Moving On...

Updated on February 21, 2008
D.T. asks from Brandywine, MD
4 answers

Hello ladies! I need some advice. My baby's father and I have been apart for over a year. I didn't find out I was pregnant until after he left and didn't tell him right away because I didn't want him to think I was trying to get him back. In the meantime, he has supposedly "moved on." I asked him not to have this girl around my children until he and I had talked to the older two about us not getting back together, etc. Needless to say, he disregarded my request, and back in January had her at his apartment with my kids. I got very upset with him and ended up having a conversation with my oldest 2 about this girl anyway. They cried for about 10 minutes straight. It broke my heart. To my knowledge, he has not had her around them again because the doors to the "great beyond" opened up for him after that incident and he experienced a side of me that I wouldn't wish on anyone...lol.

I have moved on as well, HOWEVER, my children have not seen me with anyone because I don't feel it's appropriate just in case it does not work out. Any individual I meet, is clear that I am a "package deal." I don't want to give them the impression that when they get older it's ok to just jump from relationship to relationship, etc. I have had 2 failed relationships (not marriages) that have lasted 4 to 4 1/2 years each. I have vowed that the next man my children see will be the man I'm married to.

My question is this: HOW do I get my point across to him? He has two older daughters that just reached teen/pre-teen status. They have seen him with a host of women and I don't want that image for my 3. I've run out of ideas on how to approach this! I don't want to keep them away from him, since he refers to my older ones as "his kids" and they refer to him as "dad." When I got upset he told me I was acting like a "typical ignorant black woman." I'm trying to keep it civil, but he's making it hard. I had a simple request and he didn't have enough respect to value it. In addition, I think he's trying to break up with this girl and "accidentally" (i don't think it was an accident) sent me a text meant for her saying we were getting back together, blah blah. I didn't appreciate that either because I felt he should "man up" and just say the truth, he doesn't want to be bothered, instead of placing that burden on my kids' shoulders.

I am SOO frustrated with him. I'm praying on this, but any comments from you ladies that have experienced or know people that have experienced similar idiotic behavior will be appreciated!

Sidenote: their biological father has been M-I-A by his choice for almost 6 years.

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So What Happened?

Thank you ladies for all your advice and support! I've gotten some AWESOME advice and information. Thanks again, you guys are a blessing!

More Answers

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A.B.

answers from Washington DC on

You wrote: How do I get my point across to him?

I have learned that the only person whose behavior you can control is your own. With others, you can teach them how to treat you and pray that they will have godly examples and mentors in their lives. And, with children, you can raise them by teaching them what is right and what is wrong and be that mentor and example to them. You can teach them about choices and how those choices have longlasting effects. They cannot choose the consequence, but they can choose the action. Nothing more.

You wrote that to your knowledge, "he has not had [the girlfriend] around [your kids] again because the doors to the 'great beyond' opened up for him after that incident." So, is this still a problem? Maybe it is, maybe not.

This is what I would do. I'd call to ask when he'd like to see them. Then, I'd ask if he had a minute to go over how we're going to handle raising them apart. If you want him to continue his father role to your children, what are the rules? For both of you? If he thinks it's ok to bring other women around them, ask him why? Listen to his answer. (Even if it sounds stupid to you, don't judge it.) Then, I'd ask if he thought it was cool for me to bring other men around them. I'd do that just because it would teach me how he thinks about raising children. Not because that's my intent. Listen. (Even if it sounds stupid to you, don't judge it.) Then, I'd ask him, calmly, "What do you think our children will think when they see different people in either of our lives? Is this the kind of relationship either of us should model for our children? Do you think our children should accept that as the standard for their relationships? And, if they get attached to a future 'friend' and it ends, how do you think the children will feel?" Do not yell at him or curse him out. That's for your benefit. Thank him for his honesty and ask him some other things, like what about parties around the kids? What movies? Music? Discipline? Religion? Extended family members? If you two do not agree on any of these subjects, then you have some thinking to do about how much time you want your children to spend with him. His answers will teach you more about who he is, how he thinks as a man, how he thinks as a father.

Then, I'd spend some time teaching my children what is right and what is wrong. They are so young, but they can understand something as simple as "You know that Mommy and Daddy are not together anymore but we both love you. People make mistakes in life, but we can forgive each other and keep living. We get hurt when people do things without thinking about how it makes us feel. As human beings, we should do our best to choose right over wrong. I am sad, too, but I do not hate Daddy. I don't want you to hate him either. He still might do things that are not right. But, we can forgive him and pray that he learns how to make good choices." Then, teach them that Daddy will have to want to change, but if he doesn't we can still love him. We do not have to do what he does and maybe one day he'll make better choices. Do not to hate him, judge him or make him feel bad." I'd teach them about the reality of life, that people make choices for selfish reasons or because they have not been taught or had an example of what to do, and sometimes they do not stop to think about how other people will feel. Our goal as human beings should be to try to live above our selfish wants and do our best. Yes, we make mistakes because we're not perfect. But, we should try our best to overcome those things and have peace in our hearts and minds.

You have a good attitude about your own dating habits. If they see Dad making mistakes but Mom's conducting herself in a way that doesn't bring more drama, they might make the choices that will bring peace as adults for themselves. Whatever you want for your children, you have to model it first so that they know it's even possible to achieve. Do not judge how Dad handles his other children. He has to deal with that.

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K.C.

answers from Washington DC on

If you two are cool, allow him to come to your home to visit the children. This way, you'll know no one else is around and he can have this special time ALONE with the children. You could even leave and do errands or go on a date with your new friend during his visitation. It's already hard on the children that their dad has left the home, so I hope you two can work out an arrangement soon.

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K.T.

answers from Washington DC on

I must say first kudos to you for sticking to your guns regarding not having alot of people you date around your children. I feel the exact same way and it is a comfort to finally see someone else who feels the same way!!!

Alright to address the issue, I have had them same problem with my daughters father. We are not together and he does not feel the same way i do regarding the dating issue. He feels that a part of getting to know a female who he is interested in means seeing how they interact with her. After having multiple "discussions" with him over the past nine years, I have let it go. I sat him down one day and once again talked to him explaining my side of the issue (which is simular to yours). I had to begin to trust that he would not have my daughter around anyone who could intentionally cause her some kind of harm. My daughter and I have good communication and she tells me about her weekends with her father when she comes home. I have not run into any issues as of yet with regards to the other women disrespecting or harming my daughter (This has been going on for about 4-5 years now). I have also asked him to at least be respectful to me and allow me to meet the woman if things become serious (which it never has...lol). My daughter has even asked me about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing (why she meets Daddy's girlfriends but she never meets the people I am dating. I just explained to her that I am careful about who I have come around her because I love her and I don't want anyone to hurt her emotionally or physically. We talked for a bit about it and she understood. I know that letting it go may be difficult (trust me) but it really made things easier once I did. Banning him from being around the kids is a bad way to go especially if he is willing to spend time with them which is a rareity this day and age. Good luck with dealing with this!!!

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

Dear D.,
sadly, an all too familiar story. One thing I have learned after 28 years of advising women is that you cannot control anybody but yourself! As the mother and primary care giver you have every right to set reasonable boundaries as far as when and where he is allowed to see your children. If he refuses to stay within those boundaries then restrict them more. You may have to flex some on the other woman coming along to some events with him, but you certainly do not have to let him have the kids overnight (for example)if you are uncomfortable. Emphasize that you want his time with the kids to be about the kids, not about his latest flame.

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