Moving Out- How to Tell Everyone

seems like you know what you want. and if there are problems and he sees none how could you work on them. because he feels their is nothing to work on. But why would you want to move in a rentel with him????? the purpose of a divorce and in moving on is to be away from each other and start over.this makes no sence to me. you are not gonna do that are you??? as long as you live with him he will not feel like you are seperated he will feel like this is all the same.you know what i mean?no good bye is good bye. if you have kids you have to stay in touch for them but you do not live together.
Good luck and tell the kids they already can tell something is in the mist.

I am confused. Are you ready to sign the lease tomorrow on a lease for just you, or for your whole family? Obviously, if the rental you found is intended for just you, then I would let your husband know (in private) ASAP. I would try to give him a cooling down period, so you can discuss details about it in a calm manner before approaching the children together with the plans.
You may find (might be snow falling in Florida tomorrow, too, but it is at least POSSIBLE) that when he sees that you are genuinely sincere about divorce, that he will wake up.
None of it will be easy, and I always am sad to see a divorce, particularly with children involved. As they are the ones who will forever have their lives changed and feelings of security called into question, through no action of their own. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but that is the reality. And it saddens me. I hope you find the rainbow.

A., honestly I would urge you to think about this. If your husband is abusive that is one thing....but in all other cases it is better for the kids if you can work it out. Try another therapist....or read Dr. Laura Schlesinger's book on marriage "The proper care and feeding of marriage" (or husbands....that was a good one too)They have these books on cd for you to listen in the car if you don't have time to read. If you take it seriously, it will change your life!

Study after study has shown that kids need a mom and a dad, not to be shuttled back and forth between them. Ask any child of divorce and they will tell you their childhood ENDED when their parents split up. As long as your husband is willing to work on it in any way, there is still a glimmer of hope! In fact, even when one partner is not willing to work, the other can still do a lot by simply changing her own behavior toward him. My husband did not want to go for counseling, but i did, and i learned to make it a priority to love him well. As a result our marriage stayed together for 18 years and was ended by his death in October. Being a single mom is not as wonderful as the TV makes it out to be! Even as teenagers, my kids are really hurting without their dad. My son is 14....yours is 13....think about how a teenage boy needs a strong male presence in the home to guide him thru these difficult years. I could go on and on but you get the picture.....please think about this a little bit more!!

A.-First, I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a plan. That's the first step. I cannot imagine having 4 children and myself to take care of. I had to comment because Karen stated that you "could ask any child from a divorced family and they would tell you their life ended when their parents got divorced". That's not true, my parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. Yes, that is not at ALL what I wanted for my child, but YOU have to realize that YOU have one life to live. All I can hope & pray for is that my child will have 2 loving parents to guide her, which she does. Had WE stayed together, she might not have seen that a relationship should be loving and kind. We had a 14yr relationship and have a 7yr old daughter. Everyone's story is different, I know in my heart I gave 150% to make it work, over and over. I do not believe "even when 1 partner is not willing to work that the other can still do alot by simply changing HER own behavior". What? Is this the stone age? Karen said she actually made it a a priorty to love him well. What did she get in return? IF 2 people work at it, it CAN work. If 1 is working, something is wrong. Do what's best for you and your family. God Bless.

I would tell the kids as soon as possible. Sounds like you've already told your husband, right?
I would like to say that I am not pro-divorce by any means, but I also don't believe in staying in a marriage and doing all the work while your spouse puts in zero effort. Being a single mother is not easy, but it is sometimes better than the alternative. My mother divorced my father when my sisters and I were very young, and it did not ruin our lives. I ended up meeting my father when I was 18, and after seeing the kind of person he is, I'm grateful to my mother for not allowing him to help raise us. I also am divorced from my children's father, because he has made it clear over and over again that my kids and I will NEVER be a priority in his life. Anyways, I know that wasnt an answer to the question you asked, but don't let other people make you feel bad for doing something that you feel is right.

This is never an easy job when a family splits to tell everyone. Maybe if you sat the children down togather and told them once you have talked to your husband again.
Now is the time to once more say to him 'the time has come for me and the children to move on i have my place and everything is set. I wish you the best in life but as you can see we are makeing no headway in our marriage so less do it now while we both are young enoughj to have a life left.''i am sure the children have seen things the older ones anyway to understand why you are doing this. Good luck to you dear, if there is no hope do it now don't wait untill you are to old then you are stuck.i know. Your friend B.

I think you should tell your children ASAP!!!!!!!! they probably know more than you think already, especially the 13 year old. give them the respect they deserve by allowing them to absorb the idea and talk about it with you and their father. The move will be hard but IMO the shock of it will be lessened by time. "your dad and I are getting a divorce, and by the way we're moving tomorrow without him" is not going to be well recieved. Do yourself and your kids a favor by being up front and honest.

A.,

This probable isn't what you want to hear, but I agree with Karen. Please reread her response. I came from a divorced home and have worked with children of divorced homes and it is never easy. Actually, believe it or not, it is actually harder on children the older they are. I was very young when my parents divorced and I grew up only knowing two different families, but your children are older and it is going to emotionally effect them much more. Please rethink your decision and if your husband is really willing to work on it, let him know how you still feel and then focus on the changes you might need to make and I believe if he sees you making changes, eventually he will want to make changes too.

All the best to you!
T.

Hi,

It's good that you're concerned about the kids and want to communicate with them. It's excellent that they won't have to change schools or other stresses. I wouldn't presume to tell you when or how to talk to your future ex, only to say that this is a decision (as you well know) so huge you're going to want to encourage as much support as possible from ALL sources, including your kids and future ex. With that in mind, be patient and best wishes to you and yours,

L. D., SAH mom of three

Don't tell them too soon.Maybe a day or two before. Have all your utilities on and either move when he is not home or under police escort or with help from several big men. For everyone's safety.Personally I'd let the kids stay with him and vist on week ends.That will drop alot of problems on him but you get to be the nice mommy

A. first of all Im so sorry that you are going through this but you seem to know what you are doing and thats great. I think that if your marriage has no hope you should get out. I think that you are useing your best judgement and you are thinking about the kids so you are doing all the right things. They are not going to like it at first but if you say positive and contiune to help the kids you should all be fine. I hope that it all works out for you. God Bless you and your family.

it took me 10 years to file for a divorce. However, I was married to a chronic repetitive cheater. He didn't offer to "make things work". So, even though your circumstances are different, if your husband "will do anything to make it work", then give you and your kids the chance to be a family. Your stress level must be off the charts, taking care of 4 children and working 45 hours/week...You need a break, dear. Can your family come over for the weekend so you and your husband, or just you, go someplace for a breather?
Blessings

I agree with the other mom who said kids already know what's going on to some degree. I think you should be honest with them as soon as possible. Don't go into gory details or put them in the middle. But let them know what's about to happen and that it isn't their fault.
You also need to tell your husband asap. You both need to discuss the financial aspect of your leaving. Child custody, etc. What all you'll be taking with you and that sort of thing. Do it with a cool head and be very honest about your reasoning. If he starts getting combative, don't hesitate to get a police escort when you're gathering your and your children's things to move. You may have to file an emergency injunction with the court to decide temporary custody until a real hearing if he wants to fight about it. Just don't try to snatch the kids away without him having parental rights. That does no one any good.
If you can continue some form of counseling, that will help you to keep a calm demeanor throughout and make the change slightly less traumatic for the children.