Moving the Family Parties to My House, Not My Moms

Go there for xmas eve. to open a couple of presents from her and tell her that you will be celebrating xmas at home, as well and she can come if she wants too or something simple. She just wants to continue tradition, but perhaps you can just take the kids over to say hi or eat dessert or something. Don't drag your presents over there. As for birthdays don't discuss it with her. Just send her an invitation for your child's birthday. If she comes she comes.

You need to tell her now...not wait until Christmas, which is already a sensitive time of year for many. She was upset and hurt because she assumed you would be joining her. I imagine she doesn't notice the smell or the mess, it is her home and she wanted to have family with her. You said you spent holidays with your grandparents, she is expecting the tradition to continue. So she was hurt and lashed out. There is absolutely no need to insult her or hurt her further by telling her that her home is dirty and over crowded.

We had to deal with this too, not because of an unsafe or crowded house, but it was just too much to drag our kids all over the neighborhood. My inlaws are wonderful and well meaning, but they also get their feelings hurt easily. We simply told them that we would be celebrating Christmas at our house. We invited them and let them know they were more than welcome to join us after our family time in the morning. We just explained that dragging Christmas gifts all over was becoming too much. And that it was time for our own traditions and that our children deserved to be in their own space on such a special day. I think feelings were initially hurt, but I am glad I mentioned it early...it gave them time to get used to the idea. Last year was a WONDERFUL Christmas celebration without the added stress of being neighborhood nomads.

I had the same problem, but with my in-laws. Their house smells & there is "stuff" everywhere (you seriously cannot sit down anywhere without having to move something out of the way). Last year it was between my SIL & myself on what we were going to do. Since her husband wouldn't ask his family to come out to their house, it was up to me. My MIL had just recently had knee surgery, so we had an excuse. We just explained to her that in her condition, she didn't need to be up on her feet all day cooking. Luckily they didn't put up a fight. Now that were coming up to Christmas again, my husbands sister is coming in from out of state, so we really want to have it at our house again. Hopefully we will be able to figure this out again.

It is a touchy subject, but good luck to you.

Before we had kids, we'd go to my mom's, my hubby's mom's and my hubby's dad's for Christmas. After kids, we couldn't do that anymore. We do Christmas at his mom's, Christmas Eve with his dad and we do my family the weekend before Christmas. I'd just try to plan it a different way with your mom's help etc. If she throws a fit and expect it her way only, then make your own plans and invite her. She can take it or leave it. That's what we did...LOL it's all you can do. You can't drag your family around with all the gifts etc. It's too much and takes all the fun out of the holidays.

Lot's of great ideas here. Besides the logistics of dragging everything there and back again, you might want to point out to your Mom that the cats don't enjoy all the company (I never met cats who ever enjoyed a house full of visitors - they hide every time).

When I was raising the sensational 6 we changed the Holiday festivities from my aunt's house to our house. It was easier not to have to move the kids since we had the most in our house. Even though the oldest of the sensational 6 is now 22, we now have events done at the church or still my house.

We do Thanksgiving at the church, everyone brings a meal, we feed the community and many of the singles without families come to this dinner. I love it because it eliminates the question of "where are we gonna eat" and "what game do we watch". Other Holiday dinners are held at my house. I have the biggest neatest home. Everyone brings a dish.

Momma may be disappointed and depressed but stick to your guns and she may come around. Just be especially loving, tender and kind as you stick to you guns on this. Tell her the kids really want her to come to your house. How can she deny the grandbabies?

If it were me and I do have alot of kids also....
I would tell your mother that it is harder for you to gather the kids and everything needed to go to her home.
So you would like to move future gatherings to your home.
I would still do things like her birthday at her home to make her more comfortable.
I know it is difficult as we have had to do the switching of locations also at one time.

Been there. We decided that we weren't going to make my son leave the house on Christmas, so we now have Christmas day at our house, and they are welcome to come. We always have opened our gifts to each other at our house, even when we exchanged at their house before the kids.

We do do Christmas Eve over there (but no present opening, we just take theirs with us). We don't have more room at our house, but it is baby proofed (at their house I have to follow my son around and tell him no constantly while everyone else visits), and the kids can nap as needed.

