE to just do some things with your kids without inviting anybody else.
Don't let her guilt you over that.
Sometimes you have to say "Sorry Mom, I don't really know what you're going through right now, but what were you doing when I was 4 yrs old? Did Grandma throw a fit over everything you did with me?".
It's also possible that you can't reach a meeting of the minds right now, so it's ok to give yourself some space and visit with each other a little less often.

My mom's personality changed in her 50's as well, and she didn't have MS. 50's is a challenging decade.

The main thing I realized, too late to change my mother, is that I had to calmly and firmly set my boundaries. Trying to talk to her and make her see how she was hurting me and harming our relationship had zero effect. The only thing that did work was firmly setting boundaries; trying to convince her to understand and acknowledge my feelings was fruitless.

So when your mother is being hurtful to you on the phone or in person, say something like, "Mom, you are being really hurtful right now, and I'm sure you don't really mean it to sound that way but I am unwilling to listen to it. Why don't we talk tomorrow."

Your mother needs to find a way to express her feelings, (e.g. I'm hurt that you didn't include me), that doesn't include being verbally abusive to you. And you have a right to have a day alone with your son. You need to teach her calmly and firmly what you are, and are not, willing to accept.

I live with chronic depression and pain from degenerative bone disease, so I can relate. It sounds like you need to brush up on your communication skills. It's a two way street you know. You listen and then you respond. You have a chance to share that you wanted some alone time with your boy, period. You can not be responsible for how she feels about it. Try to let the tough stuff roll off your back, but don't loose your compassion either. Most important, don't forget to pray. God always has the perfect solutions. God luck love.

Tara wrote a beautiful response. Read it a few times.

Your mom is feeling her mortality - she fears that she's only going to get worse and that the day will come when she will miss out on things, maybe everything. Her body isn't hers. And you are feeling it too - you feel you are losing your mom.

And yes, brain changes are classic.

You can be frustrated by her, but you have to stop before you let her make you feel guilty. Guilt is actually self-inflicted - she can't do that to you without your participation. She can be annoying or frustrating, but the guilt is something you are actually allowing. Talking to her is pointless - she can't help herself to begin with, and then you are asking her compromised brain to make additional accommodations to consider your feelings.

Get into a support group - there are plenty for caregivers/family members. You might find an MS group, or you might join a generalized one that includes people with dementia/Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, ALS, and so on.

She is probably very afraid. Is she in a wheel chair? More than likely she is angry and lonely and feels misunderstood. We never know how a disease will change us or what to expect. She feels left out.

Does her medication affect her in this way? You could look into it or ask her doctor or the pharmacist.

You may have to try and get a sibling to help you to talk with her. Also, it could be what she's eating. Chemicals and coloring and other things can affect your moods.

Try to be patient with her and if you can't, stay away. Put yourself in her shoes.

My step-father has MS and it has been a challenging journey for him and for those of us who care for him. My brother and I have power of attorney for him and it has been incredibly difficult at times. He is now 68, but he was diagnosed at 50. Caring for our own children while caring for parents who need us leaves little time to care for ourselves. Please try to take time for yourself when you can. It's important.

As for your mom, MS can certainly cause the changes you've mentioned, but when you mentioned her age, I wondered if she may also be going through menopause? Hormonal changes in addition to trying to cope with MS would be a challenge. I know when my mom began to go through menopause we had a tough time communicating for awhile. I always seemed to say the wrong thing until she was able to work with her doctor to get some relief. Now I'm going through it, but I seem to be managing OK for now. I'm waiting for my family to tell me that I'm becoming unbearable. :)

I hope that you and your mom both find the support you need. MS can be such a challenging disease depending on the stage that the patient is in. Never be afraid to ask for help when you need it and don't feel guilty for taking time alone for you and your son. You both needed that time together.

Sending you a virtual hug. That must be so so hard. Let go of your guilt. Your mom is just not herself and you shouldn't take what she says to heart.

Go to a support group where you can share your feelings with others who have gone through it, and later, maybe, you can share your experiences with those who need your wisdom. It is hard to carry such a burden alone and the best place to find help is with others who have dealt with it themselves.