I like Christine's idea of inviting others. And if it is your child's birthday, invite some of his friends over. There is nothing wrong with him having his birthday at his own house.

My mom would love for us all to go to her house for all events. What I told her is that there is something special about being at home for holidays. I had great memories growing up and celebrating Christmas at home as a child and that I want the same for my children. I told her that I want her to be a part of all of it but that we would be celebrating at our house and she was always welcome to join us. Then it was up to her. She was upset at first but now I thnk she enjoys it much more.

First of all, I have definately been there! You started a bad tradition because it wasn't realistic to keep it going so you will have a tougher time breaking the cycle now. You can do it but you will need to state your intention (don't ask), create and display a united front, AND do not waiver....not for one second.

You stated your mom is your only relative, what about your husband's? Does that come into play at all?

For your son's and daughter's birthday...simply pass out invitations with the pertinent information (date, time, PLACE, etc.). If you don't do invitations, be sure to state this information clearly (do not leave anything to interpretation!).

For the holidays, simply tell you mom (and anyone else that it applies to) that this year you are starting your family's new tradition. We will celebrate the holidays at home. Could you go to you mom's before or after you have the celebration at your home or on Christmas Day? I understand that you open presents on Christmas Eve but what about Christmas Day? It is hard to give you a suggestion without knowing that so I will tell you what we do and you can apply it however you may need to. It is a bit long because I want to give you an idea of what we dealt with and how it has changed.

We open our presents on Christmas Day but growing up, we always opened presents on Christmas Eve (I lived with my aunt so this applied there and at my dad's. On Christam Day, I went to my mom's and opened presents there then. My husband's family always opened presents on Christmas Eve too but only those from extended family as they were all at the grandparents home. On Christmas morning, his family opened presents at home from Santa (grandparents from both sides came to watch) and then they went back to grandparents home for most of the day. The grandparents (the one's whose home they went to) were deceased when I ment him so the get together had moved to his mom's home which later moved to a different day. So my Christmas Eve as an adult had consisted of at visiting at least three different homes and trying to coordinate with the rest of the family's schedule...resulting in a lot of rushing and not much fun. His mom decided she still wanted everyone over on Christmas Eve, back on Christmas morning! My FIL's birthday is 12/26 so we were back again the next day too! I drew the line (as an adult I always tried to stay home at least until my son left with his dad). The first year my husband told his mom we wouldn't be over on Christmas Day she didn't seem to believe it. I said it in front of his siblings, they must not have paid attention. That morning, they kept calling asking when we were coming because MIL would not let them open the presents until we arrived. So everyone thought we had not told MIL and were mad at us for being sneaky about it.

Now we still travel to those three homes (unless we can arrange for them to come here which works for most except for my MIL) and exchange presents. On Christmas Day, anyone who wants to see us knows where we live. Otherwise, we coordinate a visit before or after the holiday. It isn't idea but we deserve to celebrate and enjoy our holidays too. My kids should be able to be home for Christmas...and it is my job to make that happen.

Perhaps a good tactic is saying it is easier for you and your kids to be at your home, especially if you have any really young kids. I would be as tactful as possible and ask her to bring some of the dishes she traditionally makes for the holidays. Perhaps she might even be willing to come before the holiday and cook with you and any of the kids that are interested. She needs to feel included in whatever new tradition you come up with. She may protest anyway and you need to just do what you need to do.

It is a tricky issue in our family too and it has evolved over the years as my grandmother, now 90, finally became willing to give up hosting the holidays in her house in her later 70's. My grandmother has the largest house and really the only one that fits an extended family of over 20 comfortably. For several years she did everything at her house then slowly her daughters convinced her to use paper plates so she was not spending her time in the kitchen washing the good china. After that another of her children took over most of the cooking for a while. Finally when grandma hit 80 her only son married a very organized woman who took on hosting most of the family gatherings. She is an excellent cook and this was the most workable option. For the most part everything works out. The transition still generated a bit of complaining and bickering at times (although in a large extended family that is just part of the package).

Moms feelings are important and this seems to be important to her. Rather than insult her home and her housekeeping skills (who knows which of us will turn into a cat lady one of these days) or arguing over logistics, just make it a gift to her. I would start the ball rolling by throwing her a party at your house. Make her the guest of honor. You could make it a surpise party if you want. She will see how lovely it is to be waited on and how good your home is for entertaining and how much less work and expense she has to go to. It's a win-win for her all the way around. Then when the holidays come, pitch it like it's your way of being a good daughter and honoring her. Tell her that it's her turn to be taken care of for a change and that you dont want her on her feet doing all that work anymore. Tell her it means a lot to you to be able to do that for her. Or that you've loved gathering at her home all these years and are excited to take your turn as the hostess, but you've learned all you know from her. She should take that much better than - eww your house is gross old lady!

It's obvious that you deeply care about your mother's feelings, and are trying to find some balance at the same time. If it were me, I'd do the birthdays at your house first, if possible. Get feedback from other family members who don't have a stake in it, if you can, and who won't go back to mom to tell all. Is it easier or more difficult to do it at your place? And I'd also check in with your mom, to find out how she would like to participate.

I have to wonder--just from my own experiences-- what it is about hosting in such a cramped space that your mom is so attached to. (Then again, so many of us don't *see* our 'stuff'!) Sometimes it's an anxiety/control issue--she might feel lost not being in charge b/c it's not in her home. If this is the case, what can she do to feel comfortable? Does she love to do all the cooking, and if that's the case, can she come early or even have a sleep-over with you the night before to help cook? (I'm thinking of things like overnight-soaking a Thanksgiving turkey in brine sort of stuff here.) Or is it deeper-- losing the opportunity to host because she's kind of aware that her clutter is a problem, but isn't ready to address it? --which is a much deeper issue. If it's a question of 'tradition', it might help to ask her which parts of this are most important, and you could go about crafting a new tradition together.

I suggest these because, apart from her being upset with the initial change, you didn't mention any other vindictiveness or unreasonableness on her part. She sounds like an older woman, living independently, comfortable being in her space and probably really comfortable in having her way about things. If you can have a gentle conversation and let her know that you aren't trying to take anything away from her, but to make it easier for *everyone*, it might go more smoothly. If she presses, perhaps it's time to mention some of those things you don't want to mention to her--just try to be as loving as possible and remember that if she wants help to improve those hindrances, you may want to be prepared to offer resources: Names of steam carpet cleaners; or agencies that work specifically in helping people who 'collect' to part with their possessions; etc. Perhaps a substitute tradition could help too--- would she be interested in hosting a yearly Spring Tea or other fun gathering? This is a tangible event she could work toward and plan, and suggests itself to a limited guest list (which may not have to be all family.).

I've given you a lot of suggestions and perhaps something will ring true for you. This is where I would start first, and I'm sure you'll get some other great advice from others. Best to you!

For the birthdays, that aren't hers, just tell her that the party is at your house. She either comes or she doesn't.

For Christmas, do the same thing. If she says that Christmas is at her house, and you don't want to fight about it, then just take your gifts for her over there. No need to take ALL of the gifts. She will be giving them a gift anyway, so why add to the car clutter?

Be polite and gracious..think about how your going to word it. You have to put your kids and husband first but alway include your mom. She has her own traditions that she is not willing to give up.
Maybe tell her its just more convenient since you have 3 kids to have the celebrations at your house. First I would invite some friends or relatives that dont normally join you. So when your mom makes a big fuss say..Well mom I also invited the Smiths and they have 2 kids. Good luck

Just invite her over, if she gets angry, tell her you don't like the cat pee smell...tell her it's really inconvenient for everyone to get over there with the bags of gifts and such. Maybe go over there and help he clean, is she getting older and having a hard time with it?

For holidays, have a Christmas Eve thing at her home, then have Christmas morning at yours. Just tell her up front that is how your family prefers these things since it is getting so big and hectic.

She may throw a fit, but just remain calm and tell her, "Mom, I love you, but we can't be around you when you throw fits like this. I hoped you would be understanding and happy to celebrate with us in our home, it saddens me that you do not feel like we can have a happy time here."

When we have Christmas at a grandparents house, we only bring the gifts to the grandparents, and leave the rest of our presents at home. The kids get their second set of gifts at grandma's.
It's interesting when we start to become the parent to our parents!